Games

-oOo-

(Part I: Trauma)

"Eeh?" Hikaru looked at their charge queerly.

The customer blushed. "Er… That is… you two are always having us play the "Which one's Hikaru?" game, but I've never heard of you using the "Which one's Kaoru?" game."

"Hnn…" For the first time in the history of the Host club, the elder twin put on a pensive face. "We played that game too much when we were younger. I don't like it."

Kaoru gave his hand a warning squeeze, prompting him to get back into character, but before he could recover, their customers had already moved on to other questions.

By the time they went to bed that night, Hikaru had already shoved the memories that question brought up back into the furthest part of his mind. He had never liked hanging on to the past. It hurt too much.

And by the end of that week, the excitement of getting a new member would drown out any residual ache that was left.

Have you noticed Hikaru? How large our world's become? I'm loosing myself in it. Too weak to step forward. Too late to step back. I keep waiting. Waiting for you to notice. Waiting for you to care. Waiting…

Can you see her now Hikaru? Or perhaps the question is can you not see her now? Have you noticed how you can't seem to see anything else? Anyone else? Do you see it now? What she means to you. How she's affecting us. How she's killing me? What she means…

You've protected me all these years. I'm more grateful than you'll ever know. You never needed me. Maybe you never even wanted me. But you were chained. Tethered by your promise. You always hated people who broke their promises. You never broke yours…

So I'll be happy for you. I'll help you. I'm stronger now. I can stand on my own; even if it hurts to smile and watch you walk away. You always did everything in your power to make me happy. Now it's my turn…

I'm doing the right thing now, right? Hikaru? I'll be alright. Really.

Really…

"Hey Kaoru, everyone's getting together at Haruhi's, we're going to drag her to a commoner's festival!"

"Oh, really? Have fun then!" He turned to face Hikaru when he didn't respond.

"What do you mean 'Have fun'? You're not coming?"

"Nah, I have some math work that I need to look over, I don't quite get it."

"Why didn't you say so? I'll help you."

"Don't be silly Hikaru, I just need to look over my notes is all, it's nothing big. Plus you're going to be late if you don't hurry up!"

"Aw crap! Tono's going to have a fit!" He ran around frantically trying to find his cell phone. "Just don't have too much fun without me studying or whatever, alright?"

"Perish the thought!"

"Good, see ya!"

Kaoru watched as his brother jumped into their limo and disappeared.

Typical. You just can't depend on him anymore.

No, that's ridiculous. He's just finally opening up. I'm happy for him…

After a lapse of attention, Kaoru found himself walking through noisy streets, not really caring how or why he was there. It had happened before. He'd swear he had just been in second period when out of nowhere he was in the Host Club and Hikaru was cooing ridiculous things into his ear. It caught him off guard the first couple of times, but after a while, he just got used to it, figuring it was all just pointless things he couldn't even be bothered to remember.

That's right, it's not important anyways.

I just wish I remembered how I got here.

He sighed, doing everything in his power not to notice the dreamy looks and squeals girls were directing at him.

It was good for him though. Considering that there wasn't, in fact, any math work he needed to look over, it was probably better that he was at the very least out and about instead of moping around at home. Really, he was a host after all, it would be most unbefitting of him to be so unsociable.

"Hey kid!!" Kaoru turned around to see an unfamiliar man with his arm in a sling. "Yeah, you! You look strong, could you help me a second?"

"S-sure…" Not even giving a thought to the fact that he didn't even begin to resemble anything even vaguely strong, he followed the guy down an alley, figuring it wouldn't kill him to help him out.

What are you doing? You don't know this guy. You're a lost, weak looking teenager wearing designer everything. This guy's probably going to rob you blind! Forget that you don't even have anything of value on you, you're a perfect target!!

But… but what if he really does just need a hand? His arm was broken after all. It can't be that bad.

Before he could attempt to assure himself further, he felt a hand grab a hold of his shirt and he was flung against the alley wall. Suddenly he found himself face to face with a very large man and a very sharp knife.

"What a goody-two-shoes. Your money or your life kid."

SHIT.

What did I tell you?!

Damn it, where's Hikaru when I need him!

I told you that you couldn't depend on him!

You expect me to fight off a guy with a knife, by myself?!

You're not by yourself!

NO! I don't want to resort to that again!

Kaoru felt a fist connect with his eye and he was knocked into the wall. "Come on! Where's the money?!"

Ah… it hurts… it hurts… oh god, where's Hikaru?!

Just give it up! He doesn't give a shit about you anymore! I can help you!

I promised… I promised him!

So what?! He broke his promise a long time ago!

But… but…

Another hit landed and he started tasting blood.

Come on! This guy is going to kill you if you don't do something!

Hikaru… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…

The thug frowned. The kid was just sitting there, taking blows and looking like he was about to cry. Spoiled rich brat.

"Are you stupid or what!? I said…" He stopped, perplexed by the sudden grin that broke against this kid's face. The malicious undertone was rather unsettling.

"What the hell is your problem ki—"

He never managed to finish the sentence.

"Kaoru! Kaoru! There you are! Where have you been?! It almost midnight!!" Hikaru sprinted out into the darkness to meet his brother, but was surprised when his twin walked right past him. Shaking it off, he followed him inside. He still wouldn't stop and look at him. "Kaoru! Where were you?!"

His brother shrugged indifferently. "Out."

"Out where?"

"Dunno, just out."

"What happened to studying math?!"

"I finished."

Hikaru felt his irritation rising. They had gotten into the house, but his twin didn't even hint at possibly of waiting for him.

He caught up with his brother, grabbing his shoulder to turn him around. "Kaoru, would you please wait u— OH MY GOD!! KAORU! You… your…"

Hikaru's stomach churned. There was a prominent, dark ring framing his left eye, and dried blood smeared at the edge of his mouth and splattered across his cheek.

"Are you alright?! Who did this to you?!" He couldn't help but raise his voice. "WHO DID IT? I'LL KILL THEM. I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL—"

"Cool it Hikaru. It just some thug or something." He pulled his shoulder away from Hikaru's grasp. "Hope they got to a doctor alright. They seemed to be loosing quite a bit of blood." He added unaffectedly.

"What's up with you Kaoru? Usually just the sight of blood gives you nightmares for weeks."

"So I got over it. Why should you care?"

"'Why should I care?' Why wouldn't I care?!"

"Oh, come on Hikaru! I'm not a fucking 5 year old anymore! I can take care of myself!" Hikaru hated how much bigger his brother seemed all of a sudden. "Don't you have anything better to worry about?"

"L-like what?! Hey! Wait a second! Where are you going?!"

"My room."

"Why?!"

"I dunno, maybe sleep? Just maybe?"

"Kaoru you never sleep in your room!"

"Well, starting now I will."

Hikaru had little patience left for his brother's new found attitude. "Kaoru why the hell are you being so cold to me?! What the hell did I do?!"

"Tch. How typical. You really don't get it do you? You probably don't even remember."

"Remember what?!"

"Exactly."

"Kaoru! Why are you—"

"GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING DENSE! Even after all these years!"

"Wha—" Hikaru was essentially shut up when his brother's hand found a tight grip around his neck, pushing him against the wall.

"Certainly! Certainly, you remember Kaoru's shadow?" Two golden eyes glinted menacingly.

"H-his—" He managed to pry his hand away just enough to gasp a few breaths

"—shadow. Yes. His shadow who absolutely hates your guts."

NO! Stop it! STOP HURTING HIM!

"Tch." The hand receded and found the doorknob to Kaoru's room. "Be thankful he still has a soft spot for you."

Hikaru couldn't find the strength to move from the wall.

"I knew it was just a fluke when you won the 'Which one's Kaoru?' game." The door shut and the silence flooded his senses.

"N-… No… NO! KAORU! YOU PROMISED!" He punched the door as if it would somehow remedy the situation. "You promised…"

"KAORU!!"

Your throat is raw.

"KAORUUUU!!"

You're sure it's been hours.

"WHERE ARE YOU?!"

It was just hide and seek.

"KAORU!?"

You can hardly see through the rain.

"KAORU PLEASE I GIVE UP!! JUST COME OUT!!"

He's afraid of thunder.

"KAORU!!"

And lightning.

"KAORUUUU!!"

And the dark.

"KAORU!!"

You're shaking.

"KAORUUUU!!"

But it's not from rain or cold.

"KAORUUU!!"

You can't help but hate yourself.

"WHERE ARE YOU?!"

You were the one who wanted to play.

"KAORUUUUU!!"

You promised that you'd find him.

"YOUNG MASTER! RETURN INSIDE THIS INSTANT!!"

The servants are chasing you. You pay them no mind.

"KAORU!!"

Something grabs your wrist.

"Young master, please don't worry, we're all looking for your brother! We'll find him for you!"

Stupid maid.

"KAORU!!"

You try to pull away from the maid, but continue irregardless.

"KAO—"

"What?"

You turn to your right to see a very soaked butler leading a rather unaffected Kaoru.

"Kaoru!!"

Your arms are around him faster than even the lightning could boast.

"Geez Hikaru what are you freaking out about?"

He seems cold on many different levels.

"It's just rain you know."

He pulls away from you without so much as even hinting some form of comfort and goes inside.

Though by no move of your own, you get inside just in time to hear your mother praising Kaoru for being "such a big, brave boy".

For the rest of the night Kaoru does everything in his power to avoid you. Later, when you're both firmly tucked in bed, he moves away from you when you try to hug him and apologize.

You scoot over and try again.

He moves again.

This repeats itself until Kaoru rolls off the bed and walks around to the other side.

"Stop that." You say finally, sitting up to look at him.

"No." You frown.

"Why?"

"I hate you."

Your stomach churns.

"Who are you?" You ask flatly.

He frowns at you questioningly.

"My brother could never hate me. So who are you?"

"…not Kaoru."

"Well duh, but what's your name?"

"I don't have one."

"Shadow then."

"Huh?"

"Your name will be Shadow."

"Why?"

You shrug.

"…Fine."

"Where's Kaoru?"

He points at himself.

"No, Kaoru, not Shadow."

"He's in here."

"In your head?"

"Yeah."

"So bring him out."

"No."

"Why?" You can't help the pout that surfaces.

"He's still too scared to come out."

"That's dumb."

He shrugs.

"When is he going to stop being a sissy?"

"Dunno."

The aforementioned pout becomes quite comfortable on your face.

During day, everything is the same, no one suspects a thing. A grudging Shadow and you stick together, pull pranks, and mess around. To anyone except you, everything was perfectly in order.

But in the cover of darkness, you would spend hours trying to harass Shadow into forcing Kaoru from his cowardice.

And by the end of the second night, you're sick of his company.

"COME ON!!"

"No."

"Just make him come out if you have to!"

"I can't do that."

You decide that pouting on the edge of the bed is the proper reaction to this response.

He "tch"-es at you and turns to go to bed.

"Hey Shadow?" You turn suddenly.

"What?"

"Can he hear what we're saying? Like, what I'm saying?"

"Probably."

You grab the front of his pajamas so that you're face to face.

"KAORU!? Can you hear me in there?! Come out here right now! I'm sick of putting up with him!"

No response.

"You don't have to be scared anymore!! I'll protect you from everything I promise!"

"Stop yelling Hikaru."

"Please, Kaoru I miss you!!"

"Hikaru, I sai—"

"Shut up Shadow!"

The way your twin flinches and looks ready to cry silences you.

Shadow shoves you away, any sign of distress replaced by rage. "STUPID! THAT WAS KAORU!!"

The churning feeling returns. "That was… he… what?"

"You obviously don't miss him THAT much if you can't even tell who's who!"

"No! I really—"

"SHUT UP! WHY SHOULD HE TRUST YOU?!"

"Because I'm his brother! I—"

"GO DIE!! I HATE YOU!!"

Shadow is out the door without another word.

You look for him, but find neither hide nor hair. The rest of the night passes without sleep. Only regret.

The next morning you find out that your brother had sought solstice in your parent's room. Your mother is so overjoyed that 5 years after giving birth to you, one of her precious sons finally gave her a chance to act like a mother. She doesn't even think to inquire why Kaoru hadn't sought comfort from you instead.

And the charade continues.

Shadow is ruthless. Kaoru is finally starting to poke his head out from behind Shadow's back. Shadow's hatred and anger only grows as you continue not noticing or accidentally yelling at Kaoru.

From some twisted sense of spite, Shadow declares it the "Which one's Kaoru?" game.

He challenges you at random points throughout the week.

You lose.

"So Hikaru, which one do you think I am?"

"Y-you're Shadow."

"Wrong! That was Kaoru idiot!"

Without fail.

"Which one am I?"

"You're Kaoru!"

"Wrong again!"

Every time.

"What do you think Hikaru?"

"Shadow."

"That was Kaoru again!"

But out of sheer luck, you notice a trend. Putting everything on that one glimmer of hope, you decide to end it.

"Kaoru! Shadow!"

"What? It's almost midnight Hikaru!"

"Let's stop this once and for all!" His posture shifts as he eyes you.

"I already told you. You can't 'stop this' until you can tell who's who."

"Exactly. If I get it right, then Kaoru comes back for good and Shadow never returns."

Your brother frowns. "And if you lose?"

You pause thoughtfully. You hadn't thought of that.

"I'll leave you alone for a day!"

"Try the rest of our lives."

"NO! I'm not risking that!"

"Fine, no game."

"Please!"

"No."

"One week!" You managed to say. The thought of leaving your brother's side for any period of time makes your chest hurt awkwardly, but you're desperate.

"……Fine." He leaps out of your bed and walks to the door. "I'll come back in after one minute."

He shuts the door behind him as the clock strikes 12:08.

Time seems to grind to a halt and 60 ticks of a second hand seem to stretch into eons.

Just as you prepare to dart out the door and find your brother yourself, you hear the door squeak open.

"So, who am I Hikaru?"

"You're Kaoru." You hear yourself say despite the trembling of every inch of your body.

Kaoru goes still. "You… how…?"

"I got it!!"

Before Kaoru can react further you jump up and drag him into bed with you. He can do little more than avoid your eyes, looking ashamed. Only once you pull him into your arms do you realize how cold everything seems compared to him.

"Hikaru…"

"Mmm?"

"Did you mean it?" He looks up at you tearfully. "Did you mean what you said? About protec—"

"Yes."

"Eve—"

"Every word."

"Really." You answer before he can even open his mouth to ask. The smile he gives you makes you feel warm. "But!"

"But?"

"Only if you keep your end of the bargain!"

"Of course!" He replies indignantly, taking offense that you would think him the type to go back on his word.

"Good."