Disclaimer: I do not own, I just play with

Lying in bed, Natsuki lay awake gazing at Shizuru, seeing how peaceful the brunette looked, arms wrapped around Natsuki's waist. Gazing down at her peaceful sleeping face, the raven haired woman absentmindedly stroked Shizuru's golden tresses, not really focused on her girlfriend, instead locked in deep thought. She knew she should be happy, she knew she should be grateful, but instead her emotions were in a flux of sorrowful turmoil.

Carefully untangling herself from the grasp of her lover, she slipped out of bed and softly shook her head. Leaning heavily against one of the four bed posts, Natsuki flipped her hair over her shoulder and gave a tormented sigh, though quietly. Her heart ached, and looking back at the sleeping beauty she was 'committed' to, she cursed her weak will. She knew what was the right thing to do, well what would have been the right thing, in the past, yet she couldn't help herself. Every time she did it, she knew it was wrong, and yet wrong seemed so right in Natsuki's life.

Quietly she slipped further away from Shizuru; though in truth the distance in the relationship was already at a peak. Moving towards their shared wardrobe, Natsuki rummaged around for a large travelling bag, being careful not too make too much noise. As she searched for the bag she contemplated her love, Shizuru, the Kyoto beauty that for some reason insisted on loving the unworthy motorcycle manic.

Natsuki couldn't imagine how strong Shizuru must have been at the start, more than a normal woman, or at least with a stronger love than Natsuki could comprehend. More than love, to put up with the blue haired girl's wandering eyes.

The first time it had happened, or the first time Shizuru had found out, Natsuki would never forget the expression in her eyes. There was no anger, just a quiet betrayal and hurt, no questions, just resignation as the photos lay on the table between them.

It wasn't just that though, the look, the expression, that had struck Natsuki the most, was the agonising pain. It was as though Shizuru was dying inside, and as she stared at Natsuki, it was as though she were pleading for the gun wielding woman to deny the evidence against her, not wanting to believe that her love, that her Natsuki, could be happy with another woman.

Natsuki had turned away.

She hadn't wanted to see the pain her actions had caused, and would cause. She didn't want to see the destruction of a woman she loved and cherished, because she knew that as much as she adored Shizuru, she wouldn't, couldn't, stop herself.

Dragging herself from the memory as she found the bag, she quickly set about gathering her clothes. She couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't stay, knowing that every time she walked out the door, it was killing Shizuru inside with the doubt and wondering; wondering if this time Natsuki was really doing what she claimed, or if she was meeting the 'other'. Natsuki didn't want to keep putting Shizuru through that, but she knew deep inside herself that she wouldn't be able to change either, she was ashamed but she wanted it too much. Better to leave than to carry on until Shizuru couldn't take it anymore.

Natsuki knew that Shizuru wasn't blind, that she saw through the ice queen's lies and façade. It was the same as Natsuki seeing through Shizuru's. To everyone else, both of them were normal, happy, and deservingly so after everything that happens. Yet neither could hide anything from the other, no matter how much they may try. Lately the strain had been showing on Shizuru more than normal, every time Natsuki took the time to check her appearance before leaving, it was the same…not obvious as such, but clear for Natsuki to understand, she wasn't stupid even if she was dense.

"I'm leaving now," said Natsuki airily, trying not to make too much of a big deal about it, while simultaneously trying to avoid eye contact with Shizuru. The former school council president looked at Natsuki, all the life and brightness leaving her eyes as her lover spoke.

"Ara, again Natsuki? I was going to cook for us tonight, perhaps extra mayonnaise would tempt you?" she asked, trying to keep her voice playful, but unable to pull it off as convincingly as she would have liked. She eyes lacked their normal shine, she smile wasn't as bright, and with Natsuki avoiding eye contact she knew she already knew she was fighting a losing battle.

Natsuki didn't answer, and Shizuru unintentionally let out a sigh. Moving forwards the crimson eyed belle gave her emerald eyed companion a soft kiss on the cheek, her arms wrapping around Natsuki's waist. It wasn't particularly tight, but it was almost clinging. Trying to catch her girlfriend's eye, Shizuru spoke reluctantly, "Will Natsuki be out late again, I could wait…?"

Natsuki gave a soft lopsided smile, lacking the sincerity that would have once been there, before it all began, before Shizuru knew, "Don't worry about waiting, I'll be hanging out with some of the girls, those bakas can go on for hours. I'll try not to be too long though," lied Natsuki, girls referring to the other HiMEs that she and Shizuru sometimes hung out with, but it was a lie she needn't have bothered telling. Shizuru knew Natsuki would be late, that there was only one girl she was hanging out with. Slowly letting go, she nodded in defeat and watched Natsuki leave, dying a little more inside.

Inwardly Natsuki winced, packing the last of the clothes she was taking. Because the bag was large, and most of her wardrobe was lingerie, she had managed to fit in most of her outfits…and she wasn't going to take anything else. She didn't want anything that would remind her of Shizuru, of the woman she had loved and tortured so much, the woman she was killing bit by bit each time she walked out of the door.

She didn't want to do it anymore, she didn't want to hurt Shizuru, not after everything they'd been through together. They had died together at the HiME carnival, and Natsuki hadn't expected to be revived. When she had, it had only been natural she go out with Shizuru, that she give herself up to Shizuru, that she love Shizuru…and she did.

As much as she was able, Natsuki had given herself to Shizuru, learning to enjoy what it was to love and be loved, of what it was to be in a steady and stable environment. They had moved in together, Natsuki struggling through summer classes to graduate so that she would not have to repeat a year. After the summer, Shizuru had started University and Natsuki had begun to work in a mechanics. It had been good, it had been great, they had been happy.

But then it happened, Natsuki saw her again, noticed a change, became interested. Natsuki had been interested, but at first she had resisted, spending more time with Shizuru, doing more with her loving and loyal girlfriend, making uncharacteristic romantic gestures…and perhaps that had been her undoing.

Shizuru had trusted Natsuki in the first place, but with her first and only love being so sweet, her trust was complete and unshakable. When Shizuru was offered a place on a month long exchange programme, she accepted, announcing it joyously to her stunned partner over dinner one night. Natsuki hadn't been happy, far from it, and her inner demons twisted and scratched for release into her mind, the idea of Shizuru gone for a month all too convenient. She was scared of her temptations, and had tried to protest, tried to stop any of this from happening, she had tried…

"Baka! You thought I'd be happy, you jetting off and leaving me, baka!" cursed Natsuki violently, standing up suddenly and overturning the table, and Shizuru flinched visibly. It was more because of her love's words than her actions, though both scared Shizuru more than a little. Still sitting, she clutched her tea, her hands trembling as she looked up at Natsuki, not bothering with a mask for once, letting the azure haired woman see her fear.

"Ara, I did not know Natsuki would be so angry," she murmured, her voice as steady as she could keep it under the circumstances, "I thought perhaps Natsuki would be supportive, she has been so sweet to me lately, I though she would understand," said Shizuru, a tremor slipping into her voice, her eyes starting to water with tears, and within a instant Natsuki was both calm and ashamed, rushing over to her auburn headed lover with a pained expression.

On her knees Natsuki put her head onto Shizuru's lap and asked softly for forgiveness, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…I didn't meant to be angry, I just…I…" she stammered, struggling to explain why she had reacted with such rage, so intense, and then she found her first lie. It was only a half-lie, but it was the first of many, "I'll just miss you so much."

Shizuru had believed it, and after promising that she'd call every night, it was agreed that she'd go. Looking back, it would have been better to make Shizuru stay, to argue harder, yet some part of Natsuki longed for the sin she knew she would commit. Perhaps, in hind sight, it would have been better to get a gun and end it before it started, so Shizuru and Natsuki could've been together before it happened, unaware of the pain and betrayal, but now it was far too late.

Nothing could repair the damage anymore, and Natsuki knew that if Shizuru watched her walking out of the door many more times, then the former known truant would be as good as a murderer. So this time Shizuru would not watch, would not see. Changing into her biking leathers, she left a letter on the side, and for the last time left a chaste kiss on the sleeping form of Shizuru.

Fearfully she watched the older woman shift in her sleep, breathing a sigh of relief when she settled. Turning away, she left the bedroom, and then the house. Carrying her bag, it would appear she were leaving, to Shizuru it would seem Natsuki had finally left her for the 'other'. But Natsuki knew…she would never love anyone like she loved Shizuru, and while she knew she was too weak to end her unfaithfulness, she was strong enough to end it all.

End it all, and Shizuru would never know. Instead, Natsuki could just imagine, Shizuru would wake, and see what had happened, see Natsuki was gone. She'd feel pain, then anger, but in time she'd get over it. She'd never see Natsuki walk out of the door, she'd assume the midnight woman was finally with her scarlet woman, and she'd move on. Shizuru would move on, and Natsuki would no longer feel the guilt that followed every lapse in her will.

As she forwent her helmet and roared away, out off town, far enough that no-one who knew her would find her, and raced towards the bridge's edge…Natsuki closed her eyes and saw Shizuru. And then, Natsuki saw no more.

The next morning, Shizuru awoke alone, Natsuki's side of the bed strangely empty. In a instant Shizuru was in a panic, because no matter what else her love did, she always came home at night. It was because of that fact that Shizuru could cope, that no matter how many times Natsuki sought the company of another, it was always Shizuru's arms she returned to. It was only Shizuru she loved, and while it tore the tea drinking addict apart to see Natsuki leave each time, she healed just enough to live every time Natsuki came back. It was no real way to live, but Shizuru loved Natsuki enough to put up with the constant infidelities.

Yes, it was true she hated it, sometimes found herself hating Natsuki for brief periods, hardly able to bare the fact that Natsuki was happy with someone else. She wondered if there was something wrong with her, something that was driving Natsuki to the web of that seductress, but she never asked and Natsuki never volunteered an answer. In the end though, in the deep reaches of Shizuru's mind, it didn't really matter. Natsuki left time and time again, but she always returned.

So where was she now?

Spotting the letter on the side, Shizuru grasped at it, hoping, praying, that it contained some lame answer, some lie to perpetuate her hope that Natsuki was coming home. Reading it though, her knees buckled and she fell down to sit on her bed, tears falling and staining the words.

Shizuru,

I have written this before tonight, so I had the time to put down what I need to say. Don't chastise yourself for not finding it before now, it hasn't left my side since I wrote it, so you would only read it when it was the right time, when it was now.

As you're reading this now, you will never see me again. I can't do this anymore Shizuru, I see the look in your eyes every time I leave, every time I walk out the door, I'm not blind. I can see it hurts you, I know, and yet being the baka that I am, I can't stop. I'm sorry, but saying sorry will never be enough, not after how much you've done for me, and how I've only repaid you with hurt and betrayal.

It stops now, I'm not walking out of the door again, not that you can see, not so you can watch. By the time you read this, I will have walked out for the last time, and this time I'm not coming back. I don't want to do this any more Shizuru, I don't want to be the reason you hurt everyday. Don't look for me, because I'm not coming back, this is the last time I walk away.

I want you to know that I love you, no matter what I've done I only love you. I was nothing you did wrong, it was my own weakness that made me fall into her web. I never loved her, and I don't know why I can't stay away from her, but I know that it kills you that I can even be happy with her. So it's my love for you, not her, that's made me go, so you don't have to suffer anymore.

I wish I could tell you why I've done the things I've done, but I can't…all I can do now is say I'm sorry, that I've been a baka, worse than a baka. I took your trust and betrayed it, and then I used your love…because I love you but I have a weak will. I love you, and I'm letting go. Sorry will never be enough for the pain I've caused you, your love trapping you like a bird in cage, and all I do is hope that by me leaving, the cage will open so you can fly again. Love again, love someone more worthy.

Gomen…

Natsuki

The hand writing was a messy scrawl, but the words were clear. Natsuki was gone, and she wasn't coming back. In shattered disbelief, Shizuru rose from the bed and tore over to the wardrobe, searching for a trace of Natsuki and finding none. It broke Shizuru's heart, something that not even Natsuki's unfaithfulness had managed. That Natsuki had left, that never again would the truant smile brightly for Shizuru, that never again would Shizuru see Natsuki's blush, or hear her yelling 'baka', or flicking her hair with her right hand, or any of the things Natsuki had done. That Shizuru would not see Natsuki do these things, and that the scarlet woman would…it brought Shizuru to tears.

Tears of anger, tears of loss, tears of emptiness. Shizuru could live knowing Natsuki was not hers alone in body, because much as it killed her inside, she knew that Natsuki's heart was hers and hers only. She knew that Natsuki would come back, but now, it was too much.

Going to Natsuki's side of the bed, she paused at the bedside cabinet, seeing a framed picture of the pair, in happier days. Picking it up, she softly stroked the still image of a smiling Natsuki, whose arms were around the waist of a also smiling Shizuru. They had been sp happy, it had been like a dream for Shizuru, a dream turned into a nightmare, but still not one she wished to wake from.

With Natsuki by her side she could always pretend they were the same as in the photo, that it was still as good as a dream. Without Natsuki, Shizuru had nothing she wanted to carry on for. Natsuki had been her everything, and without her she had nothing.

Pulling open Natsuki's dresser draw, Shizuru took out a revolver, Natsuki's revolver. Running her fingers over the shiny surface, tears splashed onto the metal. Natsuki had brought it after she had lost the power to summon her element, more comfortable to have it if she needed it. It was always loaded, and Shizuru was glad of that. Her hands were shaking too much for her to load it herself.

Pressing the gun against her chest, over her heart, Shizuru closed her eyes.

"I died inside when you left…but I lived with you by my side…ara, ikezu Natsuki, you kill me more like this than you ever did with Nao…if I cannot live with Natsuki a little, then I shall not live," she murmured, and then she pulled the trigger. She wouldn't die inside anymore.