Hey!! StarShinobi here with yet another new fic! I've been working on this one for a while and thanks to my beta/roommate RyanLaurel. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. If you do, review and the chapters will come out fast. (On Monday if I get a bunch over the weekend).

FOR THE WHOLE SERIES!!

Disclaimer: Haha, if I owned CSI:NY or it's characters, I would be able to pay for college, but since I don't...

Warnings: Angst, violence, drama, yadda, yadda, yadda...

"It is quite gratifying to feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong: how noble! Whereas it is rather hard and certainly depressing to admit guilt and to repent."

-Hannah Arendt

"I always knew you were a dirty cop, Messer, and now I have the proof I need to finally get you off of my squad!" yelled the Captain at the dirty blonde haired cop who sat in front of him. He had dreamed of this day ever since Danny had shot that undercover; to watch the dirtball squirm in the interrogation room. Unfortunately, his dream was incomplete; Danny didn't even show a hint of fear.

He did, however, look as though he hadn't slept in days. Large, black circles hung under his tired looking blue eyes. His hair was unkept but not messy, and his head lay in his hands, his elbows on his knees. Danny had been kept in the interrogation room for more than three hours and he was tired, hungry, and irritated. He wanted nothing more than to get a cup of coffee, but he knew that wasn't happening. The Captain was bound and determined to get a confession out of him.

"Better yet, I'm gonna put your sorry ass in jail and off of my streets. I'll make sure you sit there until you rot, if not get the needle." He smiled wickedly down at the man.

Danny looked at the man with an angry glare. "I didn't do it. There's no proof. You couldn't put me in jail if you tried."

"The bullet that killed her was from your gun and you had motive!" he yelled slamming his hand down on the metal table, intending to intimidate Danny, but it wasn't successful. "Lucy Scott fired the gun that killed that kid that you seemed to like so much. So, you decided to get back at her for causing his death by shooting her, point blank in the skull while she was at home."

"I reported that my gun was stolen from my apartment a week ago," said Danny, keeping his voice very calm. Mac had warned him to watch his temper; the Captain wanted him to lose it, but Danny was tired and he could feel his resolve starting to deteriorate. "I filed a report with my supervisor and was issued a replacement, either permanently or until my weapon was found. I went to the grocery store last Tuesday after work to pick up some things. When I can back, my door had been forced open and my firearm was missing from it's holster. The night shift CSI checked my apartment but nothing was found. Check the file; there's even some pretty pictures in there for ya," Danny added with a smirk.

"Ok, so your weapon was stolen," retorted the Captain in angry voice of stone, "how convenient that it happened right before the murder. How do we know that you didn't just hide the gun, stage the burglary, file the report, and then wait for the opportune moment?"

Danny couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You don't really believe that I…."

"Oh, I wouldn't put it past you, Messer," he interrupted. "Everyone knows you are a sly son of a bitch. You know what CSI's would look for, making it so much easier to cover your tracks. Admit it, Messer, you lost your cool and killed this woman."

"Poor Danny," said Stella as the team watched the interrogation through the two-way mirror. "They've been drilling him for hours. We don't even question convicts this long without a break."

"I know, Stella," said Mac, "but they are treating this differently. They really seem to think that Danny did this and they don't want our CSI division to look dirty; the cops already do." His eyes were fixed on the young man in the steel chair, noticing that he was twirling a toothpick in his fingers. No one else noticed that he did that when he got nervous, normally he shoved his hands in his pockets, but when he sat down he twirled pencils, pens, or toothpicks in his fingers. Old smoking habits die hard.

"Come on, Mac, you don't really think Danny would do that, do ya?" asked Flack.

"Doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what the evidence is saying."

"But nothing indicates that Danny was at Lucy's house," said Stella.

"I know, Stella, but until Danny can get someone to testify to where he was last night, Danny will remain the main suspect."

Lindsay unconsciously bit her bottom lip at Mac's words.

"No, I..."

"And what about your clothes, eh?" he interrupted again. Danny got really sick of that after the first hour. "We searched your apartment with your consent and couldn't find the clothes from yesterday. We have footage of you leaving a convenient store at 12:30 this morning wearing the same clothes you were wearing at work yesterday. So, you must have dumped them knowing that we would test them for GSR and find it!" He could see he was finally starting to wear down Danny's nerves as his leg had started to bounce nervously.

"Of course you would find it," said Danny, letting his irritation show a little more than he wanted to. "I had to fire my weapon yesterday at a scene. I filed a report and turned it in; following protocol."

"Once again, convenient that you were able to cover your tracks with something work related," he said, turning his back to Danny. "You were in a convenience store a mile from the victim's home, and after hearing that she was released on bail until her trial, decided to dish out a bit of your own justice. You knew you already had GSR on your clothes and it was raining, perfect conditions for committing murder without leaving non-circumstantial evidence."

"I was ordered by Detective Taylor to shoot out the tires of a fleeing vehicle with our suspects inside. I took out the two tires on the right side and the suspects were apprehended by Detective Flack."

"But the fact still remains that no one has told us where you were last night!" yelled the Captain. "You left the store at 12:30 a.m. and the super said you never returned home last night! He went to collect your rent and you were no where to be found. So where were you?"

Lindsay bit her lip a little harder. She knew where Danny had been last night; with her.

Knock…Knock…Knock

Lindsay opened her eyes to the sound coming from her front door. She looked at the clock and noted the time; 1 a.m. She remained in bed, figuring it was just part of her dream and attempted to go back to sleep to the sound of the rain hitting her window and the soft thunder in the distance, that is, until she heard another set of knocks.

She threw off the covers with an exasperated sigh, slipped on a pair of sweatpants over her sleeping shorts, and moved toward the front door. Who could it be at this hour? she thought.

She angrily unlocked and unchained the door before throwing it open. "What?!" she yelled, but immediately regretted it as she stood staring at her late night caller in shock.

Danny stood in front of her in his rain-soaked clothes with the expression of a little boy caught by his mom in the act of breaking the window with a baseball. His eyes, slightly red and puffy, lingered on hers for a moment before they dropped to the floor. "Sorry," he said, turning to go down the hallway, "I knew this was a bad time." He was almost to the stairwell when Lindsay finally snapped out of her shock.

"Danny!" she yelled down the hall, causing him to stop, but he didn't turn around. "Danny, don't go," she pleaded quietly, "please don't go."

She couldn't believe Danny was there, he hadn't spoken to her since Ruben was killed three weeks ago unless it was work related. He wouldn't return her calls and he wouldn't eat lunch with her. Flack said Danny was avoiding him, too, but those two at least talked.

She closed her eyes and willed herself to stay asleep because she knew that she would most likely wake up and realize none of this was really happening. Danny wasn't there. He was still avoiding her, but she wanted to stay in this dream; to stay with Danny. "Please don't go."

She opened her eyes when she realized that she had started crying, and saw him standing in front of her. She tried to hold herself back, tried to reign in her emotions, but they were too strong. She missed him so much. She didn't care anymore; it was all a dream so it wouldn't matter in the morning anyway.

She turned around, putting her back to him. "Why am I doing this to myself?" she said out loud. "I will just wake up any minute now and realize that your not here, you're still avoiding me for God knows why. I'll cry myself back to sleep only to get up, go to work, and suffer through your silence again. I miss you so much that I'm dreaming you're coming to see me, but it will end the way it always does; me waking up and you not being there to comfort me."

Hot tears were rolling down her face as she leaned against the doorframe and cried. The sobs wracked her body; she just wanted this torture to stop.

"Montana." His voice was calm, and it made her angry. Not even in her dreams would Danny break and feel bad for what he had done. He was calm, like nothing ever happened. She decided not to even acknowledge he had said anything. "Lindsay," he said, his voice a lot softer, almost pleading "please look at me."

Shocked by the change in his voice, she slowly turned to him and gazed at him with tear streaked cheeks. She crossed her arms and stared at him. "What, Danny? I don't want to do this anymore, not even in my dreams."

Danny just looked at her for a minute. "Lindsay," he began, "this isn't a dream." He moved his eyes back to the floor, stuck his hands into his pockets and shifted his weight from side to side. "I came to say that I'm sorry…for everything; for not talking to you, for shutting you out, for everything. I know I hurt you, Montana, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

Lindsay dropped her hands to her sides as he words soaked in. Danny, her Danny, was really there. She had been waiting for him to stop by, even if he didn't apologize, she just wanted to talk to him, to see him, but now that he was here, she didn't know what to do.

Danny kept his gaze on the ground. "I'm sure you're angry and want to go back to bed, so I'll talk to ya later, alright? See ya, Lindsay."

He began to turn to walk down and leave when Lindsay launched herself forward and wrapped her arms around Danny's neck. "Danny," she cried through her sobs, "you're here! You're really here. I've missed you so much." She rested her head on his shoulder, her hot tears absorbing into his already soaked jacket. He was cold and she could feel the rain from his jacket starting to seep into her clothes, but she didn't care; she just needed to be near him.

She cried for a while before she felt his hands leave his pockets and his strong arms hesitantly wrap around her. Doors started opening around them as her neighbors began checking out what was going on. "Maybe we should go inside," she said quietly into his ear with a shaky voice. She hesitated before taking his hand and leading him inside.

"Like I have told you a thousand times," said Danny, his voice starting to sound very irritated, "I was with my girlfriend last night."

"But you still won't tell us who she is!" yelled the Captain.

"I told you, somebody who knows her father works here, and like you said earlier, I ain't exactly the boyfriend ya bring home to mommy and daddy."

"I didn't know Danny was seeing anyone," said Stella, "did you?"

"I knew there was someone but he wouldn't tell me who," said Flack, "and he tells me damn near everything. Well, more than he tells anyone else anyway."

Lindsay smiled at this. If only Flack knew that was a lie. She though back to the night before again.

She closed the door and turned to see Danny standing with his hands in his pockets again, looking uncomfortable. "Why don't you take off your coat and shoes," she said as she strode over to him. "We can put them by the heater and let them dry."

"Nah," he said shaking his head, "I should probably go."

"Why?" she asked.

Danny pulled off his glasses and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "I only came to apologize." He placed his glasses into his pocket as he couldn't see through the fog that had accumulated on them when he walked into her warm apartment. He walked toward the door and began to open it.

Lindsay ran over to the door and slammed it shut. "What," she said angrily. "Are you just going to leave me alone again? You just going to crawl back into your hole and leave, not only me, but Flack, Stella, Mac, and Hawks in the dark again? I thought you said you were sorry for shutting me out. We deserve, hell,I deserve more than that Danny!"

"You're right, Montana," said Danny almost too quietly to hear, "you deserve better than me. You deserve someone who you can count on. Someone who hasn't…" His voice sank away and she could hear his throat closing as he fought back his emotions.

"Danny," she said quietly as she took his hand off of the doorknob and held it in her hands, "I want you to look at me." His eyes shifted to her and she could see the unshed tears that were hiding behind his blue eyes. "What happened to Ruben, it wasn't your fault; no one blames you for what happened. Accidents happen and unfortunately, one happened to Ruben; you just happened to be there."

"Nah, Montana," he said slipping his hand from hers, "I should have looked out for him better. If I would have kept him near me, not let him ride ahead, he wouldn't have been shot. If I would have made sure he got home, I would have been there to see he was hurt and he wouldn't have…"

Then something happened that Lindsay would have never believed if she hadn't seen it for herself; Danny Messer started to cry. Unshed tears and painful sounding sobs resonated from the sturdy pillar of a man. Lindsay ran to him and pulled him into a warm embrace; holding him as he let out three weeks worth of grief, sadness, and frustration.

"Shh, Danny," she cooed as she rubbed his back and cried with him. "It's ok."

He pulled away, quickly ending his tears, and looked toward the floor in embarrassment. "I never wanted that to happen; to let you see me cry."

Lindsay smiled. Men, she thought. "Danny, it doesn't make you weak." He just continued to glare at the floor in shame. "Felt good though, didn't it?"

Danny just shrugged his shoulders. "Not really, but I know one thing that did."

Lindsay looked at him confused. "What?"

"This," he said as he strode forward and pulled her into a loving embrace, feeling her warm his skin and his soul. She was his saving grace, whether she knew it or not. He knew she deserved better than him, but he felt at home near her, like he finally found where he belonged.

"I really am sorry, Montana. I was trying to deal with what happened the only way I know how, by shutting myself off to all emotion. No one has ever tried to be there for me before, so I have always had to do it on my own. I'm still not totally sure I can do it any other way, but I want to try. I don't want to be without you anymore."

Lindsay tightened her grip on his neck and whispered in his ear. "I'll make us some coffee and we can talk all about it. I don't want to do anything else but be with you tonight."

They had sat on the couch in each others arms for hours drinking coffee and talking. The pair had laughed, cried, and even yelled (not at each other) together, never touching the Ruben subject, before crawling into bed. Danny couldn't sleep, but Lindsay couldn't help doing so. It was just so comforting to have him near. She had apologized the next morning for falling asleep, but he said it was fine. Danny told her it was calming to see her so content and happy; that it had made him feel a little better.

The next morning, Danny changed into some clothes he had left at Lindsay's in case he stayed overnight. They had gone into work together that morning and Lindsay was ecstatic, that is, until the Captain found them.

"Messer," yelled the Captain, "get your ass to the interrogation room, now!"

"What? Why?" asked Danny. He and the Captain had a mutual hatred for one another.

"Lucy Scott was killed last night with your gun! Now get over here!"

Danny started to walk away but before he did, he turned to Lindsay. "Linds, don't tell them I was at your house last night. I won't have you losing your job over me."

So she kept her mouth shut, though her heart was telling her to defend him no matter the consequences.

"Admit it, Messer!" yelled the Captain. "You killed that woman! You wanted to kill the person responsible for that kid's death. You didn't go home last night; you went out and killed her. Will you sleep better at night now? The person you think is responsible for that brat's death is dead!!"

Danny slammed his fist on the metal table causing everyone to jump in surprise. He quickly stood up causing his chair to fall over backward. He leaned across the table and stared the Captain in the eyes with a gaze of hatred and grief.

"If what you say is true," he yelled louder than any of them had ever heard before, "then why am I still alive?!" Everyone just sat in a silent shock from his outburst and his words before he continued. "Lucy was not responsible for Ruben's death, I was! If I hadn't taken him to that bike-blessing ceremony; if I hadn't let him ride ahead; if I made sure he was safe before letting him go, he might still be here. I might be able to sleep at night without seeing him in a casket or on a slab in the morgue. I might be able to pass by his door or through the hallway and hear his laughter rather than his ma cryin'! I would have been at home havin' my weekly Mac n' cheese dinner with the kid instead of findin' every excuse not to go there! So, you're right, I didn't go home last night, I went to Lindsay Monroe's apartment and I was there all night! So pin this on some other scumbag!!"

He pushed off from the table, causing it toward the Captain a bit, and threw open the door leaving his shocked accuser and co-workers in his wake.

Lindsay sat staring through the one way mirror. "Detective Monroe," said the Captain through the intercom, "is this true?"

She felt all of the eyes in the viewing room turn to her. They all looked surprised, and Stella even looked a little hurt. Lindsay hesitated a moment before pushing the button for the intercom. "Yes, sir," she said confidently, "he was at my place all night."

Stella looked away and Flack shook his head. Mac began to walk over to her and she was sure she was in trouble, but instead, he just gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze and a look that made all of her worries melt away. "Don't worry, Lindsay," he said kindly. "Let's go see Danny."

Lindsay gave a look at Stella. "You know what, Mac," she said, "why don't you find Danny. I think I owe a couple people an explanation." Mac gave her a smile before leaving the room with Hawks close on his heels. "Stella…"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Stella interrupted.

"Or Danny tell me?" added Flack.

"To be honest, we didn't want anyone to know," said Lindsay as she moved her gaze to the floor. "We wanted to keep it a secret, to prove that we were able to have this relationship and still act professionally at work."

"But we're your friends," said Flack.

"I know, and I'm sorry," she said looking into their eyes. "We never meant to hurt your feelings; it's just something we felt needed to be done."

"Just don't keep anything else from us, alright?" said Flack.

"Sure, unless Danny wants it to be a surprise," Lindsay smiled.

"Alright," said Stella, a mischievous smile playing on her face, "but I'm the godmother of your first child."

Lindsay's smile grew even bigger. "I think that can be arranged, if I ever have a kid." She paused and looked at her friends. "So, are we good?"

"Oh, we're good. Now, let's find that hot-headed boyfriend of yours before the sheriff does." With that, the trio left to find Danny.

Danny slammed the door of the interrogation room and ignored the looks of his co-workers as he made his way to the locker room. He needed some quiet; some time to cool down. He hadn't even told Lindsay that he felt that way, and now he had yelled it at the Captain in front of God and everybody.

He made it to the locker room and put his head against the cool, metal surface of his locker. Everyone was going to know that he was a pansy. The Captain had brought up feelings that Danny had worked hard to suppress.

Worst of all, he had exposed his relationship with Lindsay. The Captain would heckle her now. He had always trusted that Montana girl, but now she was with the Staten Island disaster. She would be seen in a different light, maybe less respected. How could he do that to her? How could the Captain put him in that position? How could they think he would kill that woman? He thought about Ruben lying on that slab and tears threatened to form.

His anger rose and clawed at him for release. He couldn't stand it; he was so angry! He pulled his head away from the door and with a frustrated yell, drove his fist into the locker with a loud bam! He only vaguely felt the pain as his hand impacted the hard metal.

He turned around and slid down the locker to sit on the floor. He rested his arms on his knees and allowed his hands to dangle between them. He clenched his jaw to control his tears and grimaced when he saw the blood dripping down his fingers from his split knuckles.

"You know," came a deep voice from the door of the locker room, "we should get you a padded locker door. It won't hurt as much, and they don't dent as easy.

Danny looked up at his locker to see the large dent in its smooth surface. Danny could hear Mac's joking tone, but he still turned his eyes to the floor in shame. Mac had told him to keep his temper, and he snapped. He had always tried so hard to pay Mac back for hiring him, for taking a chance on him, but so far he had let him down. "Sorry."

Mac could tell that Danny was ashamed. "So, you and Lindsay are working out, huh?" asked Mac as he squatted in front of the young man.

Danny finally lifted his gaze to Mac. "I know we should have told you, but we wanted to prove that we could be together and still be professional at work. I'm sorry, Mac. We didn't want to…I should have told you earlier, but we didn't want to lose our jobs."

Lindsay found her way to the locker room and saw Hawks waiting outside looking in. "What's happening, Doc?" she asked.

"Mac is just talking with Danny right now," he said never moving his concerned eyes from the two men. Lindsay turned her attention to the inside of the room where Danny was sitting on the floor against the lockers and Mac was squatting in front of him.

"Danny, I…"

"Don't be mad at Lindsay, Mac, please," said Danny in a desperate voice. Mac had only heard Danny's voice like this once before, when Louie was put in the hospital. "I'll quit. I've already proven that I'm a disappointment; that it was a mistake to hire me. Lindsay is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Mac, and I would rather lose my job than lose her."

"Danny, no!" yelled Lindsay as she ran into the room. She knelt next to Danny as the two men looked at her with surprise. "Don't give up your job over me, please. You are a wonderful CSI, I'll quit." She grabbed his uninjured hand and held it in hers, looking deep into his eyes.

"No, Lindsay."

"I won't let you quit," she said.

"And I won't let either one of you quit over this," said Mac over the squabbling couple. The two looked at him in surprise and a smile reached over the man's face. "I would be a hypocrite to fire even one of you for having an intradepartmental relationship since I had one myself. You two have proven you are more than capable of leaving your relationship outside of work." Mac's smile grew even wider as he said, "Besides, if I was going to fire you over this I would have done it awhile ago."

"What?" Lindsay asked confused.

"How long have you known?" Danny asked.

"Well, I first suspected it when you took Lindsay's shift that one day, but my suspicions were confirmed three weeks later after we processed the Statue of Liberty. Lindsay's smile was much too large when she put that spray-on condom in your lab coat for it to have been a joke." Lindsay's face turned red and snickers could be heard from out in the hall. A small smirk found its way onto Danny's face before disappearing again.

"Now, Danny," said Mac, "we need to clear you. Where are your clothes from last night?"

"Lindsay's apartment," he said. "I had an extra set there in case I ever stayed overnight. I was going to pick them up and wash them after work."

Mac nodded in response before turning his attention to Lindsay. "Is it alright if I have Stella and Hawks go to your apartment and get them?" Lindsay nodded.

Mac looked back at Danny and without lifting his gaze from the suddenly sullen young man, he addressed Lindsay again. "Lindsay, why don't you go with them and show them where to find his clothes." Lindsay, picking up on Mac's hint, gave Danny a quick peck on the cheek and left the two men. As soon as he was sure Lindsay was out of earshot he said, "Danny, we need to talk about what just happened."

He could see Danny starting to pull into himself again. "Danny, you don't have to do this alone. What you're feeling, it's normal, but you have to deal with it. You can't just become numb, it will destroy you."

"I'm fine, Mac," he said with annoyance, which annoyed Mac.

"No, Danny, you're not," he said with a harder tone, standing up. "Look what happened in the interrogation room; that was just a taste of what can happen. Danny, you see the results of bottled up emotions everyday on this job. Do you really want to do this to yourself? To Lindsay?"

Mac could tell that he had hit a tender spot as Danny instantly went rigid with irritation. "What about Lindsay?"

"I know you, Danny," he said, bringing a bit of an authoritative tone to his voice. "You have been pushing her away. Haven't you seen how miserable she has been? I know you went to see her last night, but by her reaction, I'm assuming that visit didn't involve talking through what happened. You've taken a step, but you need to follow through. What if you're bottled emotions come out on Lindsay?"

Bull's-eye. Danny stood up and got fairly close to Mac. "I would never hurt Lindsay like that." His voice was stone. "I tried dealing with this thing the only way I know how, alone, but I went to Lindsay last night and tried talking with her."

"About Ruben?"

The anger and irritation drained instantly from his face. "Y…yes."

"Don't lie to me, Danny. I can read you like a book."

"Look, Mac, Lindsay is different from any girl I have ever dated. She's amazing and I…"

"You what, Danny?"

"I actually love her, Mac. I can't imagine life without her. I know this is cliché, but I don't know how I survived before. I can't go back to the way I was before we got together and talking with her about Ruben would definitely drive her away. No one wants to be with a child-killer." Danny's eyes found their way back to the floor.

"Danny, what happened was not your fault…"

"It was my fault, Mac," said Danny, a sadness in his voice. "There are so many things I should have done, and if I had, he would still be here. I should have brought him home. I should have kept up with him. I…"

"I should have made her stay home that day," interrupted Mac. "I should have kissed her one last time. I should have let her drop off that letter at the post office. I should have let her clean up that spilled milk instead of doing it for her. If I had, Clare would have been late for work and she wouldn't have been there when the planes crashed into the World Trade Center. There are 'if's' and 'I should have's,' but at the end of the day there is nothing we can do to change what happened, and we couldn't control it when it was still the unknown future. Bad things happen to people, and it hurts those of us who survive it, but those 'if's' can do nothing but tear us apart. Do you think Ruben would have blamed you for what happened?"

Danny looked down and thought. "No, but…"

"No," said Mac sternly, "no buts, Danny. He wouldn't blame you." Mac's demeanor changed to that of a boss once again. "Now, I want you to go to the hospital and get that hand stitched up. Then I want you to get back here so we can finish this inquiry and get you back to work."

"Sure, Mac. I'll be right back," Danny said, honestly not feeling any better about the situation. He grabbed his jacket out of his now dented locker and walked out into the rain to his car where he drove off to the hospital. "But I do."

So, what does everyone think of my new fic? The other chapters won't be this long, but don't worry, they're long enough.

P.S. the more reviews I get, the faster the chapters will come.