Ever since we were born, ever since we existed, we belonged to each other. The world was ours, there was noone but us in it. Somehow I feel guilty now, thinking about all the stuff we've done so far. There is this feeling of tasting the forbidden fruit. But how, how could we ever overcome such a loneliness without being there for each other? There's a hidden meaning to being twins. We're not just brothers. We are twins. We always know who the other one is but people see us the same. They mix up our names and call us the same, they cannot see a single difference between us. They don't understand at all, we could say. We fool them and play stupid games with them. Why is it that we always feel superior to them? I can't say. The truth is, noone has ever been able to enter our world. It is ours alone and we don't share. Why?
Maybe we're getting scared. Scared of not being able to approach each other anymore, scared of not being loved and not being able to love. Tell me, is there a meaning to love? Or is it just a simple feeling that fades away with time? You cannot tell me it's just a desire to reproduce. I love my own brother, my twin brother who has always been with me. I get petrified every moment he goes away, every single moment he smiles for someone else. Why can't I have him just for myself? I want all of him, his smiles, his tears, his body, his soul, his tender voice whispering my name, his sweet tongue and cherry lips.
Every man in love knows the feeling of lust. It is a sin, one of those seven deadly sins. So is it that wrong to love? Is it that wrong to be desperate? Maybe it is, for us. People look at us in a weird way. They turn away from us, maybe they fear us and think they'll become like us. It hurts. But, in a way, it's pleasant. That way I know noone is looking at him.
There was this dream one night, a dream of not being able to do anything. But somehow, I had to thank it afterwards…
He was looking at me, his long lashes crowning his eyes, his lips moving silently so they tempted me to taste them. I closed my eyes and smelled. There was this sweet and hot scent I loved so much. He hummed a little. Even though he was always less mature than I and kind of submissive, his voice was lower than mine, like it was supposed to be the other way - me, being the child and obeing the other one. But I am possessive. He is the dreamer, I, insted of dreaming, act. I pull his hand so he gets closer to me, I block his way and I imprison him with my body and my lips. I make him call my name in that beautiful low voice.
Kaoru, he says softly. I like the way he says my name. It's not like others say it. That word is full of floating emotions, of unfullfilled love waiting to be done somehow. But this time, he did not say it.
I begged for it inside my mind. I put my hand in his silky red hair, caressing it a little, waiting for things to happen. He moved away. It was unbearable. I could not stand the longing but I didn't do anything. I would never dare hurt him. Should he be hurt, I'd just die for him. There was no substitute - noone but him in this world. The feeling of the touch of that silky hair of his stopped. His scent faded away slowly and I was still sitting there with my eyes closed, waiting for him to take an action.
There was a sudden feeling of loneliness, a deep cold feeling, unpleasantly spreading through my body. I opened my eyes and looked in front of me. There was nothing. I looked up and saw a figure, slowly walking away. He did not call my name or tell me anything. He just walked away, probably seeing an image of someone else in front of him.
I stood up and ran after him. I was running as fast as I could, barely breathing. He was still walking so slowly and calmly but for an unknown reason I just couldn't catch up with him.
Wait, wait for me! I cried. But he would not stop, would not look back at me, would not even hesitate. Even though I was the one always being on top of him, I was the one walking forward and making moves, he was the first to make this decision. It was reasonable and rational. I wonder if I just can't get rational when it comes to him. I want him to be there. Maybe he wanted me to realize that a lover doesn't mean an owner. I cannot take his life and make it mine without his permission. But I want it so badly. And still, he was a step ahead of me.
Desperately, I cried his name.
Hikaru!
He did not hear it. He was already so far away, I knew I was losing him. I still ran and ran, then stopped breathing and fell down to the mud. It was over. The image of him walking forward slowly faded away, leaving behind traces of his footsteps and a deep wound in my heart. I watched the horizon, red with the setting sun, and felt like melting into it. I cried his name again, over and over, knowing he couldn't hear me anymore. Then, there was silence.
A soft low voice waked me. There was the lovely sound of my name, someone was whispering Kaoru into my ear. I opened my eyes and found myself lying on my bed, bathing in my sweat, and above me I saw the face of the one I loved, watching me in surprise, trying to comfort me a little. His face went down and I felt his lips slightly touching my forehead.
And then I cried. My tears were flowing, making creeks on my face and giving me this wet but releived feeling. He was still here, watching me and smiling for me. He looked at me softly, placed a few tender kisses on my face and caressing my hair. I pulled him down, embraced him tightly and couldn't let go. Somewhere in my heart was born a thought of an everlasting love and neverending moments like this.
„It's ok," he kept repeating. „I'm here."
He always knew what to say. And he knew that despite looking so strong, I was always the one being protected, the one being weaker. I felt embarrassed. I was like an adult being protected by a child. It was always this way. The only truth to us is that we were never the same. There was a difference deeper than the universe between us. And still, people could not see that we were desperately trying to be close. Why is it that the closer people look, the further they are?
„You had a nightmare," he said to my shirt, still curled up in my embrace. „But it was just a dream. I chased it away."
I knew. But I also knew that one day, it will have to become a reality. I will have to say farewell to those distant and at the same time very close looks of his, to his touch and to that warm feeling of being with him. Some day, he will have to live his life and I will have to live mine. And then our world will melt and there will be but a memory. But that's what I live for. For me, there's no farewell. I won't let go.
Hitachiin Kaoru