Author's Note: So here's Chapter 4. This is going to be the last chapter I post until maybe July 18th or so because I'm going away and I won't be able to keep writing. Stay tuned, though, because I have no intention of giving up on the story. I'm just getting into it. Anyway, I hope you like it and please please review! XOXO.
It was late in the afternoon when Nate pulled into the harbor at Cuttyhunk. The sun was an orange-red, and was blazing over the calm water. It had been a relatively easy ride, with a few choppy areas here and there. Blair and Serena had fallen asleep when they were less than halfway there, and Nate knew that they would have some vicious hangovers when they woke up. Nate scampered forward on the boat to pick up an empty mooring. The boat stopped moving, and Nate breathed a sigh of relief. It was different sailing when it was just him. He didn't really care what happened and he took all the reckless shortcuts he could. With Blair and Serena, however, he was more careful and he was always worried that something would happen to the boat. He felt like he had to protect both of them, these beautiful girls who he loved.
Nate looked out at the shore, the white beaches that glistened pink in the afternoon light. He smiled, knowing that these beaches would hardly be this pristine later, when the party got started and everyone was out there dancing their hearts out. He knew that hungover or not, Serena would be the life of the party. They would all love her and she would love them. Maybe she would even find some guy and sneak off into the corner with him to share whispered words and a soft kiss. She would never do that with him.
It hurt just to look at her, snoozing on the enormous blue cushions on the deck, her blonde hair fanning out and her eyes softly closed. Blair was sleeping beside her, and Nate couldn't help but feel a little guilty when he saw the sweet smile on her sleeping face. She was so trusting and innocent and she had no idea what Serena made him feel. He couldn't hurt this girl. He knew she was more fragile than she looked on the outside. He knew a lot of things about Blair, but no one expected him to know them, so he didn't do anything about them.
He knew, first of all, that Blair lived in the shadow of her best friend. Serena was the queen, the most popular girl at Constance Billard. Blair was the slightly less pretty, less fun, less thin girl. It was always Serena and Blair, never Blair and Serena. Nate knew that, but he pretended not to.
He also knew why Blair spent so much time in the bathroom. She had her fingers rammed down her throat, trying to force herself to throw up anything she had just eaten. She had a problem and she needed help, but Nate didn't know what he could do to help her. So he never mentioned it.
He also knew that Blair's family was having problems. Her mother and father weren't in love anymore, and they were always fighting. That was why Blair always looked tired and worn-down these days. Nate knew that it was only a matter of time before Blair's family came apart, leaving her scared and alone in the middle. He knew he couldn't stop it, so he never tried to comfort her.
Nate also knew that he was what kept Blair going. She dreamed about him and fantasized about him. He was her prince, the only perfect thing in her not-so-perfect world. Blair didn't know how imperfect he really was, and if she did know, it would probably drive her over the edge.
Nate knew then that he couldn't leave her. If he broke her heart, there was nothing left for her. He would break apart the friendship of Blair and Serena and leave Blair entirely alone to deal with her problems. He never really helped her with them, but it was the least he could do just to be there for her. Even though Serena was broken and unhappy and yearning for love, Serena could find love and happiness with anyone. She didn't need him the way Blair did. And so, Nate decided, he had to stay with Blair, even if he was in love with her best friend. He couldn't break her any more than the world had already broken her.
When Blair woke up, the red sunlight made her head hurt. She shook her head, trying to clear her vision. She sat up, ignoring the throbbing and aching in her limbs, throat, and head. Beside her, Serena was sleeping. From the looks of it, she wouldn't be awake for a while. Blair looked around the boat and saw Nate standing in the front, gazing out at the island in front of her. She smiled. Now would be the perfect time to do what she had been hoping to do.
Blair crept up behind Nate and put her arms around him. He jumped a bit, but smiled when he saw that it was her. "Nate," she crooned, nervous tension suddenly rising in her stomach. "I've been wondering…"
It was several minutes later, when Nate was making out with Blair on her bed, that he realized he was supposed to be excited for this. His girlfriend wanted to do it with him. They were going to have sex. Somehow, Nate didn't feel the nervous excitement that he knew Blair was feeling. Nevertheless, he did his duty, and he began to pull off her clothes.
Blair was suddenly regretting all the sugar she had eaten over the last few days. She hoped Nate didn't think she was fat. But she threw herself into it, letting him peel off her blue dress. Suddenly she felt very naked, in nothing more than her lacy La Perla lingerie. Nate was taking off his own clothes too, his aqua polo shirt and khaki shorts. There he was, in nothing but his boxers. She drew her breath in. This was the boy she had been dating since kindergarten, the boy she was going to marry. He was beautiful.
Nate pulled Blair down on the bed, wanting to get it over with. He had never done it before, but he knew what to do. It was like an instinct almost. He kissed her softly because he knew that that was how she wanted to be kissed. He sat on top of her, a bit awkwardly, and began to do what came to mind. He felt like he was watching himself, watching as he removed Blair's bra and underwear, watching as he took off his own boxers, watching as the two of them were naked together, pressing against each other. He could feel Blair's eagerness and she flipped over on top of him. She straddled him the way people did in movies, and waited for him to respond. He touched her gently and murmured, "Are you sure you want to do this?"
Before she could say anything, a voice interrupted their intimate scene. "Blair? Natie? Hellooo?"
The door was pulled open, and Serena van der Woodsen stood, gaping, as Nate and Blair untangled in between the sheets. Nate immediately pulled away from Blair, feeling as though he had betrayed the beautiful blonde standing in the doorway. Blair stared at Serena, unable to help the anger that was rising in her chest. She couldn't believe that Serena had ruined their moment.
Serena stood, paralyzed, in the doorway. She felt a lump rising in her throat as she realized what she had just walked in on. Blair had been about to have sex with Nate, the one guy she was in love with. "Sorry," she mumbled, and slammed the door. Her heart was racing and she felt tears stinging her eyes. She had to get off this boat, get out of here. She felt sick with horror. It had always seemed like a fantasy to her, almost. She had always imagined that Nate wasn't really serious about Blair, that he would one day realize that he was in love with her. But now Serena had proof. Blair and Nate were really and truly in love and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She walked into her room and closed the door, sinking down onto the floor. She placed her head into her hands and began to cry over Nate Archibald, the one boy who didn't want her.
In Blair's room, Nate and Blair stood awkwardly, realizing how naked they were. Neither of them spoke, as they knew the moment had been killed. Nate wanted to go to Serena and tell her that it wasn't what it looked like and that it was her he wanted, but he was frozen. Blair was trying to calm herself and tell herself that Serena hadn't meant to interrupt them. Still, Blair was a it angry at her for walking in.
"So, um…" Nate said, aware that this was an awkward silence. "Do you want to keep…um…doing it?"
Blair shook her head. "Sorry, Nate. It's just…I want it to be right, you know. And that wasn't right."
Nate sighed, relieved. He really didn't want to have sex with Blair right now. "I know what you mean. Do you want to head down to my friends' house and see if there's a party going on?"
Blair thought for a moment. Her head really hurt, and she needed some time to think about everything. "I don't know, Nate. Maybe you should just go. I'm kind of tired and I want to rest here."
Nate nodded. "Okay. I'll see if Serena wants to come."
Suddenly Blair regretted not going to the party with him, but she wasn't one to change her mind. Why didn't she want Serena to go to the party with Nate, anyway? It would be better than having her around here, stumbling in and asking lots of questions about what she had just seen. "Cool," Blair said, although it really wasn't. "I'll see you later."
"All right," he said, pecking her on the cheek. He walked out of her room and walked over to where Serena was staying. He knocked on her door, gently. "Serena? It's me, Nate."
Serena jumped up from where she had been sitting. Damn. She looked in the little mirror above her bureau. Her eyes were rimmed red from tears, and her face was wet. "One sec," she called, aware that he voice was tight from sobbing.
She splashed water on her face and dried her eyes. Nate couldn't know that she had been crying. She plastered her best smile on her face and answered her door. "Hey," she said. "Sorry about…you know."
"It's all right," Nate said, meaning it. He looked closely at Serena and noticed that her eyes were red. She had looked like this when they were little and she had dropped her ice cream cone on the ground and burst into tears. Why would she have been crying, though? He looked her over again, concerned. "Are you okay?"
Serena both loved and hated the fact that he could immediately tell that something was wrong. She was lucky that he couldn't tell what it was, though. "Me? I'm fine. Just having, you know, allergies."
It was not a convincing lie, even to her, but Nate didn't press it. "So, Blair wants to rest, but I was going to head over to my friends' house. I've know them forever, the Victors, and they've always got a party going on during the summer. Do you want to come with me?"
Serena' heart skipped a beat, and she would have liked to pretend that Nate was really asking her to come with him, to be his date for the night. She knew, however, that that was not the case, and that he was simply asking her out of politeness. He was probably pissed at her anyway, for walking in on his sex with Blair. Still, she didn't want to miss out on a party with Natie. "Sure," she said. "Just give me a minute to change."
Serena rummaged through the suitcase that she had not yet unpacked. She found a garnet-purple Dior dress. It was cut low, and highlighted her cleavage. It was also short enough to make her colt-like legs look even longer and skinnier. It was strappy and gorgeous and totally her. She slipped it on, along with a pair of black satin heels. Running a brush through her straight, white-gold locks, and dabbing a bit of bronzer on her naturally tan cheeks, she tried to force herself to forget about her misery. Nate and Blair are in love, she told herself. You should be happy for them and try not to stand in their way.
She stepped out of her room and waved at Nate, who was dressed in a polo shirt and shorts. Now that she had seen him wearing nothing, it was hard not to think of his tight muscles and gorgeous body. She shook her head, however, and went to knock timidly on Blair's door.
"Come in," Blair called.
Serena stepped in, looking down at her best friend. She was lying on her bed, reading Elle. "I'm sorry about earlier," Serena said. "I didn't mean to, you know, interrupt that."
Blair looked up at her beautiful best friend and found it hard to hold a grudge against her. "It's ok," Blair sighed. "Knock next time, though. And have fun partying the night away. Keep an eye on Natie, though, will you? Just in case."
"Sure," Serena replied, a bit confused. Natie? That was what confused her most about that statement. Natie had always been what she called him. Why was Blair using her nickname for him? And why would Blair be worried about him when he was so obviously crazy about her? Well, she would at least take her friend's advice and enjoy herself at the party tonight. Maybe she would even find a guy who could make her forget about her love for Nate. "G'night."
She stepped out of Blair's room. "I'm ready." Serena was conscious of Nate's eyes on her, looking her up and down. It made her feel embarrassed, almost naked, in the intensity of his gaze. "She giggled self-consciously. "What?" she asked.
"Nothing," Nate said, breaking his gaze. He said it in a way that made it seem like there was definitely something. "Let's go."
"How are we going to get to the island?" asked Serena.
"I have a little rowboat that I keep near the stern of the boat," he replied. Seeing Serena's confused look, he clarified. "The stern is the back of the boat."
She nodded and Nate walked ahead to take the rowboat out of its storage area. They were both quietly thinking their own thoughts as they stepped into the little boat. Nate picked up the oars and began to row steadily toward Cuttyhunk. The sound of the oars churning the water was calming and soothing to both of them. Nate found the courage inside of him to ask the question he had been thinking about. "Why were you crying earlier?"
Serena looked up, startled. "What?"
"I'm not an idiot, Serena. I know when something's wrong. You've been upset for a while now. It's not like you at all and it's worrying me," Nate blurted out, surprised at his own frankness.
Serena looked away, unsure how she ought to answer. The truth was rising in her throat, but then she remembered the brunette lying in her bed. Blair trusted her. She couldn't betray her like that. A tight smile crept onto her lips. "Really, Natie, I'm fine. I'm great."
Nate was silent again, unsatisfied by her answer. He could feel the intensity of the summer air. The heat molecules seemed to vibrate against each other, even as the sun sank below the horizon. The world felt like it was on the brink of an explosion, as though everything was about to burst. Luckily, the sound of laughter floated out from the beach. People were spilling out onto the shoreline, holding beers and stereos and everything else necessary for a party.
Serena's eyes brightened. "Wow," she said, laughing. "I can see why you love it here."
The rowboat hit the sand with a thump, and Serena and Nate hopped out onto the wet sand. She slipped a little as her heel sunk down, and he reached out his hand to steady her on her feet. Her heart fluttered as she looked up at him. She would have been happy to stay here forever. Their eyes met and it was like a shock of electricity ran through them. His hand lingered on her arm and her heart fluttered as Nate bent down, slowly toward her. Suddenly, a voice cried, "Nate! My man, is that you?"
Too quickly, Nate dropped her arm and shot up. He couldn't believe that he'd almost just kissed his girlfriend's best friend. He saw Charlie, the eldest of the Victor boys, standing in front of him. "Hey, Charlie! Long time no see."
Serena swayed on her feet again, wondering if she had just imagined what had happened. She watched as Nate and Charlie talked for a little while. She kicked off her shoes and through them in the rowboat.
"So who's your date?" Charlie asked, eyeing Serena.
"Oh, it's not a date," Nate said quickly. Charlie raised his eyebrows, suddenly more interested in the stunning blonde who was removing her high heels. Serena looked up at Charlie, who was handsome in a Calvin Klein advertisement sort of way. "Serena, this is Charlie Victor. Charlie, Serena's my best friend from New York."
Serena stuck out her hand, suddenly reminded of the fact that she and Nate were best friends, not lovers. "Nice to meet you."
"Very nice to meet you," Charlie said. "Do you want a drink or something?"
Serena looked at Charlie again. His hair was blonder than Nate's, and his eyes were blue. He looked almost like he could be her brother, with his pointed nose and tanned skin. Still, he was a guy and a pretty hot guy. He might just be the distraction she needed. "A drink sounds like a very good idea," Serena replied, flashing him her famous smile.
Nate watched Charlie hitting on Serena and he almost wished he had said it was a date. But it was too late, as he could see from the way Charlie placed his hand on Serena's back. He watched as they drank a beer together, laughing and chatting. He should have known that Serena would find a guy at this party. He needed something hard to drink, now.
It was an hour later, while Nate was downing his third or fourth beer (he wasn't sure which, as the alcohol blurred the lines), when a tipsy Charlie and a very drunk Serena stumbled over to where he was sitting. She threw her arms around him, her long hair flying everywhere. For the second time that day, Serena van der Woodsen was incredibly drunk. "Natie!" she cried. "Where've you been? I have'n' seen you at allllll!"
"She's right, my man. What're you doing all alone over here? You wan' me to 'troduce you to some girls? Thanks for bringin' this one, by the way," Charlie said.
Nate looked at Serena, who had stopped embracing him and who was now dancing a little jig in the sand. "No problem," he lied. "But I have a girlfriend, you know that."
"Her name's Blairrr," Serena slurred. "An' he's in love with her."
Abruptly, Nate stood up. "Serena, I have to get back to the boat. Do you want to come?"
Charlie shot him an angry look, but Nate ignored it. He had to get out of here.
"Aww, Natiiiie. Don't ruin the party," Serena said, spinning around in her purple dress. "Let's dance!"
Before Nate knew it, he was out in the middle of the beach with Serena. She placed her hands on his shoulders and he felt himself automatically placing him on her waist. Around them, couples were dancing, their bodies undulating in time with the music that blasted from someone's speaker. It was a song Nate had heard before but couldn't place. He felt his body press against Serena's, letting her lead him and leading her in turn. It was blissful, perfect, just to be here, dancing with her.
What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive.
Serena was drunk, but she knew what she was doing. She was staring at Nate, dancing with him at a beach party, slowly. He was a good dancer, relaxed but firm, and they danced well together. She could feel everyone's eyes on them, and she knew they all thought that her and Nate were a golden, beautiful couple. For this moment in time, Serena let herself imagine that it was true.
I can't keep upAnd I can't back down
I've been losing so much time
Nate felt the connection with Serena, the electric feeling that passed between them every time they touched. Could she feel it too? He had never really seen her dance like this, so slowly and sweetly. She was always dancing wildly, swaying her hips. But she was letting him hold her, move her, as they swayed gently. In the background, her heard the ocean, crashing on the shore. He knew him life was complicated and that there was a lot to deal with, but for now, he could just be here with the girl he loved.
'Cause there's youAnd me
And all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
"Natie," Serena murmured. "Can I ask you something?"
He nodded, feeling the best of her heart against his chest. They were so tangled up in each other now, with her arms around his neck and his arms around her back. It was insane.
"If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?" Serena whispered, realizing after she said it how drunk she sounded. She didn't even know where that question had come from, and what it meant, but it had come out of her mouth and she wanted an answer.
And there's youAnd me
And all of the people
And I don't know why,
But I can't keep my eyes off of you.
Nate looked at her, with her big navy eyes that were hiding her secret fragility. The world was empty except for her and him. All those other people in the background became nothing and it was just the two of them, together. "This," he whispered, pulling her into him and kissing her soft lips.
All of the things I wanted to say
Just aren't coming out right.
I'm tripping on words,
You've got my head spinning,
I don't know where to go from here.
They both felt it immediately, the intensity of the connection. Nate remembered how Blair tasted, like strawberries and gingerbread and home, and then he thought about this. Serena tasted like sunshine and stolen moments and indescribable freedom and everything in the world that was beautiful and wonderful.
'Cause there's you
And me
And all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove,
And there's you
And me
And all of the people
And I don't know why,
But I can't keep my eyes off of you.
Serena was literally swept off her feet by the surprising, beautiful kiss that Nate was sharing with her. She weakened against him, her limbs losing their feeling and her body becoming limp. It didn't matter, though, because Nate was holding her.