:Okay, this idea popped into my head while writing the 13th chapter of Tripping the Rift. It centers on a repeated roleplay character of mine which has found itself inserted into break rooms in such disparate locations as Stargate Command and Atlantis, Fatima Castle, Hogwarts, the Russian Mafia HQ of Mercenaries, and the laundry room in Chuck's apartment complex. Set mid S2:

:All organic characters belong to RTD and the BBC. The VMFH belongs to me. God help anybody who runs into it.:

Invasion of the Vending Machine From Hell

"Ianto!" Jack strode out of his office and into the Hub, looking around at his team. "Anyone seen him?"

"Him?" Owen poked at a specimen rat with his pen. "You mean the brat?"

Jack arched his eyebrows in amusement at Owen's poorly hidden jealousy. "Yeah, otherwise known as my boyfriend."

"I haven't seen him since I came in, Jack," said Tosh, focused on a complex formula for something Jack would have to pretend he understood when she made her presentation on it. Of course it would wind up being invaluable at a future point, like every other program she'd written into the alien computer they relied on to monitor and study the Rift.

Gwen flashed an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I thought he was with you. He wasn't in the info centre."

"And I don't care, so long as he's in by lunch," added Owen. "I didn't bring anything."

Jack stuck his hands in his pockets, his brow knitting. "He wouldn't be keeping any secrets in the vaults..."

The other three looked at him stonily. Jack held up his hands in apology. "I was just pointing out the obvious, not saying he'd do anything like that again." He walked toward the stairs to the info centre, tapping his headset. "Hello, where's my sharp-dressed Welshman? Ianto?" He looked back, frowning in concern. "Tosh, is the comm system working?"

Tosh checked the diagnostic and nodded. "The signal's fine."

Gwen turned to the CCTV, flipping through the camera channels with the remote control. "He's not in the vaults, or the archives, or the carpark. Oh, his car's not in the carpark, either."

"What?" Jack reached Gwen's station in three strides, looking at the screen in search of the red MINI Cooper that sometimes seemed the only reminder that his lover was still barely out of college years.

Owen rolled his eyes. "Don't suppose it's occurred to anyone to ring him up?"

Jack relaxed, straightening and raising his chin. "Of course it did," he lied. "I was just verifying his absence is all."

"He's never missed a day before, has he?" Tosh looked to Owen. "I don't remember him ever not being here, at least."

"I haven't paid attention," sniffed the doctor. "Except for my cup always being filled with coffee, it's not my business what the tea-boy's up to."

Jack studied his cell phone in slight embarrassment. "Does anyone have his number?"

"Oh, come on, Jack." Gwen raised a disapproving brow. "He's your boyfriend. You don't even know his phone number?"

Jack shrugged helplessly. "He's always here when I wake up, doesn't leave until I go to bed. Why would I need to phone him?"

"Found it!" Tosh flashed a triumphant grin. "029 20373403. It's on his employee file."

"Thanks." Jack dialed the number, his frown deepening with every ring. After six of them he found himself listening to a recording of the team's youngest member on the answering machine.

You've reached Ianto Jones. Please leave a message, unless this is Mum, in which case I'm really sorry I missed Aunt Tara's birthday dinner. Work's been busy.

Jack pondered that he might have to ask Ianto more about his life. He didn't even know there was an Aunt Tara. "Ianto, it's Jack. Where are you?"

The phone was picked up on the other end, followed by a longer pause than would normally be expected, filled with muffled thuds as if the receiver had been dropped a few times. "Jack?" Ianto's voice sounded thick and hoarse.

"Good morning, handsome. Did our alarm clock not go off this morning? There's four people in here who are dearly missing your pretty face."

"Make it three!" yelled Owen.

"I'm sick." Ianto broke into a hacking cough, pulling the phone away until it passed. "Think it's best for all if I just stayed in bed today."

"Should I send Owen over to check on you?" Jack ignored Owen waving his negation of that proposal with both hands.

"Just a cold. A day's sleep should set it right. Can you get on without me for a day?"

Jack pouted at the thought of an entire day without double entendres and stolen moments in the supply cabinet. "Yeah, you just get your rest and don't worry about a thing. We'll manage for a day."

"Thanks, Jack." The phone clicked, then gave a dial tone. Jack sighed and flipped it closed, slipping it into his pocket.

"Ianto's taking a sick day. We're on our own."

"Don't make it sound like we can't live without him." Owen spun around on his chair. "He's just the admin."

"Right," said Jack. "So who wants to make the coffee?"

Gwen stared at the machine they called the coffee monster, a bag of beans in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. "How did you say it works, Owen?"

"I'm telling you, I can't even turn it on." Owen glared at the machine. "It must be broken."

"I think it's alien in origin." Jack prodded it with one finger. "Does anyone remember it being here before Ianto came to work?"

"I thought he brought it with him from Torchwood One." Tosh studied it warily. "Either that or he found it in the vaults."

"We've been drinking coffee from another dimension?" Gwen set the beans and water down, stepping back from the machine. "I think I might just have water today."

"Don't be ridiculous. Ianto wouldn't do anything that could prove harmful to us." Jack crossed his arms.

"Says you," scoffed Owen. "Nothing other than sneak in killer cyborgs and shoot people in the shoulder."

"That was a necessary restraint of an officer out of control." Jack noticed something from the corner of his eye. A sleek upright box the size of a large refrigerator stood tucked in the back corner of the break room, paneled in fake woodgrain with a lit display running down one side, filled with packaged candies and snacks. Along the other side ran a series of large square buttons with brightly labeled soft drink flavors. Below them was a smaller panel listing styles of coffee, tea, and a cheerful bar promising 'chicken noodle soup'. Centered across the bottom of the box was a gaping chute with a steel guide for small cups. A backlit panel ran across the top of the machine, just above the cash and coin slot. The panel proclaimed in blue and red swooping letters in a font reminiscent of the 1970s, VMFH: We provide special flavor for you every day, coffee and other drinks, cheerful snacks to happy! Enjoy these good taste and have a nice day! "Um, when did we get a vending machine?"

"Snap!" Owen rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Ianto must've ordered it in. We're saved, mates!" He dug a handful of coins out of his pocket and approached the quietly humming machine. "A little black coffee sounds the ticket." He deposited his coins and crouched to punch the button. A soft whir came from the machine and a small paper cup decorated with a poker hand slid down into the chute, landing sideways. A jet of boiling hot liquid shot down at high pressure, spraying off the rounded side of the cup and spattering the front of Owen's lab coat. He jumped back quickly. "Oi! The hell is wrong with this thing?"

Jack stepped up, plucking the dead cup out of the way and tossing it aside. "You could have seen it was going to happen when the cup jammed. Let me give it a try." He pulled out a pound coin and slid it into the slot, then bent down, pushing the same button as Owen. He crouched down in front of the chute, waiting for the cup. When it dropped down, he grabbed it with a triumphant cackle and turned it upright. His cackle faded as nothing poured into the cup. "Oh, come on. All I want is some coffee!" As if in reply, the machine trembled, then dumped out a flood of steaming chicken broth. Jack jumped back with a yelp, shaking his scalded hand. "Shit!" The broth deluge ended with the deposit of a single two-inch long noodle into the top of the overfilled cup. "Where did he pick up this crap thing?" He frowned at the change chute. "And it owes me change, too."

"Let me have a go," interjected Tosh, stepping in with her coins at the ready. "I think hot drinks are a lost cause. I'm fine with a cola." She offered up her payment, then pressed the button labeled 'cola'. A chunking clank rumbled from inside the machine. Tosh beamed in anticipation, stepping to the side to bend and reach for the can when it arrived. She blinked in surprise when it shot directly out of the chute, launching itself with dead aim into Owen's crotch. The doctor groaned, his eyes crossing, and fell to the floor in a fetal position.

Jack winced in masculine sympathy. "Owen? You gonna live?"

"Don't touch!" Owen squeaked.

"We can't just give up," insisted Gwen. "What are we going to do? We need caffeine. Isn't there caffeine in chocolate?"

"And the packets are much softer," agreed Tosh.

"Well it seems to hate all of us." Jack stepped back, sweeping an invitation with his arm for Gwen. "Maybe it needs some empathy."

Gwen smiled nervously as she approached the machine. "Good little vending machine, then. All we want is some chocolate. You don't want to see us starve, do you?" She fed in another pound. "What should we try? With nuts or without?"

"Let's not give it ideas," cautioned Jack. "I prefer having my nuts." Owen just offered a whimper, crawling out of the line of fire.

"Nuts it is then." Gwen carefully pushed the button next to the chocolate bar with almonds, watching as the row of candies was slowly pushed forward. The bar tipped forward tantalizingly, then wedged firmly against the display glass.

"No, that's not fair." Gwen pressed her forehead against the glass. "Give me the chocolate!"

The chute opened up again, sending a stinging shotgun spray of candy buttons out at shin level. Gwen, Tosh, and Jack were forced to dance backward, grabbing their legs.

"Okay, I give up." Jack took a step, his foot sliding on candy buttons like ball bearings, forcing him to grab onto Tosh for balance. "I've got a caffeine withdrawal headache, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, my hand is burned, Owen may not have to worry about condoms anymore, and that bastard machine has taken us for £3 already. We're going out for breakfast."

Tosh nodded in relief. "Yes, let's." She and Gwen crouched to help Owen up, supporting him while Jack kicked a path clear for them to the door. Just as they reached it, it slammed shut, the security latch rocketing into place.

"What happened, Tosh? Was there a security breach?" Jack rubbed his forehead.

Tosh pulled out her handheld, running a remote diagnostic. "No. Um, the break room door was triggered on its own. It's been taken off the security system and is running on its own circuit."

Jack pulled his chin back. "Oh, please, who would do such a thing?"

"Well..." Tosh turned, pointing her handheld at the vending machine. "I'm picking up an energy signature that I've only seen one time before. It was recorded by the Hub right before you left us."

"Something alien?" Gwen backed up into Owen.

Jack frowned, moving closer to press his ear to the side of the vending machine, listening to the pulsing hum it gave off. "No way. This thing has the same power signature as the TARDIS?"

"What exactly would that mean to us?" Owen's voice was starting to return to normal. "I just want to get away from the damn thing."

Jack stepped back, drawing his revolver and aiming it at the vending machine. "Alright, we've tried being nice about it. I want.. I need caffeine."

Gwen shook her head. "Jack, don't make it angry!"

"I'm not going to be threatened by a coke machine in my own headquarters!" snapped the captain. "Give me coffee, now!"

The other three members of Torchwood scrambled backwards as the vending machine started to shake, taking cover behind the lunch table. Jack narrowed his eyes in challenge, his teeth clenched as his finger pressed against the trigger of his revolver. The chute rumbled, then shot open, firing out six cans of orange soda in rapid fire at Jack's head. Jack danced sideways, firing back. "That all you got?! Huh?!"

One more can shot out, connecting squarely with Jack's forehead. His eyes rolled back and he hit the floor, his head bouncing with the impact. The chute closed again with a clipped clank of finality.

"Jack?" Gwen crawled out from under the table, feeling for a pulse. "Well, he's dead again."

Owen picked up a can as it rolled over. "At least it bought us some drinks." Gwen and Tosh shot him dirty looks. The doctor raised a brow. "What, do you want him to have died in vain?" He popped the flip-top open, only to get splattered in the face as the entire contents of the can sprayed out at high pressure. "That figures."

Jack sat up slowly, shaking his head. "Oh, that hurt."

"It doesn't seem to have helped us much, either," added Tosh.

"Shh!" Gwen looked around. "I hear something outside." All four of them strained to hear as the faint sound of whistling and smooth-soled Mario Bruni dress shoes grew stronger.

"Ianto?" Jack crawled to the door, banging on it. "Ianto! We're in here!"

"Jack?" Ianto's footsteps came up the steps to the break room door. The handle jiggled. "Why are you locked in the break room?"

"It's.. the.. vending.. machine," hissed Jack, pressing his cheek to the wall and eyeing the humming monolith of snackage. "It's evil."

There was a long pause from the other side of the door. "I'm sorry, did you say the vending machine is evil? I took some cold medication, so I could be hallucinating, only reason I ask."

"It killed me and it locked us all in!" yelled Jack. "Where did you get that thing?"

"Just a moment." A series of beeps came from the keypad, followed by a click as the lock disengaged. Ianto opened the door and stepped inside, helping Jack to his feet. "I'm so sorry. I should have been here when it arrived or at least told you it was coming. It's Gallifreyan, you know." He made his way forward, giving the vending machine a placating smile as he reached into his coat.

Jack grabbed Ianto's arm. "Watch out, it's deadly."

"Relax." Ianto gave him a comforting smile. "It knows me. Everything will be okay. I have my secret weapon."

Jack furrowed his brow. "Don't tell me."

Ianto pulled out a pound-bar of Cadbury's dark chocolate. "I'm sure it's just a bit cranky is all. Needs its serotonin levels.. leveled." He offered out the chocolate bar, waving it invitingly as he approached the machine. "Here you go. Got your favorite." He bent down and slid the candy into the chute, then stepped back. Owen, Tosh, and Gwen edged out from behind the lunch table cautiously as the machine burbled, then fell into a quiet murmur of contentment. Ianto turned around to face them. "Very well, now, who wants coffee?"

:There you go, possibly the silliest Ianto coffee story ever. Let me know what you think. And thanks jackforpresident for catching my research error! Hope it's fixed now.: