A/N: I should be updating Gangs of New York and As Shadows Play, but I'm having writer's block. So I wrote this for my friend Julio.

Bleach would be full of yaoi if it were mine.

Few days in the Kurosaki household had ever started out so exciting, so loud, so unbearably disturbing.

"Jesus, Grimmjow! What the fuck do you think--"

"Oh shut up, Strawberry. You wanted me to do this, didn't you?"

"Well yeah, but--ow!"

"Then shut up and take it like a man."

Lots of banging sounds were heard, as well as some muffled curses.

Rukia silently thanked the gods that the rest of the Kurosaki family was out of the house and didn't have to hear what was going on on the other side of Ichigo's door.

"Why the hell are they being so damn loud?!" hissed Renji, a look of utter shock and disgust on his face.

"Why are you asking me, dumbass? I'm not Ichigo or Grimmjow, I can't give you an answer!"

"I think it's wonderful that Ichigo has come of age so quickly," stated Yumichika flatly, flipping his neat black hair over his shoulder and smiling. "And with a rather beautiful man such as that Grimmjow character, no less. He has fine taste."

Rukia and Renji chose to ignore him.

"It's nine in the fucking morning," whispered Renji fiercely. "And already they're at it like rabbits! Why do teenagers have to be so--"

"FUCK GRIMMJOW!! TAKE IT OUT ALREADY!"

The three Soul Reapers froze, horrified expressions gracing their features.

"Stop being such a pussy, Ichigo!"

"It hurts, goddammit! Stop being such a sadist!"

"Listen up now honey, you're gonna be sorry if you don't let me finish."

"Oh my," said Yumichika.

"Ow! Do you get off on making me feel pain? Is that it? Are you--mmf!"

Muffled gasps and what sounded like a moan drifted through the door.

"I'm sick of hearing you running your mouth while I'm trying to do my job," said Grimmjow.

It was the last straw for Renji. He all but kicked the door down, screaming about decency.

Ichigo and Grimmjow, both fully clothed (save for Ichigo, whose shirt was stripped off), stared at Renji like he was insane.

"But--I thought--we--"

"What the fuck are you talking about, dumb pineapple," sneered Grimmjow, picking at one of many red spots on Ichigo's chest. "There, that's the last of them, you pussy." He flicked something away nonchalantly and whacked Ichigo on the back, grinning his customary "I'm-going-to-rape-you-then-eat-you" grin. "To think, a tough guy like you who nearly got split in half by Aizen-gawd at one point and barely winced made a big fucking fuss over a few bee stings."

"Those bees were vicious! I didn't even do anything and they think it's fine to just fly in and fucking spear me."

Renji deflated visibly, like a balloon who had just been told it couldn't have a cookie, then had its air sucked out with a vaccuum cleaner. It doesn't make much sense, but it happened.

"Bee stings? So those red spots aren't love bites? My goodness. That's not nearly as interesting as I would have liked. What a pity." Yumichika shook his head and walked off, strutting like a peacock. Ichigo raised an eyebrow, then turned to Rukia.

"What the hell is he talking about?" he demanded, pointing first at Renji and then at the space the vain Soul Reaper had previously occupied.

Rukia assumed her matter-of-fact face. "Well, due to what you were screaming quite loudly, and the fact that you and Grimmjow are dating, and the sounds we heard, and teenage hormones, we assumed that you and Mr. Jeagearjaques were...well...going at it."

All the color drained out of Ichigo's face while Grimmjow just laughed heartily.

"I don't see that ever happening. I mean, if this idiot can't handle a few bee stings then how could he ever handle my--"

Grimmjow was cut off with a fierce punch to the face, which sent him crashing into the opposite wall.

"Like I'd ever be uke in this relationship, you asshole!" yelled a red-faced Ichigo. Rukia sighed and left the couple to fight it out amongst themselves, dragging a shell-shocked Renji behind her as she closed the door.

"Well, that worked." Ichigo glared at the teal-haired Espada.

"Did you really have to agitate a bee's nest and have them sting me half to death just so we could get them out of my house?"

"You betcha. They cleared out pretty fast. You're good at acting like a pussy. Unless it wasn't an act?"

"Go to hell."

Grimmjow grinned his grin and pounced on Ichigo. Time for some fun.

As the moans filtered through the door, Yumichika giggled naughtily. It had been a good idea to come back after all.

A/N: Cliche and no planning at all.

Feel free to flame/review/flame.