Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers

Pairings: Sam/Mikaela, Bumblebee; Mikaela/Bumblebee if you squint

Note: This just came upon me one time while listening to this song. For whatever reason, my mind came up with this horribly depressing ficlet. I've been working on it for a while now, as I found myself near tears when I spent too much time on it. Not a happy story; consider it a sort of character study more than anything else.

"My Lover's Gone"

Song by Dido

My lover's gone

his boots no longer by my door

he left at dawn

and as I slept I felt him go

Returns no more

I will not watch the ocean

My lover's gone

no earthly ships will ever bring him home again

bring him home again

My lover's gone

I know that kiss will be my last

no more his song

the tune upon his lips has passed

I sing alone

while I watch the ocean

My lover's gone

no earthly ships will ever bring him home again

bring him home again

The shift of weight in the bed pulled her from sleep. Rolling over, she reached out a hand to him. To stop him from leaving.

"Sam."

He leaned over to kiss her, whispering his love against her lips. He stood, pulling away from her warmth and tugged on a shirt and a pair of jeans.

"This shouldn't take long. I'll be home soon, Mikaela."

She watched him leave, hearing an engine start before he was even outside.

Bumblebee. The camaro who brought them together; now he was taking Sam away again. Like he did almost every night for the past eight years since that day he came into their lives. She rolled onto her side, holding close the still warm pillow, full of his scent and waited for the sleep that never came.

She stared at the darkened doorway and reached a hand out to the now-cool depression in the mattress where he slept. They managed to graduate high school despite the epic battle they fought in. They even both tried being normal and taking the worn path of college. Those plans fell through as they took on new responsibilities for the Autobots and their war efforts.

Things worked out. They helped their allies and the government took care of them; sending a nice check their way every month. Money didn't drive Mikaela or Sam, though., loyalty did; Loyalty to their friends and family around them. For that, Sam allowed himself to be pulled away at all hours of the night, leaving Mikaela behind to stare out into the growing darkness.

Like all the past times, morning came without her noticing. Like so many times before, she laid there, waiting to hear the purring of Bumblebee's engine. Her eyes continued to stare unseeing, the light only a different kind of darkness for her. Her grip on his pillow tightened at the sound of an engine; a camaro pulling into the driveway.

The engine cut off. The door never opened and closed. The front door didn't protest being used, its hinges silent in the near-empty house. The stairs never creaked from added weight. No comforting arms wrapped around her chilled body.

She clenched her eyes shut, pushing away the heavy weight in her chest. She couldn't bring herself to jump out of bed and run to Bee and demand the answers she so desperately wanted. Answers Mikaela feared that she already knew.

The weight of the world pressed down on her, slowing her movements as she slid out of bed. She pulled on the same shirt and jeans from the day before, a slow franticness tainting her movements. Wanting to know but not wanting to know.

With the same sedated advance, she descended the stairs, each step adding to the weight in her stomach. She stopped in the hallway and stared at the front door, noticing the empty space next to the coat hanger. Sam kept his work boots there after she yelled at him once about tearing up the house with them. Gone now, Mikaela doubted she would see them again.

Her hand came to rest on the doorknob, its chill mocking her. In a rush of anger, she tightened her grip and jerked the door open, ignoring its groan of protest. The angry energy propelled her towards the yellow and black camaro in the driveway before the energy just as suddenly left her. She stalled just in front of Bumblebee, staring at the empty driver's seat.

She reached out with a hand and rested it on the hood, absorbing the warmth rising from the engine hidden beneath. She felt the camaro sink down on its shocks and she frowned.

Yet when she opened her mouth to speak, the words fled from her. She closed her mouth and swallowed, the action difficult as her throat tightened. Mikaela clenched her jaw and blinked rapidly, pushing away the blurriness in her eyes. She looked away from Bee, regaining her composure and finding her words again.

"Let's go for a drive, Bee," she whispered with a rough voice.

The driver's door opened with a sluggish movement and Mikeala moved around the side and settled herself into the seat. With unbecoming gentleness, Bee shut the door for her. A sense of disconnect came over her and she traced the Autobot symbol on the steering wheel.

"It's suppose to be a nice day," she said with the same hoarse whisper. "Let's go to the overlook, Bee."

Bee started the engine and backed out of the driveway, not bothering to mention the overhanging clouds and the threat of rain. The silence of the drive wasn't unexpected but as it grew, so did the tightness in Mikaela's throat.

Pit. Pat.

Raindrops hit the windshield, gently at first, then the storm clouds above unleashed their fury. It reached her ears as white noise, her gazing eyes unseeing of the torrent around them. A click from the dashboard and the soft voice of a woman carried out from the stereo. What words she could understand from the unfamiliar tune pulled at her still unresponsive soul.

The stinging in her eyes returned and she reached out, hitting the knob, promptly cutting off the mournful song.

"Not now, Bee," she said.

The car shuddered and continued driving. The rain continued its assault, flowing across the camaro like a river. Mikaela glanced out the windshield, not really seeing how the water distorted the outside world.

The camaro came to a stop and cut off the engine. It took a moment for her to realize that their momentum ceased. Reaching for the door handle, a sound of protest emerged from the radio. She ignored it, exiting out into the pouring rain. She wasn't but a few steps away from Bee before her clothing found itself plastered against her skin.

Her steps slowed to a stop, feet sinking into the mud. Inertia carried her to her knees. Shudders ran through her as she dragged her fingers over the warmth of her face, clashing with the chill of the rain. Her vision blurred and a choked sound escaped her lips.

The dam broke, releasing a torrent of anguished tears. A keening sound fell from her lips, stuttering into a deep sobbing. Mikaela wrapped her arms around her soaking, shaking body as though bracing herself against the harsh grief. Memories rose up in her mind's eye with a life of their own. Sam's goofy smile and how contagious his smile was for everyone around him.

Never again would she see that smile. Never again would she hear him sing; his hidden talent that he only revealed to her. Never again would they sit together with Bee here at the overlook, enjoying the companionship they shared.

The rain stopped.

Slowly Mikaela lifted her head, only to see the rain still falling only feet from her. She sniffled and tried blinking away the tears so she could comprehend what was happening.

"I'm sorry, Mikaela." Bee kneeled over her in his bipedal form, blocking the rain.

She shook her head pushed herself up to her feet, swaying as her legs threatened to give out. Warmth surrounded her as Bumblebee caught her trembling body in his hands. She relented to the wordless offer and rested her weight on his cupped hands. He lifted her up and brought her closer to his chest, the warmth of his hands merging with the warmth from his body.

It chased away the coldness of the rain, but not that of her heart. She choked back a sob and pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. For a while, only the rain spoke, filling the air with its white noise.

A rattle of air intakes warned of Bee's coming words. "We were on our way to the base," he began to say, hesitation preceding each word. "Barricade and Kickback ambushed us. I told…I told Sam to run, that I would hold them off…"

Mikaela craned her neck to look at Bee's face as he trailed off into silence, noting the dimmed optics. Clenching her eyes shut, she fought back another wave of tears. His pain burned as great as her own and she could even hear it in his voice as he began speaking again.

"I should have remembered, where there's Barricade, Frenzy would be around as well," he said, voice shaking and weak. "I'm so sorry, Mikaela." His air intakes rattled more fiercely and Mikaela jerked her head up to look at him again.

His optics grew even darker.

"I failed to protect him!" he wailed before dropping into a desperate whisper. "I failed him…I failed you both."

"No," Mikaela replied with a fevered resolve, surprising even herself. She rose to her feet again, secure in the knowledge that, despite Bumblebee's words, she was safe in his hold. She grasped at his chassis, drawing his optics to her eyes. "No, Bee, it isn't your fault." Her words struggled past her tightening throat and the strain of speaking was evident in her voice.

He shook his head, water falling with drunken determination from his head as the rain continued to cascade around them. "But it is," he said softly. "By the time the others showed up, it was too late. I- I held him in his final breaths and…and he made me promise to watch over you...both of you."

Her grip on him tightened and she rested her head against his metal frame, one hand unconsciously sliding across her belly. Two weeks since that discovery. Two weeks that she wasn't allowed to join Sam and the other Autobots. She blinked back more tears as she realized that only hours ago, Sam died where she now stood; here in Bee's hands, without her.

"I have failed you both once already." His words broke through the growing sorrow of her mind. "Who is to say I won't fail you again?"

Mikaela slammed her fist against his chest. "Stop it, Bee!" She cried. "Don't even think about leaving me! Don't you dare!" Anger welled up inside her, surprising her that she could feel anything but sorrow at this time.

Silence built up between them again, the white noise of the rain filling the void. Mikaela pressed her forehead against Bee, a shaking whisper escaping her.

"I don't want to be alone."

Bee's hands tensed around her. "You aren't alone…you'll never be alone," he replied with an equally hoarse whisper.

She knew he told the truth and it did touch her, but…

"It hurts so much, Bee," she whimpered, finally coming her knees in his palms.

"I know," he answered. "Let it out Mikaela, I have you."

And so she did, mourning the loss of her lover. Bee held her through the torrent.

fin