A/N:I have been away from OLTL for awhile now but the recent Jolie scenes really hit the muse starved spot. Oh and I have a major feedback addiction. Be an enabler! –Becca Girl-

Part Five: Home Coming

Sometimes John would dream that Natalie would come back, that magically the past would be wiped clean and they would be them again, before them fell apart. His mind never was able to construct a reason, it would just be, she would be with him; she would be home. But none of his dreams involved her shuffling along next to him and the strong smell of alcohol on her breath. He didn't know where exactly to go with her, but he wouldn't take her to Llandfair. He told himself it was because she didn't want to go but if he was honest it was because John wouldn't take her to him.

"Natalie." John warned, his voice trying to keep her aware. "I have to unlock the door. Just- just stand still, okay?"

Natalie exhaled loudly, feebly glaring at him as she leaned against the stained floral wallpaper that lined the hallway. Her mind was in a fuzzy rut, too drunk to think straight but too tired to fight all the painful truths that wormed their way into her head; and so her brain worked itself in circles, obstacle too big to ignore but no way overcome. She tried to think of something else, anything else but all the mistakes she had made.

John unlocked the door, his eyes constantly checking over his shoulder as if Natalie would just disappear, Alice down the rabbit hole. Pushing the door open he led her inside, latching the door behind her, locking the world out. He stood, at a loss for words as Natalie ran her hand over the back of his sofa. "Everything looks the same." She commented offhand.

John couldn't disagree more, it wasn't the same. Gone were the heels of hers he used to trip over, none of her books marred pages with folded down corners where she had marked passages that she would read over and over, there was a stain left from where her perfume bottle used to sit on his dresser but no earrings lay in meshed up pairs. There was no more orange juice in his fridge; he had long since stopped caring about staying healthy, no purple toothbrush in his bathroom, no more of her. "Not really." His voice was soft and he wasn't sure if she even heard him, or if he even wanted her to.

Natalie sighed, plopping down ungracefully on the couch, her mind running in weary circles and a sick feeling in her stomach. She was exhausted and yet there was something comforting about being back in a place she knew she shouldn't be. She liked the way it still smelled the same, it was an odd thing, but she didn't have the childhood memories of baking cookies or roasting turkeys to fall back on. The only time she could ever remember feeling safe was in that small apartment, in that small space with him.

"Hey," John broke the silence. "It's gonna be okay." If he was trying to convince him or her he didn't know.

"This is how it was supposed to be." How it was supposed to be she didn't even know, her and Jared, her and John; it was a muddled medley in her mind. "I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to be enough."

John's heart hurt for her, for himself, for the way he hadn't been able to show her that she was more than enough, more than he deserved, much more than Jared had deserved. "Natalie…" Her name laced with all the words he could never speak, the feelings he had held in his heart and yet she never knew. They were always at the tip of his tongue, always so close and yet in the end it came back to nothing, her name and a look shared across the tiny space.

She met his gaze, simple pain painted on her features, as if she didn't know how to hide that much hurt. And then she dissolved into a rush of hot salty tears, her head buried into her knees, her heels pressing dimples into his sofa. He was at her side an instant; he never had known how to stop trying to save her. Save her from Haver, from Hayes, from Carlos, from himself- mostly from himself.

"I'm sorry. I'm just-" Anger, disappointed, crushed instead she rested her head on John's shoulder, her tears dampening his shirt. "I'm just so sorry. I just-" She stopped and started again, the truth made clear in the haze of pain and alcohol. "I wanted to love him. I wanted to be a good sister. Just once. I tried, I tried." It began to spill out, faster and faster. "And she is sitting there with all this baby stuff and it hurt, ya know?"

John didn't know. But he nodded. "Yeah."

"But I kept trying. But still I just kept thinking that it was supposed to be me, ya know? I was supposed to get to be a mom. And I just- I felt so angry inside but I was trying. I was." John attempted to follow her confession, pulling out vague details about Natalie wanting to be a mom; he tried not to think about him, Jared and her with a baby. It made his stomach churn, a sour taste in his mouth.

"I just- and then them, they were… And it's not fair! It's not fair. And she said- but it's not true. I wanted our baby. I know it was just one night, but I wanted… I wanted…" And then the sobs over took her, leaving her an incoherent mess that clung to John's shirt.

John looked down at her as she struggled with demons he couldn't see and there was a lump in his throat. He tried not to dwell on that word, the one that had stopped his heart in his chest when he heard it pass through her lips, our. She was drunk, and tired, and obviously hurting. "I know. I know. Shhhhh." He kissed the top of her head, pressing his lips against the silk sweet smelling locks of crimson hair. "It's okay. I've got you." And he sat holding her until her sobs became soft and her body sagged heavy against his, there were questions sharp in his mind but he swallowed them down. For a moment they could just be, for a moment the could just be them.

TBC