A/N: So this is the series of Yuffietine drabbles I said I'd post. I'm trying out a new style of writing. It's, like, fusing some other authors' style with my own, but I'm not sure if I succeeded, because I know I don't write Yuffie as well as I write Vincent. Maybe I'm more like Vincent than Yuffie. Oh well. I'd like some feedback on this fic though. So please, just tell me what you think about it after you read this. Like it, hate it, whatever. I need it. Thanks.
Oh and, if you like Shelke, I wouldn't recommend you to read this. I mean it.
Disclaimer: I don't own, in any shape or form, FFVII or any of its characters. It belongs to Square Enix. So no sueing please.
Without further ado, I present to you the first drabble of A Series of Fruity Events.
Enjoy and review!
When Life Gives You Lemons
That stupid, idiotic vampire/hobo/pedophile.
Heard that he's come back to town. From that cave of his dead chick. Who does he think he is, huh? Disappearing off like that and when he comes back, he doesn't even come to say hello. Well he doesn't literally say "hello" like that, but surely he knows that I– we care about him! He just probably wants to spend more time with that chicklet that's actually an older chick with voices inside her mind. Yeah, bet they're snogging in that coffin of his right now.
Urk.
Great, I think I want to vomit. Hmph. Stupid vampire. I'm not gonna talk to him even if he comes to say hello.
"YUFFIE! Look who's here!" Oh gawd, I'm going deaf. Do you hafta shout, Tifa? Now she's looking at me like I'm crazy. What? I was just unprepared, that's all! Wait. Scratch that. Great ninjas are never unprepared. I was just…just…
Oh. My. Gawd.
Is that Vince?
As in, Vinnie Vintage Valentino?
Argh! My eyes! It's Shelke! Shelke Welke!
...Ha! That's what I'm gonna call her from now on. Shelke Welke. Sounds like the name of some retard or something.
"Hello, Yuffie."
Oh sweet Leviathan, I can listen to his voice forever. It's just oh-so-sexy, like the finest whiskey in Tifa's basement – yeah I've tried some; that time when she was out on a date with Spike. But don't tell her; she'd kill me if she knew and then there'd be one less great ninja left…oh look, Vinnie's staring at me like I'm crazy.
What is it with people today anyway, huh? How come it's the Let's Look At Yuffie Like She's Crazy Day and I don't even know it?
Hmph. I'm so not talking to you.
"…I apologize for making you worry, Yuffie." WTF! How did he know what I was thinking?
Wait, did I say that out loud?
"You sure did, Yuffs." Thanks Tifa, for making me feel even worse.
I look away, trying to be haughty. "Who said I was worried, monster man?" I'm sure Shelke Welke has enough worry for the both of us. Gawd, she just looked at me then. What are you looking at, you chicklet who's actually an older chick with voices inside your head? What?! I know Vinnie's got voices as well, but he's hawt enough to pull off that look. You're not, Shelke Welke, so buck off.
"…I apologize, Yuffie." I huff, getting really ticked off. Who wouldn't be? He keeps on apologizing every minute! Gawd, suddenly I'm just so glad I'm not the one who's living with him forever. It's the chicklet. Hahahahaha.
Oh yes, I am evil.
"Will you stop that?" He tilts his head, as if to ask 'stop what'. I roll my eyes. "Stop apologizing, you hobo!"
Whoops! I didn't mean to say that! Vinnie looks really mad right now! Ahhhh, I'd better run for my life before he takes Cerberus out!
"…I apologize, Yuffie." His words bring me to a skidding halt. Now I am really angry. I look at him. His lips look like they want to laugh but can't. Is he laughing at me? The nerve of the vamp! Why the heck am I looking at his lips anyway? Gah!
Whatever, I don't care. He's got his chicklet who's actually an older chick with voices inside her head to snog with in that coffin of his. I'll just flip him off casually like the great ninja I am and walk away.
He won't care anyway.
Gah! I bet Shelke Welke is smirking at me at the moment, along with that dead chick inside her mind.
When Life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat your damn lemons.
&
Gawd, I'm sooooooo bored. I need something to do or I'll burst. Out of boredom. Then there'll be one less great ninja in the world and everyone will mourn.
"I'm goin' to kill that brat!" Or not.
What's the matter with Cid anyway? Gah! All I did was stub out his cancer stick for him. It's gonna kill him one day. He really should be grateful.
"Fuckin' brat! Stop throwin' my smoke into my tea!" Yeah well, couldn't see anything to put out the smoke 'cept his tea.
"Just drink your goddamn tea old man!" Gawd, that feels good. I'm cracking up right now. Cid's face is as red as a tomato, or Vincent's eyes.
Gah! Why the heck am I thinking of that jerk anyway?
Thump!
WTF! "Why did you throw me a freakin' lemon, old man!?" Leviathan knows how much I wanna throw up when I see them. Bleh!
"Just go plant it somewhere and leave my tea alone!" Plant it where? In Vince's home? Gah! Stop thinking about him, Yuffie! Wait –
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. I have the perfect plan.
"You'd better thank me for that, brat."
When Cid gives you lemons, go plant lemon trees in Vincent's home while he's away so that Shelke Welke can't leave.
&
Alrighty, so now I've snuck into Vinnie's scary mansion in Nibelheim and everything's quiet. No sign of Vinnie. I've got the lemon in one hand and a shovel in the other. Still no sign of Vin-vin. That sourpuss. I wonder if he's really in his coffin, snogging with that chicklet who's actually an older chick with voices inside her head. Maybe they're like, making out and suddenly the voices in their heads start talking and coming out and hunting me down for interrupting them and –
Gah! I'll just plant the freakin' lemon in his yard and be gone with it!
Let's see then, this place? Nah, the soil's too soft. Don't want Vince to dig it out so easily. How about here? Nah, too rock-ish. I can't even dig my shovel in. Hmm… this looks nice. Yeah, and it's right beside the hose. Pur-fect. Okay, now to get down and dirty with the soil. Nyuk, nyuk. I love the soil, especially when it's my partner-in-crime.
"…Yuffie?"
"Not now Vince, can't you see I'm busy? I'm trying to plant a lemon tree so that –" Ack! Is that Vinnie I'm talking to?
No! I don't even want to know! It must be the demons inside the mansion, pretending to be Vince. Yeah, so I'll just slink away and come back at a more convenient time –
"Plant…a lemon tree?" Vince sounds confused. No, no. Imposter Vince sounds confused. And amused.
"Don't you dare laugh at me, you pedophile!" Oh my gawd, did I really say that in front of Vinnie?
"…Pedophile?"
Duh. How stupid can you get, Vince? You're making out with a chicklet! In a coffin, no less! "Well what else should I call you, vamp-boy? And why are you out here? Aren't you s'posed to be snogging with your –" Thank Leviathan I stopped my mouth in time. Really, I swear sometimes it has a mind of its own. Now wouldn't that be freaky. Just imagine, me, the great ninja, with a brainy mouth.
"…Lemon…"
"Whrat?!"
Holy Jenova! I've got a freakin' lemon in my mouth! When did I –
Oh right. I stuffed it in to stop myself from talking.
Urk.
I think I'm really gonna throw up this time.
No! Not on Vinnie, you idiot mouth who has a brain!
When Life and Cid give you lemons, better throw them away or you'll choke on them and vomit on Vinnie's shoes.
.the end - for now.