Disclaimer: I own only my original characters, nothing else... Though I wish I owned Kuja.

A/N: So... long ago, my boyfriend and I were having a small little conversation about fic ideas and he gave me this grand idea which has now became the fic you see here.

Much love to Satoh for letting me write this.

Warnings: This fic will probably end up very, very screwed up in an enjoyable way.

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Challenge: Transgendering Zidane.

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"For your final test..." Kuja announced, pacing in front of the assembled Genome and Black Mage students. It had been a long year, full of explosions and lots of miscalculations. He was one-hundred percent certain that not a single one of them would pass this test, even #337, the supposed genius of the class... Kuja stalked towards the covered cage standing in the center of the front of the room and whipped the curtain off.

Gasps rang throughout the room. "You will be attempting to cast the frog spell on this unsuspecting moron..." Kuja continued, ignoring Zidane's indignant mouthing from inside the cage as he turned to face the class. He had cast silence on the younger genome hours and hours ago when he had kidnapped him from his room in Lindblum. "Failure to do so correctly will result in repeating my class as well as earning a Flare-spell to the face and mocking laughter from your peers. Now, are there any volunteers?"

Silence reigned throughout the room as the students nervously exchanged looks with each other. None of them wanted to be the first to undergo Kuja's weird exam. Only about less than half of the class could cast a simple Fire-spell without either blowing something up, turning something weird colors or some weird combination of the two (take #496 for example, who not only blew up his pants, but turned his neighbors blue). However, Kuja, insane evil mage that he is, expected them to not only successfully cast a high level spell like frog, but to do so without screwing up in some grand way.

Some of the more intelligent of the class were slowly beginning to believe that not only was Kuja a sadist, but he was purposely setting them up to fail for his own entertainment. They weren't that far from the truth. Kuja was a sadist and he was purposely setting them up to fail for his own enjoyment, but he was also aiming to see Zidane get hurt in amusing ways that would probably be irreversible.

Kuja waited five minutes (to build up the terror levels, after all, they didn't even have the Frog spell listed in their spell books) before selecting his first victim. Sweat rolled down the faces of the students, each wide-eyed and terrified that they would be chosen to go first, then fail miserably and get Flare-d in the face to the sound of mocking laughter from the other students (and they would laugh, because if they didn't Kuja would kill them). Kuja's eyes danced from student to student as he tried to decide which of the nine of them he should drag up here to miscast a complicated spell on Zidane first.

There was #496, the incompetent Black mage who couldn't even cast Fire without losing an article of clothing, #337, the most competent mage the class had to offer though he still wasn't up to standard spells yet, Shiv, the genome male who had an ego the size of an adamantoise and the spell-casting skill of a squirrel on speed, which admittedly, wasn't much use unless you were either throwing acorns at people or running around like your tail is on fire, Clara, the sweet genome girl who almost always ended up in tears by the time class passed the half-way point, #14, who was the most flamboyant black mage Kuja had ever had the honor to meet and was therefore his favorite, #15, #14 best friend and a bigger stuck-up prick than any of the knights of Pluto, Kuja took great pleasure in making him cry, Karma, a long-haired male genome who took great offence whenever Kuja so much as looked at him, Loki, an exact replica of Karma (Kuja had taken to calling them twins), but much, much more laid-back and generally uncaring about the world in general, and finally there was Crystal, a female genome who took great pleasure in screwing up spells and therefore was not called on often because her enjoyment took away Kuja's entertainment.

Kuja knew for certain that he would be calling on Crystal last, if only because the more people in front of her, the more pain the others were guaranteed to be in by the time it finally rolled around to her turn. Since he wanted Zidane to be mostly in one piece after this was all over with; calling up #496 first was completely out of the question. The young mage, despite his obvious incompetence, did make attempts to learn from the mistakes of others. If someone semi-competent went first, then at least half of the classroom would be spared from widespread destruction. Kuja's eyes narrowed upon #337, who was slowly slinking down in his seat, trying hard not to be noticed. The silver-haired genome smirked, an evil glint shimmering deep within his eyes.

"Mr. 337..." Kuja announced calmly, moving to the side gracefully and indicating the space in front of Zidane's cage with a well-manicured hand. "...Why don't you start first?" #337 shivered and slowly trudged up to the front of the classroom.

He stared at Zidane for a few seconds, watching his mouth move soundlessly as he silently called Kuja every name in the book, including a few names that wouldn't be allowed in a T-rated fic; then, glanced at Kuja, who was impatiently glaring at him. Taking a deep breath, he raised his staff and slowly began to chant the spell that would turn the older genome before him into a frog.

Kuja resisted the urge to snicker wildly as he recognized the chant, which was most certainly not the Frog spell, but a certain experimental spell he had placed into their spellbooks just for the hell of it. Zidane's eyes widened and he edged towards the back of the cage, he didn't know what that spell was, but he knew it most certainly was not the spell they were meant to be casting. He had been around enough mages (and ironically, could actually cast magic when he chose to) to know that what the kid was chanting was not the spell to change someone into a frog.

The invocation only lasted a couple of seconds, but for some reason it seemed to drag on forever before it finally took effect. The entire classroom was temporarily blinded by the light coming out of the cage as Zidane's form shimmered and changed.

The light faded, Zidane blinked. He looked down at himself, he looked at Kuja, then back down at himself. He poked the fleshy thing protruding from his chest, it jiggled slightly and felt kind of weird. He blinked again, slowly meeting Kuja's eyes. He fainted as a large, self-satisfied smirk appeared on Kuja's face, confirming his fate.

"Changing someone's gender, while amusing, was not the point of this assignment. You fail." Kuja said, snapping his fingers. Loud, mocking laughter rang throughout the classroom as #337 received an amusement-driven Flare-spell to the face. Kuja smirked at the nervously laughing class.

"Now, who wants to go next?"

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