Definition: Life

Chapter 11: Explained

Warui-Usagi

x x x

'Promise me you'll always remember:

You're braver than you believe,

And stronger than you seem,

And smarter than you think.'

-A.A Milne – "Winnie the Pooh"

x x x

Melanie made her way further into the room, dumped her dirty backpack against my dresser and knelt down next to me, a huge smile plastered on her face. I noticed that she kept her head slightly forward; kept her hair—which was now well past chin length—in front of her face. Trying to avoid any direct contact with light, I guessed.

"How have you been?" she asked me politely in a perfect Soul voice. She sounded concerned, but not unduly so. "I couldn't believe what happened. I thought I'd lost you." She leaned forward and hugged me tightly. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time I was so overjoyed.

"I'm so happy you're safe," I whispered against her cheek. She stiffened in response, clearly upset, and I wondered how I could have upset her.

"Well then, I'll just leave you two alone," Cloud Spinner said gently. She sounded more than a little relieved, and I couldn't think why.

"Thank you," Melanie called, just as the door clicked shut.

And then she was grabbing my shoulders and pushing me back out of her arms so she could glare at me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she hissed, shaking me a little. "Do you have any idea what we've all been going through trying to find you? And you're just sitting around playing house!"

It had been awhile since I'd been exposed to the heat of another person's anger—I'd been amongst my own kind for so what seemed like such a long time now; Souls were so rarely angry. It left me stunned for a minute, and then I could feel my own starting to force its way to the surface, felt my eyes narrowing in response. She was here, surrounded by Souls, in the most dangerous situation possible, and she was lecturing me about trying to save her life? If she was caught, it would all be for nothing!

"I could ask you the same question," I said, following her queue and keeping my voice low. "Why are you here? Do you have any idea how reckless this is! I hope you didn't bring Jamie with you!"

"Of course I didn't!" She hesitated for a moment too long, and then continued. "Nobody came with me. I'm alone."

That made me pause. I stared at her, wide-eyed. How could she—

"I know what you're thinking," she said quickly, interrupting my thoughts. "And the answer is no, of course Jared wouldn't let me come." Her expression and tone didn't match her words—she sounded more than a little smug. An impish grin began creeping its way onto her lips as she spoke. "I didn't tell him I was planning to, mind you. Honestly, I'm surprised my plan worked. Usually he catches on before I get the chance to do anything." She shrugged, indifferent. "Maybe he was too preoccupied like everyone else."

"Probably," I mumbled, distracted by what she'd said. I knew I shouldn't have been offended or upset at the idea of no one else wanting to come and find me, but I was. I was being stupid. It was only rational that my humans didn't try anything. It was far too dangerous, even for Mel. She shouldn't have been thereeven be here. One wrong move and she would not only put herself at great risk, but everyone else back in the caves as well. I knew that. I knew that. But still…

"Stop it right now." Her words came out hard and fast, startling me. "Have you forgotten that Ian is out there, searching high and low, trying to find you?" She leaned in close, the breath of her words warm on my face. "I'm right here. We love you, Wanda. When are you going to see that? Jared, Jeb and Doc wanted to come and look for you too, but they've just been spent weeks arguing, getting nowhere." She made a frustrated sound in the back of her throat and rolled her eyes as she leaned back on her knees. "I told them you'd be here, that we just had to come and get you when all the commotion died down, but nobody would listen. Jared wouldn't have any piece of it."

"There's a lot of merit in their arguing, Mel," I insisted, trying to hide both the relief I felt at her explanation and embarrassment for having doubted her. "It's dangerous here. Too dangerous." I frowned, trying to put my happiness at her being here aside. Already my body was jittery with the excitement. There was nothing more I wanted to do at that moment than to sit and talk with her like I always did and tell her everything that had happened. I had so many questions about everyone at home. It was almost impossible to be rationale when I was so cheerful, but I tried. Her safety had to be my number one priority, I reminded myself, because it would never be her own.

That was I'd ended up in her body, after all.

"Don't even bother with a lecture, Wanda." She waved a dismissive hand in front of my face. "It isn't going to work. I'm staying. It's not up for discussion. I know you're happy to see me, so can you drop the act." She was suddenly very serious. "I've been so worried about you." She Mel was reaching for me as she spoke, wrapping her arms around my waist in a tight embrace. "There was a moment back there, in that van, that I thought I'd lost you forever. I think we all did." She wiped her eyes quickly on my shirt, holding me still so I couldn't pull back to look at her.

"Mel…" I hugged her back with as much strength as my little body could muster, speechless with my gratitude.

"I'm not leaving without you this time. Don't you dare try and pull another disappearing act on me, got it? You have to start thinking of what that would do to other people." She let go of me slowly and leaned upright, her eyes bright with her indignation. "I'm sure you already have a good idea of what your little stunt did to Ian…"—wince—"…and Jamie's," she continued, pretending not to notice, "pretty depressed. I'm a little worried about him. I haven't seen him this upset since Dad's body came looking for us with Seekers."

I felt the anxiety knot my stomach, the guilt twist my face. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to cause Jamie pain. And Ian…I tried not to dwell on the festering burning that goodbye had caused.

"We need to leave as soon as we can," she insisted. "I don't think I can stay here long—someone will notice my eyes eventually."

I nodded, trying to think ahead. Burns would be back in a couple of days, but I didn't think that Melanie would be able to stay even that long without getting into some sort of trouble.

When I looked back up at her, considering, she was staring at me, looking rather put out. "What?"

"Well, are you going to tell me what's been happening or not? I'm waiting." Crossed arms, eyebrows raised. Funny. I knew exactly how it felt to hold that position.

I shrugged, unsure of what to tell her first. "What do you want to know?"

Melanie rolled her eyes, irritated. "Start from the beginning. What happened when you left us?"

So I told her about the Seekers who "rescued" me, the room they kept me in for observation, about living with Cloud Spinner and the regular appointments I was forced to attend with Seekers and Comforters—Mel really didn't like that part—and then, reluctantly, how'd I'd become too concerned for Cloud Spinner's wellbeing to try and escape, and finally, about how I'd come across Burns Living Flowers in a local supermarket. I told her about the brainstorming session we'd had the other day, about how we'd tried and failed to come up with any solution. She simply nodded through all of it, never interrupting with any of the questions I knew she wanted to ask. When I finally finished, she flopped back onto the floor, stretching.

"Wow. You really have been through a lot." She sat back up again, her expression sombre. "I'm sorry you had to go through that all alone, Wanda. I would have come sooner if I could. If I'd known…I mean, I tried to come sooner, but Jared and Uncle Jeb wouldn't listen to a word I said! He Jared would just shut down completely whenever I mentioned leaving the caves."

"For good reason," I agreed, and she narrowed her eyes at me. "This world is dangerous for humans, Mel. You should know that better than anybody."

"But I…we allknow better now," she argued. "It's nowhere near as dangerous as it used to be. Everyone has a decent quality of life now, thanks to you. It just seems so ungrateful of them all to not want to run the risk of trying to find you."

I knew that Melanie was angry, but Jared had been right. Jared was always right when it came to these sorts of things. Melanie needed to calm down and see the sense behind Jared and Jeb's decision…and I knew that wasn't going to happen any time soon. She always acted on emotion and I knew that any attempt at talking her down at this moment would fail; she was too worked up to see logic.

Instead, I stood up and stretched, using her speechlessness as an opportunity to change the subject. I smiled with sudden inspiration, and Melanie noticed.

"What?" she asked, looking strangely worried.

I giggled. "Would you like a hot bath?"

x x x

"God, I've missed that," Melanie called was saying almost an hour later as she emerged from the steamy room wrapped in a fluffy white towel. "That was definitely worth the risk." She beamed, and went about looking for her clothes. I pointed to a set folded at the foot of my bed.

"Cloud Spinner decided to wash the ones you were wearing. Because mine are all too small, she gave me a pair of her pyjamas for you to wear just for tonight. Your jeans and blouse will be done by tomorrow."

She walked up and grabbed them, inspecting them for a minute. "I guess I should go and say thanks," she muttered, biting her lip.

"No need," I assured her, knowing that she'd be worried about the light downstairs. "I already told her you said thank you."

Melanie turned and glared at me. "Stop that!" she snapped. "You're creeping me out."

"How?"

"You're doing that whole, 'I'm-a-soul-and-everything-is-happy-and-easy-thing '."

"Sorry," I said, trying not to laugh. She didn't say anything for a moment, only stared, her expression serious, before snatching up her borrowed pyjamas and marching off into the bathroom to get changed, slamming the door behind her. I frowned at the door, more than a little confused. What did I say that had upset her so much?

She came out a few minutes later, throwing the door open so hard it banged loudly against the tiled wall.

"Careful!" I complained, pushing past her to make sure she hadn't damaged anything. Not that it mattered. Cloud Spinner would have heard it and knowing how on edge she was all the time, she was probably fretting already, thinking someone was trying to kidnap me from my room. Worryingly—and ironically—enough, that was exactly why Melanie was here.

"Sorry," Mel said, not sounding sorry at all. "I just don't seem to know my own strength sometimes."

"What are you doing?" I hissed at her, now well and truly beginning to panic. I listened hard for Cloud Spinner's quick and light footsteps out on the landing. "Do you want Cloud Spinner to find out you're human and call the Seekers?"

"We have to get out of here as soon as possible."

"Yes, I know," I insisted in a low voice, barely managing to keep my voice from shaking with the panic bubbling its way up my throatmy anger. "But these sorts of escapes are complicated! We can't just—"

But Sshe cut me off. "No matter what you do for that woman, Wanderer, she will still be hurt by your disappearance. Nothing will ever change that. In fact, prolonging it will only make it worse. So stop pretending to be something you're not and come home!"

Melanie took a deep breath in an effort to calm herself—an action that was as familiar to me as my own body. I didn't want to fight with her. I never would. But in that moment I couldn't think of any way to make her see that it was never as easy as running off into the night. I had obligations here, no matter how potentially dangerous they were. Why couldn't she understand? The second the Seekers heard about my disappearance, they'd be in the desert with what I could only imagine to be a huge searching party. We'd get caught trying to sneak back home, and then all of this secrecy would all be for nothing. No. I couldn't bear the thought.

And what about Ian? He wasn't with everyone else in the desert. He was here in this very city. Somewhere. Trying to find me. I wouldn't leave until I had found him safe. Until I actually, physically touched him. And then there was Burns...I couldn't just leave without telling him. That wouldn't be politeright.

"You know it's not as easy as that," I sighed, falling back onto the bed. The familiar smell of the sheets offered no comfort. "I'm not leaving without Ian."

"And I'm not leaving without you," Melanie countered. She swallowed hard before she continued. "You know better than anyone that it's a risk we can't afford to take. You can't spend any more time here than you need to!"

I hugged my head and closed my eyes, unable to respond.

I heard her growl. "For Jamie's sake! Please, Wanda! Come home with me. We'll find Ian, don't worry." She hesitated for a moment. "Please don't let this all be for nothing."

That distracted me. "What?"

The door opened then, and Cloud Spinner was peaking around at me. She smiled, all politeness. "Are you girls alright for bedclothes?" She looked over at Melanie. "I hope the pyjamas I left out for you are comfortable."

"Yes, they are." Melanie grinned, seemingly appreciative—the expression looked too forced to me. I hoped Cloud Spinner didn't notice the tightness around her eyes, the strain in her that Cloud Spinner would notice.

"Good." She smiled at me before she left, almost giddy with excitement. "Goodnight, girls. See you in the morning."

"Goodnight," Melanie and I both said at the same time. The door was barely closed before Melanie was making her way over to the window, opening it wide.

My eyes bulged. "What are you doing?"

"We're leaving," she said, in a normal voice, feeling around the security screen Cloud Spinner had installed a few days after I'd returned from isolation.

"No, we're not."

"Yes, we are."

"No! We-we can't!"

"Wanda!" She grabbed me by the shoulders; her grip was so tight it was almost painful. "Do you have any idea how much worse this situation is going to get in even just a few more hours?" She leered over me, her gaze intense. "Jared will have already figured out I'm missing. He'll know where I've gone, that I'm here. I'm sure he's on his way here as we speak. I wouldn't be surprised if he brings a few of the others with him. Jared will do anything to separate us from Cloud Spinner. Can you even begin to imagine what he would do if he found out you and I were here? Let alone Kyle…And then they'd get caught by the Seekers…and…and Jamie…" She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, releasing her grip on my arms before falling against the wall.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "That was mean. Really mean. I just…I just couldn't…" She slid slowly to the floor, cuddling her knees to her chest.

"Don't apologise. I understand how you feel. Of course I do." I curled up next to her on the carpet, leaning my head against the wall. "It's just…this whole situation is so much more complicated then I could of have hoped. I know you're frustrated with me. It's not fair, really. What I'm doing. To you or to Cloud Spinner. But I just can't walk away and not face the consequences…I'm not as strong as you…I'm just…"

"…You," Melanie finished for me. She smiled to herself, suddenly fascinated with her toes. "You're just being you. I know. Or rather, I should know." She sighed. "Of course you want to save another Soul from suffering. That shouldn't surprise me, even if it does annoy me. It's in your nature to be overbearingly compassionate." She sighed, collapsing against my shoulder. "It's so weird, the way I feel now. And I know you more than anyone can relate. Everything is different."

I waited for her to explain. After a minute of silence, she started; her voice was barely above a whisper. "After spending so much time with you…sharing your mind…When I woke up, everything was different from the way I remembered it. It felt…wrong to be in my own body without you there. I still catch my thoughts sometimes, waiting for your opinion. Your voice." She laughed quietly at herself and straightened, suddenly embarrassed.

I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about that. On some level I knew I was pleased—I was happy that she loved me so much. But I also knew I was worried about the effect I'd had on her mentally. Was she trying to tell me that she was having a hard time coping? I knew it'd be entirely my fault if that was the case. I should have left sooner.

"Don't take it the wrong way," she said after a too long a silence. "I like being me again, having my thoughts to myself, being in control of my own body." She paused, seeming to decide what to say next. "It's just…I hadn't been entirely human for what seemed like the longest time. When I woke up and saw Jared for the first time, I felt sick. Wrong." She turned to look at me, smiling impishly. "I punched him, y'know."

"What?"

She was serious again by the time she spoke. "I thought he'd actually let you carry out your crazy, stupid plan. I thought he'd killed you."

I blinked, speechless.

"I saw his hunting knife—the one you used to cut yourself with in order to get the medicines for Jamie—and completely freaked out. I couldn't see you anywhere. I should have known better—that he would never hurt you."

I honestly didn't know what to say. "I guess I'm glad he didn't. In the end." I smiled at her. "I got everything I could have ever wanted." And I still don't feel like I deserve it, I added on mentally.

She smiled too, her mischievous self again. "I am too. Y'know, I could never have been happy with Jared while letting you pay the price. That was a very, very bad plan, Wanda. Leaving me with that whole mess. And Ian!" She scoffed dramatically.

We were both quiet then for a moment, thinking to ourselves. I was trying to remember how it felt to know I—that everyone I cared about—was safe.

I couldn't.

Mel was rising, stretching and going to fetch something from her bag. I was just about to follow her, to try and convince her to sleep—just sleep tonight, please—but she was already turning to face me with such an odd look on her face that the words died on my tongue.

"I haven't been sleeping well since you left," she said almost sheepishly. There was something strange in her voice…or her face. I couldn't tell. Didn't know how to process it. Her hands were brushing her face, brushing her hair…and suddenly the moonlight bounced off something shiny in her hand.

I heard myself swallow when I realised what it was. "You stole more medicine?" I whispered incredulously. "After what happened? You went back there?" The shock was absolute. "Are you insane!"

"No," she whispered, too calm. "No, I wouldn't do that. I borrowed it from Doc's stash."

"Oh."

She twists open the lid, examines the spray bottle for a moment. Looks like she's about to use it.

"I'd wait until you're lying down, if I were you," I mumbled, trying to figure out why I was so nervous all of a sudden.

Mel sighs loudly, suddenly, but doesn't take her eyes off the bottle. She turns it around in her hand, seemingly mesmerized by the light dancing off its surface. "I'm sorry."

I can feel the expression on my face forming the question I don't need to ask.

"Don't be too angry with me, please."

My face is still frozen in confusion, my brain racing to catch up, to make sense of what she's saying. Why is she apologizing?

Mel pushes down on the top of the bottle and my head is nothing but fog.

"I don't—" I start to form words on my lips, but the sound doesn't come out. I didn't realise how close I was. Didn't think it mattered. Didn't think that the nozzle was facing in my direction when she pushed down on it. I feel myself fall to my knees, but I don't feel anything, can't make out anything I'm seeing.

Don't be too angry with me please…

I still don't understand. There's so much fog and I can't see and all I want to do is sleep. I can't think, I can't think, I can't think…

And then I hear the word—the name—whip harshly from her lips and it wipes away the fog. Makes everything clear. I understand. I do…I do…

And I'm furious.

"Jared!"

There's a muffled crash from some place far away…or maybe it is close and I just can't tell anymore. I only realise then that my eyes have already closed and there are anchors tied to my eyelashes and I'm falling…

Falling so fast…

"I've got her," he says.

I want to scream.

But there's nothing.

I'm gone.

A/N: Sooooo…ummm…what's it been now? 2 years? Whoops. It's funny. It was another book I finished the other day—er, two actually—that I'm now so obsessed with I can't bear the thought of waiting six months for the last one, that has actually reminded me I have a fic I haven't finished. *headdesk* I mean, I do still love The Host. Hated the movie. HATED the movie. I mean, The Host is only probably my all time favourite book. Soooo…yeah. Can't believe I forgot I used to write fanfiction.

Shatter Me and Unravel Me by Tahereh Mafi. Seriously, if you haven't read them. GO DO IT NOW. *Flail* Or…maybe wait six months for the last one to come out so you're not throwing stuff across your room in dismay when you see that the "buy" button on your iPad says "available for pre-order" instead.

Anywho, already halfway through the second chapter. I've written the last three chapters for this fic about 18 months ago. Now I just have to bridge the gap. I'll get on that over the weekend, probably…if I can be tempted NOT to write UNRAVEL ME Juliette/Warner fic instead. *Melt*

Review if you like! :D :D :D