Yay! I am back! Been having a bit of a depression, but here is the newest installment of…

SIX THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED

The Watchtower was awfully quiet, which was no surprise, given that Booster Gold was up there alone. Not even Skeetes was up there. Why? Well, an ultra-mega-major crisis had occurred and every single one of Earth's heroes were taking care of it. Except Booster, who was doing monitor duty, in case "something else happened". Truth was, they wanted him out of the way. And that hurt.

Booster Gold was fiddling with a pen, when, suddenly, all the screens lit up. A grey, alien face appeared on them. The man froze for a second and the face started talking: "Glir, glorr-glorr-garrr!" The alien then awaited a response, but all he got was a blank stare and some blinking. He said something that sounded like a curse, the screens went off for a moment and then the face reappeared.

"Have I reached the place known as the Watchtower?" – "Yeah…" – "I demand to speak with the krypronian!" – "He's not here, but I can take a…" – "The martian then!" – "He is not here either, but I am just as…" – "I'll call later!" The screens went blank again. Booster just shrugged.

Two hours later, the screens went on again. "Are they here?" – "Nope." The alien waited for a moment and examined Booster Gold. "Are you a hero as well?" The man grinned: "The best" – "Then you, Earthlings, are not worth conquering" The screens shut off, this time, for good. "I think I just saved a world. Why don't I ever have witnesses?"

Superman sensed tension the second he walked into the room. Nearly all members of the League were assembled and they didn't look happy. At all. "Good morning, everyone. As you all know by now, due to certain… issues with the Watchtower funding we've been forced to start a line of hero-related merchandise. You all saw the promotional dolls and action figures, now I would like to present our future projects" He nodded at someone and, with a red blur, diagrams and posters appeared on stage.

The kryptonian then started a very long, boring speech, describing the various items, such as a magical card game, a set of chess, theme songs and CD's with the theme songs, Halloween costumes, video games and a feature film with a possible TV-series spin-off.

Seeing that his fellow Leaguers were bored to sleep, Superman decided this was the moment. He took breath and, as quickly as possible, blurted out: "Also a series of adult-oriented novels, films, posters and video games with the forceful participation of the following members: Vixen, Fire, Ice, Huntress, Black Canary, B'wana Beast, Booster Gold and (he gulped) Big Barda. If they fail to do so, we will be prosecuted by the law for not fullfilling the contract. Thank you for your attention" With that, he fled the room.

It was "Bring your family to the Wathctower, if they know your secret identity, of course" day. Men, women and children explored the satellite, accompanied by a costumed hero or heroine. A group of fifty amazons assaulted the training room, where a few heroes were hiding, while Diana was attempting to explain that the word "darling" was not necessarily chauvinistic. All was well.

The teleporter got activated just as Green Lantern and Hawkgirl had finally decided to talk about their relationship. They looked at the pod and froze. Batman, with an annoyed expression (expression!) on his face, stood there. This would have been odd as it was, but the Dark Knight was not alone.

First their attention was drawn by a young, red-headed woman in a wheel-chair. She wore a domino mask, but had regular clothes on. Another girl was right behind the chair and she was wearing a stylized Batman-costume that fully covered her face and body. A young man, also in a hero costume, stood next to the girls. He also wore a domino mask, and on his chest there was a blue bird emblem. A second guy, slightly bulkier, appeared to have more or less rehular clothes on, but also a bright red mask. The third, probably a teenager, had a red-and-black costume. "Cool!" – he exclaimed when the teleportation is over and jumped off the teleporter.

The rest of the group got off, and chaterring proceeded to the next room. The only words Hawkgirl and Green Lantern could make out were Batman's:"Behave. All of you" After the six of them left, the two heroes stared at each other, trying to shake off the surreal feeling that had invaded them. "So… You done with Mari yet?"

Flash zoomed through the Watchtower back and forth, before finally pausing in front of Supergirl and Stargirl. He appeared worried. "Girls, have you seen Atom?" They both said no and curiously inquired what was wrong. "Some dangerous wave generator thingy was taken up here yesterday and it somehow got activated. Apparently it blocks Atom's powers or something so…" Flash took a step back, for no particular reason. The squishing sound that came next might have very well been from stepping on a cockroache. Except there were no bugs in space. "Oh no…"

The window opened and then closed again, alerting the girl in front of the computer about the presence of the Dark Knight. She turned around in her spinning chair, her glasses glistening misteriously in the light of the computer "Hello, Batman. Or should I say, Bruce Wayne?" The shadow moved forward slightly, becoming visible. "How?"

The girl, looking very pleased with herself, shrugged: "Oh, it wasn't that difficult. I am not even that much of a hacker myself. All I did was think logically" The shadow grunted disapprovingly. "First, I found a list online of all the people who had the resources to pay for gadgets, materials and the car, of course. That made about three hundred people in Gotham." She grinned with excitement: "Then I looked up in Wikipedia their biographies to see how many had a reason to chase criminals down. That narrowed it down to twenty, of which fifteen were too old and three too young to be Batman. So… That left two people" She was obviously trying hard not to squeak with excitement.

"One of them had been travelling around the world for the last six months, so Bruce Wayne was the only option left. I sent out an e-mail and, well, there you are"

"What do you want?" – "Well, nothing really. Just… I'll keep this a secret, of course, but if I cracked your identity with such ease others might too." The shadow waited. "So uhm.. I just… Well, sorry to have bothered you." She looked at the Dark Knight, a little freaked out at last, when he finally turned around and was gone with a: "Thanks for the warning" The relieved girl turned back to her computer: "I wonder what Green Arrow would say… Okay, let's find out!"

Shayera found it by accident. She had for some reason visited the lower levels of the Watchtower and was passing by a supply room, when she heard a familiar voice scream: "Hello! Welcome to the HERO UNDERGROUND" A bit muffled cheers and shushing sound were the answer to that. The Thanagarian pressed her ear against the door, quite intrigued. The same voice, that belonged to a hero she couldn't quite identify, continued. "Tonight is our gambling night and by popular demand we'll be taking bets on the next two subjects". More muffled cheers. "First: How long will it take for Superman to realize the problem with the P.R. contract he signed? And the second is an old favourite: Who will become the new missis Green Lantern, Vixen or Shayera Hol? Come on, place your bets!"

The door fell under the mace, revealing a medium-sized room, decorated with banners and posters, with a bar stand and bar stools, as well as a table. Behind the table there was a blackboard with names and numbers on. A group of heroes, neither of them belonging to the Big Seven, all stared dazzled at Shayera.

She tapped her mace lightly on the palm of her hand. Booster Gold, who had been the one leading the little club, gulped. Shayera walked slowly through the room, followed by silence and dread. She approached the table, grabbed Booster by the collar with one hand and very sweetly asked: "I am more popular than Vixen, aren't I?" Everybody rushed to assure her that so it was.

Okay, the Atom piece was cruel. But come on, with his kind of powers something of the sort was bound to happen eventually….R&R and see you later!