The Skirt Is the Sword's Natural Enemy

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man. That copyright belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

Guttersnipe's Word: I'd say there was mild crack! in here, so beware, but this is the D. Gray-man fandom, so...that's kind of normal. Please enjoy.

The skirt is the sword's natural enemy. Along with long, shapely legs and thigh-high, black—dark, if you will—boots. ...And possibly pigtails. –Bookman records, 1901

There wasn't really much meaning in their discussion. Neither of them was even aware of how they had arrived at the topic, in all honesty. Well, okay. Lavi knew how, what with his memory for the ages and all, but the "how" wasn't really important, regardless. As was stated, none of it was meaningful. They were just shooting the breeze, as guys often do, rambling about everything from Lenalee's legs to what to have for supper; from Lenalee's legs to the Science Division's latest debacle; from Lenalee's legs to how to get Krory to stop screaming at the sight of soba and back to Lenalee's legs. It was a very diverse conversation. But not at all serious. Which was probably why they were pondering one of the more useless topics they could have come up with.

"I swear he is," Allen insisted. "That or he's a eunuch. I can't think of any other explanations. And I'm inclined to believe that he's got a lover, too."

Lavi snorted at the idea Allen had just posed. "Please! The only thing Yu's ever slept with is Mugen. I really don't think his love for that sword is healthy."

Allen's face quirked into a minor frown. "He sleeps with his sword?"

"Oh yeah," Lavi nodded, an amused smile on his lips. "Takes it to bed with him. Holds it tight like a stuffed bear. A sharp, pointy, endowed with holy powers, stuffed bear."

"Wow," Allen grunted. Then a devil-grin split his lips as he added, "So, I guess he's not homosexual; he's just gladiusexual." (G: gladius is a Latin word for sword)

"Ha! That's about it!"

"He's such a freak," the white-haired boy murmured, shaking his head at the many insane quirks of their reluctant comrade, Kanda. "And I guess he mustn't trust Lenalee all that much, because he always grips Mugen closer to himself when she's around. Especially when she's wearing her short skirt. You think he thinks she's going to try to steal it from him? Or he just doesn't trust people in skirts?"

Lavi's face seemed to pale three shades as all humour left his eye. "Allen, please listen to what you're saying."

"What?"

The Bookman huffed, mind whirring and tension rising. "He holds Mugen closer when Lenalee's around? That's a protective reaction." He stabbed the air with a finger to emphasize his point. "The only reason for that would be that he feels that Mugen's presence is somehow threatened by Lenalee."

"Yeah. Like I said," Allen answered with a shrug. "I think he thinks she's going to try to take it from him."

"No, Allen! Ah!" Lavi shouted, running a gloved hand through his hair. He began to pace, intense thinking-cap on tight. "How could this ever have escaped me?! I see everything! Well, except what's to my right, but everything else, I see and catalogue!" A disheartened sigh escaped his lips. "Has this always been occurring in my blind, right peripheral?" he mumbled to himself, fingers on his lips in deep thought.

Allen just watched the muttering Bookman with eyes that reflected his internal confusion. "Lavi? What are you babbling about?"

"The skirt, Allen!" Lavi wailed, clutching his head in pure distress. "Oh, the skirt! I didn't notice because of the skirt! That scourge of men's wits and judgement..."

"The skirt distracted you?" Allen asked, unable to make sense of his friend's rantings.

"Well, it was really her legs that held my attention," Lavi clarified. "But yeah; it distracted me."

"So, you didn't notice Kanda's distrust of her?"

"No, Allen! Oh, you are so naive!" He gave the younger teen a reproachful, parental look. "He doesn't think she's going to take his sword. Think about it, Allen!" Lavi cried, leaning in toward the other male and tapping his forehead harshly with two fingers. "He gets more protective of Mugen when she's in her miniskirt. Who's better equipped to steal a sword in a miniskirt, I ask you? That's not sword-stealing attire! And Yu would know that!"

Sword-stealing attire? Allen frowned at the term. Now he's just making stuff up.

"No, he's not thinking she's going to steal Mugen." The red-head spun around, triumphant finger raised in the air. "He's thinking she's going to steal Mugen's place!"

The English teen didn't quite follow. "Mugen's place?" he repeated in question.

"In here, Allen," Lavi spoke, tapping over his heart. "Among other places."

Allen paused a moment, thinking on Lavi's words, before his eyes bugged out of his face. "Bed!?" he squeaked, face gone pale.

"Bed," Lavi confirmed with a dejected nod. "Held tightly like a stuffed bear. A leggy, miniskirt-wearing, holy power-wielding stuffed bear."

"Ugh." Allen grunted in distaste, a scowl upon his face. "He's such a foul beast! Probably just likes her legs, is all. He'll like her as long as she wears the skirt."

"Yeah, the boor," Lavi agreed, shaking his head disapprovingly. "How dare he objectify our Lenalee like that?!"

"We should go keep tabs on him. You know, to make sure he doesn't try something inappropriate," Allen suggested, completely and in all ways uncomfortable with the idea of Kanda getting his hands on—well, he didn't want to think about it.

"Mm, mm!" Lavi nodded, the drive to prevent Kanda from getting near Lenalee overpowering the logic centre in his brain that was telling him to hold up and think about his hastily composed theory a bit longer. "Let's go," he called over his shoulder as he took off running out of the mess hall.

They hadn't run very far—just outside the mess hall, in fact—when they nearly ran into the very person they were attempting to protect from the wily clutches of Kanda. But it seemed Lenalee herself was in a hurry to get somewhere too, as she nearly ploughed into the two males as she rounded the corner at a dead run.

"What's wrong, Lenalee?" Allen asked, concerned tone nearly lost in his breathlessness at almost being run over by the girl before him.

Lenalee's eyes were wide and wavering in apparent disbelief and fear as she answered shrilly, "I stole Kanda's sword!"

"What?!" they both cried, seeing their noble plan to protect her from Kanda begin to crumble even before they had begun.

"I stole Mugen from its place by Kanda!" she elaborated, shaking her head as though she herself couldn't believe what she had done.

"Noooo!" Lavi cried, hands pulling at his hair.

"Give it back! Give it back, Lenalee!" Allen cried, shaking the girl by her shoulders as though that would make her perform the action faster.

Lavi groaned in an open lament. "This isn't the type of thing you can just give back, Allen! It's non-refundable!" he shouted, cringing into his gloved hands.

The white-haired teen's head snapped about to stare at Lavi, desperate askance on his face. "Are you sure?!"

Lavi's face darkened, though it lost none of its urgency, as he explained, "The bed, Allen! The bed!"

Realization of Lavi's meaning quickly sank in, and Allen could only cry, "Ah-aww! Why, Lenalee?! Why?!" while reaching out his hands to her in a beseeching manner. Not the bed!! he screamed in his head.

The girl shrugged, as she quickly checked over her shoulder to make sure whoever she was running from hadn't found her and then replied, "I was bored! It seemed like it could be fun at the time. I don't know when I've ever seen him so fierce! He was like an animal! He actually got kind of violent with me."

"Stop" Allen screamed, clamping his hands over his ears, while squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head. "I can't hear anymore about it! My innocent mind!"

"You just did it because you were bored?!" Lavi asked incredulously, eye widened in disbelief. "In that case, you could have come to me. I wouldn't have been violent with you. I would have been sweet and gentle. You know, all that fluffy crap girls like."

Lenalee frowned, forgetting her nervousness in her confusion. "Lavi, what are you talking about?" she asked flatly. "Are you saying that if I stole your hammer and dropped it in the underground canal—by accident!—and you had to fish it out, you wouldn't be angry?"

Lavi froze for a moment, the terrible, lamentable thoughts of Lenalee in Yu's bed grinding to a screeching halt. He then leaned over to Allen and muttered quietly, "Was that an innuendo?"

"It didn't really sound like it," Allen mumbled back.

"Right. Didn't think so." He straightened and put on his easy grin as he laughed, "Ah ha ha! Lenalee! You stole Yu's sword! Literally. No figures of speech involved? No ulterior meanings there?"

"What?" she asked, frown deepening.

"Okay! So, me and Allen here are going to go now!" Lavi shouted, while grabbing Allen by the arm and dragging the shorter male down the hall and around the corner.

"Bye, Lenalee!" Allen called back, before being yanked viciously back around the corner they had just turned. "What the—Lavi?!" he grumbled at his friend's rough treatment of him.

"Yu's coming from that way!" Lavi hissed, raising his brow meaningfully.

Allen caught on immediately: they had just avoided a major crisis in their plan to keep Kanda away from Lenalee but her being here when he rounded that corner would undo all of that. They had to act now! "You know what?" Allen called out, practically shouting in his nervous attempt at nonchalance. "Why don't we go see if Jeryy can cook us up a snack? I'm starving!"

"I'm not really hungry—" Lenalee began quietly.

"Lenalee!" Lavi interrupted, a desperate light in his green eye. His voice dropped to an anxious whisper as he continued, "Yu is coming this way and he looks quite perturbed!"

"Well, I should go apologize to him anyway," she answered, beginning to walk toward the corner. "Taking his sword as a joke was one thing, but dropping it in the river, even if it was an accident, was pretty bad."

"No!"

"Why not?" She cast skewed looks at the two males behind her. "What's wrong with you two today?"

"He's bothered right now," Lavi explained. Then he shook his head and waved his hand as he amended, "Well, he's always bothered, but that's beside the point. He's bothered and he looks as though he's just gone through a hard workout, which means he's both hot and bothered. And it's because of you!" He pointed an accusing finger at the confused girl.

"You've got Kanda all hot and bothered, Lenalee!" Allen practically shouted, desperation upon his face. "You have to stay away from him! Look! Here's a nice janitor's closet; just hide in here for a few minu—uh—years, until he cools down." He gestured to the dark, cobwebbed abyss with a showy flourish of one hand while he held the rickety door up with the other, as it had just fallen off of its hinges when he opened it.

She watched the two males for a few moments, eyes narrowed and calculating, a hand on her hip. "Have you two gotten into whatever my brother's on? Because I don't think it's healthy..."

"Lenalee! We have to—" Lavi began to say, only to be cut off by his new arch enemy.

"Lenalee."

"Kanda."

"Kanda!"

"Yu-chan!"

Dark eyes narrowed on the red-head as Kanda hissed, "I will shove Mugen's scabbard down your throat if you call me that again."

"Kanda, I was going to apologize," Lenalee began to explain, stepping toward the irate man. "I didn't mean to drop Mugen in the canal. And I would have fished it out, but you were kind of coming at me rather angrily, so I thought it smarter to just hightail it out of there." She let out a sheepish chuckle.

"It's fine," he muttered, looking away from the nervously smiling girl.

A surprised look arose in Lenalee's face before she asked, "Are you sure? I could make it up to you—"

"I said it's fine. Forget about it," Kanda said in a not-quite-snappish voice. The water-logged Mugen was clutched slightly closer to its owner as he spoke, which did not go unnoticed by Lenalee's self-proclaimed bodyguards, as their eyes bugged out of their heads at the sight.

"You say that, but I feel like I should—"

"The man said it was fine, then it's fine!" Allen screeched, flailing his arms about in a desperate plea for Lenalee's compliance. "Don't try to force unwanted retribution on him!"

"You're making this far too easy for him!" Lavi added, shaking his head in dissatisfaction at how careless Lenalee was being by offering things to Yu. Then a thought hit Lavi and he gasped dramatically before he shouted, "Unless you want to make this easy for him?!"

Allen's eyes widened as he too gasped and cried, "Lenalee! How could you?!"

Said girl shook her head at her friends' behaviours, as she continued to remain clueless as to what was running through their minds. "What are you two going on about? Where is my brother's stash? I'm going to get rid of it; this is ridiculous."

"Wearing a miniskirt and stealing his sword..." Lavi grumbled to himself, thinking. He shook a finger in her face as he continued, "You knew what taking Mugen would mean to him! And you certainly would know that a miniskirt was not proper sword-stealing attire! Your ploy has been undone by your fashion faux pas!"

"What do you mean?!"

"The bed, Lenalee!" Lavi shouted, as though that explained everything.

"What about a bed?"

"You know about the bed!" he continued, rant never lessening in intensity. "Don't act all innocent! We can see through your temptress's wiles! For I am a Bookman and he is..." He froze for a moment as his memory lapsed in his tirade.

"An Englishman," Allen quietly supplemented, having been shaking and nodding his head in cadence with Lavi's diatribe and putting in hand and arm gestures where applicable.

"An Englishman!" Lavi boomed, back on a roll, as he resumed his restless lecturing. "And as a Bookman and an Englishman, we pride ourselves on...on..."

Allen cast questioning eyes over to his partner. "Not falling prey to women's wiles?" he offered hesitantly, eyebrows skewed in question.

"Not falling prey to women's wiles! We will not be wiled by you, woman!" Lavi shook his raised finger at Lenalee, face set in righteous displeasure.

"You are making about as much sense as a chicken with its head cut off," Lenalee muttered, shaking her head at them. "Just say it to me straight, or you're both getting a boot to the head. And I don't mean the ones on your shoulders."

"Auh..." they both mumbled, cringing at the thought.

But their attributes and their story were saved when Reever rounded the corner, laden down with a tower of books, and shouted, "Hey! Lavi! Allen! The Supervisor wants to see you two."

"Ah! I love you, Supervisor!" Lavi cried, joy streaming from his face as he took off down the hall. "Bye Lenalee! Yu-chan!"

"Bye Lenalee! Kanda!" Allen called back as he followed Lavi.

"That has got to be the strangest conversation I have ever had," Lenalee spoke quietly, shaking her head as she stared at the spot where the two fleeing males had just stood. "Do you have any idea what they were going on about, Kanda?"

"Che. Knowing them, it was probably something inconsequential that they blew out of proportion," he muttered, looking away with a sniff. "Don't concern yourself with it."

"I suppose..."

"We can't let this stand, Allen!" Lavi said as they headed toward Komui's office. "Yu's a beast, if ever there was one. He's a swordsman, not a ladies' man! Killing akuma comes naturally to him, but anything to do with people and he's a train wreck."

"Well, then he'll probably ruin it himself," Allen commented, panting slightly after going three quarters of the way to their destination at a dead run.

Lavi shook his head. "He's an emotional failure, but he's stubborn as they come. If he wants it, he gets it. And when he gets it, it's going to be a disaster."

"Lenalee won't necessarily let him pursue her, though. She's not necessarily interested."

"Allen!" Lavi cried, stopping and spinning around to face the younger male. "She stole his sword! Mugen is his precious thing. He values it more than human life, soba, and shampoo combined! You don't steal something like that unless you want a certain reaction, know what I mean?" He gave a quiet scoff and continued plodding down the hall.

"Maybe he won't show the reaction she's looking for," the white-haired teen offered, following the red-head. "I mean, he's pretty emotionally flat. Steamrolled flat, really."

"Allen, Allen," Lavi sighed. "She already got the reaction she wanted."

"Huh? When?"

"When Yu didn't blow up at her over his sword, man! He told her to forget about it. His precious Mugen, stolen and dropped in a canal, and he tells her to forget about apologizing for it?" A sharp, green eye shifted over to look meaningfully at two grey ones. "Anyone else, be it you or I or the pope himself, and Yu would have them screaming for deliverance that would be long in coming, I tell you." He grimaced. "Oh, they're both so sweet with their unspoken communication!"

Allen paused for a moment, thinking. "Well, maybe we should let them be, then. We should be happy for them."

Lavi stopped walking, pondering Allen's suggestion. "Hm. You're saying we should take the high road? Bow out gracefully? Don't meddle?"

"Yes. It's only right."

"Okay, Allen. We're going to take a trip on the high road. We'll be gentlemen about this."

"Komui! It's terrible! Yu's trying to seduce Lenalee!"

"WHAT?!"

"What happened to taking the high road?" Allen hissed in Lavi's ear.

"The high road's too much of a pain to climb," the addressed teen muttered, watching to see how Komui would handle the information. Or, rather, to see how he would not handle the information, but set out to nullify its existence. His sister-complex wasn't necessarily a bad thing for their situation.

"Kanda is trying to seduce my sweet, innocent, angelic Lenalee?!" Komui cried, voice going nerve-splittingly high before it dropped to a demon's growl as he asked, "Where is he?"

"Last saw him with her just off the mess hall," Lavi answered with a grin, rocking on his heels with his hands in his pockets, the picture of satisfaction.

"Komurin 15-X Armageddon Series!" Komui called to a giant...thing behind him. "Lock and load!"

...

...(twitch)

...

...(twitch)(twitch)(twitch)

... (twitch)(twitch)(twitch) (twitch)(twitch)(twitch) (twitch)

"Komui. ... Why the hell are you hugging me?"

Now, that was not something the people of Headquarters were accustomed to hearing from their very own human version of a South Pole blizzard, Kanda. So, yes; heads turned rather rapidly—whiplash-inducing fast—to witness what they were certain would be the gruesome demise of their Supervisor. His demented mind must have snapped its final thread. It was the only explanation for his current 

behaviour. Only a mentally unstable person with a death wish would hug Kanda. Heck, most people wouldn't even walk the same hallway as him if they could help it. Enough said.

Ooh... Look at that brow twitch... And the gritting teeth, clenched so tight, had there been soba noodles in there they would have been liquefied. Whoo boy. And the grip on Mugen. That katana was going to be melded to his hand with how tightly he was gripping it in an effort to control his rage. Hmm... Yes. Komui was definitely about to die. And the spectators peeking out of the mess hall would have helped him, but...to die before finishing the meals that Jeryy slaved over for them would just be so disrespectful and disheartening to the chef. And after Komui's death, Jeryy was going to need all of the emotional boosts he could get, to help him through the grieving process for his friend. Though, the chef didn't seem too concerned for his friend's safety at the moment... Did he know something they didn't?

"Komurin 15X Armageddon Series! Do it now, while I have him restrained!" Komui shouted, holding Kanda tight in a bear hug against the Exorcist's vicious struggling.

One of the insane Supervisor's robots was involved! That was never a good sign. And though Kanda had taken out one or two of those mechanical abominations in the past, he knew Komui had been tinkering away madly to create an invincible super soldier. And with how the Supervisor was, ugh, clinging to him, Kanda wasn't sure that he would be able to fend off whatever unexpected attack the robot might spew out.

Freaking Komui. And when the hell did this wimp get so strong? It was as though he had mechanical vices for arms.

A tinny voice said, "Yes sir. Target acquired. Initiating protocol L-15-76: the Omega Protocol." A series of clicks and whirs sounded from within the titanium alloy body looming above Kanda, as the robot's red, crosshairs eyes zeroed in on the Exorcist, sinister music playing on a speaker within its head (apparently Komui really wanted his victims to be able to appreciate the full ambience of being murdered by an A.I. and had composed a soundtrack to accompany the varying degrees of pain and danger that his different protocols entailed).

Then, in a blinding burst of light, fireworks began shooting off in the hallway, being fired out of Komurin's shoulders. The music turned from ominous to happy-go-lucky and the robot's forearms transformed into cannons.

Anticipating a face-full of lead, if not something worse, Kanda squeezed his eyes shut against the imposing weapons. But only a soft brush against his skin followed the cannons' deployment. Cracking an eye, he saw a cloud of slowly descending confetti, backlit by the still-shooting pyrotechnics, their smoke cloying about the walls and ceiling. A flashy banner unfurled between Komurin's hands while a gaudy, over-iced cake sprang out of his abdomen, miniature figurines stuck on top.

Upon closer inspection, with very wide eyes, Kanda realized that the bright banner read, "Welcome to the Family, Yu!" and the little figures on the cake looked suspiciously like himself and...Lenalee.

It was at this point that Kanda realized that Komui was still hugging him and that the older man was (cringe) crying and sniffling in his ear.

Ew.

"Welcome to the family, Yu! I was wondering when you would finally get over your asexuality. I'll call the priest! We'll have you two married today, yet!"

"Wh—What?!" the Exorcist screeched, eyes bugging out of his skull as his blood pressure went through the roof.

"You know, it's hard for me to let her go like this, so suddenly, but when I made the Omega Protocol, I promised myself that when you finally got it together, so would I. So, here we are, two men with similar troubles. One finally letting go; one finally letting others in." He took a deep, tear-laden breath. "This is a big day for us, Yu."

"Who the hell said you could use my given name?" Kanda seethed, eyes narrowed to marginal slits, the shock of this...experience preventing him from executing a proper glare.

"We're family now, Yu!" Komui exclaimed, hands on the younger man's shoulders, a teary sparkle in his eyes to accompany the affectionate smile. "Well, we will be soon enough, anyway," he corrected with a mild shrug. "You can just start calling me "brother" now, you know. Or, perhaps in your native tongue, "nii-chan." Hm? How about that, eh?"

"I...will never...call you—"

"Right, right," Komui interrupted with a wave of his hand. "We may have taken a big leap today, but we still need to pace ourselves. We have to ease ourselves into this. Just like how, just because I'm going to let you marry my precious Lenalee today, does not mean I will allow you to engage in explicit acts—"

"Brother!" Lenalee screamed, staring at her only kin with a look of pure horror and mortification. Her face was practically glowing it was so red, while she stalked up to Komui, grabbed him by the collar, and began shaking him roughly, all decorum and mild-manners out the window. "What are you doing?! Where is your stash?! Where is it?! You're going into rehab immediately! I can't believe you!"

"Le-Le-Lenalee! My sweetie pie! Your big brother was just giving his blessing for your marriage! See! I'm growing." Komui flashed a proud, closed-eye smile, still dangling from Lenalee's fisted hands.

"Would preventing this have been worth the pain of the high road?" Allen grumbled, staring at the disturbing scene before him, as Lavi proceeded to swallow and choke on his own tongue in shock and horror.

The End

Guttersnipe's Word: Well, now. I just, just got into D. Gray-Man, so I'm not as familiar with the characters as I could be, but I tried to stem the OOCness while still making it humorous/crackish. I know 

that doesn't make a lot of sense to some people, but that's the type of crack! I prefer to do; the kind that bends characters and canon, but doesn't break them.

I way prefer the manga to the anime. I borderline hate the anime. I don't know why I felt a need to write that, but there it is. I tend to say a lot of unnecessary things like that. Just as I'm doing right now and as I'm about to do next.

I really tried to like Allen X Lenalee at the beginning. I really did. But they're just too...sibling-like, in my opinion. I just can't find any chemistry between them. Hence my strange and ardent love for Kanda X Lenalee. It's likely that any D. Gray-Man fic I write will involve some measure of this pairing—if it has a pairing in it at all. Though, I'm also slightly fond of Lavi X Lenalee, so that's a possibility as well. Heck, I know that they are more likely than Kanda X Lenalee (even though I know even they are impossible, because of the obvious Allen X Lenalee the story pushes), but I still hold fast to my fave.

Let me know what you thought! Please review.