Disclaimers: Have nothing. Own nothing. Speak you English? ^_^

Warnings: If ya don't know what characters die, ya might not wanna read this. It's only mentioned once, but...just in case, Ep. 33. Also, I make fun of Nuriko and Tomo (OOC!!) but that's because I love them!! And the more you love someone, the more you can fondly make fun of them! So I love you, Tomo and Nuriko! Love, love, love!!! **blows kiss**

Note: Please don't expect this to make any sense at all. ^_^

Me: [goes up to podium, stands on huge pile of books, taps microphone] Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and have come to a startling conclusion. [points proudly to title of script]

All: [talk amongst themselves]

Me: Ahem.

All: [continue to talk]

Me: EXCUSE ME!!!! I'm trying to relate some interesting stuff, here!!!

All: [grumble, grumble] Yeah, okay, fine.

Me: [pulls out chart and points with stick] After many hours of careful study, I have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, the Suzaku Shichiseishi Nuriko and the Seiryuu Shichiseishi Tomo are actually…the same person.

Tomo & Nuriko: WHAT????

Tomo: What the hell???!!!

Me: I swear. It's true.

Nuriko: Heh heh… [rushes up to lectern and grabs my arm…really, really hard] Heh…I'm sure you don't mean that, Mouse-chan…you're just caffeinated again, ne?

Me: [trying to shake him off] Absolutely not. I have concrete evidence.

Tomo: [standing up in the audience] I must protest! This is unheard of!!

Nuriko: You're telling me!! [whispers through clenched teeth] If you stop right now, I'll buy you a case of Pepsi One…whadda ya say??

Me: Tempting, but no. Will you let me go?

Nuriko: [releasing me] Fine! I don't know what I'm so worried about, anyway…there's no way you can prove it.

Tomo: [flustered; whispering frantically into his hand]

Nuriko: Tomo? What the hell're ya doin'?!

Tomo: [looking up quickly] Uhhhhhhh, nothing!

Nuriko: Oh, for crying out…Will ya stop talking to the damn shell and get your butt up here??? Maybe we can intimidate her if we loom menacingly in the background.

Me: Ahem…as I was saying…Figure Number One. Their appearances in the series. The audience will note that Tomo does not appear until after Nuriko is dead…

Nuriko: That's nonsense!!! Just because he wasn't intrinsic to the plot until Tape Nine doesn't mean…

Tomo: And Miboshi didn't appear until after I did! What, are you gonna try to prove that he's the same person as…as, uh…Shoka, or something??

Mitsukake: Hey!!

Me: [ignores them] Figure Number Two: they're both gay.

Nuriko & Tomo: Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

Nuriko: I am SO SICK of hearing that!!!!!!

Tomo: That's worse than saying, "Hey, Nuriko, Tomo! You both like men, why don't you hook up, or something?" It's disgusting!!

Nuriko: From my perspective, at least.

Tomo: Oh, shut up!

Nuriko: And sure, we're gay, but you don't have to keep pointing it out to everyone! We're just like everyone else! We're powerful and heroic—well, I'm heroic; Tomo's just kind of a mental case—and there's really no need to tease us!!

Tomo: [mumbles pathetically] At least no one ever calls you "Tomo the Homo."

Nuriko: [quiet aside to Tomo] Well, that wouldn't be practical, would it, since my name's Nuriko???

Tomo: Hmmph.

Nuriko: To return to the point, saying we're the same person because we're both gay is just idiotic!!!!! Like there are no other gay people in the world????!!!

Hotohori: You go, Nuriko!!

Nuriko: I rest my case.

Me: Well, I see your point. But here's one more piece of evidence.

Nuriko: Go right ahead. We're not afraid of you.

Tomo: Damn straight.

Me: Okay, chew on this, you guys: Nuriko's real name is Chou Ryuuen, right?

Nuriko: Yeah. So?

Me: And Tomo's real name is Ryo Chuin.

Nuriko & Tomo: ………..

Me: Chou Ryuuen. Ryo Chuin. They're, like…the same, but with the first letters reversed.

Nuriko & Tomo: …………

Me: So my conclusion is, that Nuriko and Tomo are really the good and evil halves of the same person.

Nuriko: Holy crap!!! What if she's right???

Tomo: I'm…you're….we're….GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Nuriko: Arghhhh!!! What happened to my makeup skills when I'm evil???

Tomo: Aaahhhhh!!! What happened to my fashion sense when I'm good???

Nuriko: Hotohori-sama!!! Can you ever forgive me????

Tomo: [again, apparently talking to his hand] Tell me it's not true, Shin…tell me it's not true…

Me: Uh, guys?

Nuriko: What should we do??? Should we, like, find an exorcist or something to divide us completely??

Tomo: [covers his ears with his hands, shuts his eyes, and starts humming loudly]

Nuriko: [frantic] Chichiri!! Buddy!! Heh heh, you know lots of cool spells, right??

Chichiri: [sweatdrop] I'm not a freakin' exorcist, no da!!

Me: Hey, guys!!!

All: [turn to me]

Me: I was just kidding!! Jeez!!

[looooooooong, uncomfortable pause]

Nuriko: [dangerously] Just…kidding??

Me: Heh…yeah. [smiles innocently] Y'see…uh…I was going to start writing my French midterm, but…then I considered my options, and I decided that writing a stupid, pointless Fushigi Yuugi script would be much more fun.

Nuriko: And you just had to mess with our minds, huh?

Tomo: [bursts into tears]

Nuriko: Just look what you've done.

Me: Sorry. I really love both of you, you know.

Nuriko: [skeptical] Uh huh, and that's why you keep making fun of us, huh.

Me: [defensive] You always make fun of people you love!!! It says so up there in the warnings!!

Nuriko: [skips back and reads warning; eyes fill with tears] Awww, you really like us!!

Me: I do!!

Nuriko: Group hug!!!!

[They hug]

Nuriko: Hey, Hotohori-sama!! Wanna come join the group hug??

Tomo: Hey, Nakago, wanna…Ahhh!! Dammit!! You guys smashed Shin!!

Nuriko: Hey, does this one have a moral, too?

Me: Ummmmm, not really.

Nuriko: What, nothing? Not even a stupid one?

Tomo: [crossly] How about, "Smashing other people's magic shells is mean?"

Nuriko: Or, "Forgiveness is Divine?"

Tomo: Or, "Don't tease Nuriko and Tomo anymore?"

Nuriko: C'mon, you can think of one.

Me: Okay, okay…

Nuriko: Well? What is it?

Me: The moral of this story is…

Nuriko: Yeah? Yeah?

Me: "Tomo and Nuriko both like men, so they should get together! HAH!!!" [sticks out her tongue at them and runs away before they can punch her and/or stab her with feathers]

Nuriko: Dammit. She'd better be kidding.

(Note: Don't worry, I am! ^_^ )