20 Things Sirius Black shouldn't do at Hogwarts
Chapter One
Not allowed to insist everybody call me 'Big Daddy.'
I should not go into the Great Hall in nothing but whipped cream, cherries and a banana and yell, "WHO WHAT'S A SIRIUS BLACK SPLIT?!"
I will not steal Dumbledore's lemon drops and blame someone else when he asks where they went.
I will not tell people Remus is my bitch.
I will not tell Lily Evans that she needs to get laid.
I must not ask if Snape is too penniless to buy some shampoo.
I will not paint Flitwick green and refer to him as Yoda.
I am forbidden to lock James and Evans in an unused classroom together for twenty-four hours.
Not allowed to host an inter-house Slip-n-Slide Tournament in the Great Hall using the House tables.
I will not start a nudist colony in the Prefect's bathroom.
I will not tell Lily Evans 'Thanks for last night' in front of James, provoking that latter to hexing me.
Not allowed to set up a betting pool as to when Snape will take a bath.
Not allowed to send Snape bathing products on Christmas.
Not allowed to buy inflatable sheep.
Not allowed to enchant said inflatable sheep and let them loose on the grounds.
Not allowed to buy the first years souls and make them my bitches.
Nor am I allowed to pimp them out to older students.
I will not tell students Remus is having his 'time of the month'.
Not allowed to give myself, Snape or anyone else on the grounds magical breast implants.
Not allowed to cast a butt enlargement charms on myself, Snape or anyone else on the grounds.
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Happy reading!