A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face

Munkustrap lay curled in his box, unmoving, uncaring, blank and cold. These days the junkyard and its activities held no joy, no appeal for him. There were even moments when he wished they'd all go away for a while, so he could be alone. Solitude was the only state in which he felt even remotely at ease.

The reason for all this? Well, he'd rather not talk about it. He already thought about it ceaselessly. It wasn't healthy, and he knew it. But who cared about any of that, when the only queen he'd ever loved was-

No. He wouldn't think it.

He couldn't.

That was too much pain for one weary tabby to handle.

A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

Oh, he knew the others were worried about him. Jennyanydots, bless her, fussed day and night. He'd heard her arguing with Skimbleshanks a few nights ago.

"Jen, luv, listen to me. The lad's in no condition right now to be petted like one of the kits."

"But Skimble!" The marmalade queen's whisper was almost too loud to be classified as such. "He hasn't eaten in days. He needs some sustenance before he withers away to nothing. His tail hasn't even been treated and-"

"I know," the orange tabby cut in. "Just give that poor tom some breathing room, will you? And before you protest, just leave the mouse for now."

Sure enough, a rather plump rodent had been left outside the box when Munku looked out several hours later. He'd only eaten it to please the Gumbie Cat; every mouthful had tasted like ashes. In the same vein he'd allowed her to bandage his injured tail. Let Jenny worry a little less. She didn't need to waste energy fretting over him; she'd been hurt a lot more than he had, anyway. She should rest.

And besides, her mate was still alive.

Then there was Jemima. She shouldn't be worrying either. That poor kit would end up as nervous as- well, as his lost queen if she kept berating herself. The last thing anyone needed was another skittish Jellicle.

Although, a tiny part of him kept sniping that it was her fault, so why should he care if she became a nervous wreck? Munkustrap wished that part of him would shut up for good. But it kept piping up, every once in a while. Still, it was ridiculous to blame this loss on one kitten's unfortunate circumstance.

She wouldn't want him to.

And she was the most important thing, now more than ever.

But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

Copper blushes…inky eyes…sunlight playing off her fur, gold off gold, marbled with ebony. They were almost of age, playing tag. They were exchanging smiles across the junkyard. They were dancing together for the first time, paw in paw.

"Listen, I…I have something I'd like to ask you."

"Yes?"

"De…Demeter, will you…will you be my mate?"

The moment was frozen. Her face registered shock, then slow acceptance, slowly lighting up with the most radiant smile. Nothing could ruin it. Nothing. Nothing…

Nothing but Pollicles. Everywhere.

"Cover my back and I'll cover yours!" Biting, scratching, slashing, punching, feeling her back against his. They were a team. They would keep each other safe. The junkyard would stay in one piece. And after this was over, they'd choose a den together…

"Jem's in trouble! I'm going to help her!"

"Dem, no!"

"I'll be all right, darling, don't worry!"

Their first kiss. Why did it have to be so brief? –No, no. Must keep fighting. Please, Everlasting Cat, keep her safe. Please…

Too many of them. Damn beasts, do they appear out of thin air? But I can't stand not knowing what's happening to her. Must get to her…

The world spinning. Light fading. Darkness. No…

Munkustrap jerked awake. The silence outside his box, broken by a whimper, had woken him. Moments later, he heard a familiar chime in the distance. Was it one AM, or one-thirty? At any rate, he knew he had to hurry. There was an engagement he must keep.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

He knew the way by heart, and still the silver tabby hurried. Not soon enough, the yellow stone came into view. Hardly acknowledging his breathless state, he dropped onto his knees beside the mound of earth after the last lightning steps. "I'm here," he gasped. "I'm here, Demeter." His traitor lungs would not let him say any more for a few moments, greedily sucking in air. When they allowed him to speak again at last, he couldn't begin. There was so much he needed to say, and no way to say everything. "I was almost late tonight. Blame my selfish eyes for falling shut so long. But believe me, nothing would have kept me from missing this time for us." He paused. "I miss you. But you knew that."

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

"I know I have some time before Bomba gets here. She misses you too. She really does. She says she's even dreamed about you, though it was a nightmare. She feels so guilty for not having fought by your side. I try to tell her you'd forgive her for that. I'm not sure she believes me." Munkustrap sighed, placing a paw on the headstone. "I dream about you too. Only you're always smiling at me. Or dancing…dancing with me."

The yellow stone gleamed in the moonlight. She had had so many happy memories around this stone, from what Bombalurina had told him. They'd shared secrets and played hide-and-seek, all that sort of thing. Munku wondered if she and Bomba had sometimes discussed their crushes- no doubt they had- while sunning on the very rock that now sat beneath his paw. He wondered what she had said about him. Maybe Bomba had teased her for mooning after the same tom for so long without saying anything.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello

"I don't blame you for waiting so long to let me know how you felt," he told her now. "It was sort of my fault anyway. I could have said something, but I didn't."

He could only feel anything when he was here. Even his box was just a place to sleep, now. It was only here that his heart stirred at all to life. Anywhere else, he was just empty and cold. But sitting here beside her, he could breathe. He could laugh a little. He could…

He could cry.

And did, now. Never mind that Bomba was late. He needed this time alone, to be with her, the only queen he would ever love. "I wish you hadn't left me when you did," he choked. "I wish you hadn't left at all."

I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

Who needed life, anyway? Ever since she- she- Without her, everything was lightless. And things weren't looking better, no matter how hard he hoped.

Suddenly, it occurred to Munkustrap that Old Deuteronomy hadn't yet made this year's Jellicle Choice. Unexpected battles tended to derail that sort of thing, and the injuries the tribe had received made it even less of an issue in the face of healing. Still, perhaps there was a way to persuade his father to…Wait, no. What was he thinking? His father would never send someone to the Heaviside "with so much life left to live." He could hear the old tom now- those were probably the exact words he'd use when refusing Munku's request. Even though Deuteronomy no doubt knew- must have some idea- that the one thing his son needed most right now was to be with her- face to face- once more.

The tabby's tears stopped. He now knew what he had to do. It all depended on whether the nearby piles of junk would prove useful for once…Turning to scan them, the starlight glistened on glass. A bottle! Was it broken? "Excuse me for just a moment," he told her before rising and going over to inspect the find. Ah, excellent, some jagged edges revealed the bottle to be in just the state he needed.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls\When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

Plucking the precious object from its place on a leaking cushion, Munkustrap paused a moment. Would his love want to see this? Probably not. He decided not to return to his spot directly beside the sacred yellow stone. He could speed his journey to the Heaviside right here and now. "I'll be with you soon," he breathed to her, knowing she could hear him as long as the stone was in sight.

His love for her was everything. It filled him. It was the only thing keeping him going. And it was what drove him now to raise the bottle high and plunge it deep into his wrist. As he pulled it out, the rush of blood bathed him in metallic warmth. Is it supposed to happen this fast? he wondered, noticing how quickly his head was becoming light and his vision was darkening. As he felt himself topple to the ground, he thought he heard a scream and paw-steps running toward him. "I'm…coming…" he gasped before passing out completely.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me

Two days later

The tabby's ears pricked up feebly. Somewhere in the darkness there were words being spoken. Words that seemed to be about him.

"He hasn't woken up yet?" a tiny voice questioned, sounding close to tears.

"No Jemima," sighed a second voice, this one sounding much older and wearier.

"I swear I'm going to strangle him if he doesn't…" a third voice muttered.

"And I'll strangle you if you do," the second voice returned.

"Look!" The first voice gasped. "His eyes…"

Slowly, Munkustrap opened his eyes. "The Heaviside Layer looks awfully familiar," he croaked. "Anyone seen Demeter around?"

"Oh Munku!" A calico arm flung itself across his chest, hints of deep reddish pink showing in among the dark brown and black patches. The sobs that shook it, and his bed, must be Jemima's.

"I wouldn't cry so hard just yet, Jemi," came the third of the voices he'd heard in the darkness. A scarlet face came into view above him, wearing a strangled expression somewhere between intense pain and great anger. "Wait till he actually does go to the Heaviside Layer. Which he will in a minute!" Suddenly the face- Bombalurina's- was shouting. "How could you even THINK of doing that to us!" she ranted. "We've already lost Demeter! Everyone's just trying to recover, and they DON'T need to be mourning anyone else! Poor Jenny here hasn't slept since I dragged your sorry carcass in here, Everlasting Cat only knows why I did! Anyone who would try and end their own life is so selfish they don't deserve this help! And the last cat I ever expected to do that is you-"

The scarlet queen's loud rant was suddenly ended by a slap. "Bombalurina," Jennyanydots said in deadly tones, moments away from yelling herself. "Control yourself. And if you can't, then leave."

Jemima's sobs had petered out somewhere in the middle of all Bomba's shouts. She watched the fuming queen storm out of the room, tears starting to flow down her cheeks, then turned her own tearstained face to the marmalade cat who stood at the foot of Munku's bed. "Jenny?" the calico princess asked softly. "Should I leave too?"

"No, you can stay and help," Jen told her, softening in light of the little kit's quiet deference. "I need to change the bandages on this cut of his. Just-"

"-get fresh ones and some water?" Jemi finished.

Jenny smiled at this. "Yes dear, do." As the calico moved toward the other end of the room, Jen turned to the silver tabby and her smile disappeared. Moving to the chair beside his bed, the marmalade queen told him, "Bombalurina may have been speaking in anger, but she was undoubtedly right about some things. Trying to join Demeter in the Heaviside Layer in that way was, indeed, very selfish of you."

"I didn't-" Munkustrap began.

"-think it was a bad thing? Of course it would have been. Where would this junkyard be without a protector? And what do you think it would have done to the rest of us? We've already lost one cat," Jennyanydots scolded in a whisper. "We don't need to lose two."

"I couldn't stand being apart from her any longer."

The Gumbie Cat couldn't help softening at this. "I know. But she'll have other lives, dear, and you ought to be the first to welcome her when she comes back."

"Here's the bandages and the water, ma'am," Jemima piped from the foot of the bed.

"Good, bring them here," Jenny told her. Taking the medical supplies, she added, "Now go and try to sleep a little, won't you?"

Jemi nodded and quietly left, with one last look at the silver tabby.

"Okay, I'm going to sit you up." The marmalade queen put bandages and water bowl in her lap before doing this very gingerly, propping the pillows behind him. "Now just hold still."

For a while, silence reigned as Jenny removed the old bandages, sponged the deep cut carefully, and wound fresh cloths around Munku's wrist. As she laid him down again, the tabby spoke. "I'm sorry."

"Good to know, dear." The Gumbie Cat's motherly, soothing smile returned in full.

"Would you tell Bomba and the others for me?"

"Certainly." Jen's voice was soft as she noticed his eyelids fluttering. "Do you think you'd like to sleep a bit more?" she asked.

Munku would have answered, but he was out already. And a familiar pale gold face, Jenny was sure, waited for him in his dreams.

END

A/N: This story ran away from me, really it did. I was just going to make it a songfic during Munku and Bomba's year of mourning (see my fic "Aftermath"), just going to have our dear tabby pal talking to his love's gravestone. His suicide attempt came out of nowhere, I swear. Grief makes we sentient beings do some very foolish things…R&R, please? I love hearing what readers think.