Smoker/Ace! Written for starstruck272 on LJ for jumpexchange. Prompts of Smoker/Ace, jitte, Ace's hat, captivating, Luffy. Which...are all in there somewhere or another. Ahahaha.

Warnings: Ace's dirty mind/mouth, implications of sex, slightly disturbing conversations meant entirely in jest?

"You're supposed to be dead."

"Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated." Ace grinned as he clambered through the porthole into Smoker's cabin. "Besides, I didn't know you went for necrophilia. Wouldn't it be much easier to just knock me out or whatever instead of having to deal with the whole dead business? You'd miss my captivating conversation, don't deny it!"

"You mean your inane prattle as you constantly try to get yourself killed by sneaking onboard a marine ship and into the cabin of a commanding officer." Smoker pulled out another set of cigars because it was impossible to survive a conversation with Portgas without a heavy dose of nicotine and well, smoke. Of course. "I'd almost think you wanted to be dead for all the care you give your life."

Ace smirked, knocking his hat back as he sprawled across the tiny bed. "Aww, worried about me, taisa? Sweet of you. Didn't know you cared so much." He flicked his hand out to light the cigars before Smoker had a chance to reach for a light. "Didn't you get a promotion? Shouldn't you get a bigger bed for that sort of thing?"

"Same ship, same bed," Smoker grunted. "And I like my ship.

"'Course you do, taisa. Nice convenient portholes in it, after all. Since you worry about me and all. Wouldn't want me getting stuck or caught wandering around trying to figure out where your new digs are, would you?"

"I do not."

"Do too!"

"Definitely do not."

"Definitely do too."

"Shut it, brat. And get out of here."

"You going to make me?" Ace asked, eying the jitte still strapped across Smoker's shoulders.

"…" Smoker swung the jitte off his back, lifting Portgas's chin with its seastone tip and watched as his body went limp, shit-eating grin still firmly in place. "You enjoy that too much. It defies the purpose of it." He drug the tip around, snaring the hat from Portgas's back before removing both from his body.

"Kinky bastard," Ace gasped as his strength came back. "What would the marines say, if only they knew! Keeper of the justice! Kinky bastard!"

Smoker growled low in his chest, tempted to poke him with the jitte again just to make him shut up.

"I bet ojiisan would love to hear all about it. Over tea!"

"…" Smoker was seriously considering poking him with the jitte now.

"'Course, he probably won't be too happy about the almost-but-not dead thing. I just can't decide if he'd be more angry about his precious grandson almost ending up dead or about a wanted pirate escaping when he should be dead. Kind of hoping for the first one.."

"Will you PLEASE shut up and stop reminding me that Garp is your grandfather. He's disturbing enough without that detail. No one should ever drink that much tea. It can't be healthy."

Of course, in drawing the attention back to himself and away from Portgas's rant, he'd accidentally acquired attention to his thievery.

"A KINKY BASTARD AND A THIEF! GIVE ME BACK MY HAT!"

Smoker snorted in amusement as Portgas flung himself towards his precious hat, which really did look ridiculous. What was the point of the faces? Completely illogical, like its owner. He quickly shifted to smoke and billowed to the other side of the room, letting Portgas crash into the desk he had been sitting at. "This hat?" he asked, letting it dangle over the spot Portgas had recently been sitting in.

"No, the one on your crotch," Ace drawled before launching again. "YES, that one. Give it BACK."

Smoker scowled as he reformed back at the desk, noting the flicker of flame at Portgas's fingertips. "I'll dispose of it myself if you light my ship on fire, Portgas. So I suggest you sit still."

Ace grumbled but sat back. "Metal walls, I tell you. It works wonders."

"Not everyone has a problem with setting fire to whatever they touch."

Ace pouted. "I want my hat."

"On one condition."

"Please?" Ace batted his eyes and tried to look seductive.

"Not that condition, brat." Smoker was constantly amazed that his brain was still marginally intact after prolonged exposure to Portgas. Or any of the D's, for that matter. They were all completely batshit insane.

"Oh come on, taisa, I asked nicely! What else do I have to do, spread my legs and cry 'Take me now, you stud, you're so smoking hot!' in a high-pitched girly voice, blow your mind with amazing sex and then sneak away with it in the night?"

Smoker looked tempted and Portgas already had his legs half spread with a grin on his face before he growled out his condition. "No awkward tea-time conversations with Garp about me." Portgas looked perplexed and a bit disappointed. "He already drives me insane enough without you giving him ammunition, brat."

"Sooo…If I don't tell ojiisan about your kinky bedroom habits and thieving, BLACKMAILING ways, I can have my hat back?"

Smoker nodded curtly.

"Deal." Ace grinned brightly before letting his legs fall open again. "So, you smokin' hot stud, want to grab your jitte and have sex to seal the deal or whatever?"

"…Brat."

--

"Hey kiddo, want to tell ojiisan something for me?" Ace was quite happily seated in the galley of the Thousand Sunny, being fed a truly excellent meal which he had only fallen asleep in once so far, it was so good, and catching up with the crew.

"Sure, Ace!" Luffy chirped, shoving another turkey leg or something large and leg-shaped into his mouth.

"Best kid brother a guy could hope for," he said before leaning over and whispering conspiratorially in Luffy's ear.

"THE SMOKEY GUY?!"

Ace nodded.

"Really?"

"Really." Ace grinned. "You'll tell him?"

"Yeah! He's funny."

Ace smiled even brighter and thanked whatever deity was up there that his brother was insane enough to really do it.

--

A few weeks later, Smoker learned the importance of proper phrasing. And all it took was one horrifying conversation dealing in safe sex and how it was okay to be imaginative, complete with stories of his 'younger days,' which was a topic Smoker would much rather pretend never existed, and tips. iTips/i. It was horrifying. There was simply no other word for it. He was scarred for life. And was definitely, definitely never going to be able to look at tea the same way again.

Portgas was going to pay, and that was that.

All Smoker had to do was wait for him to come crawling back through his porthole. He had a nice blowtorch waiting, and that hat was going to get it.

--

It was really just a pity that, in the end, Ace was ready for just that.