Small Simple Words

By Faces-in-the-Hall

AN: I just got two great suggestions in the first few hours of writing the first chapter! The suggestions were because from lovefan81 and The Birds and the Bees from Velloute. I couldn't resist! This is going to be HILARIOUS! Suggestions for the letter C!

Chapter One: Because of the Birds and the Bees

Harry, Remus, and Sirius were sitting on a couch in The Most Noble and Ancient House of Black one bright afternoon in the middle of August. Sirius and Remus had rehearsed a speech about girls, intercourse, and the debauchery that tempts with teenagers minds. While it may have sounded like a load of hypocrisy coming from two of Hogwarts biggest flirts, the two felt it was important for them to educate Harry of "The Birds and the Bees".

"What's this all about? I was going to go outside…" Harry said as his godfather and former professor.

"We would just like to have a quick-."

"It won't exactly be "quick" Remus…" Sirius interrupted.

"But we thought that we should give you "the talk" while you're here…" Remus said.

"Oh. No." Harry replied.

"And why not?" Sirius asked.

"Because it will be awkward! That's why!" Harry replied.

"But we can help you out with things like girls… and stuff," Sirius said lamely.

"I think I'm all set on that "stuff" thanks," Harry said, starting to get up from the couch, but Sirius gently pushed him back down.

"Now Harry, Remus and I went through great lengths to memorize this little spiel, so just do us a favor and listen please," Sirius said. Harry sat back down with a faint grumble. "Now Harry, girls may seem "funny" or "incomprehensible" now, but trust me, they will never change. So don't bother trying. I can't tell you how many times I just asked that girls would just become easier to deal with, but all I got was a foot in my face!"

"Okay. Girls are stubborn, got it," Harry said quickly.

"But trust me Harry, you will one day find the girl for you! Hopefully when some of the dreaded hormones pass…" Remus said.

"Sure," replied Harry. "Can I go outside now?"

"Hold on, Harry, there are uh a few more things we need to discuss… namely… what happens when you… get..." Sirius began.

"When you get excited down there," Remus said quickly, earning himself a glare from Sirius.

"Didn't we agree to NOT say that one. It sounds like Harry is five!" Sirius argued. Remus gave him the 'let-it-go-Sirius' face. "Whatever, moving right along… we know the sex ed class at Hogwarts might say that sex is one hundred percent not allowed and that you will get pregnant…"

"Well, not you specifically, but your little girlfriend…" Remus interjected.

"Or your shagmate" said Sirius.

"Look Harry, there's a special thing that you have to wear…" Remus explained, reaching into his leather bag and pulling out a small wrapper with a bright red latex circle in the middle. Remus opened it up to show Harry.

"It looks like a balloon… how is that going to fi-," Harry began.

"It will, trust me," Sirius said plainly, with the faintest smirk on his lips. With that, Remus pulled a banana out of his bag and pulled the condom over the banana.

"Ewww! Remus, that is disgusting! Can we change the subject please!" Harry said quickly.

"Okay, how about to AIDS, the pill, or my personal favorite; sex, the "movies", and you!" Sirius said, nearly bursting out laughing.

"Sirius…" Remus warned. "Let's not overwhelm the poor boy now…"

"I've got a question… if you two were so popular when you were my age and could get any girl you wanted, why did you decide to… go with each other?" Harry asked, in the utmost seriousness.

"Because," the two men replied.

"Because why?" Harry asked.

"Well, Harry, now that I'm older and a significant amount grayer, girls don't find me attractive…" Remus said, quite embarrassed.

"And I probably would be able to get laid if I wasn't covered in Azakaban tattoos and because of my new, slender physique…" Sirius began. He paused when he got a stare from Remus. "And because I'm old…"

"You're not THAT old," Harry said to their defense.

"Thank you Harry, but we really are getting on in years…" Remus began.

"Okay, so are we done now?" Harry asked as he stood up from the sofa and headed toward the door.

"Uhhh…" Remus replied, looking towards Sirius.

"Yeah… go do whatever…" Sirius resigned. Harry cheered and ran out of the sitting room. He turned back and muffled a quick "Thanks."

"Well… that was interesting…" Remus said, rising from the couch.

"Yeah… I'm not really too worried, he knows what he's doing… I think" Sirius said, smirking in spite of himself.

"He'll be fine." Remus put a hand on Sirius's shoulder.

"Hey Remus, do you remember getting the talk from your Dad?" Sirius asked.

"Yes. I do."

"What do you think your Dad would say about us being together?" Sirius looked into Remus's eyes.

"I don't know. He probably would not agree with my lifestyle. But he was not as bad as your Dad was Sirius." Remus replied.

"Yeah, Dad's probably rolling over in his grave now…"

"Sirius don't say stuff like that!"

Yeah, so that's chapter 2. I don't think it's the best writing I've ever done, and its really short… but I figured it was long enough… I think I made Harry a little too defiant, but I think that Sirius and Remus would become father figures to Harry so… I dunno… I'm a little too tired to be writing… If someone would be willing to beta for me… I'd appreciate it, but I'm not desperate… I just think my writing has not been as good as it could be…