A/N Don't know when this is set, but just go along with it.

Disclaimer: Don't own RvB, but if I did, well, there would be a few members of the Blue team in my closet... DOING MY LAUNDRY HAHAHAHA.

(OoOoOoOoOoOoOo)

A few crackles and snaps, accompanied by 'ouch's and 'I think it's moving!' alerted Leonard L. Church that something was not quite right at the Blue Base, stationed in Blood Gulch.

He was about to get up and do something about it when he realized that nothing is every really right at Blue Base, and that ten more minutes of sleep versus being awake wouldn't change much, besides how much hair loss Tucker would suffer from fire damage created by Caboose.

Comprising for a different method of discipline, Church took the route most parental units use when they no longer have the will to live, but feel they must have some semblance of control anyway-

"Do NOT make me come down there!"

One… two… three…

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"Day 546 of this misery- Private Tucker dies," muttered Church, burying his face deeper into his bunk, savoring the warmth-

WHAM!!

"My best friend is awake! IT'S FUN TIME, CHURCH, IT'S FUN TIME!"

"Shut up, Caboose!" growled Church, swatting above his head with a pillow. But due to Caboose's sheer size and armor weight, it was similar to throwing pebbles at the Empire State Building, if the Empire State Building was giving you a head massage with a dishwasher scrubbie.

"I read on the Internetz that massages cause people to be happy! Are you happy, Church?"

"Internetz? What are you, twelve? No, don't answer that." Church rolled out of his bunk and stumbled to the shower, hitting several objects that he didn't care to avoid on the way there. He began to feel around the metal sink of the bathroom for the necessary cleansing materials- of which there was only a rusty razor. There was also a pink bowtie on the door to the room with the shower in it, but Church assumed that Caboose wanted to make Church's room colorful in effort to win him over as his best friend.

"Did you eat the shampoo again? Just because it's fruit-scented doesn't mean it's edible." Maybe it will kill him, thought the Blue team leader hopefully, then realized, after Caboose had ingested the antifreeze for the Warthog, he'd probably built up a resistance.

It kinds of makes you wonder just what he ate as a kid, mused the soldier, collecting the same towel he'd used for the past 546 days (it just dried overnight, and held up quite well) and stepped into the shower, it'd be interesting to go into his files and find out exactly what happened to him-

"Excuse me, but if the pink papillion is on the door, then the shower is occupied!" crisply snapped a voice from the steamy depths of the shower.

"What the h-" started to scream Church when Donut poked his head out of the shower (in a cap, of course- he does his hair afterwards in the sink) and said, "Simmons used all the hot water in making a bubble bath for Sarge."

With an animal-like grunt/shriek, Church whipped around to go use another shower on the other side of the base.

But by this point, Church had forgotten that he slept in the nude, he had dropped his towel in shock of seeing Donut that early in the morning- and then realized by this point, Tex was up.

"Hey, I know you're desperate, but it's 7:30," she commented, drying her hair from her shower. "At least wait until I've had my coffee, and we can talk about the times and details later."

"-- and your grandmother" was Church's irate reply.

Pitying him slightly, Tex threw her towel at the parts of him that needed one and walked back into her room, smiling a little.

(OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo)

After a shampoo-less shower and skipping a shave (with his luck, he'd probably slash himself with the razor, imaging his throat to be any of the other members of the base) Church stumbled downstairs and was greeted by a rather odd sight.

Well, it all depends on your perspective. If mountains of pancakes, bowls of warm syrup, and cups of fresh fruit sitting on the metal military-issued table is normal, then the next scene will most likely bore you. Re-read the previous scenes to get a bit of a laugh, then skip to the next scene.

"Wha…" mumbled Church before remembering his own rule- never ask questions if there are many possibilities for an answer.

"Sister found a bunch of pancake mix at the red base and brought it over, and the fruit and syrup, well, Grif and Simmons actually started a garden together," explained Tucker's voice from behind a large stack of rapidly depleting pancakes.

"You do know that the reds are the ENEMY?!" snarled Church, but then was hit by the amazing aroma of freshly baked goods, and said, "I'll think about that in fifteen minutes."

"These are gluten-free healthy-choice low-fat flapjacks," said Sister, sitting next to Tucker and eating green-colored pancakes. "And I added food coloring to some of them because studies show that colors make people happy. Apparently, green is revitalization, yellow is optimism, and blue is positive and happy energy."

That doesn't seem right, or else I'd be like Donut all the time when the new armor catalogue comes in, cynically thought Church as he looked around for forks and knives to eat with. "Where are the forks and stuff?"

"Doc said to cleanse the base of negative energy, anything sharp needed to be taken out," said Sister.

"Then what am I supposed to eat with?" grumbled Church, and then held up his hand when Sister opened her mouth. "No, I don't want an answer!" He settled for the lack of eating tools and just folded up the pancake and stuffed fruit and syrup in it, and ate it like that. Some of the sticky maple goodness ran down his arm, but for now, he just didn't care.

At this moment, Caboose came down the stairs with the dishwasher scrubbie, happily crying, "BEST FRIEND! YOU'RE EATING!"

"I'm going upstairs to smother myself," announced Church, taking his pancake wrap with him.

As he went to up the gravity lift to his room, Tex met him at the top and said, "We just got a new shipment of sniper rifles from Command, and they want us to test it out. Now, or in ten minutes after you smother yourself?"

"I'm not letting you handle those guns before I do," said Church, feeling a little better at the prospect of shooting things.

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" yelled Tucker from downstairs.

"It's like magic," observed Tex as the two walked to the shooting range. "I wonder…" she murmured, and lowered her voice to a whisper, "Wow, how much ammo can your gun take?"

One… Two… Three…

"He didn't hear you," said Church in amazement. "This goes down in Blood Gulch history."

"Well, I'll take this gun if you prefer the bigger ones, I think it's easier to maneuver the smaller ones," said Tex, taking a couple out of the box and eyeing them.

There was the zwoom of the gravity lift and Tucker came running up. "Bow-chicka-bow-wow times 2! I was eating during the first one!" He returned to the kitchen area with a bit of a skip to his step.

(OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo)

"This one is a bit off in the zoom but the firing is great," said Tex, marking some notes down on a clipboard and shooting some more at the cardboard cutout targets shaped like familiar people, in familiar colors.

Actually, they weren't cardboard- they were real people, but who was keeping track of how many people there were in Blood Gulch anyway?

"Donut runs pretty fast," observed Church, tracking him with his new sniper rifle. "But why does he do horse-steps instead of actual running?"

"He told me this morning that is strengthens your calf and thigh muscles while increasing your knee flexibility," explained Tex, loading some more ammo in.

"Why-"

"Don't ask questions," said Tex, firing another gun. "Okay, this one is the best so far."

"Chuuuuurrrrrchhhhhh," called several voices from inside the base.

"WHAT?" he yelled, and then his radio crackled on.

"We need a question answered. And you could have just used your radio to ask what, you know," reprimanded Doc, "screaming doesn't aid your vocal chords at all. Warm water with honey will clear up your scratchy voice, it's a quick fix-"

"I DON'T CARE!" screamed Church, and tightened his fists in frustration.

Unfortunately, his hand was around the trigger, and thus set of a reaction that many seasoned veterans would call 'a gunshot.'

What Church did not know was that he had grabbed, not a gun, but a newly stylized grenade launcher.

He also did not realize that he had turned to hear the yelling better and was now facing his room.

Thus the end result of this was that his room had been transformed into a pile of smoldering ashes.

(Ten minutes later)

The rest of the residents of Blood Gulch, fearing the blue leader's wrath, had fled to the Red Base to make lunch out of Grif and Simmon's garden.

Church had his head in Tex lap and muttering incoherent mumbles, twitching occasionally.

"Well, it's not like you lost a whole lot," said Tex, messing with his hair because she had removed his helmet. "You didn't bring anything to base when you first came."

Church inhaled, and his dog tags shifted, along with the engagement ring that was with them as well. "Right…"

"Chuuuuuurch," whined Caboose from downstairs. "Tucker stole my Pixie Stix!"

"I'm going to kill them all," murmured Church as he fell asleep.

(OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo)

A/N REVIEW! They are love.