Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: At the rate I'm going, I'll end up putting everyone in the brig. Anyway, tell me what you think. Any mistakes you tell me about will be fixed as soon as possible.

Doing Time: ER Edition

Jazz had the sinking suspicion that Primus was setting this up. Once again he was sent to post guard at the brig. This time though, he was sure he was about to experience what Prowl goes through whenever his logic circuits lock up. Because behind the bars, reading from yet another data pad, was a very familiar ambulance…

And he wasn't referring about First Aid.

"Stop gawking. It can't be that shocking," Ratchet said, optics moving away from the data pad to look at him.

Jazz felt the familiar scans going over his body and he couldn't help but throw an amused smile at Ratchet. Apparently you can take the mech out of the medbay, but you can't take the medic out of the mech.

"Have ya ever even set foot down here before today?" Jazz asked amused, completely ignoring the medic's frown as he, for once, sat on the chair and not the desk.

"Stop being a glitch-head, Jazz," Ratchet said dismissively before turning back to his data pad. Jazz grinned wider, figuring that was Ratchet's way of saying he was fine and was not in any danger of crashing due to shock.

"You wound me, doc. I was only pointin' out that I've never heard of ya being here before."

Ratchet cycled air and put down the data pad forcefully. Jazz was just grinning and the medic had to admit that grin was one of the most annoying things he'd ever had the grace of seeing.

"Do you mind? I still have two and a half million human years worth of medical information to catch up on."

"Oh, ya gotta be kiddin' me, doc!" Jazz exclaimed, "Don't tell me ya came down here to read in peace."

The ambulance rewarded him with the simple rise of an optic ridge, "You're lucky I can't mute that vocalizer of yours. Now, don't act stupid and let me read."

"Ya know,doc... Why don't ya tell me how ya got in there," Jazz suggested, pretending to be oblivious of the withering look the medic sent him, "That way we're both gonna be entertained."

Ratchet cycled air again in resignation.

"You are not going to leave me be until I tell you, right?" Ratched asked and Jazz just shook his head with glee written all over his face.

"Very well, it started with Huffer yesterday morning."

Day before: Early morning

Ratchet had barely finished his morning energon when Huffer entered the medbay. The minibot had a dent on his helmet.

"Do I want to know how you got that?" the medic began as he ushered the mech towards the nearest medical berth.

"The twins were throwing rocks again," Huffer began, sounding miffed and Ratchet stifled a growl as he began fixing the bot.

There was barely a breem of complete silence before Huffer started talking, "And I think I got sand in my servos again. Probably got some in my fuel pump too. Sand gets everywhere."

That had been ended up being one of the longest three hours of his life, Ratchet was sure of it. Unfortunately, his day just got worse. Huffer had just walked out of the medbay when Cliffjumper and Sunstreaker walked in with Prowl after them.

"Ratchet, I need you to fix them both and send them to me as soon as you're done," the tactician said as he gave the two mechs a pointed look and added, "First Aid will not come today. The Protectobots encountered a delay and their team leader just commed me to tell you that he will be returning to the Ark tomorrow."

Ratchet frowned. While he knew he could take care of the medbay by himself, having done so for quite a while, he was the first to admit that the help was quite welcomed. Specially when he had cases like Sunflower and Cliffhumper (and Primus he needed to start practicing better insults) at the same time. Prowl performed a rather graceful retreat after that, leaving him in charge of the two big sparklings, who were busy throwing insults at each other.

"Okay, here's the deal, I do not want to know what happened and I do not want to hear your voices," Ratchet began, earning the attention of the two glaring mechs and not afraid of glaring back at them.

He scanned them both in order to assess the damage in order to determine who needed to get treated first. Unsurprisingly, Cliffjumper had a nice dent on his side that was very similar to the one he just fixed on Huffer. Sunstreaker on the other hand was fine. Ratchet felt like smacking the twin until there was something broken for him to fix. He made his way to Cliffjumper, throwing the twin a glance.

"Okay, Sunstreaker, I want you out of my medbay and in Prowl's office in one third of a breem. Now scram!"

"Are you insane?" Sunstreaker asked, looking very much like he was going to attack the medic for even suggesting that. Frankly, Ratchet was not impressed.

"Can't you see the scratch that slagging piece of scrap gave me!" Sunstreaker finished dramatically, as if he was in actual pain. Ratchet's optics flickered and he scanned the twin again.

"You…" Ratchet began, temper rising as he scanned again, "It's an inch long scratch!"

"See! I can't go walking around like this!" Sunstreaker declared and made himself comfortable on the medical berth.

Ratchet considered his options as he began working with Cliffjumper. He could throw the twin out now and hear him whine while fixing mechs that the insufferable twin injured himself or he could fix that slagging scratch.

"How come Cliffjumper gets fixed first?" Sunstreaker demanded while the minibot in question smirked at the Lamborghini.

Ratchet had to give the red mech some credit. At least he knew to stay silent while being repaired. Not that he didn't try to annoy Sunstreaker, but at least he was subtle about it...

And isn't that a strange word to use with Cliffjumper in mind?

Ratchet couldn't believe that it had taken him longer to fix that thrice damned scratch than Cliffjumper and Huffer combined. And all because the paint was not to Sunstreaker's satisfaction. Ratchet contented himself with imagining a giant golden toaster in place of the Lamborghini. Unfortunately, by the time Sunstreaker was gone there were at least five other mechs waiting for repairs.

Back at the brig

"So ya had a bad day, doc? Everyone has one," Jazz replied lazily, "Besides, with this crew I thought ya were used t' somethin' like that happenin' at least once a week," the Porsche finished speaking by giving the medic a cheeky grin.

"A bad day?" Ratchet drawled, "You have no idea what a bad day for me is like."

"Give us som' credit, Ratch. It's not like we get hurt on purpose."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Ratchet said seriously, "After Sunshine finally left, I treated Ironhide, Tracks, Mirage, Powerglide, Grimlock, Wheeljack, Prowl, Red Alert, Windcharger, all of the Aerialbots and Slag. And that was before the end of the solar cycle."

"That still doesn't explain how ya get in there," Jazz said.

"Well, I was fragged. Did you know all of them got injured by their own stupidity. And to top it all off, both of the twins came back later," Ratchet groused as he continued telling Jazz the events of the day.

Late at night or extremely early in the morning

It had taken Ratchet three hours with each twin to get them to leave. He was tired and hungry. He had forgotten to drink anything during the day and no one had reminded him. He chanced a look at his chronometer and cycling air tiredly. There was no one to take over the medbay for him. He would have to stay on shift until there was someone that could take over for him. Unless…

Ratchet would later blame it on the low levels of energy, saying that it had affected his processor's speed. That still didn't change the fact that he still did it. He didn't even have to think about it. In less than a klik he had opened a comm line for everyone on base.

:Okay everyone, this is Ratchet. I've spent the entire slagging day repairing the lot of you. I have to say you do a better job at dismantling each other than the Decepticons. Having said that, I am quite happy to tell you that the next idiot that enters my medbay will have their aft welded to the wall for an entire orn. Ratchet out.:

The ambulance switched off his comm line and had just finished placing the last of his tools in place when the doors of the medbay opened. Ratchet's optics brightened as he grabbed his favorite welder and gave his best glare at the mech entering the room.

"Ratchet, I think I accidentally may have damaged…" the imposing red and blue mech trailed off as he took in the form of the medic with a welder in his hands, "Ratchet?"

The medic smirked, "Sorry, Optimus, but I'm a mech of my word."

Back at the brig

Jazz stared at the medic, laughter threatening to come out, "You…you…"

"I welded Optimus Prime's aft to the wall for an entire orn," Ratchet said, a hint of a smile on his mouth plate, "That way everyone will know I actually follow through on my threats."

Jazz couldn't hold in his laughter anymore.

Edited: 2/15/09 - fixed errors