A work inspired by Sonic Phantom. Credit where it's due to the author who first brought the idea of character answering machines to FE fandom. Written on a whim between the hours of 2:00AM and 3:00AM, Which oddly enough is when I usually get my best writing done. I can't write this shit when I'm awake and lucid.
I don't own Fire Emblem
Hector's Answering Machine
Sup, this is Hector. I'm not here now bitches, leave a message and I'll call you back if you don't suck.
(beep)
"Hey Hector, you sexy beast. Last night was amazing. Let's just keep this our little secret though, I don't want Lyn or my sisters to find out. They still think I'm afraid of you. Pfffttt, overprotective skanks.
(beep)
"HECTOR, you son of a bitch! I nearly got shot down by an archer, you owe me 5,000 gold in hazard pay. And Stay away from my little sister, you scare her."
(beep)
"Yo Hector, it's your boy Matthew. Change of plans man, my contact isn't coming through for another week. How soon do you need those steroids? 'Cause I know another guy that deals, but he charges extra on Fridays."
(beep)
Oye, Hector! It's Bartre. I'm heading down to the gym with Dorcas and Dart. Get your ass down here, Dart needs a spotter! Bring Pansywood so we can laugh at him.
(beep)
"Hey man, it's me Dart. Don't forget to bring the steroids."
(beep)
Hey sexy, it's me again. I think I left my panties over at your place. Hide them before Lyn comes over, she'll know they're mine. We used to fool around. A lot. Trust me, she'll notice.
(beep)
"Hector, it's Lyn. I'm at your place. I let myself in. Get back here, NOW, so I can fucking kill you."
(beep)
"Yo Hector, it's Dart again. We're all lifting man. I'm waiting on you. Don't you be ditching us for some hot lord on pegasus knight action. Bro's before ho's man, bro's before ho's.
(beep)
"Hey Hector, it's Sain. I got two tickets for a donkey show and Kent absolutely refuses to go. Wanna go watch some drunk chick go down on a horse?"
(beep)
"Sup, it's Matthew again. Listen man, I really need you to do me a solid. The watch caught me dealing and dragged me off to the slammer. Can you cover my bail. I promise man, this is the last time."
(beep)
"Hector, it's Fiora. I just got off the phone with Lyn. You're a dead man."
(beep)
This is a message from Lord Nergal, I await you on the Dread Isle. This is a message from Lord Nergal, I await you on the dread Isle. This is a message from Lord Nergal, I await you on the Dread Isle…
(beep)
"Yo, Sain again. We on for tonight? Tequilla's on the house. Did I mention there's gonna be a drunk chick going down on a horse."
(beep)
…You're gonna die in seven days…heheheheheh
(beep)
"Sup, this is Ike. You don't know me. I'm pretty much the new bad ass in town. I am to FE fandom what you used to be before FE9. But hey, you seem like an awesome dude. We should party."
(beep)
"Hello, this is Lord Pent calling to remind you that you owe me 10,000 gold in marrige counseling fees and to inform you that my threat still stands: If you ever stash your Asian ass porn in one of his tomes ever again, I will rain down your throat with streaming thunder, burn off your testicles, and turn your guts into snakes."
(beep)
"Damn it Hector, where's my bail? Hurry up and get me out of here man, they can't keep thieves in holding over the weekend. If you don't pay my bail tonight they'll be shipping me off to a real pound-me-in-the-ass prison first thing in the morning. Don't dick out on me Hector!"
(beep)
"Me again, Florina. Lyn found the panties and she went and blabbed to my sisters. Lay low for a while and just let me handle this. It's about time I got them off my back anyway. See you later sexy."
(beep)
"Hector, this is Kent calling to tell you that you SUCK! I was this close to getting some hawt action with Fiora and you had to go piss her off. Now she won't even talk to me. Thanks a lot jackass."
(beep)
"Yo, it's Eliwood. I don't know what you did man, but you totally just cock-blocked Kent and now Fiora won't even talk to him. I'll be making a move on her tonight once she's all vodka-ed up. Thanks a million buddy, you can be my wingman any time. Just for that I'm paying Matthew's bail.
(beep)
W00t W00t, l'm back on the streets bi-atch! You bailed me out just in time, they were about to put me in a cell with this guy named Gheb. I don't know how you got Eliwood to float the bill though. What did he make you do, suck his dick?
(beep)
Hector, why the fuck is Matthew running around telling everyone you sucked my dick to get him out of jail?
(beep)
This is a message from Lord Nergal, I await you on the Dread Isle. This is a message from Lord Nergal, I await you on the Dread Isle. This is a message from Lord Nergal, I await you on the Dread Isle.
(beep)
Hector, Lyn says she's cool with us going out as long as we still get to do lesbian stuff to each other. That's not gonna be a problem, is it?
(beep)
"Sain again, if you're not coming I'm giving your ticket away to this awesome guy I just met. Not sure if you know him, his name is Ike. He's a total bad ass, kind of like you only cooler 'cause he has a hot under-aged sister. Last chance man, are you in or out."
(beep)
"Eliwood calling with awesome news: Score! Grey Goose gets your girl loose, Fiora is a freak on a leash! Couldn't have done it without you Hector, you get the assist trophy on this one. Huzzah!"
(beep)
"Hey, it's Lyn again. You don't have any diseases, do you? 'Cause you've been with Florina, and I've been with Florina and, well, you know how it works…"
(beep)
End of Messages