Epilogue

"Every river I try to cross
Every hill I try to climb
Every ocean I try to swim
Every road I try to find
All the ways of my life
I'd rather be with you
There's no way
Without you."

Runrig, "Every River"

Well… back to business. And after two weeks cooped up in the infirmary, he's even grateful for it. Alright, so, yes, it hadn't been that bad, because it had meant lots of time with Laura basically doing the same for him he'd done for her when she'd been in the infirmary the last time. It had been actually nice to have, for the first time in his time with the SGC, someone to take care of him this way. Of course there'd always been team mates and other friends coming by during convalescence whenever he was chained to various infirmaries, but… to be blunt, there had never been anyone falling asleep at his bedside or devoting most of her evenings to humoring him. Although… a few times he'd had the feeling that she'd done it as much for her benefit as for his.

There had, for example, been this one evening when she had come back from the follow-up mission to the initial cave fiasco, three days after they'd been to the planet the first time. If it had been his call he'd never have allowed her to go back there and he still has no idea how she had managed to convince Sheppard and Woolsey to let her go and why she had wanted to go back there in the first place. But obviously it had been something she'd had to do anyway.

Still… she'd come back to him looking pale and sitting down beside his bed as if she'd just had been on her feet for more than 24 hours. She'd just sat there, saying nothing for what had seemed like an eternity to him. At first he'd had no idea what to say, but then it had occurred to him that he didn't need to, anyway. Instead he'd just lightly touched her fingertips with his and to his surprise she'd looked at them and simply started to tell him what had happened in a very quiet voice. And while she'd been talking… she'd inched closer with her hand – he's almost positive that she'd done it unconsciously – and in the end his had been lying loosely on top of hers.

She'd told him that they'd returned to meet with heavy resistance from the villagers that had already been contaminated. When they'd fought their way to the cave they'd left behind they'd discovered that their captor's body had still been there, even when the lab had been pretty much destroyed. But they'd been lucky enough to find the guy's databank and parts of his notes and have the compound secured enough to be able to take his body with them. She'd tried to be professional about it, but the way her hand under his had been a little skittish and the way the other hand had constantly fiddled with her hair and all the other little gestures had told him that being back hadn't exactly been easy for her. In the end, she'd been very relieved when he'd gently reminded her that they still had a chapter to finish that evening.

After that… there had been seemingly endless days of dozing, drawing, even getting back to work on a data tablet he'd had her smuggle into the infirmary for him, now and then interrupted by short visits from various people – among them not only Colonel Sheppard, but also Teyla and her son, some of his fellow officers, even Meyers once or twice – but actually he'd only been waiting for her appearance. He'd tried to tell himself time and again that he wasn't doing himself a favor if he continued to see her, because he'd already long stopped to believe that with time all his feelings would fade until there would only be the memories of them.

But he just hadn't had the heart to tell her all of this, particularly not after he hadn't been on sleeping medication anymore and the nightmares had started. The more or less uneventful routine in sick bay had also lead to times where he'd found himself starting to brood about everything that had happened, as well between them as on the mission in general. He'd welcomed every distraction, even Rodney McKay, but the best ones had always been Laura's visits.

So he even felt a little regretful when Carson Beckett had pronounced him fit for duty again and given him a discharge a few minutes ago. He was nearly out of his room, when the Doc politely cleared his throat and simply said: "By the way, Major… if you hurt her…"

He knew he could say quite a lot of things in that moment – like denying any feelings between them the millionth time or telling the Doc to mind his own business – but he also knew that all of them would have been wasted, anyway. So he just rolled his eyes before turning around and saying: "You will have my ass, I know."

But to his surprise, Beckett just smiled one of his subtle little smiles and said: "No, actually I think she will have your ass."

That remark prompted a knowing grin from both of them and a "Good point, Doc." from him, and that finally marked the beginning of something of an armistice between the both of them. He somehow knew then that the Doc would probably never stop nudging him towards Laura, but that he'd do it in an absolutely friendly and good-natured way and that has eased his own guilt towards the Doc a little.

He resists the urge to sigh and straightens up his uniform. After his discharge and asking the Control Room of the whereabouts of Colonel Sheppard he decided to go straight to Sheppard's quarter and report back for duty. He knows that he's still on light duty for a couple of days, but everything would be better than having to sit around for another seemingly infinite amount of time. So he knocks at the door again and the door is immediately answered.

Inside Sheppard is sitting at his desk, obviously buried in paperwork up to his neck and looking quite relieved at his intrusion. He'd have been, too, if he'd had that amount of paper on his desk. "Major! What can I do for you?"

As if Sheppard doesn't know that. But nice that he asks anyway. "I just… wanted to report back for duty, sir."

Sheppard nods. "Good to have you back, Major."

One of the things why he really likes serving under Sheppard: He really means stuff like that. He's had COs who would have chewed him out for not escaping the infirmary three days after being delivered there, but Sheppard is just happy that he didn't do that. "Thank you, sir."

For a moment it looks like Sheppard wants to say something sarcastic – and he's actually afraid that it's got something to do with how frequent Laura's visits to the infirmary were – but in the end he just settles with: "Well then, if there isn't anything else…" A questioning look, but he shakes his head, happy to have gotten away without an interrogation about the nature of his relationship with a certain Lieutenant. "Dismissed. And I know that you're on light duty, Major. If I catch you doing anything that is not considered light duty, you'll feel very sorry for it." The last sentence is delivered with a grin, but he knows Sheppard. If he let's himself getting caught he will regret it.

"Understood, sir." Sheppard nods, and he turns around again, but before he's through the door, Sheppard speaks up again.

"Oh, I nearly forgot… you happen to stumble across Lieutenant Cadman in the near future?" Argh. And here he thought he could let that topic untouched. A little wary he turns around.

"Well, probably, sir." Better be very, very careful now.

"Good. Because I need to talk to her about her missing appointments with Dr. Obanashi." Ah. He thinks he knows where this is going. Laura is obviously dodging her obligatory follow-up sessions with Obanashi, their replacement for Kate Heightmeyer and Sheppard wants him to talk some sense into her. "But I was thinking… maybe you are more likely to be able to convince her that "obligatory" is not subject to interpretation about its exact meaning in this case." Yep, just what he thought.

He wants to sigh again. If Laura has resigned herself to run away from talking about all that has happened, then not even an army of Wraith could convince her to rethink her decision, consciously made or not. But that's not the point now, anyway. His CO just asked him to enforce one of his orders to one of his junior officers. There's really only one option for him. "Will do, sir. I don't think she's gonna like it, though."

Sheppard grimaces, probably because he's already seen her reaction when ordering her to see Dr. Obanashi the first time. "Me, neither. But I think she's gonna like it even less to be confined to the base until Obanashi has cleared her for off-world duty again." Oh, great. Now he doesn't only have to practically drag her into Obanashi's office, he also has to deliver Sheppard's threats to her. But Sheppard's tactic is probably the best. He's seen for himself how much all of this is still eating away at her, and if he has to force her to accept that she might need professional help, so be it.

"Agreed, sir." Sheppard nods satisfied, and he hopes that he's off the hook now.

"Which, by the way, is the same that will happen to you if you try to cheat your way out of the psycho sessions." Argh. He should have known that something like that was bound to come. No way he can get around that, now. Not that he had had that in mind… but it is a little scary that your CO knows you well enough to anticipate this, even if you don't show much of your private self to him.

"Understood, sir. And… just for the record: I do feel appalled at your obvious lack of trust in me." Alright. He really should stop hanging out with Laura. Seems like part of her brazen nature is rubbing off on him.

Sheppard, though, just grins. "Not lack of trust, Major. Just making sure my second-in-command stays in top shape."

He's actually glad that Sheppard didn't take offence. Better not overstep his boundaries, now. "I appreciate that, sir."

"I hope so. Now… I suggest you go and find Lieutenant Cadman, Major. I hear she's taken a likening to a particular balcony somewhere above the West Pier, whenever she tries to hide from Obanashi." Oh. There… obviously have been quite a few things in the last two weeks she hasn't told him and that he would have liked to know about. Sheppard obviously having had to track her down one way or the other to drag her into Obanashi's office is only one of them.

"Thanks for the intel, sir. I'll better get there before she decides to find some other hideout." Sheppard nods.

"Dismissed. Oh, and Major… Ronon and I were thinking about running a few laps on the mainland now and then… if you feel up to the challenge, just let me know." Oh… the Colonel inviting him to come along on a male bonding trip? Do wonders ever cease? Sheppard and him… they always had a good working relationship, but they'd practically not shared any downtime. If he's honest, mostly because he had been the one closing himself off and avoid nearly all occasions where the Colonel and he could have talked on another level than professional. So probably it's an honor that Sheppard asks him this, if you consider how often he's already eluded this. Again: Only one option.

"Sure, sir. They'd have to let me off light duty at first, though." He can't hold back a grin, even if that is probably getting him in trouble, but Sheppard seems to know that he didn't mean any harm.

He just throws him a good-natured: "Out, Major. You have a Lieutenant to track down." His only answer is a casual salute and then he's out the door again.

When the door has closed behind him, he can't hold back smoothing his uniform jacket again, before he sets off to go and find Laura. This time he doesn't have to ask anyone, because he knows full well which balcony Sheppard meant. And he can't for the life of him figure out why she would choose that particular one. It's not like their last encounter there had been anything else than less than stellar.

Somehow for him that balcony has become the symbol of all the things he's done wrong ever since she came back to Atlantis. Falling in love with her being the first and foremost of them. He has no idea how all of that happened, but the moment he'd found the first page only covered in sketches of her, he'd known that something had changed, at least for him. Laura Cadman had always been attractive to him, but there had also always been that "Don't touch, don't look."-aura around her, because at first she'd been the Doc's girl, then she had been very obviously mourning for the Doc and then she had been millions of light-years away from him. He'd felt actually safe with all that because he just knew that she was off-limits.

And then she'd come back and things with the Doc just hadn't gotten on in the way they were supposed to be and he'd started to think that there might be a chance… even if he knew that theoretically he was treating in dangerous territory. He sighs. Why the hell is he even thinking about all of this? He's been through this again and again, and it always came down to the point that he just has to let go of all of this. His mission now is just to hunt her down and make it clear to her that Sheppard didn't just suggest seeing Dr. Obanashi to her, but ordered her to. Nothing more.

And yes, there's the balcony. He takes a deep breath and then steps out in the open. She's standing at the railing, with her back to him and her forearms on the railing. Her hair is not bound back and stirring in the soft sea breeze. She's obviously heard him stepping through the door and turns around, her facial expression turning from a frown into a surprised little smile when she sees that it's just him. Enforcing Sheppard's orders, he keeps telling himself, you're just here to enforce Sheppard's orders.

"Hey, they already let you out again?" He steps beside her and leans against the railing.

"Yes, I'm happy to have been given back duty status as well, Lieutenant." Not caring about his mock reprimanding tone, she just sticks out her tongue. "And if I recall it correctly, you are supposed to be somewhere else right now." Immediately the frown returns and she turns towards the sea again. He really wishes Sheppard wouldn't have made him do this, but he'd probably tried to talk Laura into stopping this, anyway.

"I should have known that sooner or later Sheppard would put you on the hunt." She even sounds a little insulted, and he'd feel cheated as well, if he was in her stead, but it doesn't change the fact that she can't go on like this forever, because it will start showing in her performance.

"Laura… You know as good as I that you're more or less violating a direct order with putting off appointment after appointment. Don't do this." She still doesn't look at him, but he can see that she knows she's defeated – probably because she's been fighting this battle of wills with Sheppard for two weeks already, and even someone as thickheaded as her has her limits – but wants to go down with a fight.

"But I'm fine. Honestly. That's just wasting time. I can deal with this on my own." Right now he wonders how Sheppard could stay calm enough not to have her confined to the brig until she talks to Obanshi by now. He already has severe difficulties remaining calm and controlled.

"To be blunt: No, you can't. Do you really think you can hide that from me… or from the Doc? Or Sheppard?" He needs to take a calming breath. She's closed off herself, ready to make this as hard as possible for him, and he's only inches away from either shake her to make her see how important this is for her or just take her into his arms and tell her that there is no shame in admitting that some things are just stronger than you. "I know how you feel about all this psycho sessions stuff. Because, in case you've forgotten that, I'm a soldier as well and I've had my share of that stuff. It doesn't… it doesn't make you less of a Marine to accept professional help now and then, you know."

And it doesn't make you less of a Marine if you let me help you, he wants to add, but he's a little afraid that she'll understand it exactly the way it's meant. She's silent for a very long time – in fact she's had those long silent spells quite often recently, and that has really started to worry him – but he's developed enough patience to stand beside her and wait for whatever she's going to say. Doesn't change the fact that being in so close proximity to her does all kinds of funny things to his heart, though. The longer the silence endures, the harder it becomes for him to keep to his resolution and keep his hands away from her.

Finally she takes a deep breath and says: "You're… you're right. It's just that… the thought of talking about this to a stranger, alone… it's just…" He understands her. Without another word from her he understands her and that scares him. How is he supposed to be able to serve alongside her, never being able to offer her more comfort than holding her hand for a few minutes or squeezing her shoulder?

"I know. But do you really want to run away from this until it's going to start to show in your performance? Do you really want to let all of this ruin your career?" He so wants to run his thump along her cheek, like she did to distract him from Carson treating his injuries, but all he does is stand there and hold her gaze, willing her to think clearly again.

She holds out longer than he would have thought and then purses her lips and surrenders. "Alright. No, I don't." And with that it's settled. He knows without doubt that she's going to make an appointment the first moment she can and won't miss any more sessions. Laura Cadman may be a very attractive fun-loving young woman, but most of all she's a Marine. It's in her blood, and if everything else fails, you always get her with this. "Oh, and by the way: I never knew you could be such a manipulative bastard." Oh well, and she's very aware of all these facts. He wants to tell her that he is supposed to go to theses appointments as well, but she suddenly seems to have realized what she just said and starts to color a lovely shade of pink. "Oh God, I didn't… I just wanted…"

"Laura…" He wants to tell her that he doesn't take offence – mostly because there is some truth in that – but she just won't let him.

"I know that was totally out of line and I…"

"Laura…" She's really out of sorts now, and the blush on her cheeks is really messing around with his head.

"I'm totally sorry…" That doesn't mean, though, that he'll let her interrupt him again and again.

"Lieutenant!" She jerks to attention immediately.

"What?" They have turned to each other and it seems like time has slowed down for him. The wind is blowing a few strands into her face, but she doesn't bother to move them away. One of them is shortly caught by her mouth and he finds his eyes glued to her lips for a few moments.

He blinks and forces himself to grin. "Just shut up." But before she can answer anything, something in him switches and he… bends down and kisses her. And in the moment she starts kissing him back he knows that even though this is probably one of the most stupid decisions he ever made, it's still the best thing that ever has happened to him and that he will never let her go again.

A/N: Well, that's it, folks. First of all: I hope you don't mind I let the shipper in me prevail, mac, but my inner realist is just too weak ;) Then I would like to say that writing this was a lot of fun, and your reviews, encouragement and inspiration had a major part in this. I hope you liked the ending. And maybe... you should look out for other stories, because I still owe someone a gutter piece (which is already done) and have a few other general ideas floating around in my head. But I think that I'll now take a little time and write at least one new chapter for my OC SG1 story "Minor Characters" (I know a few of you have read this one as well). And then... we'll see ;)