ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT

CHAPTER 21 : EPIPHANY

ENNIS POV

June 6th, 1984. (Wednesday)

Ennis woke up and blinked while shutting off the alarm with an automatic swipe of his hand.

So, 40 years old, huh.

He stretched and sat up on the edge of the bed, then opened the nightstand drawer and took Jack's last card out. It had been in the stack of mail he had fetched in his mailbox last Friday, but he had waited for today to open the for-once-closed envelop, easily guessing its content. And yeah, of course, it was a birthday card. Ennis grinned as he flipped it over quickly to read Jack's words.

"Happy birthday Cowboy! Just don't do the math and you'll be alright. I'll call (late enough)."

Ennis smiled to himself; then to Jack, letting his hand close around and slide down the sleeve of Jack's shirt, as usual hanging on the chair nearby, within his reach.

"Thanks, Bud."

Then Ennis sighed.

If only...

It would have been nice if Jack had been here today. Ennis always daydreamed about Jack suddenly turning up around at his birthday — probably because Jack had sort of been the best birthday present he had ever gotten, and so the one he always longed for, he guessed.(*AN 1) But this year, it was different. This time, for the first time, Jackknew it was his birthday today. So in a way, it was nice; knowing that Jack was thinking about him, for sure. But in another way, it just made him miss having Jack around even more than usual...

He knew, though, that Jack would have made the trip, middle of the week or not, if Bobby's last game of the season hadn't been tonight. But Jack had never missed it, and Ennis had insisted months ago on Jack keeping up his family tradition and just coming over for the week-end. And he still stood by that decision now, no matter how much he longed for Jack… Anyway, he was used to waiting, huh. So he should survive 'till the week-end. Right?

Ennis put the card back in the drawer and picked up the picture of Jack from the photo booth, back in January; his only picture of Jack. He often took a look at it, of course, but since his return from Childress, it had taken an extra meaning. It made him feel warm, knowing that his own photos were in exactly the same place, miles and miles away.

He had seen them at Jack's, on Saturday morning, as he had scanned the room while Jack had still been asleep – Jack had apparently, in his hurry, left his drawer inadvertently open while taking the lube out the night before. So later on, when Jack had gone to the bathroom, Ennis had taken the opportunity to get a closer look at those two strips of himself.

And he hadn't been able not to notice exactly how he looked on the pictures of one of them. Was it always written all over his face like that? He looked... it was difficult to tell — it wasn't just happy, or peaceful, or anything...

He looked complete. No other way to say it.

There had been one photo missing on that same strip, and Ennis had easily guessed then where that last photo must be: in Jack's wallet. But he had remembered it wasn't in plain sight either — because he had seen the inside of Jack's wallet not so long ago, on that afternoon with his girls — and so he'd been able to relish that knowledge without reservations.

And he still relished it now.

Finally, Ennis let his thumb wander over Jack's face once, then put the photo back in the drawer too and closed it.

Time to get to work, del Mar.

His bones might be officially one year older, but they were still strong enough, you bet, and he wanted to prove it, if only to himself.

Ennis had never been the partying kind and had said so several times, but he had been sure the girls would have something up their sleeves for him anyway, as he had told Jack. And, well, of course, they had had. He had come back from the ranch to find Alma's car in the drive, parked Junior-style, and the two of them both proudly smiling in his kitchen, meal — dessert included: his favorite cake, without candles, "Thanks, girls!", but with the number 40 iced on top — ready and all. And it had been sweet, for sure.

Once the girls were gone, Ennis let himself fall on his couch and sat there for some time, doing nothing else than staring at the wall in front of him. Like anyone on a birthday ending with a 0, Ennis couldn't help but think some about his life: where he had come from, where he was now, and which direction he wanted to sail to...

His first of those so-particular 0 birthdays hadn't been the happy feast he knew it was supposed to be.

Ennis was by then no longer a child already; all innocence lost months before when he had understood the true harsh reality of the world. Ennis had always known that the law of the strongest ruled not only the animal world but the human world too. And he knew that people killed, not only animals for food or skin, but each other too, for power or territory or any other, somehow explainable, even if wrong, reason.

But he hadn't realized that their violence could also be unjustified and unjustifiable — no matter his father's obvious approval — until he had seen one man that he knew had never done anyone harm ripped apart in a ditch. Killed, just because he lived differently.

The death of his parents, a few years later, had been a much harder, life-changing blow — emotional in the case of his mother, pragmatic in the case of his father. But that vision of Earl was still the milestone by which Ennis dated the end of his childhood.

The second one, he had spent pretending to be joyful, with a radiant and pregnant Alma by his side; while his mind was even more full of Jack than it had been during the months before, because of the now double birthday meaning, probably.

Reliving in his head any detail of that summer together… Hell, by then, he'd even reached the point of wondering what, if any, Jack's feelings for him had been. And wishing, knowing that he couldn't wish for the world to be different, that at least he could be different — or, better said, 'normal' —; knowing how true, no matter how shameful, his feelings for Jack had been.

And had still been, even a year later, obviously. Musing about Jack all day, damn well knowing that wondering about 'what if' or 'if only' neither could nor would change anything anyway because Jack was now lost to him, and feeling bad about it because his life should make him happy enough as it was — a roof above his head, enough food on the table, and a loving wife, pregnant with his child; what more should he wish for, really…

His turning 30 had been somehow easier, Alma being by then of course not really in the mood for any kind of real celebration either anymore, which had allowed him to brood all he wanted after a simple and quickly-eaten cake with the girls.

The brooding, though, hadn't got easier in 10 years. On the contrary. Because no matter how truly happy he was to have Jack back in his life, it also made things worse. Because it had been less painful when he had had only his own dreams and regrets to deal with. Now, he was responsible for Jack's too; and knowing he couldn't give Jack more than what he already did, he sometimes wondered if it wouldn't in fact be better for Jack, in the end, if they stopped seeing each other. And he couldn't help but wince every time, knowing well enough that he would never be able to break up with Jack, and feeling guilty over being that selfish.

And it had only gotten worse and worse and worse afterwards, the following years being a long downwards spiral of hurt and despair, from his divorce 'till the fiasco of their last camping trip.

So, the past was mostly dark — dull and grey at its best. And the contrast with how he felt this time was astonishing. Because the present was much, MUCH more vivid, you bet. And, moreover, he believed the future could get even brighter still.

Ennis couldn't help it: he smiled. He realized he was smiling a lot lately, and smiled even wider.

He still had that smile on his face when he heard the phone ring later on, and he went to answer it, full of expectations, but prudent anyway.

"Del Mar speaking."

"Happy birthday, Cowboy."

His smile widened again in automatic response to Jack's voice at the other end of the line, and Ennis leaned his back against the wall, his body finding the standing position it had already learned as the most relaxed and comfortable one for a phone call with Jack.

"Thanks, Rodeo." Then, as usual not so keen on being in any spotlight, Ennis changed the subject, asking matter-of-factly, "So, how was the game?"

He heard Jack sigh.

"They lost."

"Sorry for Bobby."

"Well, you can't win all the time, huh, and everyone needs to be reminded about that simple fact once in a while. He's feeling pretty low right now, but he'll get over it soon enough." Then Jack's tone turned more teasing. "But tell me, how was your day…"

Ennis's smile lingered for the whole conversation, until Jack confirmed once more his next planned visit as he said good bye: "See you on Friday."

"Yeah."

Silence set in, while Jack probably contemplated the same thought he did: two days… so short, yet so long…

"Can't wait."

Ennis heard Jack's surprised intake of breath at his confession and probably blushed some, but decided it had been more than worth it when Jack's very serious voice softly reached his ears.

"Me neither... Actually, I'm wearing your shirt right now... Bye, Ennis."

"Jack…"

Ennis hesitated a bit, and knew Jack had sensed it as a concerned "What, Cowboy?" reached his ears.

But, in a way, it's what helped him to continue. "It ain't only my birthday, you know…"

Jack's voice radiated a mix of tenderness and pure happiness. "You bet I know. 21 years."

"Yeah… So… Happy birthday to you too, Rodeo."

Jack's voice still had its sweet, dreamy edge. "Thanks. You too, again." Then it turned kind of witty, "Seems we're finally grown-ups, huh."

Ennis chuckled shortly in response. "Yeah."

Then he quieted as the easy joke brought a more serious remark to his mind, and he wondered if Jack was thinking the same too: if they were now adults, shouldn't it be time for them to finally spread their wings, and live their life without his father's shadow ruling everything?

Jack softly cut the silence. "I should let you sleep, it's pretty late already."

"Ok" was the only answer Ennis could give, not really wanting to end their call, yet knowing there was no point in drawing out their goodbyes.

"See you soon."

"Take care, Bud."

"You too."

Then Jack hung up, a fact for which Ennis felt grateful somehow, because he wasn't certain he would have been able to be the one to end their call. Strange how some things had shifted since his trip to Childress.

But Ennis this time didn't feel guilty. He just felt somehow happy. Happy that he had for once taken the right decision, months ago, and happy about the path his life was taking, finally, maybe…

And thinking about everything they'd had to go through in their 21 years to arrive where they stood now, Ennis REALLY felt like sending up another prayer of thanks; this time not for having Jack back in his life, like he'd done in '67, but — no matter how crazy it sounded — for having nearly lost him, more than a year ago already.

Because nearly losing Jack, it had been too much. No way to put all the feelings which Ennis had felt then in words. Fucking, agonizing, heartbreaking and gut-wrenching pain? Utter despair at the loss of the most necessary part of himself? Bad, really bad, just too bad? Hell? ... Words, only words, which couldn't express even the quarter of the half of the beginning of it all. (*AN 2)

Yeah, nearly losing Jack, it had been too much, of just everything. But in a way, maybe it had been just enough too. Just enough for him to finally realize a few very important things.

One: that his life had no real meaning if Jack wasn't part of it. Because, all in all, Jack WAS the meaning.

Two: that he had been wrong about them being safer apart. Because what he feared the most could happen, anywhere, anytime, and not only if they were together. He had always known that a tire iron wasn't the only possibility, of course — to mention for example the highest one on the statistics list, Jack could have an accident while driving for his work; or, worst of all, while driving to meet him, huh.

But, at least, a tire iron was the one thing he had believed he could make sure wouldn't happen, and that belief had been enough to justify not only every sacrifice he made, but also every sacrifice he then sort of forced Jack into. Or so he had thought, until Mexico had been mentioned and he had realized that he had in fact no control on that threat either.

So, since he'd understood that, in fact, he couldn't really prevent anything, and that the bottom line was just about Jack being in the wrong place at the wrong time rather than only about Jack being around him and 'that thing' holding them in its reins… well, denying his own happiness, and even more, Jack's, had become a cost too high to pay if it gave no guarantee. While being together seemed then the safest option. It kept Jack 'out of trouble', for sure. And, even if he still believed it could one day bring some trouble to them, well, he was starting to think that in the end, maybe, they made more chance together; because 'that thing' was not only a weakness, as he had seen it for so long, but it was a strength too, and something worth fighting for — in a mental way, and in a physical way, if needed.

And, if it ever came to that, at least he would be there to take the blows, to protect Jack, 'till the bitter end if necessary. Ennis was no hero; he just knew now that losing Jack — worst case: because Jack wouldn't be a part of the world anymore; or best case: because Jack wouldn't be a part of his world anymore — would be the thing he wouldn't be able to stand.

And having finally accepted that frightening but simple truth, Ennis vowed that he would do whatever it took to keep Jack not only safe, but also happy – which, bonus, would without a doubt make himself happy too along the way, you bet…

So, no matter how not particularly joyful some of those thoughts were, Ennis understood what they meant. He was ready now. Ready to take the leap, and let the dice fall how they may.

He still wanted to think through the technical part of how they would get to be together, because they had to make it the safest possible, of course. But he had come to the point where he couldn't deny either of them that sweet life they both wanted and which Jack deserved — not even just for all the crap Ennis had ever put him though, but simply for being who he was.

So yeah, Ennis was ready. And yeah, that was enough to make him happy. And for someone usually so keen on being pessimistic, that really meant something.

He nearly called Jack back. He realized, though, that spilling his guts now over the phone would prevent him from seeing Jack's face when he spoke, and decided he could bite his tongue for a few more days.

EDIT 19/03/13:

To the lovely anon MJ (and anyone who still follow this story (thank you from the bottom of my heart)) - I don't know how to communicate otherwise with MJ, and she deserves an answer, so…

THANKS so much for your support and your very, very kind words. I know it's been a (much, much too long) time since I wrote about our boys, but I WILL write more. The story isn't over yet, I still love them and they still talk to me. There's just never enough time to write as much as I'd like and it's easier to write when it comes out by itself (generally, if I go 'so, Vanessa, you should write NOW, I end up with 2 sentences after an hour and it's not even great ones, lol)… But your comments made my day, in January and now, so I'll try to get back to it soon. It means a lot that you like this story so much, because it is very dear to my heart and important for me. Hugs. See you around. (And in case you don't mind being left hanging in the middle of a chapter - it might makes things worse :( - there is actually a bit more (but still unfinished, OMG I'm so ashamed, it's now 2 years! I DO love my kids, but sometimes I definitely feel like 'what happened to my free time', huh...) HERE : gothica-vanessa . livejournal 24418 . html # cutid3 and gothica-vanessa . livejournal 24790 . html # cutid3 (without the spaces everywhere))

(*) Author's note 1:

In my crazy world, the day they met is actually the day Ennis turned 19. Though Jack of course learned that only a few months ago, remember?

(*) Author's note 2:

Ok, more than kind of using Cyrano's words here (act I scene 4 — the famous nose bit), but it fits! Credits happily given to Edmond Rostand. (By the way, you can read Cyrano de Bergerac (one of my favorite piece ever) online here: french original text www . inlibroveritas lire / oeuvre3576-chapitre11462 . html and english translation www . gutenberg files / 1254/1254-h / 1254-h . htm (without the spaces, of course, but or else here it doesn't work ...)