Okay this one took ages to write because:

A) Final Assessment Period for University.

B) I accidentally deleted the folder where I keep all my materials without realising it.

C) I got lazy

Still have two weeks to go till im done at uni...

Oh and by the way, to all those who have commented on Miata's character being a little erratic. There's a reason my concept song for her is 'Can I Play With Madness' by Iron Maiden...

Chapter 20

Day 7 12:47 AM Fuyuki City

Bao Wei could feel the malignance of the working that had been summoned into the world from five kilometres away. It was a pulsating thing that loomed over the landscape like some enormous tumour. All his senses shrieked for him to destroy it, cleansing the earth his power was tied to. For now though he would leave it to serve his purpose.

"Master Matou," said the oriental mage to the figure standing in the shadows at his side. "There's but one last thing I require cleared up before I agree to our little... Partnership."

"And that is?" came the rasping voice in reply.

Bao Wei turned to face the other mage, staring at the shining lime green eyes that were the only things he could see of this twisted man.

"What do you gain out of this? Tell me that," demanded Bao Wei. "You just as well as admitted that tonight's work is by your hand. With something like that why do you require my help?"

The dark shape chuckled, dry coughs that seemed more mocking than amused.

"Ah, such suspicions. Why it's as simple as this. I do not quite trust the tools I have to work with at the present, so how can it hurt to gain an ally or two? Especially as I have no designs upon the Grail myself." Matou chuckled again.

And I can believe as much of that as I wish. Bao Wei thought as he joined in the laughter.

"Very well," he said once Matou had gone silent. "I will agree to help you if tonight's work goes as you plan. If not... Well, in that case we may have to make new arrangements." He gave Matou his best smile.

"Why of course, Lord Chouryoung," came the smooth reply. "Now if you will excuse me I must go and make sure that things do go according to plan."

With a slight rustle the dark figure vanished from Bao Wei's sight, a fact that disturbed him more than it should have. Recognising that, he angrily shook his head to clear if of any other weak thoughts.

"Yes indeed, Master Matou," he muttered under his breath. He got some items out from his pockets and began scattering them around himself. "If things don't go as planned... New arrangements will have to be made." He smiled again, a smile that revealed his true, cold nature. "Won't they not?"

----------------

Day 7 12:44 AM Fuyuki City General Hospital

Empty heart, empty mind. The perfect calm within the flames of battle that only those select few born to battle can experience. No fear, no hesitation, nothing but the sword and the next enemy to be killed.

Excalibur wove a golden net in the face of the demons who were charging the indomitable servant. A wall of bright air just as solid as one of steel and much more deadly. Lost in the dance of death Saber had long since stopped caring about how many perished at her hands.

Not enough.

More of her master's silver arrows rained down on the demonic masses crowding Saber, creating a slight pause in their relentless assault. Then, it was back to hacking and slashing again, the clear space around her being ground away inch by bloody inch. In the back of her mind a coldly rational part of her recognised that she couldn't keep this up for much longer. And if she couldn't... What then?

Even distracted by such thoughts Saber's instincts were still functioning perfectly well, and they proved their worth once again as Saber suddenly leapt as far as she could into the air. It wasn't a conscious effort on the servant's part and it didn't occur to Saber to even look down until a burst of light from below lit up the clearing she had been fighting in.

Already pitted and scarred from Saber's fight with the demons, the once tranquil glade was being torn apart by snaking trails of green-tinged lightning.

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

"Chungryoungdo!! ~ Green Dragon Crescent Blade!"

That echoing command was the first hint Shirou had that anybody was there. It was therefore with great surprise that he turned to see the blast front of Rider's noble phantasm rushing towards him. He had no time to duck or close his eyes. For what seemed like eternity he stood frozen amidst the streams of roaring devastation that Rider had unleashed.

Calm down Shirou. He thought to himself once the ringing in his head had settled down enough. The incredible glare had nearly blinded him but he could still see the huge figure perched atop his horse in the not-so-far-off distance. Just because it felt like those lightning trails brushed you it doesn't mean you were in any danger.

Swallowing with a mouth that had suddenly gone dry he chanced a glance to his right where the closest of the jagged lightning bolts had passed. Five metres away a deep furrow had been carved into the soil. It was all too easy to imagine what would have happened to him had he been standing just that much closer.

The clip-clopping of a horse began coming closer to him, and a part of Shirou that wasn't frozen in terror began wondering how Rider would kill him. In his current condition he couldn't even hope to hold him off long enough for Saber to come to his aid. Even assuming she was in a position to do so in the first place. A simple decapitation maybe, or perhaps a mighty swing that would cleave his head in two. After all, provided that the phantasm's name was anything to go by, this was the most famous warrior in Eastern literature they were talking about here!

Someone got off the horse. Great. Rider wasn't satisfied with just taking his head in passing. He was going to take his time about it. Shirou banished the black bow he had been holding and traced Kanshou and Bakuya into existence. So be it. If he was going to die it would be with swords in hand.

"Looks like you guys at least managed to survive while I was gone," for a second or two Shirou didn't realise what he was hearing. He was too busy marvelling in the fact that he was still alive. "Oh, Rider-san wants to apologise for nearly hitting you just then, he says he didn't see you," the voice continued. "Normally I wouldn't believe that but since this Rider is who he is... I thought I would take his word on it. Uh... Shirou? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Shirou forced his stiff neck around to face the speaker.

Rin was standing there, tilting her head in a look of naive confusion that Shirou was all too familiar with, the one that said that the cat had not only taken the cream, she had charged it onto his account.

"Rin... Why are you with Rider?" Shirou managed to squeeze out that vital question.

"Hmmm, maybe because I'm his master?" Rin answered straight out.

? ... !

Shirou's mouth was hanging open in shock. Rin was Rider's master? Impossible, she hadn't even known about the grail war starting again. She couldn't have summoned that servant without his noticing. Could she? Then again, it was Rin they were talking about. With the Red Demon in play something like that was... All too possible. Could it be that she had been playing him for a fool all along? Acting dumb when she intended to -.

"~Sigh."

THUMP.

"ARGG!"

"Idiot. I was joking," Rin told Shirou with an annoyed expression on her face. "I just happened to meet him on the way back that's all. His master told him to find out what was going on over here and I managed to persuade him to help us. To be honest I wasn't sure how much help he would be but - ... Huh? Where did everyone else go?"

"Eh?" Shirou stopped rubbing his head and straightened up. There was no one around, even Saber who had seemed like she was on the verge of collapse when he last looked had gone.

"Saber? Where are you?" he called out.

"We are over here Emiya-san!" Ciel's voice answered back. "Come over here, you need to look at this."

When Rin and Shirou drifted over they found the two servants and the church refree crouched over something on the ground. As they got closer Shirou saw that the lump was moving, squirming around as if it were alive and occasionally budding off black bubbles that were ruthlessly cut down by Saber or Rider.

Shirou's eyes took on a worried look when he saw how battered his servant was, hurrying to her side he inspected her from head to toe and breathed a sigh of relief when he could find nothing obviously wrong. "Hey Saber, are you alright?" he finally asked.

"Yes, Ciel-san healed me. Thank you for asking, Shirou," she gave him a warm smile.

"Is that where those monsters were coming from?" Rin asked after exchanging nods with Ciel and Rider.

"It appears that way," said Ciel. "Although those things were demons, not mere monsters."

"Demons?" Rider had a loud and rumbling voice that made Shirou picture an avalanche. "I've never fought demons before, it should be interesting."

"That may have to wait Rider," Saber said while looking back at the hospital complex. "That Devourer that Caster set upon us is coming again, and someone else too."

Rider didn't seem put off by the thought of facing Sanguista again. "More demons?"

"No," answered Shirou, by reinforcing his eyes he had been able to make out the details Saber couldn't. "It's... Lancer and his master, and they are... Carrying someone?"

That last observation caused a few eyebrows to go up in surprise. The Einzbern's weren't exactly famous for their charity work.

"Lancer, is it," muttered Rider as he stroked his beard. "Whatever the reason he will be here soon at the rate he is going. I wonder if he would take me up on another duel."

Silence.

Ciel broke the silence by demolishing the twitching hand at her feet without looking at it. "Rider-san," she called the servant with an empty smile.

"Yes?" even the gigantic servant looked a little nervous in the face of the blue serpent's glare.

Ciel's smile grew wider, and colder. "Please leave any personal matters until after this disaster has been sorted out please. Or you won't enjoy what happens."

Rider made as if to bluster in outrage, but then thought better of it and merely nodded. Smart of him, Shirou thought, not even a hero of the three kingdoms could be a match for a terror like the Curry Monster.

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

Sometime later, when Lancer and his master reached them, Rin greeted Frederick with an enmity only centuries of feuding could bring.

"Hello Einzbern, I see that you are running with your tail tucked in between your legs as - ... Us - ual?" Rin choked as she finally saw the woman Frederick was silently holding in his arms. "Shirou... It's..."

Shirou's eyes went wide as he saw who it was Frederick had put on the ground, a face that he had never expected to see in Japan, a face that belonged in some of his worst nightmares.

"Miata?!" exclaimed Shirou when he was able to force himself to accept that it was her. "Why is she here? Rin, did you hear anything about this back at the Association?"

Rin shook her head. "Not a word, although... El-Melloi was looking a little too pleased with himself when he told me to have fun at home..."

Rin and Shirou looked at each other, then silently cursed their supposed 'mentor'. The old bastard knew why they tried to stay as far away as possible from the unholy terror in front of them. In fact, he was one of the ones who had had to clean up the mess from the last time they had run into Miata. Was this his not-so-subtle form of revenge?

Saber wondered what her master and Rin were thinking about. They seemed quite agitated by the woman's presence here. Was she a threat then? She was sure it couldn't be as simple as that. A mere enemy wouldn't have brought up the curiously mournful expressions her two friends were wearing.

Others had noticed the same thing.

"I see you know who this is," Frederick said in the drollest voice he could manage. "Was your experience with her as tumultuous as mine has been in the last hour?"

Rin and Shirou gave him understanding looks, forgetting for the moment their mutual distaste for each other the three of them gave out a collective sigh. Miata was a tiring person to be around, and as Rin and Shirou had found out to their cost, the problem did not go away in the least if she happened to like you. If anything it only got worse.

The moment passed and Frederick regained some of his Einzbern posture.

"So," he began with the disparaging look that Shirou could swear was bred into that family.

"So, what do you plan to do now? It doesn't look as if any of your servants can stop that disgusting thing from spreading, and alas, Lancer here has tired himself out for the day because we had to save this lady here." He gave each of the mages a questioning glance.

No one had an immediate answer for him. Shirou and the others had been too busy fighting Sanguista to draw up a clear course of action.

Rider on the other hand had seen enough.

"This thing was summoned by Caster you say?" he waited until Ciel and Shirou nodded. "Then its simple, we find and kill the witch. Every spell goes awry once the maker dies."

Lancer agreed but shook his head at the other servant's simplicity. "Easier said than done Rider. You don't appear to have been fighting against this thing for very long, but going into that mess, even with my phantasm, will be hard enough. To find and kill Caster at the same time, well now. Even I would find it difficult."

That was as much as the proud warrior was allowed to admit, a refusal in itself. Saber found it hard to blame him for it. She had been fighting on the outskirts of the thing and had struggled, it had to have been much harder for him to come out from amidst it. It said much for his prowess as a warrior, and it was a telling sign of how difficult the task was that such an accomplished servant would not go back in.

But she had something he didn't.

"Shirou." She kept her voice quiet. "There is one way we could do this."

It took him a while to realise what she was talking about with Saber looking on at him, but realise Shirou did, and he was no happier about it than the second time she had asked him.

"I said no, Saber." Shirou said in an imperious tone. "And no means no."

His servant looked at him unhappily for a while longer, but bowed down in front of his will. Rin on the other hand was more vocal in her opposition.

"Shirou, what's the point of having Saber on standby like this if you aren't going to use her as needed? Besides, there's no way anyone is still alive down there." Rin stared into his eyes, her brilliant blue gaze challenging him to deny her statement again.

But this wasn't an argument Shirou was going to back down from.

"Rin, if I could survive that holocaust Kiritsugu found me in someone could very well still be alive down there. I will not forsake them."

Rin stared at him in disbelief, "Is that what this is about Shirou? You are going to stand here and let that thing spread because of the impossibly small chance someone is still alive down there?" Shirou didn't answer and looked away, provoking a frustrated growl from Rin. "Honestly," she muttered under her breath. "I know I promised to change you but this wasn't what I was trying for."

The two turned away from each other and refused to speak another word. Saber looked on with an worried look in her eyes but she didn't say anything either.

Everyone else had been watching them but didn't say anything when the argument wound down. All but Ciel had questions about what exactly Saber had to cause such disagreement between Rin and Shirou, but considering the mood in the air even the thickest of them was wary of broaching the subject.

Finally Frederick asked his question again.

"So, what are we going to do?"

No one had an answer for him.

----------

Day 7 13:02 AM Fuyuki City General Hospital

"So how does it feel to go from one master to another before the body is cold?"

Archer quirked an eyebrow at Caster's sarcasm.

"You know Caster, you are the last person I would have expected to object to my actions." Archer replied.

Caster covered her mouth in mock horror and made as if to cry. "How could you accuse me of such things Archer? Everyone knows that I am but the most faithful of servants."

They both laughed at that ridiculous statement, but the laughter never reached their eyes. Archer's yellow eyes were cold and distant, Caster's amber orbs calculating and just as chilly. The uneasy partnership they had settled on was a new and unstable thing, not helped in the least by the natures of the two servants. Archer who no longer trusted anyone, and Caster who saw everyone as a tool to be used and discarded.

"Are you both quite done?" Snapped an irritated voice.

Archer jumped and turned to face the figure standing in the shadows, disbelief apparent on his face at being taken so unaware. Caster raised a glowing hand as well before she frowned and lowered it, then she gave a slight curtsy, recognising and acknowledging the man she called master for the time being.

"Master, what you doing here?" Caster spread her hands out to indicate the images visible in the pool, they showed Sanguista spreading unchecked into the hills that surrounded he hospital. "As you can see I have everything well under control."

"Well under control?" Sarcasm dripped from every word. "Then explain that if you will?"

A wooden cane came up and pointed at the body of Sakura, lying where it had fallen after Nara had taken her head. Caster saw it and sighed. Even after she was dead the little bitch made trouble for her.

"I apologise for getting your puppet killed master, but surely it is no great loss?" she paused to see if he would deny it, and nodded to herself when he didn't. "None among the other master know of her death yet, and it should be easy enough to hide the fact from the Church. Besides which, master. Soon we will not need to worry about such minor details."

Caster's master sighed. "Very well then, Caster. Continue as you were. Oh, and I see you have a minion. How did this come about?"

Ignored until now Archer turned angry eyes to the insolent wretch before him.

Archer didn't bother being tactful as he phrased his displeasure. "I am nobody's minion, worm. If you wish to stay alive you would do well to remember that."

Even in the face of such a blatant threat Caster's master did nothing but chuckle dryly.

"Make light of your bonds if you wish Archer, but a man who wears chains will always be a slave." Green eyes flashed in the shadows. "Remember that if you will."

Archer grated his teeth but could not make an immediate comeback. The wretch had the right of it, he had accepted a leash again, a lighter one perhaps but still a leash. The thought made him growl in anger. Being insulted like this by someone whose face he couldn't even see was aggravating in the extreme. Another debt for him to repay once this was over.

"Now, now Archer, don't get so worked up over nothing," said Caster as she came between him and her master, smiling easily but not without an annoyed glare or two at her master for being so childish as to provoke the ill-tempered servant.

"Do you see how those masters and servants are gathered over there?" she asked as she pointed at one of the many shifting images in the pool of blood. "If I sent, um..." she bit her pretty red lips in thought. "Twelve of the greater demons. Would twelve of them be enough help for you to kill a master or two? If not try and find Assassin, he seems to have disappeared again and I don't want him running loose."

Archer didn't say anything for a while, simply staring at her with eyes that showed barely restrained rage. Just when Caster thought she would have to use one of the command seals she had taken from his master he nodded and stalked off.

Letting out a breath she hadn't even realised she was holding Caster waited until Archer had left the underground carpark before whirling upon her master.

"Master," her forehead furrowed of its own accord. "Was it truly necessary for you to bait him like that?"

"My apologies Caster, I simply thought to test how far we could trust his word." The man in the shadows bowed. "From here on in I shall leave him to your superior judgement. If you will excuse me I shall go back to my abode. Report to me when you are done here."

Caster curtsied deeply and by the time she raised her head again her master was gone. Sanguista rushed to fill the dimly space he had occupied, as if his presence had been something even the near mindless creature had been wary of. Once she was sure she was alone Caster bent to her tasks with a will. Although her master had overlooked these mistakes there was no guarantee he would be so forgiving the next time. Better then to make sure he had nothing to get angry about.

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

There was no way she would have known but not everyone had left the chamber. From her/his/their perch on the floor above Assassin/Miata was still observing Caster through the hole that Archer had made. Even had Caster known there was no way she could have found him/her/them. Veiled by Perkephalaia Assassin/Miata was as near undetectable as anything in this world could be.

When it had been ascertained that Caster was no longer thinking of anything but directing her summons he/she/they decided to make a move. Slipping down to the floor Assassin/Miata hung in the air upon Pterygas's wings of wind. Closer and closer he/she/they got to the unsuspecting Caster, until finally only a distance of two metres seperated Harpe's edge from Caster's neck.

Assassin/Miata paused here. Perversity and gamer tradition required that he/she/they say something here, but what? Heedless of Caster's moving about beneath her/his/their feet Assassin/Miata hung in the air thinking of what to say, until the perfect line was found somewhere in the wide knowledge of media Miata had brought into their union.

"Hasta la vista, baby." Assassin/Miata whispered with a childish grin.

Caster turned around to see who had spoken, but too late. Harpe was already plunging down towards her unprotected neck.

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

A shimmering in the air was the only sign anyone was there as Caster fell back. Whoever was attacking seemed to have reckoned without the barrier that Sjesaix represented. Nothing that was not purely of this world could penetrate the walls of the Zenith Sanctuary, and whatever else they were servants were definitely no longer a part of this world. With that reassurance Caster got up again to cast a spell at the insolent attacker, but when she looked at where she had been standing she swallowed nervously.

Only a foot or so seperated the place she had been standing from the edge of Sjesaix. Had she been one step farther off she would not have been standing now.

The shimmering disappeared and revealed Assassin, looking rather different from the last time she had looked at him. An assassin dressed in white? Ridiculous. Any thoughts of how close she had come to death again banished from Caster's mind as she drew herself up to confront the other servant.

"Greetings, Assassin. I give you two choices. Surrender and die quickly, or die slowly. You cannot hope to win with both me and Sanguista against you," Caster gestured at the wroiling mass of dark tentacles behind Assassin that but awaited her word to attack. "And you will never get through Sjesaix with the puny phantasms at your disposal." Caster's sneer made her opinion of Assassin's ability clear.

Assassin stared back at her wordlessly, and something about that gaze disturbed Caster even through her twisted mind. Something about him that she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"So this mess you called up is called Sanguista?" Assassin's words weren't really a question as his next words revealed. "Not much trouble at all. Do you really think some moronic summoning and a clumsy ward like this is enough to kill me Caster?" Caster frowned, where was Assassin's confidence coming from, and why did she feel so much prana emanating from him? She had no more time to think on the matter as Assassin made his intentions clear. "You can try if you wish, but I doubt you will succeed. So -."

Caster nearly died again as Assassin threw his weapon without any warning. The crooked sword came screaming towards her, trailing turquoise prana that Assassin had wrapped around it. Sanguista and quick legwork saved her life, but the sword nevertheless came close enough to graze her chest as it went, the wind it carried knocking her back on her behind. Two seconds was all it took for Caster to recover from the attack and order Sanguista to attack, but it was more then enough time for Assassin to do something Caster had never expected.

He cast a spell.

"Atop stone of ancient earth.

Upon mirror of first water.

God laid down first foundation, Yesod."

Caster noted in the back of her mind that Assassin's voice had changed, sounding more girlish now than like a man. Then she no longer had time to think on such unimportant matters as a turquoise grid of light invaded the space covered by Sjesaix and destroyed the ward. Sanguista too was cast aside like dust by the spreading light, and Caster realised that nothing seperated her from death at Assassin's hands.

"Čachtice!!"

This time the attack was close enough that it cut a few strands of her hair as Caster disappeared into the Mirror of Blood.

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

Ehhh! Assassin, she got away!

From the depths of Assassin's mind Miata voiced her complaints.

"It's not my fault, Miata. If you had given me back control over my body faster I would have had her." Speaking calmly as if they were not surrounded by enemies Assassin shrugged in resignation. "Blame yourself if you are going to blame anyone, master."

He could sense Miata pouting although he could not see her.

Hmph. How was I too know that Caster's phantasm would knock me loose like that? That Sjesaix thing is cheap. Tiferet isn't supposed to be affected by anything!

Assassin very much wanted to tell Miata to grow up.

I heard that thank you very much!

Assassin shook his head in disbelief, he couldn't even think to himself like this. "No problem, Miata. What should we do now? Do you want to return to your own body?"

Hmm maybe but this is interesting too you know. Did you know that you could actually stay around in this world after the war is over? While the Grail brought you into this world it's me that keep you in here. As long as a link is maintained to the Throne of Heroes nothing stops you from staying over. Come to think of it I could get the other servants as well. Oooh, imagine what everyone back at the Clock Tower would be like if I brought back seven of you guys. Well, five of you and two girls I suppose. Saber seems like a girl too. Isn't that weird? A female Saber? You would expect a legendary swordsman to be a man wouldn't you? Hey, maybe I could -

"That's enough, Miata." Assassin told her as he rubbed his head. She was starting to give him a headache. "As I've said already, what should we do? I don't really trust that Einzbern mage with your body, and -." Assassin stopped, something of what Miata had just babbled on about was too troubling for him to ignore. "Wait a moment, Miata. Did you just say you would take back seven servants if you could?"

A mental nod.

"You mean you would take back Caster if you could?!" Assassin was shouting now.

Sure, why not? Miata sounded honestly confused.

How about because she's a homicidal maniac who aims to kill everything and anything who gets in her way? Assassin directed that thought at his master.

Oh, you are just misunderstanding her, came back the carefree reply. I'm sure that she would have a much more cheerful outlook on things after a night in bed. Mmmm, that would be nice, she looked tasty.

Assassin knew when to give up. When Miata got like this there was no stopping her. On top of which... She wanted to bed Caster? He shuddered, he would rather bed Medusa herself, at least then he could count on being killed from the front.

Miata caught the thought, and ran with it as was her wont.

Medusa? Oh, right. You would have seen her wouldn't you. An understatement if ever there was one. Assassin thought about telling Miata but any such thoughts were driven out by her next few words. Wasn't she a beauty as well? Hey, come to think of it wouldn't she be connected to the Throne of Heroes too? I could summon her!

Summon... Medusa...

"Miata..." Assassin was having trouble keeping his voice steady after imagining Medusa loose with his master on the reins.

Yes?

"How about we just go and put you back in your body for now?" Anything to keep her mind from straying like this. Anything! "We don't know what that slimy mage could be doing -." Inspiration struck. "I mean he could be feeling up your body right now," Assassin said as nonchalantly as he could manage. "You don't want that do you?"

Eww! Huh? --- Wait a second Assassin, there's someone else hanging around here.

"What? Hey!"

Miata took control of Assassin's body again. Stretching out a hand she cast one of her Soul Strands outwards where it wrapped around an ephemeral form. From the safety of his mind Assassin wondered what his master had found to play with now.

"Eh?! So Archer killed you?" She was saying. "But - Oh... Really? We can? A whole building? Someone else... Ah, right. Saber. Thanks Nara-chan, take care now!"

"What in Hades was that, Miata?" Assassin asked as he slid back into control.

Well, it looks like Archer killed his master here. He was still hanging around here instead of moving on so I took the opportunity to talk to him. And - why aren't we heading back to my body yet Assassin?

"Huh?" Assassin had a thousand questions to ask but Miata's sudden inquiry knocked him off balance.

I'll tell you everything on the way so get moving already, she ordered him. Anyway, Nara-chan, Archer's master by the way, told me that...

Omake

Emiya Residence ~ After Ciel's Visit

"Huh? What's this?"

Shirou picked up a little box from under the table. Looking closer he could see that it was one of those dvd cases. Examining it from all angles got him nothing as to how it had come to be there so Shirou decided to open it up.

'Detention With Ciel-sensei - Volume 9' was the title scrawled onto the dvd inside with marker pen.

"Oh, Ciel-san must have left it behind." Shirou said to himself.

He decided he should return the dvd to its owner, after all he was in enough trouble with Ciel-san already that he didn't need more. But then again...

"It wouldn't hurt to just have a peek now would it..." Shirou muttered, half trying to convince himself. The title was so intriguing damn it.

Curiosity overcame self-preservation. Shirou slipped the disc into the dvd player that Taiga had brought in and sat back to watch.

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

Static onscreen.

"It was this button wasn't it?" Ciel's voice. "Ah, there it is!"

The picture cleared up to reveal Ciel looking into the camera. She had her clerical garb on and the presence of her normal glasses on her face suggested that she wasn't about to do battle with anyone.

"Detention number 93, Greenacre-san and Berserker-san!"

The viewpoint changed to show Rinc and his servant looking warily towards the camera.

... ?!

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

Shrou paused the video. What in the world? Detention? For a servant and a mage who was no slouch himself when it came to combat? What the hell was Ciel thinking?

With no other way to find out Shirou pressed play again.

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

"Say hello to the camera please Greenacre-san!" Ciel again. "Now, I just came to tell you that the Association is quite unhappy with the mess you caused last night. However compared to Saber-san's actions it wasn't so serious so they left the punishment to me." The picture shook a little. "Is that okay?"

Rinc snorted. "Punishment? And exactly how, pray tell, are you going to do such a thing? No offense but you aren't thinking of taking my Berserker on are you?"

"No, no nothing so reckless as that." Ciel laughed, Berserker growled. "But do you mean to say that you are going against the will of the Church refree Greenacre-san?" Ciel's voice got colder as she went on. "If you are. There are certain protocols in place I would be only too happy to activate."

Rinc scowled but didn't argue the point, instead he chose a different tack.

"Fine then. What do you mean to do?" he asked of Ciel.

"Oh, I won't do anything to you Greenacre-san." Ciel seemed to be in full blue serpent mode as her voice took on depths of maliciousness that Shirou had only glimpsed. "Come on out M-chan!"

M-chan?

Onscreen a strange shape was taking form before the surprised eyes of Rinc and Berserker. A ball of what looked like mince had rolled out from where Ciel seemed to be standing and was now growing into some meaty shape. Meaty being the imperative word. Muscles of sausage and ribs of... Well... Ribs... Took their place on the strange figure, and when the shifting finally stopped what stood there was something that looked like some weird sausage-maker's idea of what a man made of meat would look like.

"What the hell is this?" asked Rinc incredulously. Shirou sympathised. What the hell was the thing?

To Rinc's obvious surprise the thing itself answered him.

"Who am I? Who am I?

Beef , pork? Can you guess what you eat?

You can't name me, I'm mystery meat!"

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

"Mystery Meat?" Rinc finally said. "Strange... It seems to be some sort of servant..."

Mystery Meat nodded, its head flopping back and forth on a pepperoni neck.

Rinc's eyes went cold.

"You must be joking, Ciel-san." Rinc told her. "What do you expect this... Thing? To... Do?"

A strange twitching was coming over Rinc, and when Shirou looked closer it was showing up on Berserker as well. Naked alarm appeared on Rinc's face as he and his servant took stumbling steps towards Mystery Meat.

"What the hell?" Rinc cried out. "Why am I... Why do I feel this urge to... Eat?!"

"UOOoooo - oh? Ugoh?"

Shirou watched with horrified eyes as Rinc and Berserker proceeded to take large bites out of Mystery Meat. For itself Mystery Meat just stood there laughing.

"Steady there, steady there," the construct burbled in its meaty voice. "Plenty for everyone."

Shirou didn't know if that was a trigger or not, but Rinc and Berserker's eyes went wide as Mystery Meat said those words. They appeared to be choking, their mouths trying to form words but failing. First Rinc, then Berserker fell to the ground and lay there. Twitching. A few seconds went by and their faces went green while foam started coming out of their mouths.

"That's all for now Meat-chan," Ciel-san said cheerfully off-screen. "They look like they've had enough." Her voice was as innocent as only the truely demonic could make it.

"Barbarians," sniffed her 'servant'. "No one appreciates true cuisine any more."

"Okay, okay Meat-chan. Go to sleep again now would you," Ciel again.

Mystery Meat nodded. "Okay master, but remember my curry when you wake me up again!"

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

The screen was filled with static again.

Shirou sat in front of the TV with a stunned expression on his face. What was that just then? Berserker and Rinc laid low in seconds? What kind of -.

His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the phone.

"I've got it!" Shirou shouted as he ran to get it. Anything to get his mind off what he had just seen.

However when he picked up the phone the voice he heard made his blood run cold.

"Hello Emiya-san!" Ciel's cheerful voice came out of the speakers. "It looks like you saw the dvd I left for you. Oh and a bit of advice, washing out your mouth doesn't help in the least. Take care now!"

Left with that portent of doom Shirou didn't notice the dvd starting up again. Or at least he didn't until he heard his own name come up.

"... number 94, Emiya-san and Saber-san!"

"WHAT?!"

As Shirou whirled around to stare at the TV again a curiously squish digit tapped his shoulder, just in time to synchronise with the horribly familiar figure onscreen who was standing... Behind... Him...

When Shirou managed to turn his frozen neck around he was greeted with a meaty smile that no one should have had to face.

"Beef , pork? Can you guess what you eat?

You can't name me, I'm mystery meat!"

-x--x--x--x--x--x-

A few seconds later Shirou's cry of horror echoed through the entire neighbourhood until it choked off. A few seconds after that, Saber joined him.

Mystery Meat Mk II

STR: D

AGI: D
END: D
MGI: D
LCK: D
NP: D

Skills

Battle Continuation: A++ (As long as the head is intact the rest of the body will keep fighting even if in pieces)

Regeneration: A (All damage repaired within ten minutes unless killed)

Noble Phantasms

"Beef , pork? Can you guess what you eat?

You can't name me, I'm mystery meat!"

Mystery Meat Theatre Type-II

Rank: D

Type: Reality Marble

Range: 1-3

Activates Cut My Own Throat Dibbler Phenomenon: A+++ (Anyone who sees Mystery Meat feels an irresistable urge to eat it at least once, taste is in inverse proportion to rank)

Origins

The Mystery Meat series were created during the unfortunate "Hotpot of Doom" incident where Hisui was accidentally left in charge of the cooking. Type-Zero (Type Zero was a "normal" piece of cooking that twisted time/space due to CMOTDP: EX, to create MMT Type-Zero) was created then, and immediately proceeded to overcome Arcueid, Ciel, Akiha, and Shiki. That incident was brought to an end by the appearance of Magical Girl Amber but the tragedy was to be continued.

After 'somehow' obtaining a sample of Mystery Meat Type-Zero, Kohaku proceeded to conduct experiments in her spare time. Unfortunately she was called away one day in the middle of a particularly delicate stage of her investigation and Mystery Meat Mk I (An intelligent, moving sludge) came into being. Escaping into the city the Mk I terrorised the night until Akiha, Arcueid, and Shiki teamed up to destroy the offending organism (Ciel was unavailable for the job as she was the first victim of the Mk I's reign of terror). Upon further inspection it was determined that the monster had escaped from Kohaku's lab which was then closed down by Akiha. This comedy of tragedies could have ended there if it wasn't for the fact that when Akiha told Kohaku to dispose of the remains she wasn't specific enough in her requirements.

Mystery Meat Mk-II came about after Kohaku used the remains of the Mk I and the dark grail as fertiliser in her "garden". The new and improved mystery meat Mk II that came out of this picked off the members of Team Shiki one by one until only Shiki himself remained. In the midst of their epic final battle Shiki was on the verge of defeat when the day was saved by Ciel's unfinished curry. As it turned out Mystery Meat Mk II could be tamed by feeding it curry. When the situation settled down Mystery Meat Mk II was adopted by Ciel who now deploys in troublesome situations.