The Orks of Tam'urt

If yer waz ter evuh ask someones what does Orkses do best, den yer prob'ly get dis: "Dey fights real good!" 'N, "Dey'z real good at bashin', stabbin', stompin', chompin' an' dey'z mean, too!"

Yup. We lives ter fight, we does! Da whole lot'v us, from da runts to da big squig eataz, like da big WAAGH! Boss and dem Nobz! Hur, hur… Even all da way ta dis 'ere muck 'ole planet. Even if it means fightin' uver Orkses. Anyways, if yer like, can I tellz ya a story? If ya can't read den SHUT YA YAP 'OLE! (Coz dis is a story abouts stabby, bashy, explody, shooty, funny stuffs but mostly it's 'bout how we wentz to da big WAAAAGH!). It all started like dis…

Prologue:'Ow It All Began

Say of Da Day: "I's'll make somefin' ta shut ya gab, how's dat sound?" – Grug (aka "Grudge")

Mumzy was very good at telling other Orks (and their cousin species) what to do; she was an extremely large Nob who was more than capable of putting even the most brutish of her brethren into line. She had been to many battles, and stomped on many heads – she had an entire room dedicated to her favourite waagh trophies inside her hut (unfortunately, there were few skulls thanks to her stompyness).

Ever since Hargut's accident, producing meat for "da boyz" was at the top of her to-do list (…okay, so maybe beating up trespassers came in equal first). Initially the Nob was quite offended when her Waaghboss retired her to such an offensively dull and uneventful task. It took Waaghboss Gotshik Buguts Frag'ead over twelve hours to convince Mumzy that "feedin' da boyz" was as important as beating the living hell out of their enemies.

Truth be told, it wasn't – but Gotshik knew it was getting to a point where Mumzy was causing more casualties in their tribe than in the enemies, and something had to be done (without causing more casualties… Mumzy was a very temperamental Ork who got offended easily).

Hargut, a warbiker, had been ordered to drive Mumzy and a small Ork yoof named Jamz to Tam'urt where Gotshik's tribe owned a small squig farm. Mumzy had demanded that Jamz go with her; Gotshik wisely allowed the yoof to go so as to avoid another argument with the moody Nob. One less yoof was nothing to worry about; there were plenty more to swell the ranks of his army.

Jamz had been spawned from Mumzy's spores (it was pure coincidence the pair ever met at all); unlike boy Orks, who released a trickle of Orkoid fungal spores during their lives and a mass of spores when they died, 'girls' released copious amounts of spores while alive and healthy; to do so required a change in body chemicals, resulting in unusually violent or strange moods, even for an Ork. The increased spore production made girls smell a little mouldy or dusty, and taxed their bodies, making them grow slower. This stunted growth rate, combined with ever increasingly grizzly aggression, mood swings comparable if not worse than a Madboy's, and the mouldy smell that eventually came from large girls, was the prime indicators or girlishness. Sometimes, these Orks were called Girlboys; an Ork was still 'wun ov da boyz' even if they were a little weird smelling, and a tad bit pushy for their size. Apart from this, there was very little difference between Ork boys and Ork girls physically.

To accommodate the giant Nob and Jamz, the head of the Meks modified Hargut's bike. It was fitted with a side cart, a more powerful engine, and a reinforced frame. The journey took a full week of almost solid driving along a well-worn trader's route which passed through the mountains, over the grasslands and into the dessert. Hargut had been chosen for the journey because he was less likely to be throttled by Mumzy – many of the Ork warbikers had crossed the Nob from time to time, and Mumzy had the memory of an elephant. It was not unlike her to get back at an Ork who had stirred her up many months, even years, in the past.

On arrival at the squig farm, Hargut had hung around for a few days to recuperate (get drunk at the local pub and eat lots of squig pie). He would never return to his tribe; he was prevented from doing so when he was involved in a bike accident.

He had driven back to the squig farm one afternoon; as he went to pull up in the garage, his brakes failed and he and his bike drove through the wall and into a junk pile – Hargut had been speared in the head by a metal pole. There wasn't any Doks close enough to save him, and thus Hargut died due to severe lack of grey matter (most of it was stuck on the end of the pole).

Mumzy dragged Hargut's crumpled bike back into the garage, where it sat for many years to come, and remorselessly fed his body to the squigs. After that day, Mumzy took control of the squig farm.

Previously, Slavers and their mobs of Gretchin had tended to the beasts. The Slavers didn't argue with Mumzy taking charge but were not so keen on the idea. However, within several months to a year later, the farm's production had increased three fold and the Slavers quickly agreed that Mumzy was the best thing that had happened to the farm. The increased productivity was due to three things: Hargut's death, which triggered a massive release of spores, Mumzy's formidable presence which deterred would-be thieves and helped prevent dissention, and her own spores.

Hargut's spores produced mainly fungus with which to feed the squigs, more Gretchin with which to tend the squigs, and even more squigs. In later years, his remaining dormant spores would grow into cocoons which gave birth to baby Orks. Mumzy kept a close eye on the Ork yoofs, and kept them at the farm.

Jamz had grown into a large Nob with a temper almost as hot as Mumzy's. Thanks to the squig farm, he was able to buy the most luxurious items his tribe could provide, including mega armour. He often went back to Gotshik's tribe to participate in battles but he always returned during the peaceful (boring) times to the farm; the local pub was entertaining at any time of the year. After one particularly long and brutal waagh with the Goffs, Jamz returned to find Mumzy had the company of several Ork yoofs; many of which mysteriously disappeared soon after his return. Jamz completely denied having anything to do with these disappearances, and also declined being jealous that Mumzy had her attention divided (if you call a catastrophic violence attention).

Two yoofs survived during the whole time Jamz was at the farm; one was an Ork with an uncanny ability to stitch their cuts closed and enjoyed dissecting the squigs (she soon moved onto Gretchin). Mumzy saw the yoof to be a potential Dok and kept a close eye on it – Doks were few and far between in Tam'urt. The second grew several years after, in the sidecart of Hargut's bike. After fixing the wiring of Jamz' faulty mega armour, he decided the youngest yoof might be worth keeping around and stopped trying to feed it to the squigs.

As the two yoofs grew, Mumzy was pleased with their progress; the elder of the two was indeed a Mad Dok, and had proven useful in stitching up hurt squigs, Gretchin and Slavers. Shortly after growing big enough to see over the handle bars and lift a five-foot spanner without braining herself, the younger yoof had made a hobby out of Hargut's busted bike. The two spore-brethren had girl tendencies, and so Mumzy soon named them accordingly: Cezzy-Po and Brudz; Sufficiently Orky, and yet satisfactorily suitable for girls.

Cezzy-Po and Jamz went to their first battle together when Brudz was still too young to get involved (according to Mumzy). The Mega Nob showed little compassion towards the Dok and the two didn't get along very well. Most of their time with the tribe was spent as far as away from each other as possible.

One fateful day in the climax of the waagh, Jamz hobbled back to camp with a terrible injury. His armour was torn open and his guts hung out; the tribe only had two other Doks besides Cezzy-Po, and both were no where to be seen; it was later revealed they had passed out from testing their experimental anaesthetic and sedatives on each other.

Seeing an opportunity the trainee Dok got to work putting Jamz' guts back where they should be. Jamz recovered within a day (Orks being naturally quick healers are never really bed bound from illness and injury) and ever since, treated her like a friend and claimed her to be his spore sister... not that anyone could prove, or disprove, such a claim. Cezzy's plan had worked perfectly, and she no longer feared being stomped on or eaten. Thanks to Jamz' sudden change of heart, Cezzy-Po had also found that the harassment from the larger Orks had also reduced – they feared the wrath of Jamz, and decided it was better to push someone else around for fun instead.

A few weeks after the battle was over, the two returned to Tam'urt on a trukk which was going to the farm to collect a fresh load of squigs. As was usual with his stays with the tribe, Jamz had filled Gotshik in on how the farm and Mumzy was going prior to leaving. It was the first time Jamz had mentioned the existence of his sort-of-siblings; Cezzy-Po (who was previously reported to be an Ork Jamz picked up on the way to the waagh when they arrived) and Brudz. Gotshik was pleased with the news of the young Dok and Mek (if inwardly annoyed Jamz kept this to himself until now).

When Jamz returned home, he passed on the usual message from Gotshik to Mumzy: Battle went well, many heads were stomped, and everyone's bellies were full. He then listed the deaths of Orks known to Mumzy for the sake of making her feel not so faraway from her tribe (which often helped prevent her monsterous bad moods), and gave her some gifts from the tribe (mainly more Gretchin, a Slaver or two, crates f beer, and some souvenirs from the waagh).

Brudz, the young Mek, had grown considerably taller during her elder siblings' absence; she was now as big as Cezzy-Po, but her isolation from the tribe and lack of battle experience left her slightly ignorant to certain matters of life and Ork Kulture. Mumzy decided that it was best 'for the sake of the tribe' if all three Orks left home and joined the tribe forever (well, that's what she told herself; secretly, she knew it was for the best of Jamz and the Oddgirls, as well as the farm itself). She suspected Brudz might not take well to moving away – the Mek seemed quite content to lock herself up in the garage and tinker about for hours on end. Mumzy devised a cunning plan that would begin with the start of the next waagh.