I do not own Zelda, but If i did, I'd kill Ilia for being such a whiny bitch from hell.

Link was cooking up some cinnamon rolls in the oven as he brought out three new designer flavors of Mountain Dew. "Ahh, This is the life..." Zelda, Midna, Vaati, The Ordon kids, even Ganondorf were chilling out and relaxing.

"Hey, Link? A friend of yours wants to come in and hang with us." Kafei said. "Sorry Kaf, but I find that VERY hard to believe." Link said.

"It's the truth, Link! And SHE'S here right now!" Kafei said. He walked over to the door. Everyone looked at one another.

"Here she is!" Kafei said. As soon as he opened the door, Ilia walked inside and glared right at Link with a huge smile that would light up a room.

"Hi, Everybody!! HI, MY LITTLE LINKY-PINKY!!" she said.

"ILIA?!" Everyone said in unison.

"OH HELL NAW!!" Link shouted as he jumped out of his chair. "KAFEI, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, BRINGING HER IN MY PRESENCE!? IN MY LINE OF SIGHT?!"

"Sorry, Link, but I thought this party needed more girls." He said.

"HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND?!" Saria shrieked, trying to stand in Link's face.

"Back up, Saria. Didn't you hear me? I said SECOND best friend!" Link said back.

"YOU LIAR!!" Saria roared.

"Look, you KNOW you're my best friend! You're practically the first person I ever met! Now, go eat your Cheerios." Link said, pointing at the table. Saria stormed over in anger over to the table, poured a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and began to eat. Foolishly letting his guard down, Ilia ran over and bear-hugged Link.

"I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!! DO YOU WANT SOME OF MY MUFFINS!?" She said.

Link screamed. "CODE RED!! CODE RED!! SHE'S TOUCHING ME!! SHE'S FUCKIN' TOUCHING ME!! SOMEONE GET THE PEPPER SPRAY!!"

Everyone laughed as they watched the scene.

"Awwwwww, isn't that sweet!" Vaati said.

"NO!" Ruto shouted. she stormed over and pulled Ilia off of Link. "Stop that goddamn shit! What kind of woman are you?!"

"One who knows what she wants!" Ilia said arrogantly, sticking her tongue out at Ruto.

"Ruto, calm down, will ya?" Malon said.

"Why?! This girl is a fucking idiot!!" Ruto shouted at Malon.

"SHUT UP, FISH FACE!!" Ilia screeched at Ruto.

The black veins suddenly appeared all over Ruto's body as her face turned blood red. "What did you say… WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!"

"Oh, no…" Zelda said.

"Oh, shit…" Link said.

"This ain't good…" Midna said.

"DON'T YOU EVER, EVER TELL ME TO SHUT UP!!" The Zora Princess shouted at the socially-challenged farm girl. "NO! NOW LEAVE US ALONE!" Ilia clung to Link like a leech. "ALRIGHT… THAT IS FUCKING IT!! NO MORE MS. NICE ZORA!! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR HIGH AND FUCKING MIGHTY ATTITUDE!!" Ruto shouted, pointing at Ilia. "Whatever." Ilia snorted.

"ONE MORE INSULT OUT OF YOU, AND YOU'LL BE IN FOR A SERIOUS BEATDOWN!! YOU GOT THAT, GIRL!?" Ruto shrieked with tremendous force.

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!" Ilia asked.

"NO, BITCH!! I WAS INVITING YOU FOR A WALK THROUGH THE FUCKING DAISIES!!" Ruto shouted. She then pulled out Link's sword and pointed it at her. "THIS IS THREATENING YOU!!"

"Ruto, for the love of Din, DON'T!!" Link said, pleading with Ruto. It was too late. There was no reasoning with Ruto when she was seriously angry.

"NOW YOU CAN TAKE THAT COMMENT FROM EARLIER BACK, OR I'LL CHOP YOUR ASS UP AND USE YOU FOR MY NEWEST COAT AND MELT YOUR UGLY ASS FACE INTO A MASK!!" Ruto shouted, sword still pointed at the dumb, lying bitch. "BRING IT, BITCH! I CAN TAKE YOU!" Ilia screamed and hurled a muffin at her head.

Ruto sliced it in half and charged towards the dumb bitch, raising her sword above her head. Ilia headbutted her in the gut, causing her to drop her sword. Ruto grabbed her head and flung her onto the food table, sending all the good stuff flying all over.

Ilia hurled Ruto out the doorway, causing her to land on the hard ground. Ilia jumped out and was about to do a ground pound on Ruto, but the Zora princess rolled out of the way, letting the Malon-copy land on her butt bone.

Ilia jump-kicked Ruto on her head and sent her rolling along the pathway. Ruto pulled out a stick and slammed it in Ilia's anus. Ilia screamed in pain and punched her breast. Ruto hissed in pain and spat in her eyes. "FUCK!" Ilia swore and swung blindly. Ruto launched a straight punch toward Ilia's tummy, making her collpase.

Ruto then kneed her face and kicked her repeatedly in the groin. Ilia grabbed her foot and pulled her down onto the dirt. Then she leapt onto her and bitch-slapped her across the face. Ruto bit her hand and squeezed her breasts until they began to warp and bulge. Ilia ripped off her fins and farted in her face.

"GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!" Ruto swore and lifted up the evil girl and hurled her at a rock wall, smashng her head. Then she walked back inside Link's house and sat down back on her seat. All the party members looked at her in surprise.

"What? That fucking bitch deserved it. No one ever tells me to shut up." Ruto stuck her nose in the air and snorted. Link shrugged and raised up a tray of muffins. "Muffins, everyone?" He offered nervously. Everyone quietly took one and ate in silence.

Tbc...?

P.S.: This was kinda inspired after reading "100 Ways to kill Ilia." I decided to make my own version of what ways Ilia should die in.