ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD

A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael

There was the first option, the truth, telling Kathleen about that one fateful night. Or the second option, the half-truth, telling Kathleen that Elliot was the sperm donor. Or the third option, the outright lie, a full denial.

If she lied, outright lied to such a direct inquiry about the paternity of her precious babies, she would never be able to live with herself. Until now, she had always been circumspect, evasive, but had not outright lied about it all. And even that had been difficult. Option three would not work.

And Olivia knew that option two would forever damage her relationship with Kathleen, maybe not right away, but eventually, when the truth would come out, Kathleen would forever hold it against Olivia for choosing a misleading half-truth in the face of such a direct inquiry. The truth might damage their relationship for a while, but it wouldn't be insurmountable.

But then again, if Olivia told Kathleen the truth in this moment, that decision would impact not only Olivia but also Elliot, their careers, and Elliot's entire family. She couldn't make that decision for him, not without warning, not without a plan or…

And in that moment, Olivia knew, knew without a doubt, that she had to choose option one, had to tell the truth, because had she told the truth from the beginning, she would not be in this position now, and more lies, more obfuscation, would only lead to more difficult decisions in the future, more heartache, more pain.

Olivia's cheeks briefly contracted, giving the appearance of a fleeting half-smile, as she took in a deep breath that puffed out her rib cage. She exhaled slowly, tilting her head down, eyes closed as she readied herself.

"Kathleen, if you wouldn't mind, they still have another hour or two on their naps, if you could put Owen down, I'll put Via down and we can go back downstairs …" Her tone was at once full of resolve and pleading, compassion and vulnerability.

Kathleen placed the frame back down and retreated into Owen's nursery. She wasn't sure what would happen downstairs, what Olivia would say, but she did appreciate that Olivia wanted to keep it away from the babies. Kathleen had half expected Olivia to just deny it, say that they are best friends, that Elliot is going to play an active role in the twins' lives because that's the kind of best friend he is, and that the picture frame meant nothing more than that. But somehow, she didn't think that's where the conversation would be heading.

Olivia had tucked herself into the couch with a blanket spread across her lap. Kathleen made her way into the living room, paused, and decided on the chair opposite the couch. Grabbing the arms of the chair for support, Kathleen turned to Olivia and asked, "Is Elliot Stabler … did you and my dad … is my dad the father of Owen and Via?"

Kathleen's tone had started off harsh, accusatory, but that fell away to reveal a child-like timidity and fear, the sort that comes with the discovery that Santa and the Easter Bunny aren't real. It broke Olivia's heart. "Yes." Such a simple word, unadorned, unaccompanied by prefatory apologies or niceties. "Yes."

Olivia knew not to say anything more until Kathleen had processed her answer. Kathleen shook her head, trying to ward it all away. "So you two, um, are… I mean, how long has this been…" She wasn't sure quite what she wanted to ask, how much she wanted to know.

"I'll tell you whatever you want to know, but I don't know what that is…"

"How long?" That was the most important question for Kathleen. She needed to know whether Olivia had been in the picture while her parents had still been married.

Olivia knew this, she knew that Kathleen desperately wanted to know that there had been no affair. And Olivia was relieved that in this, she would be able to tell Kathleen what she wanted to hear. "Once. It was once. I was a wreck after what happened with Lizzie, drank too much, and I just… I was wrong."

"So you didn't have an affair before the divorce?" Olivia's evasiveness over the past few months made Kathleen a little wary and in want of clarification.

"Correct." Olivia thought it unnecessary to add that at the time, she had not known about the divorce.

Kathleen frowned slightly, not sure she wanted to pose the next logical question. But she decided to do it anyway. "Did you want to … when you were … when he was still married was there something there?"

"Yes." It came out before Olivia could think about her answer, smooth it into something more acceptable than the unvarnished truth. Kathleen looked slightly shocked at Olivia's response. Olivia bit her lip before continuing, "I felt something for him, yes, but I loved you all, your mom included, too much to do anything. He's a good man. He would never. And I would never want him to."

"So are you two a thing or what?"

"Not really. I don't know. I didn't want to pursue things because of the job and all of you, but then maybe we'll give it a go… It's not easy. I love him, I do, but I have a hard time loving."

Kathleen moved over to the couch and put a comforting hand on Olivia's arm. "I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm not mad about the deception, but I love the twins, and I'm glad they're my siblings. And I can see you've struggled with … with the whole situation. Um, and, um, I know my dad loves you, and I hope you give him a chance. I think, I think we've all known that he's in love with you for a long time."

Tears pooled in the corners of Olivia's eyes, tears she struggled to keep contained. Her nose flared slightly as she opened her eyes wider, trying to dry out the tears. But they fell anyway, in slow steady trickles down her bronzed cheeks. She blinked to clear her vision. "I'm so sorry, so sorry, Kathleen. And I'm so … thankful for your understanding. I just … please forgive me. Please know how much I hated the deception. But with the timing, I just, I just didn't want Lizzy to feel like it was her fault. She's already going through so much."

Suddenly it clicked. Suddenly Kathleen understood. It really had been one time. A time when both Olivia and Elliot were incredibly distraught. A time when Kathleen's entire family had been thrown into disarray by a terrible mental illness. And Kathleen couldn't help but feel appreciative that Olivia cared for, loved the Stabler clan so much that she agonized over what the truth might do to Lizzy. "Thank you. Thank you for … I get it. And I understand. And I think Lizzy is strong enough now to know the truth. We all are."

It was all Olivia could do not to break down in body-racking sobs. Maybe things would be okay. Maybe things would turnout all right.