A/N - Ok, my writers block is slowly shifting. Im not entirely happy with this chapter, but it moves the story along and I think I can get some good angsty stuff out in the next few chapters now. Plus, Ive made you all wait forever for this chapter...Im sorry if it sucks.
Review and let me know what you think. Love y'uns!
Pam stared at herself in the vanity mirror and took a deep breath in, exhaling slowly before leaving the bedroom and heading down the stairs.
Jim sat on the couch, waiting for her in his suit. She smiled softly as she grabbed her purse and headed out the door.
She got in the car and Jim backed out of the driveway, not saying a word.
She watched the world go by out the window, certain images bringing back memories of her mother.
The grocery store they'd shopped at when she was little. Her mother always allowed her and her sister to eat a cookie on the ride home. It was the only day of the week they were allowed to spoil their supper.
The elementary school where her mother would 'ooh' and 'aww' over her art work every semester before student teacher conferences.
The park where her mother proudly held the video camera as Robert let go of her 'big girl' bike for the first time.
They pulled into the parking lot at the funeral home and Pam's hands began to shake.
Jim quickly parked the car and laid his hands on hers. "Are you ok?" He asked softly.
"No, I'm not ok!" She yelled, startling him. "My mother is dead and I have to stand here for four hours and listen to everyone tell me how sorry they are for my loss! I am not ok." Pam grit her teeth as she spoke.
Jim was quiet. Of course she wasn't ok. How could he ask her if she was ok?
"Let's just get this over with." Pam pushed his hand away and got out of the car, slamming the door behind her.
Jim took a deep breath before following her into the building.
Jim waited with Robert and Jen as Pam was allowed to have her time alone with her mother in the sanctuary. He raised his head when she came out, her eyes red and puffy. He stood to greet her, but she waved him off.
"I need to fix my face." She told him as she headed for the ladies room, Jen on her heels.
"Pam has never been good with death." Robert shook his head. "Not that anyone is good with it, but she always takes it so hard."
"I don't know what I can say to her." Jim fixed his tie as he sat back down.
"Trust me son, there is nothing you can say to her. Have you noticed I haven't spoken to her much in the past few days?"
"Yeah, I guess I have..." Jim nodded.
"Pam takes it hard, but she bottles everything up. She becomes this ticking time bomb. It's been that way since she was three years old." Robert sighed. "Her hamster, Bo-Bo died, as hamsters tend to do, and Beverly decided we should have a funeral for him, because Pam was so upset." Robert shook his head. "I dug a hole in the backyard, Beverly made a little coffin out of a shoe box, and Jen and Pam painted a rock as a headstone. It all went well at first, we each said a little word about Bo-Bo, but as soon as I put that box in the hole, Pam freaked out."
Jim sat forward, watching in case Pam came out as Robert told the story.
"She wouldn't eat, wouldn't play with her sister, wouldn't even come down to have ice cream and watch a movie. She stayed up in her room and cried and cried... any time one of us went up there, she would just scream and scream at us. It made me sad to see such a little girl so angry... Ever since, every time someone passes away, we just take a step back, and let her work it out for herself, there isn't anything you can say to that girl to make her feel any better."
"I've been trying to give her space, I can't imagine what she's going through... but she yelled at me when we pulled into the parking lot. I've never seen her yell like that before."
"It'll get better as the time passes, give her some time some, she'll work it all out in her head."
Jim sat up straight as Jen and Pam made their way to the sitting room.
"Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha just pulled in, we better move into the sanctuary to start greeting people." Jen said softly.
Pam simply crossed her arms in front of her and rolled her eyes.
Jim sighed as he stood, almost afraid to be in close proximity to her, especially with all the new information he'd received from her father.
Pam marched ahead of him as they walked in the sanctuary.
They greeted her aunt and uncle, and soon the room was filling with people coming to pay their last respects.
After an hour, Jim was unable to spot Pam in the crowded room. He decided to get some air, and he loosened his tie as he walked outside.
He walked to the side of the funeral home, trying to escape the crowd of people standing outside.
He saw a small puff of smoke around the corner, and was shocked to see Pam sitting against the building, smoking a cigarette.
"I didn't know you smoked." Jim cocked his head to the side, a bit upset.
"I don't." She muttered, staring straight ahead.
"Ok, so what are you doing then, holding it for a friend?" He asked as he sat in the grass a few feet away.
"Ha. Ha." Pam muttered sarcastically.
Jim watched as she took a few puffs off the cigarette.
"I bummed one off my cousin; I needed something to take the edge off." She sighed as she put the cigarette out.
"I just didn't know you smoked, that's all." Jim said quietly.
"I told you, I don't smoke." She shook her head. "I mean I did for a few months in high school to impress the cool girls, but that's it. Every once in a while, I just get so stressed, and I know that this helps."
Jim decided not to push the issue. He knew she probably wouldn't be kissing him any time in the near future, so it didn't matter if she tasted like an ashtray or not.
"I need to head back in." She said brushing the grass off her dress as she stood. "Fix that tie before you come back in, this is a wake, not the break room." She muttered as she rounded the corner.
"Oh my God, what is her deal?" Jim whispered out loud, running his hands through his hair.
He felt like he was in the twilight zone. His sweet, loving wife had taken to sitting outside a funeral home, smoking a cigarette and cussing at him.
He let himself cool down for a few moments before heading back inside.
He stopped in his tracks as he spotted a familiar PT cruiser pulling to the lot, followed closely by a Vance refrigeration van, and a beige car with a 'Jesus Saves' sticker on the back.
"Oh no." He rubbed his temples gently. "No, no, no..." He sighed as he watched his co-workers pile out of their cars.
"Jimbo!" Michael called out as he walked up.
"Uh, hey Michael." Jim politely shook his hand. "Why are you guys here?"
"Well that's a fine how-do-ya-do!" Michael grinned.
"I mean, you all didn't have to drive two hours just to come to the wake..."
"Well, it's just me, Phyl and Bob-a-rino, and Andy and Angela."
"You really didn't have to drive all the way up here..."
"Don't be silly Jim!" Michael slapped his back. "When a member of the Dunder Mifflin family is hurt, we all hurt." He turned to the small group behind him. "Well, some of us hurt more than others."
"We're so sorry for your loss." Phyllis stepped in and gave Jim a gentle hug.
"Thanks." He grimaced, hoping she wouldn't say the same to Pam.
"How is Pam doing?" Angela asked softly, but stoically.
"Not well, actually." Jim decided to be honest. "She's having a hard time as you can imagine, so please be gentle." He said, looking directly at Michael.
"Why do you look at me when you say that?" Michael asked quietly.
"Ummm, Pam and her family are inside, you guys are of course welcome to join us for food and drinks afterwards, there is a small tavern down the road." Jim told them.
"C'mon Bobby." Phyllis grabbed her husbands hand and led him inside.
Jim sheepishly followed the group in, silently praying they wouldn't upset Pam.
Jim sat quietly in an over stuffed armchair, politely listening to an obviously senile Uncle Joe tell him how President Roosevelt was doing a tremendous job during the war.
"Ya know, it's hard to be commander and chief during war times, but old Frankie is holding this country up, don't ya think son?"
"Uhh, yeah, and Eleanor is quite a dame isn't she?" Jim nodded.
"She's a handsome woman." Uncle Joe agreed.
"I'll be right back..." Jim quickly escaped and found his way to Phyllis and Bob.
"Such a lovely town." Phyllis smiled. "I just love small towns, don't you Bobby?"
"Yes I do." He smiled.
'We live in a small town.' Jim sighed to himself. "Uh, hey guys. Thanks again for coming, you really didn't have to."
"I know." Phyllis smiled. "But I know how hard it is to lose someone; we had to come pay our respects."
"Thanks." Jim smiled, watching as Bob reluctantly turned to talk to Michael.
"So, Pam..." Phyllis started, not knowing what to say.
"Pam is having a really hard time with this, she isn't herself." Jim shook his head. "She's like this bizarro world version of Pam."
"I noticed." Phyllis nodded.
"I know she needs to work through this in her own way, at her own pace, but it's hard."
"She'll get through it." Phyllis assured him softly.
"I know." Jim whispered, catching Pam's eye from across the room. She gave a smile small and turned back to her conversation.
"Well, should you need someone to talk to; you know I'll be here." Phyllis smiled and lingered for a moment, Jim gave her a soft smile before she slid away to rescue Bob from Michael.
The last of the family was making their way to their cars, ready to make their way to the tavern down the street. Pam lingered behind; staring at the photo perched on top of her mother's casket. She reached out to touch it, and it fell over. She gasped and took a step back, bumping right into Jim's chest. Jim pulled her into his chest and hugged her tightly.
"My mom...My mom..." Pam sobbed as she gripped his tie, spilling her tears onto his suit coat.
"Shhhhh, honey...shhhhhh..." Jim tried to soothe her.
Pam took a step back and wiped her face. "I'm gonna ride with Jen, I'll meet you there." She said quickly and ran from the sanctuary.
Jim pulled at his hair and plotted into an armchair, his head in his hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he was surprised to look up and see Michael's face.
"You alright buddy?" Michael asked softly.
"I don't know what to do about Pam." Jim admitted.
"Seems to me, she just needs time." Michael nodded. "I can talk to Holly about giving you guys another week off."
Jim looked up; it still surprised him when he had these moments with Michael. The moments where Michael seemed like a rational person. "You don't have to do that Michael."
"I think Pam will need another week, even if you want to come back."
"Yeah, maybe." Jim nodded. "She won't let me comfort her. I want to help her, but I don't know how."
"She just lost one of the most important people in her life." Michael shrugged. "Maybe being around her other loved ones is scaring her... maybe she's scared to let you care for her, afraid that someday she will lose you too."
Jim stared at Michael. "Did you talk to her?"
"No." Michael rocked back on his heels. "But I felt that way when I lost my Nana... I lashed out. Mom even made me see a psychiatrist." He paused. "He was a quack."
Jim was trying to process everything Michael had just said. He stood and shook his head and extended his hand. "Thank you Michael."
"Your welcome." Michael shook his hand and led him out of the sanctuary.