Hi all! Long time no see, ain't it?! Almost a whole year, just a day shy, wow! I'm REALLLY BAD!!! Now I know you all probably wanna kill me, but I've been having lots of problems and work related stuff. Not to mention writer's block from HELL!!!!

Sorry about that, but I will try to update until I finish this story. As it is one of my favorites and I have a dream of finishing at least one on this site someday soon, LOL!!! Well anyway, I hope you enjoy this newest update...Which I must admit is rather long, even for me. But I hope you all enjoy it and indulge me with a review or two, because another dream of mine is to have at least 100 reviews on a story. Well enough with me and on with the fic.

I looked down a long, empty hallway. No one was around, and at the moment it couldn't have been more perfect. So, in a nutshell, all the better for me. In all honesty, I didn't mean to storm off like a toddler in the midst of a tantrum. But I couldn't deal anymore with Alice's flaky, Why's and What if's right now. Upon wishing that Japan would experience one of it's famous world-shattering earthquakes and swallow me whole, instead was met with a familiar exit. Upon seeing that, I knew my unintentional prayers had been answered.

I ascended the concrete stairwell; the loud clop, clopping of my now regrettable shoe choice echoing like dinner-plate sized Clydesdale hooves in sensitive eardrums. On what I knew from past experience was one of the quickest routes to the roof. Which if a clever someone could play their cards right and access it, would be assured almost unlimited privacy. Something I craved desperately at the moment.

With far superior senses it was no challenge to pick the lock as I had done in not-so-distant times past, promptly pushing open the door, which lead to an enclosed rooftop. But still outside none-the-less, I wasn't picky at that point. And certainly not disappointed upon detecting no presence but my own amongst the playful wind and enclosing skyline (at least for the moment).

As I gazed into the far eastern horizon dotted sparingly here and there with small stars that were somehow plucky enough to manage to shine through not only the years of inevitable pollution from industrial progress. But also the day-like glare from some of the biggest electrical grids on the planet that at the same time were powerful enough to get complaints from the darkside of Pluto. They shone like a sea of multicolored stars in their own right. Whilst pondering upon these strange little idiosyncrasies of life in general, I happily mused about honeymoon destinations.

Morracco…maybe? I'd always loved the ethnic outdoor bazaars. Hawaii or Hong Kong, they tied in second. I was crazy about the both the friendly people and the great food...or there was always the possibility of going on that Victorian-style European "Grand Tour," Gackt had always wanted to do as a throwback to his Mizer days, decisions decisions...Hmmm.

Reaching into my jacket I rooted around in the inner pockets for a moment, my inner me gave a possessive little thrill when I finally pulled out my prize. Don't ask me why I started, but in my own defense I only do it when I'm really stressed out. Like now. I was about two soothing puffs into a Baha and actually feeling somewhat mellow with the world. When I was bombarded with agitation, anticipation, exhilaration....emotions from all directions. But all with two things in common.

One: they weren't mine.

And two: I wasn't alone anymore.

I hated it when he did that, like when he used to go sneaking around into my bedroom at all hours just to watch me sleep. It might have been in the name of love and in homage of eternal teenage hormones at the time. But had also secretly irked me royally no end, and was still breaking and entering no matter how you sliced it. Not to mention, it was seriously creepy!

Honestly, I never knew where life was going to take me. I just usually shut up and hung on for a wild ride. Now, I finally call the shots learning sometimes you have to get off take the bull by the horns and shake it up for all its worth. Apparently, even life can learn a lesson in rare cases.

I thought instantly of an old Islamic proverb I'd once heard years ago in a bustling market coffeehouse in Cairo, Egypt. 'When Mohammad won't go to the mountain, so the mountain shall come to Mohammad.'

Edward however, looked at me surprise flitting across his pale features as he emerged from the shadows. I took another drag off my cigarette, casually flicked the ash onto the heads of the unfortunates below and said nothing,

"You smoke?" He asked in disbelief. "Why the he..." I held up a quick hand.

"Don't." I said wearily. "Spare me the Big Brother rhetoric. And if you start spitting out what the Government taught you over the last thirty years about "Big Tobacco" and how any other point of view is a "thought" crime. I will hurt you because it's not like this will kill me anyway." I held up the smoldering white stick to emphasize my point.

Making out his somber countenance in the semi-darkness, a silhouette against the brightness of the pearl-like moon almost directly above us. It lit the small space up like mid-afternoon on a summer day. It would have been a perfect romantic backdrop when we were younger, now even though we were only a few feet apart. There seemed to be a chasm wider than the ocean that originally separated us along with the years. We gazed at each other, each studying the other thoughtfully trying to find the changes that the past twenty years had marked us with. Which was harder than it looked, because seeing as how we don't age you have to have clever eyes and a sharp mind to pick out anything. Both most and first changes are the obvious ones, taste in clothes, hair and such those I had in more spades than a Blackjack table in Monte Carlo.

Edward's soldering topaz eyes flickered wildly about like a candle flame caught in a backdraft, taking my image all in like a fine aged wine. Slowly up and down, once, twice and three times. As if he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing, even though he had always been good at keeping his emotions corked up in an emotional wine bottle. Much better than Jasper, I might add. It seemed that the last couple of decades hadn't been kind to him in that aspect. For the perfect impregnable fortress he'd built up around his inner self for the last century had cracked in places thus making him wear said emotions obviously, like a cheap flannel patch on a silk shirt.

And I could see it all blazing like a garish neon sign over his head, but still said nothing. If he wanted to know something, I wasn't going to volunteer the information. Let him ask for it.

That he did. He caught my curious golden gaze, looked at me straight in the eye and asked.

"Why Bella?"

The cigarette almost fell out of my mouth at that, I must have looked like an owl. All I really wanted to do was to smack something, hard. Namely him upside the head for trying to reinstate the Alice's Twenty Questions game. Or ultimately myself in the forehead in sheer frustration. Oh well, if fate had decreed that I wasn't going to get out of this. Then by all that was holy, the ball was going to stay in my court regardless.

Either way, I leaned back on the railing pinning him with a slightly sarcastic look trying to regain my dignity. "Why is the sky blue?....Why is the grass green?...Why can't you string a coherent sentence together? Come on Edward, you should know that solitary word covers alot of ground."

Edward seemed almost flabbergasted at my grumpy tone of voice, he seemed to think this situation was more serious than it was. And definitely reflected it back to me by what he said next.

"You are right there are a lot of "why" questions I'd like to ask pertaining to you. But right now I'll start with the one foremost on my mind. Why aren't you dead?"

I almost snorted at that, silently praying he hadn't any deeper leaves of his senses than what I currently saw. Instead, I responded lightly sarcastic.

"I am, in case you've missed the fact I haven't aged in two decades."

He ignored me and continued. "No, Alice had a vision of you commiting suicide." He seemed to spit out the word like it left a really foul aftertaste in his mouth. Probably did, most likely. "We saw you, going over a cliff!"

Suddenly reality dawned in the dark little corridors of my distant past, and unearthed a memory that I hadn't brought to light in literally over the twenty years mark I'd been a vampire. A single event that I guess you could say was truly the turning point to who I was now.

"You saw that, huh? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. As much as I love Alice, sometimes I really just wish I could just poke out that inner eye of hers with a hot poker and be done with it." I said sighing contemplatively, discarding the spent butt before I lit up another cigarette. Edward flashed me a disgusted look, from my smoking or the comment I wasn't sure. Either way, I ignored it.

"How could you say that? That 'gift' has saved your life several times in the past, or have you neglected to remember that?" He demanded, growling from the back of his throat, like he was trying to cage the rage in.

I cocked a perfectly plucked brow. "No, I haven't. But I have my reasons especially because it's usually aimed after me. If you want to know the answer to your first question, you'll have to take a few steps backward to what happened after you left me."

I saw him wince and back down a little at that statement. I tried to keep my grin as inconspicuous as possible - which was completely impossible - so I ended up smirking. But honestly, it wasn't ment to be a hurtful sentence, merely a statement of fact as I knew it.

Like I said, I have nothing against Alice personally, but sometimes I really did wish that. Despite as much as it helps, I'm not sorry to say when it comes to me and my coveted privacy. I do wish it would just 'bugger off'! Because that stupid psychic radar of hers seems to be especially sensitive in that area. What with my past emotional connection both to Edward and Alice's overall fondness for me right from the start that borders upon the downright fanatical.

It's a two-sided deal, in more ways than one. Alice is like a universal antenna, and Edward is the TV it's connected to. When she gets tuned into the right wavelength, so to speak he's the news anchor who relays it to the others while Alice recovers from getting drop-kicked back into reality AKA: Her Body. Which during that one time earlier this week was probably the one time in her long life really happened, courtesy of yours truly. I'm not sorry to say, though I try not to be vindictive, I totally enjoyed doing it. If it hadn't been for her, I'd still be sitting pretty, happy and free at the top of my little world. Not running all over hither and yonder trying to avoid a stupid game of 'Cat and Mouse' from my ex-boyfriend of all people.

Which in all times that I'd been mentally running through this little meeting in the last few years or so, I'd gone through many different scenarios. But none started out quite like this though, and I was only too happy to ablidge the new opportunity.

"You wanna know what happened. Fine, I'll spill. After that night, I wasn't the same." I stated through a thoughtful half-lidded gaze. "It was like a hole had been ripped in my chest, I didn't know how to live anymore. I spent the next four months; yes count them F-O-U-R." I held up my fingers wiggling them to show my point, dramatically twirling my smoking stick like a laser pointer.

"In and out of the 'funny farm wing' of the hospital for tests part of the time, while the rest of time was spent in front of the window in a rocking chair ignoring my parent's assine attempts to get me to snap out of it. My drama teacher back in Arizona would have been proud, because I'll let you in on a little secret. They thought I was catatonic, please..." I rolled my eyes at the thought of it all. "I was faking it."

Edward who up until that time seemed to be pained at this startling new information. Let out a surprised gasp, his eyes wide as his perfectly sculpted eyebrows shot clear to his bronze hairline. It was clear he didn't believe me. "You didn't?!"

I grinned, hands on hips in a defiant pose. "I did." I boasted gleefully, totally unabashed and delighted to finally have someone outside my inner circle be privy to one of my greatest secrets. At this point, I'd even settle for Edward indiscriminately. I shrugged. "Truthfully, I just wanted to be left alone. I needed time to think and everyone wasn't giving me my own air space."

My companion who was starting to weave a precarious mental moral web, I could see he really wanted to chew me out for doing that to my poor family and the townsfolk alike. When it was explained why I had done as I did, he seemed to accept it as much as he could. Despite his initial reluctance, he could sense it was the truth none the less. He was probably doing the "own space" thing in Alaska most likely, and knowing how Forks was. He couldn't condemn me for resorting to extremes against the people who could totally 'kill with kindness' in every sense of the word.

"You know," I continued honestly, lazily circling around Edward like a humanoid cat leaving airy, grey rings in my wake. "I played the twenty questions game in my head a lot back then. I looked back on everything over and over in my mind; time and again I broke everything down, looked at it from every possible angle. Then would piece it back together again, sometimes I'd even break it again just to see if I'd thought I'd missed something. But in all that time, I was never able to find the one BIG elusive sixty-four thousand dollar question, that one tangible thing I could grasp in my hands, that could not only answer itself. But could also make everything else I couldn't get until that moment like a puzzle would magically fall into place, now that I had the piece."

"Finally I couldn't take it anymore. So one night when Ol' Charlie was performing the entire "One-Man Buzzsaw Symphony in D-minor, I might add. I slipped out of the house, got on the old logging trails behind the house and went up to the bluffs, I paid a visit to 'Mermaid's Peak.'" There I paused for effect taking a drag, and it got the intended result.

He stiffened once again. Then looked at me perfectly fish-style agape. I could just hear his thoughts screaming that this couldn't be happening. That my confession had to be some kind of a joke, only it wasn't. Mermaid's Peak wasn't anything to joke about, especially in Forks. Oh sure, in the daytime the view from the place was nothing short of spectacular and you could see for miles on a clear day. But the place had a more ominous reputation from the sailing ships that had once come up the coast in the days when Forks was still one of the premiere boom lumber towns. One of the tallest cliffs in the state, the choppy water combined with the chill wind that constantly blows in from the sea and across the jagged stones below. The result is a kind of eerie, humanlike moaning or melancholy sighing depending on who you're asking at the time.

According to legend, the voice belongs to a mermaid at least according to what Jacob told me. Who for centuries has been looking for her Indian lover, lost in some long-forgotten war against the white men when their sacred lands were invaded. Supposedly her grief was so great, and she cried so many salt tears into the sea her once warm heart became stone with the rest of her body soon following. Now aside from the occasional fetish Halloween dare, it's a place most associated with suicides. Female ones. The sounds combined with less oxygen being so far above sea-level creates a vertigo effect that can drive a soul already hounded by grief, or a heart broken with sorrow to sink further into madness. Then seek to end it all in one final breath of relief to live forever at the bottom of the sea cared for by her and a multitude of those poor souls who had literally gone before.

Ergo, Mermaid's Peak. Poetic way to go, huh?

I don't know if it's true or not, I certainly didn't see her. But up there with nothing but my thoughts, and my vision blinded by hot tears. Honestly, I had felt something pushing me back making me want to live. Freaky, huh?

Perhaps, it was her. Maybe it was her own will to live and persevere on in endless eternity, coupled with a reluctance to see a true kindred soul sacrifice herself for all the wrong reasons. After all, we were in somewhat of a same situation; both of us were heartbroken women. One immortal, her human mate slain by forces beyond her control. The other human, whose immortal lover had abandoned her out of some misguided sense of selfish chivalry. Whatever way you look at it, unlike the majority. I lived to tell my tale and truly lived to find the elusive true love for eternity. I mean first there was Edward, Jacob (in a weird way) and then finally Gackt.

In other words, if it truly was that elusive sea-maiden. I personally, I think she knew that I loved the idea of being in love with Edward and being 'with' him, rather than the actual 'in love' part even before I did. So maybe it was partly concern for my welfare mixed with a revenge/justice thing against the male species in general.

I kept my head on in more ways than one and learned to differentiate between the BS of that first bout of hormonal puppy love everyone gets at least once in their lives. From the real 'can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-world-series-kinda-thing,' as my godson once so charmingly put it. While I wouldn't put it in so many words, I guess you could say it describes the basics of where I'm coming from. Because I learned the real meaning of, "Third times the charm."

Then without warning, I bounded away from Edward up onto the railing throwing my arms out wide. Like Rose did in that classic scene in Titanic, when she was pretending she could fly on the ship's bow. Only I chose to welcome a few friendly air spirits that only I could see and hear (One of my other neat little 'abilites', but I'll get into further detail later, promise.), they blew up from the street and about me combing their reed-thin fingers though my hair, tracing arcane patterns on my pale skin. They chattered on and on happily about all the things they'd seen and done since when we'd last met. I almost laughed euphorically, only it was quickly over as soon as it started when Edward made a high-pitched squeaky sound like he'd sucked in half a tank of helium.

"Stay where you are." I commanded, without looking, simply feeling him comply with total obedience. I felt his muscles and body go totally slack once again from where he had crouched trying to 'protect' me from myself apparently, he made a sound of intense protest. But unlike earlier, this time I didn't want him moving (including his mouth) unless it was for my own reasons. "Sorry Edward, for the moment I'd just like you to sit quietly and listen, m'kay?!"

I sent my little friends off with a silent promise to play at a later time. That was one thing I completely loved about Japan. The spirits were as polite and even more numerous as the people, and in any event defiantely more than understanding. I looked back only Edward's eyes were able to move and they conveyed, well let's just say, contrary to his feelings for me, I wasn't the most popular person in them at the moment.

"As I was saying," I continued in a low octave that somehow managed to sound mysterious. "I almost got up to the very top of the Peak, I just stared out into nothing for I don't know how long literally staring down the Grim Reaper in the eye. Up there, I realised something aside from the fact I wanted to live. Simply because I'd never really lived in the first place." Looking back I saw a question forming in Edward's eyes, you didn't have to be Einstien to figure it out. If I hadn't jumped, how did Alice see me falling over the cliff. That was answered easily enough, though I was kind of embarassed to admit it.

"I tripped." I replied simply, coloring a bit at the cheeks. My hold over him loosening just a smidge enough momentarily to allow him to contort a few muscles and make a face of complete disbelief.

"Weither you believe it or not, it's all true." I bit back incrediously, jabbing an accusing finger into a perfect nose. Before crossing my arms defiantly. "I didn't have night vision back then, and you try getting around in the dense backwoods toting a crappy army surplus flashlight with a battery pack the size of a trash can coupled with the weight of a anvil. When I decided to go back, I had turned it off then ended up forgetting where I'd put it. I backtracked somehow ended up behind it, then I tripped over it and I landed in a sinkhole that turned out to be an old firepit. In other words, I fell in the direction of the cliff. If you were standing at an angle behind me in the vision, it would have created an optical illusion that made you think, I'd gone over. If you still don't believe me, ask yourself this. How could I still be in one piece if, I had done that. Because you know as well as I, they'd have never found a body. Not without a miracle anyway."

Feeling that I had finally made my point, I let Edward loose. He sagged for a moment as he once again got used to the feeling of having his muscles really be under his own power again. He flexed a few times and got his body back in order.

"Thanks." He muttered darkly, dusting off his sleeve. I just nodded in passing.

"Bella?" He piped up, yet again.

"Yeah." I replied.

"I hope you have some good answers." He said gently.

"For what?" I asked curiously, meeting his eye.

"Well, now that I have my voice back I have some terrific questions." He looked me square in the eye, deadly serious. All the tension between us hung thick in the air holding its breath waiting for him to speak his mind.

"Why are you doing this?" He demanded harshly. "To all of us…to me? (That made me inwardly cringe at the high opinion he still considered himself to be in.)You're a stranger in an even stranger land…"

I cut him off, I couldn't resist teasing him. "Is this all because you couldn't eat with chopsticks this afternoon? Because all you have to do is read the package and hold them like so…" I demonstrated with my cigarette.

"Be serious for once!" He snapped. That got my undivided attention, not many people had the guts to talk to me like that. "What could that guy possibly offer you that you'd follow him and risk being found out for what you are in a strange country?"

Of all the assine questions to ask, Edward had probably asked me what he thought was the hardest to answer. When for me it was in fact, the easiest. So I figured it was easier to let my actions speak louder than my words and let my fingers do just that. That and wanting to broaden Edward's narrow field of vision I pointed over the railing and off into the chaotic night.

He followed my finger then again made the sound like he'd sucked in the other half of that helium tank. I wondered in passing if he'd ultimately try to blame it on a frog in his throat. I watched intently, as he stiffened like a board and a collective mix of emotions washed over his face, struggling as if to make a decision upon just one.

For there lighting up the Ginza Skyline on a no less than a ten story high billboard, was an advertisement for a new movie a small spin-off of a popular daytime drama set to premiere in a few short days. The two main characters were the historical Samuari Usegi Kenshin and the Goddess Shirahime-Soryo, otherwise known in her much-beloved fairytale, The Shining Princess. Which was what her full name translated as and was also the name of the movie, a re-written more in-depth spin on an old classic you could say.

When in an attempt to give a boost to flagging daytime T.V. ratings, it was suggested that one or more of their more popular shows have a little bit of a "western" feel to it. I honestly don't know why it was decided to punt a 'gods vs. humans' angle on it. But the live-action historical drama that Gackt has played in for a while now that had an anime based on it was selected for the inital test run (or be a guiena-pig depending on whom you ask).

Somehow, I got pushed to the forefront of the auditionees. I didn't really want to go, but Gackt and Hyde dragged me to it anyway so there was no time to put on any proper make-up at home that day. It ended up being a semi-dress occasion on an actual Shinto temple being used for a set. I think that the costume girls and make-up artists (unlike the other girls) just dressed me up to the hilt as they did as a joke or maybe minor professional revenge. (A lot of people, female and male, are still a little miffed that Gackt's off the market now.)

Either way, despite the natural cat/ballet grace all vampires seem to be blessed with I nearly fell flat on my face coming out of the trailer they stuck me in. From the twelve layered kimono, to the veiled headdress, even the make up on my face combined felt like they weighed eight hundred pounds.

Despite a few hang-ups, and I mean that in every possible way, shape and form because of that damn costume getting into the place (and up a few stairs to boot, ugh!). And no outside help whatsoever!!! The time-honored excercise monologue, No pain, no gain worked in my favor.

Because our personal chemistry was as apparent onscreen as it was off, even more so actually if one knows how to milk the recording equipment. The scene that was filmed was emotionally charged (both scripted and not) when Kenshin/Gackt is despondent and abandoned by both man and the vast pantheon of Shinto deities, except one.

Me.

In short, Usegi Kenshin got a patron deity, and I got my first regular spot on Japanese daytime TV. How's that for a single day's work?

A larger than life "couple's pose" of Gackt and myself in a desperate embrace stared right back almost defiantly to Edward and I on Portal to Hell's roof a few blocks over.

Which despite being a so-called "gaijin," aside of my singing/modeling career it had been only the latest in a string of Japanese movies and Asian television apparences. I had proved to be immensely popular in all levels of conservative Japanese society, also being one of the few I had actually done with my fiancee. The international network of TV stations and broadcasters, I had on good authority were happily spinning a new angle on it's debut due to our engagement. As well as a possible promotional tour for a DVD, if it proved to be as popular as they were expecting it to be.

"If we fight, we fight together. If fate decrees, let us die in each other's arms. I swear to never leave your side even after my final breath." I recited dramatically from memory, knowing I was violating at least a dozen studio copyright and secrecy policies in the process.

"And what the hell does that mean?" Edward demanded seemingly catching my double-indenture.

He went from green eyed to red faced, now his clenched knuckles and jaw were turning ash white. I didn't know vampires could turn so many colors. Hmmm....you learn something new everyday.

"It's your answer, filed under the List of: Things You Never Did." I pointed out. "Number one being: Even when I gave you every reason in the world, even risking my own life to do so. You still never trusted me, and never would have. Simply, because I was human. Gackt does. In fact, our situations were reversed. I was the vampire and he was the human!"

"I'm a predator!" Edward growled in reply, "I had to literally fight myself in between feelings of wanting to both kiss you and kill you! You cannot blame me for something that was my natural instinct, in the first place. In fact, I doubt you even could have handled the sheer ferocity of it alone."

"Oh ye of little faith." I complained lightly.

Edward once again confirming that my overall decision to leave the United States and head for Japan with my fiancée, was definitely the correct one. He had so little faith in me even when I was human, but to think that I, now a vampire like he. Would come back to him with nary a thought to the life I had made for myself here in Japan and all the blood sweat and tears, metaphorically speaking I had shed in doing so for two decades. He was so sorely mistaken!

"In fact, honestly Bella… Even to this day there has not been even one moment that is gone by that I haven't cursed the fact that I let you go." Edwards replied quietly.

Now was my turn to be knocked flat on my ass, I didn't know whether to be astonished or disgusted. Because I couldn't believe what I had heard and thought Edward had said, maybe I heard it wrong. But one look told at all…

Oh yes he had!

"You're already on Gackt's "shit-list," and I don't think you want to kiss your own ass when he turns you inside out." I cut him off, in a tone that was still light and friendly, but had an edge that completely dubbed the statement "non-negotiable."

"You don't seem to be aware he's legendary? One with a horrible temper, and an even worse protective streak! One that makes you look like a kitten batting at a tiger."

I growled at him, waving my cigarette around like a lethal weapon. Dammit! I swear that that this guy lives in his own little world of delusion. But either way my outburst seemed to have quieted Edward for a time, like he didn't know quite what to make of my newfound confidence

I nodded in contemplation and remained silent for a while longer. Edward's voice was still hesitant when he broke the silence again; he came closer to me and I could faintly smell his unique scent under all the nighttime smells. His pale lips came closer to mine and suddenly it was as if he was trying to do a lame impression of a medieval troubadour. I realized he was trying to turn my own tactics against me, cute! But it was going to take a lot more than that to ruffle my feathers.

"Before you, my life was a moonless night. Very dark, but there were still stars. The point of light and reason and then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything was black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything."

The words themselves were ment to be reassuring, but the way they were said was a whole different story altogether. Actually it sounded like if he were reciting words from a trashy supermarket romance novel.

The end of my last nerve was wearing thin, Edward wasn't a good enough actor to give me the run-around.

In that instant with the utterance of a few choice phrases, I'd been kicked right back to square one. I groaned, my shoulders slumping to ultimately clunk my forehead on the railing or puke over it. I was still debating, it was too disgusting to think about. And I wasn't trying to be mean, nobody but me seemed to realize.

He was still a little boy in many ways, inexperienced, hesitant to follow his heart, and endearingly gentle as if he might break me. I had long-ago realized when I had sat back and really picked apart what I knew about his character, despite the pedestal I had placed him upon. There was still very much that he didn't know about the world, though he had walked in it's miry depths since his rebirth. Life was simple for him; he was merely content with the hand he'd been dealt, only took as much as he needed, which while noble sounding was pitifully little. Pardon the bad pun, but he didn't know how to 'live'. After all this time, he could still not understand that I am not the same.

I have emotions, feelings and urges. For example, though I don't need human food to survive. I adore getting large Mocha McCafes at McDonalds, with whole milk, with both extrawhip cream and chocolate topping whenever I can. I love Volks dolls from Tenshi no Sato and buying any and all accessories I can lay my hands on. I sometimes literally whine at waiting in the midst of rush hour traffic to anyone who is unfortunately stuck in the same cramped space with me at the time. I often do naughty things in weirder places when Gackt looks at me, "that way". (I won't elaborate further, but I'm sure that needs nothing further in explaination.)

All in all, I have and do currently love my celebrity life on this "tiny island nation" as the Japanese endearlingly call this beautiful land, while that might seem very selfish to some to have in general in the first place. But hey, don't we all have them, nobody's that high-and-mighty underneath the underneath. The only real differance is that I choose to either aknowledge or disgard them according to both my moral values, feelings of others and momentary desires of a given situtation.

Yes, I'll be the first to admit. The world was and is a majorly crappy place and the life you have therein isn't necessarily garunteed to be fair. However, what people like Edward usually tend to forget that itty-bitty little thing that's been the cause of every war, battle or skermish baught and paid for in blood since the dawn of time called, free will.

A thing so small, but packed with so much potentional for good or ill depending on how it's used.

As simple as blowing out candles on a birthday cake, the gaily wrapped present you recieve afterward. And inside...Surprise! You get a choice! On anything and everything you could ever want! In other words, you can sit around for eternity and whine about how the world is out to get you and one's supposed inner beast....cough!...Edward!...cough! Or you can get off your inflated duff and actually work to go about changing your circumstances.

I thought of how he must be thinking of how Gackt had supposedly 'ruined' me. Ha! I was not going to be any part of this pity party, he could wander his complicated world of bitter dreams with a hardened heart, alone!

If any other man had spoken to me like Edward did, they'd have been force-fed a knuckle sandwich that not only would have broken teeth but several feet of concrete and steel behind them. Yet my temper gave Gackt a free pass everytime, only increasing my frustration with him sometimes. I could never be angry at him for long. It was a terrible weakness on my part. When I did lash out at him, it was always playful. Really hurting him was impossible for me to do another terrible weakness on my part. But a pleasurable one, none the less.

However, Gackt respected me both first as a woman and then as a vampire, honoring my observations, ideas, opinions and advice alike when I freely gave or he asked for them. Weither he agreed with them or not. In other words, encouraging me to be myself. Unlike Edward, who was still clinging to a shadow of my submissive former self that didn't exist anymore. He'd argue till his pasty skin was blue in the face trying to convince me that 'he' was right. I almost rolled my eyes at that. Typical.

Once I was directly in front of him, Edward froze a bit when he saw the expression on my face and that I knew that I was postively ashen, even for a vamp.

"Bella?!" He asked, with great concern and tried to put his hands upon my face. Where I could clearly see him discreetly trying to go manipulating me into position to plant a 'sweet one' on the lips, just like he used to when I was human.

The split second I realised that. Any kind of pity, sympathy, or any other positive emotion that was still reserved for Edward Anthony Cullen vanished from my mind like a wisp of candle smoke in the wind. I saw only a foolish romantic dreamer, a fop, if you will. One that had walked into the gaping jaws of danger and had done so needlessly. Couldn't he take a hint? Answer: Obviously not. And I wasn't in a forgiving mood.

I could tell he wanted to say something more, but his eyes suddenly lost focus and he went flying, ass over teakettle into a stupor onto the pavement. From my now higher position over his prone form, my fist still clenched. I had delivered one nasty right hook to the area of the head, no where near what I was actually capable of, mind you. However it was just enough that he'd be feeling the sting of his transgression tomarrow morning, and several thereafter if I was lucky.

This was the second time in the span of a few days, it was questionable weither he would suffer brain damage. Then again, there was probably no greater damage to make than the one already genetically present.

I could see that now he wasn't as passive as before. The large purple welt the size of a half-grapefruit in the shape of my knuckles upon his temple spoke volumes of just how effectively I'd rung his bell. Eyes spoke leagues for him - I could see a clearly noticable amount of anxiety, surprise and...fear.

"What don't you get, Edward?!" I growled. "How many times in how many ways do I have to explain this to what's left of your feeble brain? I. Don't. Want. You. Anymore."

"I didn't want to say this to you because I still considered you as family, but no more. When you left me, I was hurt but I eventually got over it a long, long, long time ago. And when I saw you again, I actually wanted to Thank you for leaving me. Because it made me realize I needed to grow up. Honestly, people live, they learn, they move on! And you need to seriously reread the memo."

One of the few practical pieces of advice that Renee had ever given me was this. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and sometimes it is nessecery to give a stupid or misinformed beholder. A black eye."

Not exactly subtle mind you, but she did have a point. Though I don't know that Edward techinally qualified as one of those kind of peoplein my book, me either to tell the truth. However sometimes you had to take what you can get within the circumstances.

And it is most definitely, tried and true. However what was Edward expecting me to say? That I would run and embrace him with open arms...say "I love you," and "all is forgiven." Please! That was nothing more than a demented fantasy begging in agony to be reality, he was still in the mode that life was one big doom-and-gloom bittersweet musical. Where at the end we'd bury our problems, shake the whole thing off, and go riding off into the sunset back to America, hand in hand like some cheezy Clint Eastwood film of Charlie's. If I cooperated that is. Which he seemed to have no doubt that I would, like a tame little lap dog on a leash, with him holding the chain the whole way.

Well the Pied Piper had another thing coming, I knew music. Long honed from a quiet world of solitude and creativity surrounding me. He might sing the pretty tune of a spoiled child, but there was no way I'd dance to it. Again, I say I'd gotten over licking my shallow emotional flesh wounds a long, long time ago.

There is an Oscar Wilde quote about looking on with a heart of stone upon the one which you loved in your youth, espacially at the hair you madly worshipped and wildly kissed. Quote, unquote.

I was living that this moment!

It was to be expected, after the end of the end of the world, only twinkies, cockroaches (Gackt's arch-nemesis) and fops would survive. I'm absolutely positive that it's going to be a biological fact.

Finally giving him one last look that wished him another (only this time around much more painful) death, I turned heel and stalked back into the club.

Like it, hate it? Click the pretty purple button and let me know. PLEASE PLEASE....(bow)Thanks!!!