Good grief, it's a fic. There's a fair chance hell might have just frozen over.

Title: Knowing
Rating: 13+
Category: Episode tag
Spoilers: Line in the Sand
Warnings: Language
Pairing: S/J established
Word Count: 500
Author's Notes: Five-part drabble series for sj100's 'Password' challenge.
Standard Disclaimer:

Stargate's not mine as I'm sure you all know,
nor do its characters belong to me.
This kind of writing earns me no dough,
so you get to read my fic for free!

--o0o--

Part One

It's a story which will pass into the unwritten annals of Pentagon history, becoming verbal legend.

How every door closes quietly in front of General O'Neill as he strides down the halls on the warpath against the IOC. The people responsible scrambling desperately to avoid his fury.

But even as he converts the words in his head;

"You stupid bastards nearly got Carter killed!"

Into the almost-politically-acceptable;

"Your lousy decision nearly caused the death of one of the few people even capable of finding a way to defeat the Ori!"

He still doesn't know...

How close 'nearly' came to disappearing.

--o0o--

Part Two

In a fit of irony only Jack O'Neill could truly appreciate, it's not until a few days after Carter's back on to light duty and he's returned to Washington, that someone finally lets it slip.

And in display of how still-not-quite-recovered she really is, that someone is Carter.

He hears her fingers pause in their tapping on the keyboard and her breath hitches.

He knows there's something she wants - and yet doesn't want - to say...but he keeps quiet.

This is Carter, after all. She never lets anything beat her.

This time is no exception.

"I...I need a new password."

--o0o--

Part Three

"I...I need a new password."

The words echo in his head and for a long time he just sits there.

There's a roaring in his ears and it feels like the world has stopped.

The last time that happened, time froze in vivid technicolour on the image of sandy-brown hair and tiny fingers curled around the butt of a gun.

And when it snapped back into motion there was blood - so much blood - and his beautiful little boy crying "Daddy, it hurts".

This time there is the voice of an anxious-sounding but very-much-alive Sam Carter calling his name.

--o0o--

Part Four

He pushes back his chair and leans heavily on his knees.

They protest the insistent pressure of his elbows, but Jack doesn't notice.

He simply closes his eyes and waits for the shaking to subside.

He can still hear Sam's voice through the speaker, asking if he is okay.

He's not and he doesn't trust himself to convince her otherwise.

He breathes deeply, calming himself.

He doesn't want her to know how deeply her words have affected him.

He's trying not to think how close he's come to losing everything he cares about for the second time in his life.

--o0o--

Part Five

The stinging in his eyes tells him he's not successful.

It's the thought that he wouldn't even have known he'd lost her until she was already gone, which finally breaks him.

Swiping a hand over his eyes he surges to his feet, already half-way to her in his mind.

She's sounding frantic now, on the other end of the phone being clutched in a white-knuckled grasp.

He hits disconnect.

He still can't trust himself to speak.

Five hours later the phone falls to the floor as she hugs him back.

"I'm okay, Jack." She says.

"I'm not." He finally admits.

-fini-