Chapter One of a Novel-Length Fanfic. My take on the overdone cliche, a challenge from Iris. Hopefully it's different. Please REVIEW!

I knew. I always, always knew I wasn't good enough. Why was I surprised it had come to this?

He'd never loved me. Or maybe he had. Really, it was more like… a fascination. That was it, a sick obsession. His life must be so much healthier since I've been removed from it. I have a brief mental picture of his brilliant glory standing up at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. "Hi, my name is Edward. I've been off Bella for two months."

Two months. God, two months. Two months of waiting for them to come for me. But I can't wait. I stink at waiting, always have.

I have to go and find them. And though the thought terrifies me, it is a relief. I cannot bear waiting for nothing.

Right now, nothing is what I am and what I have.

And there will never be anything more…

"I love you," I whispered. He did not respond. I knew then.

"Isabella, I need to ask you something," he began.

I would not allow him to be hurt. All his pain would become mine. That was how I loved him. I could not let him feel guilty, no matter the agony that would destroy me when he disappeared. "You don't have to. I see it in your face."

"You know?"

"Yes. And you don't have to say it."

"Thank you."

"Anything. I lov-"

But I didn't finish. That would hurt him. I could not allow him to be hurt.

"The others are in Italy already. They think you're coming too, that we're going to get married there. I'm sorry to deceive them, but I'm doing the right thing for myself, for once."

"That's all I want. You aren't happy with me?"

"No."

He was telling the truth. I was absolutely sure. It was not like last time. His eyes were their usual liquid light, but distant. There was no devotion in them.

"Then go. I forbid you to stay here where you're miserable. Go away, far away. Don't come back unless… don't come back." I couldn't leave him a way back in, to get himself stuck with useless me.

"Isabella, thank you."

He moved to go. "Wait," I whispered. "I won't keep you long. Just take this, please. I can't stand to keep it… but leave the pictures." I slipped off my- his mother's- ring. He nodded and took it. He did not protest. And then I was sure.

Any hope was crushed. I had to keep the realization hidden, though. He could not ever know how much I was hurt. That would hurt him.

He smiled my favorite smile. The beauty of it stabbed deep. "I have loved you more than I thought possible. I shall grieve for what could have been- but know that I do only what I must. There are others for me, I think, better ones. Not that you aren't a dear, lovely person- I just am different. I don't mean to sound vain, but it never should have been."

True, maybe. I nodded because he needed my assent and I couldn't bring myself to verbalize agreement.

"Good-bye, Isabella."

"Will you do me a favor? Say my name one more time."

"Bella. Good-bye."

Those syllables, entirely without affection, were the last.

He disappeared, ridiculously perfect. I knew I would never see him again. "Good-bye, Edward," I whispered. It was the last time I would ever speak his name.

The pain overcame, but I forestalled it with a thought. I knew what I needed.

"Jacob."

I'd been waiting for months. And they hadn't come. They weren't coming for me. So I would go to them. I was sick and tired of waiting.

I couldn't wait to die. What was life, anyway? Pain. I had suffered so, so much… and now there was nothing left that could hurt me… yes, I would go to them, and they would kill me, and I would go somewhere else. It couldn't possibly have as much pain. I believed in God, in a general way. Maybe in heaven, I would be enough for him.

That was all I really wanted.

"Billy? Where's Jacob?"

His great wise eyes were full of pity. Billy Black understands suffering- the suffering of his people, of his broken body, of his heart which weeps for his dead wife. "He's gone. He phased when he got the wedding invitation."

"He wasn't supposed to get one! I didn't want to hurt him."

"Why have you come here? Aren't you one of them?"

"Billy, oh, Billy, he left again. He left me again."

He wheeled around, closer to me. "Bella, listen to me. Leeches do not have hearts. I know it will hurt at first, to think your love was a lie, but he is incapable of love."

Maybe it would have been a comfort, but I couldn't believe it. I who had seen Carlisle and Esme, Jasper and Alice, Emmett and Rosalie? I who'd almost been the target of the vengeful rage, product of Victoria's love destroyed. I couldn't believe it. He was able to love. I just wasn't worth it.

"Jake's gone."

"Yes. He's out of range… the pack can call him back, but they won't. And he won't answer."

"Will he come back?"

"Eventually. Maybe."

No. No! NOOO!! I couldn't. Can't. I can't. I crumpled to the floor right there, clutching my sides with my hands, weeping, weeping. Billy looks on with sensitive and sorrowing eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I can't answer. Too much pain. Alone, alone, always alone. Jake won't return. Edward won't. I knew it would happen. Oh, God. The pain. Why, why, why me? Why must I suffer so!

Because I am worthless. Oh Oh Oh!

Ah!

I screamed within. Oh! Ooh!

I was falling, falling, like a house destroyed from within. This would kill me. I could not survive without one love or another. Jacob, I should have picked you. I should have gone with the one who wanted me, not fallen for a stupid fairytale.

I'm sorry, Jake.

Edward, Edward. If only I could have been enough. I'm sorry I can't be. I love you so much, and I'm sorry for that also. It can only hurt you as I die.

I wanted to die so much it hurt.

Surprising, that there was any more room in me for pain.

And somehow that thought sent another wave of agony through me.

I was too crippled to be embarrassed at my position, on my hands and knees, weeping on the floor in front of a man I really knew mostly through my father's stories. But Billy didn't speak, and the silence was comforting.

As much comfort as I could take.

Through the pain.

Yes, I would go. Charlie would understand. My disappearance would probably pain him less than my emptiness, anyway.

Maybe the Volturi would change me, and I would be strong and beautiful, and he would love me.

No, that was silly. He could never love me. Never, never.

Besides, I smell good. They'll just eat me, and then my suffering will at last be over. I hope they have Edwards in heaven. I was there when he loved me, I hope I will return when I die.

I was honestly stupid enough to expect him to wait for me. When I knew he was only second best…

But he'd said…

No, he'd never promised to wait. That had been… Edward.

AH!

Damnit. Couldn't even think the name. The pain lanced through me. I felt my stomach acids eating through my shoes, like my internal walls had been breached and all my organs were jumbled up like the handwriting of a dyslexic six year old.

And he couldn't wait, after all. Didn't want me even when I'd chosen him… not even a choice, really.

Jake, I need you. I love you. Not like I love him, but enough, it could have been enough, if you'd been there I'd have lived, Jake, now I'm dying, look what you've done.

And then after interminable months of my slow dying, Jacob opened the front door as I was making dinner.

"Hey? Bells?"

"Jake." I was delighted to see him, but I couldn't show emotion. Not wouldn't, couldn't.

"What's wrong?"
"Jake. Oh, god. Jake, he left me again! You were right, he never loved me, it was all a lie… I'm so sorry! I'm so glad you're here, he's gone…" and sorrow and fury and relief and love and pain warred in my gut.

Jake's brow twisted. "Bella, I am sorry. I guess you probably don't want to hear this… Bella, this is Aliene. Aliene, Bella."

She was slender, busty, and beautiful. I knew then that he was never mine, any more than the other him was.

"Oh. You imprinted."

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing you could have done."

I should have said something kind to Aliene, who looked frightened out of her wits, but I didn't have it in me. Jake looked kindly and regretfully on me for one more minute, and then he left.

I was grateful for that.

Now I could fall to pieces without the inconvenience of his stupid girlfriend's prying eyes, without his pity.

I couldn't stand pity. Couldn't take that pain compounding pains. I was in agony. It wasn't Jake's fault, of course. It was my own rejection that had led him to take flight and find her.

I had no one to blame but my own damn self.

Own fault, own fault, own fault.

Echoed like curses.

No one else to blame. No one else to hate. An endless cycle of agony.

Once my life had been love. Hadn't I suffered enough? What crime could be worth this?

Whatever fire and brimstone he believed in, this, this was true hell. He knew nothing of pain, nothing of torture. He had not felt this.

I whispered a word into the loneliness. "Please."

I didn't even know with whom I was pleading or what I supplicated for.

Yes, I was going. My mind is made up now. With the careful, cautious movements that are all my limbs will provide, I walk upstairs and knock on Charlie's door. It is the only preparation I can make.

"Dad?"

"Bella." It has been hell around here. He is so miserable. It isn't just me who's being killed by this.

"Dad, Jake… you know he's getting married? To Aliene?"

"Oh, Bells. I'm so sorry."

"I can't take it, Dad."

"No! Bella, there's always another answer…"

"I'm not going to kill myself." I'm going to ask someone else to do it for me. "There are some friends of the Cullens, who I met in L.A. I think I'm going to go talk to them, to see if they know where they are. I need to talk to them… to him."

"You aren't coming back."

"No. If I can't find them… I'll look harder. Or go to Renee. Or something… Dad, I love you."

"Good-bye, Bella. I love you."

"Thanks, Daddy. Thank you for everything. I'm so sorry."

"You're not the one who should be sorry. How could Jake, of all people…"

"It isn't his fault. When you find something like he has… I couldn't want him to be without it. He wouldn't be my Jacob."

"I'll miss you."

"You too."

I hug my father one last time. He smiles into my hair, and I leave, taking with me nothing but a change of clothes and Wuthering Heights.

I can't read it, of course, it is far too painful- even thinking about it sends agony spiraling into my soul- but I know having it will comfort me as I walk into that dark and forbidding chamber.

It is like a circle. Live, live, live. You must live. He wants you to live.

No he doesn't. I can't live. He doesn't want me to live or he'd be here, keeping me alive.

Die, die, die.

But I can't die. Charlie.

How much does Charlie matter in the face of this? I love my father. He is important, good, loving. But I can't. I can't do this.

I want to die.

Kill me!

Oh, God. Kill me.

Why do I have to live like this? Without him?

It's every bit as bad… no, it's worse. Last, time, it didn't hurt as much. Probably because then, then I had Jake, then I had his voice. Now it is just me and the pain that is bigger than me. I cannot carry this burden through life. I cannot go on pretending. I want to die.

I must die, because I am being killed.

I just want it to end…

How silly that sounds, but it is the simple truth. Sounds like a line from a romance novel. It has become my life.

I want the pain to end. Oh, I'd like him back- I'd like for him never to have left me. But that's absolutely ridiculous. While I'm at it, I'd like to grow a bra size and win the lottery!

Lottery… piano… Edward…

Ow.

God, this stinks.

My only realistic option to avoid this is death. And that is when a plan begins to form…

I am on my way. I wonder if Edward's plane ride was anything like this, back when he thought I was dead and knew he would die soon. Perhaps… it is the same, the excruciating pain, the prayer for relief from the same people.

But that is a dangerous train of thought. I spend a moment deliberating, then decide to risk the pain. I am only hours away from its end. I allow myself the most forbidden thing- sweet thoughts of him.

I think his name, then speak it, quietly so as to not annoy the lady beside me. "Edward…" I feel the pain lance through me like an actual wound. It is worth it, though, for the sweet memory of what it once was… mine.

I can see his face so perfectly. In fact, I can even look at the picture. I pick it out of my pocket and gaze at him. He is so perfect. His skin, pale as the border around the paper, doesn't shine, but I can imagine it is. All his features are perfect, especially his eyes, which glow. Even through the paper, they warm my empty soul.

Edward…

The woman smiles at me. "Is he your boyfriend?"

"He was my fiancée."

"What happened?" Her tone is concerned.

"I'm not sure. But it's over."

She sees the look in my face and sighs. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

Maybe it's natural human curiosity, but I couldn't help hating this woman slightly. It was my pain, not hers. She had no right…

"I know I'm probably hurting you bringing this up. And I'm a total stranger. But… I'm on my way to my daughter's house, for her funeral. She's about your age, just moved out for college… honey, your life is just starting. Love is beautiful, but it isn't everything."

"This was."

"Maybe."

I will never see this woman again in my life, and she didn't change anything, but it is good to know, in a sick sadistic way, that I'm not the only one ever to be hurt like this. My pain is the greatest, but I will not be the first or last with an empty heart, or left with no heart at all. Because I gave it to him, and he took it and ran.

I grab my iPod, hit the play key, and listen to the agonizing music. It starts slow and soft and grows so sweet I can hardly bear to hear it. I can almost imagine his voice humming over the notes, his soft supple fingers stroking the keys. "This… this is your lullaby. I wrote it for you, Bella. Sleep, my love…"

Love. What a beautiful, destructive word. It has destroyed me. But while it was mine, it was the most beautiful thing in the world. No, it was the world, the whole world, and I would set the world aflame to have it back, to have him back.

I would kill. I will die. I only pray that some doppelganger of his perfection shall be mine to love hereafter.