My Order of the Phoenix Parody, a harry potter fanfic

Hopes are high for the fifth Harry Potter movie. Sure, the last four have been absolute ripoffs to the LOYAL FANS, but this one not only has a DIRECTOR THAT IS NOT COLUMBUS, CUARON, OR NEWELL, but what we've been praying for since Chamber of Secrets—a NEW SCREENWRITER. Together, they hopefully will find a way to masterfully adapt the least filmable of the books to screen in a way that does not make HP FANS want to suicide bomb the WB, as is most often the case. So, without further ado...

HARRY is sitting on the swingset at a playground. Before you laugh at this image, it was in the book.

HARRY: I'm really sad. You should be able to tell this, as I'm wearing No Expression. I have three expressions, as you may remember. One is Happy Expression. One is Amazed Buggy Eyes, which I used up in the first movie. One is No Expression, for everything in between.

AUDIENCE: Oh yeah, we know. It's a good system.

A NEARBY MOTHER speaks lovingly to HER LITTLE BOY. HARRY's No Expression deepens to No Expression With What May Have Been A Blink, to show intense sadness. Actually, what he's sad about here is not hearing from HIS FRIENDS all summer like in the second movie, not his lack of parents, which, you know, he's probably gotten over by now. Although actually, if you've read the book you know he has heard plenty from HIS FRIENDS, but he's pissed that their letters have been pleasant rather than full of doomsday talk about VOLDEMORT being back. I'd be mad too. They're gonna burn for this, no question. Okay, so it's not quite clear what he's moping about, but the important thing is that we know he's a walking bundle of teen angst and woes in this movie (aka A JERKHEAD DRAMA QUEEN).

DUDLEY: Ghhshtwahf.

HARRY: What?

DUDLEY: Gmbhblwohlfah! Ghhhnnnntrfll!

HARRY: I'm sorry, but I really can't understand you. Why are you trying to talk like a ventriloquist?

DUDLEY: Acting, dummy, it's called acting. See, after having no lines in the third film and not being in the fourth at all, I'm eager to show people how much I've developed as an actor and all the thought I've given to my character's mannerisms, which include speaking in cockneyish grunts and wearing the expression of a stoned troll with brain damage and lazy eye after a pint of Benadryl. Now who's this Cedric dude whose name you keep calling out in your sleep, accompanied by throbbing moans and little screams? (decides he was being too subtle) Are you…?

HARRY: (whips out his long, quivering wand and waves it in Dudley's face, quite possibly the very worst thing he could have done in response)

Suddenly, the sky overhead darkens. HARRY and DUDLEY bolt like bunny rabbits, almost certainly because rain makes them melt like the Witch of the West. They obtain safety in a dank underground alley that looks like an ideal place for a rape scene. I heard that in some French movie, it actually was. The DEMENTORS, however, have no interest in violating OUR YOUNG HERO that way, for though we thought he could sink no lower than last year's bushy shag 'do, this pudding-bowl haircut thing he's adopted now makes him look a bit like a young lesbian. And not the "hot" kind.

DEMENTOR: Yeah, give me your soul is all I ask. Not your V-card, good gosh, no.

HP FANS: And they still haven't fixed the dementors! For the last time, they don't fly, and they're supposed to be big cloaked figures with darkness beneath their hoods.

RINGWRAITHS: We have our lawyers on speed dial...

HP FANS: Oh, fine.

To DUDLEY it looks as if HARRY is being pinned to the wall by an invisible force, so obviously there is nothing to worry about. A SECOND DEMENTOR then pins DUDLEY to the ground and hovers horizontally over him, his face slowly being sucked off. In the movies, the Dementor's Kiss is a gradual process that takes 8.5 years, giving you ample opportunity to halt it and snap out of it with your whole soul intact, so it's lost a lot of its KA-POWness from the books.

HARRY: Oh no, my cousin (who I hate, or who, at best, doesn't even register on my radar) is in trouble! From within myself I find the strength to poke you in the eye.

DEMENTOR #1: Curses, Harry Potter! You may have won this time, but—

HARRY: No, stay! I admit, the eyepoke was genius on my part, but this is the real cool thing I do to you.

A DEER—like Bambi's dad, only wispy, white, and all-around gayer—flies gracefully out of his wand (even if it didn't really look like the deer, that's what it was).

DEMENTOR #1: Okay, I'm going, I'm going.

HARRY: Okay, Stantler! Confuse Ray, now!

DEMENTOR #2: I'll leave you alone if you promise never to make another Pokémon reference.

HARRY: No deal!

NON-READERS: Wow, a big heart-pounding scene like this less than five minutes into the movie? This will no doubt be the most action-packed, cinematic, non-mundane, thoroughly EXCITING Harry Potter movie yet, then, right? Right?

HP FANS: ...Shut up.

MRS. FIGG, WHO SHOCKINGLY IS NOT PORTRAYED BY JUDI DENCH OR ANY ICONIC BRITISH THESPIAN: Don't put your wand away, Harry. They might come back. You're shocked, right? Because by they, I mean the dementors. Yup, I know what dementors are! And I know Dumbledore and all that!

HARRY: This is such a revelation!

NON-READERS: Who the hell is that? And we're pretty sure this isn't one of those times when we just weren't paying attention. We've honestly never seen her before.

HP FANS: Yeah, you guys should probably just stop coming.

After their much-appreciated absence in the fourth movie, THE DURSLEYS are back, and they're better than ever. AUNT PETUNIA is lolling around in a swoon wearing a cute sundress and moaning DIDDY's name like Jocasta heralding the return of Oedipus. UNCLE VERNON is sucking on an ice cream spoon. THE GUY ON THE TV is chanting enthusiastically, "It is hot, hot, hot!" which in England probably equals a pleasant spring day here in good ol' Yanksville. Unless the TV GUY is just promoting a real hip and steamy movie like Hannah Montana: Best of Both Worlds Concert.

DUDLEY: ZOMBIE EAT BRAINS.

AUNT PETUNIA: Oh, my baby, who did this to you?

DUDLEY: (realizes his new acting method is not having the desired effect of displaying his new level of depth, so he does the Uncle Sam finger at Harry; this image was used on many a recruiting poster during the publicity phase of this film) ZOMBIE WANTS YOU.

UNCLE VERNON: I'm pretty pissed, boy.

HARRY: Really? Because you don't seem that pissed. In the book you were ripping me a massive new one right about now.

UNCLE VERNON: Oh, come on, boy. After a project as bad--s as Equus, don't you feel like these movies are such a waste of time? I mean, honestly. No naked people to be seen!

DUDLEY: (hugs a barf bucket with his eyes rolling around in their sockets, an image you just have to see to fully appreciate)

LETTER: Dear Mr. Potter, you're expelled. Everything you lived for, you no longer have. Everything you were, you are no longer. You are doomed to a mundane life as one of these losers, in which you will always long for what could have been had you not been so foolish as to save the lives of you and your cousin. Hoping you are well (seriously, it really says that), Mafalda Hopkirk.

HARRY: I can't believe it! I'm never going back to Hogwarts! Never!

AUDIENCE: (yawning) We give it ten minutes. Maybe less.

Funny clip of THE DURSLEYS shepherding DUDLEY with a blanket over his head into the car, bashing his head against the door. Then, in a clip taken from the third movie, HARRY storms into his room and kicks something (well, actually punches this time, but same thing), only for his eyes to fall upon that dancing picture of HIS PARENTS that simply will not die. Then we see a clip from the fourth movie, literally this time, in the form of HARRY having a wet dream about the dear departed CEDRIC.

DAVID YATES: Yeah, you know how long-running TV shows, when they don't want to think of a premise for a whole new episode, just have a clip show episode? Similar deal with this movie.

EVERYBODY: You're joking, right?

DAVID YATES: ...Sort of.

HARRY is rudely awakened by A BUNCH OF NUTS barging into his room.

BUNCH OF NUTS: It's okay, Harry, we're friends.

HARRY: And that makes it okay for you to barge into my room while I'm sleeping? I could've been nude for all you know.

TONKS's hair turns a lustful shade of auburn at this notion.

HP FANS: Yay, it's Tonks! She rocks.

TONKS: Take a good look while you can, then.

MOODY (the real one, not THE PEPSI TWIST ONE): Yo. Nymphadora.

TONKS: Don't. Call me. Nymphadora. (Her hair rattles like a snake's tail and turns fiery.)

MOODY: Think that was a bit much?

TONKS: As it's one of, like, three lines that I have in this movie, not really.

A breathtaking broom flight over London takes us to Number 12, Grimmauld Place (when the buildings around it fold over to reveal it, HARRY gapes in awe even though he's been seeing this sort of thing every few seconds for four years now). HARRY and THE RESCUE PARTY squeeze through the hall to the kitchen. TONKS looks back at HARRY with a seductive wink that confuses SEVERAL NON-READERS I KNOW into thinking she's in the realm of romantic possibility for HARRY. In the kitchen we catch a glimpse of SIRIUS; he and HARRY go breathless as they look into each other's eyes and share an unspoken tender moment.

NON-READERS: What was that? Isn't that just the dude that Harry didn't even meet till the end of, like, the third movie or whatever it was and then had one brief, completely unmoving scene with in the fourth one? And actually that wasn't even with him, it was with a lump of coal. Do they, like, care about each other now or something?

HP FANS: Yeah, they're actually pretty close. Just accept that without question so you can cry with us at the end.

Before HARRY and SIRIUS can fall weeping with joy into each other's arms, MRS. WEASLEY sends HARRY upstairs. He passes KREACHER, who is muttering creepily and oozing lack of importance, and enters a dingy bedroom where he is tackled by HERMIONE ON WHEELS.

HERMIONE: Can you all see me? Can you all hear me? Excellent! Harry talk talk talk. Hearing talk talk talk. Look at me talk talk talk. Talk talk eyebrows talk talk talk eyebrow eyebrow talk.

RON comes over from the other side of the curiously rumpled bed that he and HERMIONE were almost certainly just rolling around on making out (oh, like you have a better reason for them being shut up together in a dim bedroom with no PlayStation, board games, or TV in sight?).

A LOT OF PEOPLE (mostly ME): Yay, Ron! The movie can begin! Shut up, Hermione, he might want to talk.

RON: Sorry, not gonna be doing a lot of that in this movie.

HP FANS: Oh, great, this is where Harry flies into a towering rage. Here comes Capslock!Harry in all his bellowing glory. Brace yourselves, it's gonna be bad.

HARRY: Y-y-you guys are mean! Y-y-you haven't written to me! And D-d-d-d-dumbledore's mean too! I-I-I'm the one who's been through so much! (lip trembles) W-w-w-w-w-wwwww—

CANON HARRY: Oh, come on! Where's the rage, the hate, the testosterone? Rip them new ones, damn it!

FRED and GEORGE: (appearing out of thin air at his shoulder) We heard you shouting, mate.

CANON HARRY: He wasn't shouting, that's the problem!

THE TWINS and THE TRIO eavesdrop on the meeting using an ear yo-yo. They are randomly joined by GINNY.

HARRY: Hey, Ginny.

GINNY: Hey. Just so you know, you need to start paying a bit more attention to me in this one. As I'm, you know. Your freaking future wife that you've ignored for the past two freaking movies. Might wanna work on that.

HARRY: Oh...yeah, I'll get right on it.

MICHAEL GOLDENBERG: No time, Ginny, no time!

CROOKSHANKS makes a quick cameo, even though he was nowhere to be seen in the last movie and will not be seen for the rest of this one. We can only assume HERMIONE had him put to sleep after the third one and he's been resurrected for two seconds to fill the important task of eating the ear. The secret meeting ends and SIRIUS and HARRY embrace like schoolgirls.

LUPIN: (leaning expectantly against the door frame) Where's mine, Howwwey?

HARRY: Dude, I hardly know you.

LUPIN: Wha—you've had way more bonding time with me than you've had with him!

SIRIUS: Ah, excuse me—are you dying in this movie?

LUPIN: No, I don't think so.

DAVID YATES: No last-minute relationship development for you, then. Move along.

SIRIUS, LUPIN, TONKS, MOODY, THE WEASLEY PARENTS, ETC.: Yeah, so, we're the good guy superteam known as the Order of the Phoenix.

HARRY: Hey, that's the title of the movie, right? So you guys will probably be really involved with everything in this one, helping me every step of the way, right?

OotP: ...Sure, we'll, uh, be in your heart.

HARRY: So what's going on with Voldemort and the wider Wizarding world and all that? Something riveting, no doubt.

LUPIN: Oh, for sure. Look at the news.

A most boring conversation ensues about how FUDGE isn't accepting the truth of VOLDEMORT's return and how the Daily Prophet is talking daily dirt about HARRY and DUMBLEDORE (for the Wizarding world's serious newspaper, it most resembles a petty supermarket tabloid).

NON-READERS: Okay, okay, get to the plot.

HP FANS: This is the plot.

NON-READERS: Sorry, what?

HP FANS: All this about the Ministry not believing Harry and all that, that's kind of the main plot. If this is anything like the book, this is pretty much all we're going to be hearing about for the next two hours.

NON-READERS: Oh dear Lord. Okay, don't panic. We can get through this. It can't be any more mind-numbingly dull than Transformers next door.

MR. WEASLEY escorts HARRY to his hearing that will determine whether or not he gets to go back to Hogwarts. EVERYBODY really wishes the movie wouldn't waste so much precious time on this, as even THE DROOLINGEST IDIOT knows that HARRY is going back to Hogwarts.

FUDGE: Mr. Potter, did you or did you not produce a Patronus in front of a Muggle?

HARRY: I did, but—

FUDGE: You heard it here first, folks. GUILTY!

HARRY: I was saving my freaking life, and my cousin's!

FUDGE: And a Patronus would save your life how?

HARRY: Oh, I don't know. Offhand, I'd say from dementors. Isn't that the only thing Patronuses even do?

FUDGE: Speaking in contempt of court! GUILTYYYY!

DUMBLEDORE: Have no fear, your lawyer is here! Don't look at me, though, kid, I'm ignoring you.

EVERYBODY: A LAWYER'S COMING, GET THE HOLY WATER!

DUMBLEDORE: I'm his lawyer.

FUDGE: Geez, what didn't you do in college?

DUMBLEDORE: Girls.

EVERYBODY: What?

DUMBLEDORE: Look, a witness!

MRS. FIGG: Well, of course there were dementors. Don't you think if the Potter kid was just looking to impress his cousin, he might've shown a spell a tad less gay?

UMBRIDGE: Hem hem. Hello, boys and girls. Today I'll be playing the same character I played in Freedom Writers.

HP FANS: That's Umbridge? That sweet little grandma lady? Where's the hideous toad face? Where's the instant realization that we hate her?

UMBRIDGE: Not one of J.K. Rowling's more subtle characterizations, was it? Trust me, this cute little grandma thing I've got going on will be much more effective.

HARRY: (ends up getting off Scot-free)

NON-READERS: So what was the point of that whole thing?

HP FANS: You're going to spend the rest of the movie asking that.

NON-READERS: What?

HP FANS: Nothing.

OUR HEROES are at the train station to go back to Hogwarts. A big black panting dog that just makes you smile trots alongside them, then ducks into a waiting room where he turns into SIRIUS.

SIRIUS: Psst! Harry, in here. We need to squeeze in another bonding moment. Here's a picture of the Order of the Phoenix before half of us died or went insane. We've got a great track record when you think about it.

NEVILLE'S DAD: (is Don Knotts, I'm serious)

HARRY: Do you think there's going to be a war, Sirius?

SIRIUS: Yeah, but don't worry. You'll spend several books waiting for it and only a few chapters at the end of the last book actually having it.

VOLDEMORT: (is standing by the train in a trench coat to see Harry off)

HP FANS: What the hell?

NON-READERS: Isn't that usually supposed to be our line?

THE TRIO has reached Hogwarts.

MALFOY: Potter is a nut. He has a rubber butt. And every time he turns around it goes putt putt.

CREDIT: (goes to The Simpsons...I think. Maybe that song existed already)

RON: (holds Harry back in a defensive hug that is sweet but terribly gay)

Suddenly CHO rattles by in a carriage. We expect HARRY to gaze after her in a longing stupor, but why RON and HERMIONE do as well is anyone's guess. (Seriously, they do, watch that scene again.)

THESTRAL: (wet snort)

HP FANS: That's not a thestral! They're supposed to be black scaly horses, not the horrifying love child of a dinosaur and Nicole Richie.

RON and HERMIONE (and apparently NEVILLE, which is weird): We don't see anything. You're losing it, Harry.

HARRY: Oh yeah, because after four movies of enchanted castles, magic mirrors, disembodied voices, invisibility cloaks, and all kinds of crazy shiz, it's absurdly far-fetched for me to see something that for any number of reasons you guys don't. Get with the freaking picture, dummies.

LUNA, THE CLOSEST THE HP WORLD WILL EVER GET TO A UNIVERSALLY ADORED CHARACTER: You're not going mad. I can see them too.

HP FANS: IT'S LUNAAA! She's the greatest. Hey, Luna, say it. Say it, Luna! Listen, everybody...

LUNA: You're just as sane as I am.

HP FANS: OHHHHHH!

NON-READERS: Dear Lord, it's happened. They've flipped their nut.

At the welcoming feast...

UMBRIDGE: (shoves Dumbledore out of the way) Like my fluffy pink ensemble? On sale at Dillard's. You'll love their handbags as well. Now, blah blah blah blah bleblah.

HERMIONE'S EYEBROWS: The Ministry's interfering at Hogwarts.

HP FANS: Good gosh, Hermione. After all the backlash you got online for the fourth movie, we thought you'd have the decency to shave those coons off.

HERMIONE: I don't go online.

RON: I've recently picked it up. Notice I won't be making any stupid faces in this movie.

HARRY goes up to the Gryffindor common room, where EVERYONE is giving him the stink eye.

SEAMUS: You're a bonny loyer, blarney. Hoy hoy hoy or whatever Irish people say.

My beloved RON is now given a rare chance to shine as he tells SEAMUS where to stick it (though as the movie hasn't mentioned he's a prefect, this loses a lot of its pwnage). HARRY then sits his can firmly on my dirt list by yelling at RON, who just stuck up for him. Then HARRY has a dream that we will see about 803.64 times in this movie (or we did in the book, at least—I wouldn't remember about the movie because whenever HARRY has any sort of recurring dream I zone out on principle) and wakes up to find RON at his bedside watching him, disturbingly enough. NOBODY really gets this, but the SLASH FANS take a guess.

ALL FIFTH YEARS: Look at the paper airplane! Look at it! It's so cool! It flies!

ALL THE MAGICAL MIND-BLOWINGLY AWESOME CREATURES AND OBJECTS THAT HAVE APPEARED OVER THE COURSE OF THESE MOVIES: You freaking idiots. That's what you were saving all your childlike awe for?

UMBRIDGE zaps their toy dead, and begins to teach in such a merry little voice you honestly expect her to break into song.

UMBRIDGE: Only I'm not going to teach. In my class, you'll just be doing book work. So basically, what you'd be doing all the time if you were attending normal high school like everyone else your age has to. Tee hee!

HARRY: Voldemort!

UMBRIDGE: Detention! Tee hee, round one goes to me!

Fast-forward to UMBRIDGE's office, where she is waiting for HARRY and piling enough pink sugar into her tea to give the entire student body both cancer and diabetes before they turn 20. When HARRY arrives she gives him a quill and tells him to write "I must not tell lies" repeatedly. This lady is actually pretty good. Her expression of gleefully suppressed excitement as the words are scratched out in blood on the back of HARRY's hand is so truly sick that you really want to tell HARRY to shut it when he grunts and gasps loudly and repeatedly in pain. And when she says breathlessly with wide innocent eyes, "Yes?" I dare you not to want to punch her.

FRED and GEORGE: Even though we've been a bit neglected in most of the movies, is it too late to convince the non-readers that we are right amusing chaps?

RON: Hermione, you're the most wonderful person I've ever known.

EVERYBODY ELSE: So...we're guessing that Simon Cowell would be the most polite person you've ever known, then? ZING!

RON: I'm freaking in love with you.

HERMIONE: Me too! Only, you know. With you. (makes out with him)

THIS: (didn't actually happen, but you have to admit the movie would be about 812 times better if it had)

RON and HERMIONE: Harry, you think you should tell someone about this whole corporal punishment thing?

HARRY: OMG YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! LEAVE ME ALONE! Gah, I'm going to find someone to talk to who's not a freak.

LUNA: (wiggling her bare feet and apparently watching Harry out of the back of her head) Hellooo, Harry Potter.

HARRY: Why, Lord, why?

HARRY and LUNA have a little heart-to-heart that is of course enjoyed and appreciated, as we all love LUNA like nobody's business, but still, WE (right? Not just ME) can't help but wonder if he shouldn't be getting this kind of development time with GINNY, who is not only HIS FREAKING FUTURE WIFE but was not just introduced a few minutes ago.

The film wisely sums up a huge percentage of the book through perky little montage, which shows UMBRIDGE pestering teachers with interrogations as she did in the book and taking further steps to Stepfordize Hogwarts that we did not see in the book, i.e. tearing apart KISSING COUPLES and giving guys wedgies, as well as making some interesting decrees that she did not make in the book, like "No music is to be played," "Boys and girls are not to be within eight inches of each other," and "The next person who says 'Hannah Montana' will be tarred and feathered." She considers carefully which member of the school's UTTER FREAK SHOW OF A STAFF to fire. McGONAGALL, who does not take kindly to being usurped as QUEEN BEE and will almost certainly kill her in her sleep very soon? FLITWICK, whose short stature and disconcerting little mustache make him a prime candidate for the next initiator of mass genocide? SNAPE, who is about twenty mysterious fang-marked blood-drained deaths waiting to happen? All of these teaching travesties pale in comparison to the ultimate force of evil who must undoubtedly be the first to go, for all our sakes—THE ONE WITH BAD HAIR.

TRELAWNEY: (does some sort of impression of a heartbroken rodent) Sixteen years I've been at Hogwarts!

HP FANS: Remember that, it's important.

DAVID YATES: Actually, no, in this movie it's not.

HP FANS: What the hell? Why even include Trelawney, then?

DAVID YATES: So we can see Umbridge and McGonagall have this rocking catfight. Horny young men these days find catfights pretty hot, right?

HORNY YOUNG MEN: Hot? Between two little old granny ladies?! (pause) Yes, we do.

DUMBLEDORE: It's okay, Sibyll. You can still live in the castle. As, you know. An unemployed useless parasite on the school's resources.

UMBRIDGE: For now.

DUMBLEDORE: CURSES! She's always one step ahead! DON'T YOU ALL HAVE STUDYING TO DO?!

HP FANS: Okay, seriously, who is that guy? He's starting to get on our nerves.

HARRY: (runs after Dumbledore, pitifully calling out to him)

DUMBLEDORE: Heh heh—no, I shouldn't. Oh, I can't help it, it's so darn funny. I'm right here, Harry! Come get me! Ooh, too slow. Hey, Harry, come get me! Almost there! Ooh, so close that time—pity I'm not speaking to you. Ahhh, good stuff.

FIREPLACE: Psst! Guys!

HARRY: Sirius! You've fixed your fire technique! This confirms the popular theory that they changed it for last movie just so you could phone in your entire performance.

SIRIUS: The reason Fudge doesn't want you learning real magic is he doesn't want you to form your own little underground army. Do with that info what you will. The important thing is everything sucks.

HARRY: What are we supposed to do about it?

SIRIUS. No idea. Looks like you're on your own, suckers.

HARRY: I must remember that having your head in the fire does not bring out the best in you, Sirius.

HERMIONE: (dramatically approaches the window, her eyebrows at the ready, and opens her mouth)

AUDIENCE: (groans and fingers the emergency suicide pills in their pockets)

HERMIONE: He's really out there, isn't he?

HARRY: Why, no, Hermione. All this has been an elaborate April Fool's Day joke that I've happily let ruin my life.

HERMIONE: We've got to be able to defend ourselves. And if Umbridge refuses to teach us how we need someone who will. (turns dramatically to Harry)

AUDIENCE: The only thing that could make this cheesier is a crash of lightning.

DAVID YATES: Great idea!

Lightning crashes, and the movie's IQ drops several hundred points.

THE TRIO recruits ALL THE COOL PEOPLE IN THE SCHOOL (Dumbledore's Army is an equal opportunity employer. No Slytherins allowed) to meet them in the Hog's Head, where ABERFORTH is none too pleased to have been disturbed in the middle of foreplay with A SEXY GOAT. The meeting is full to the brim with HERMIONE'S EYEBROWS and HARRY's oh-so-adorable modesty, and EVERYONE getting to add something to the discussion except GINNY (ironically one of the few, if not the only member of the assembled rabble of recruits who actually ends up being a substantial part of HARRY's life, but when you gotta make cuts, you gotta make cuts, right?).

HERMIONE: It's sort of exciting, isn't it?! Breaking the rules?

RON: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?

HARRY: Dude, she's been a compulsive rulebreaker with us for freaking years now.

HERMIONE: Cho couldn't take her eyes off you, Harry.

H/G SHIPPERS: Ohhhh!

EVERYBODY ELSE: What?

H/G SHIPPERS: Did you see that? Did you see Ginny's face?

NON-READERS: Sorry...who's Ginny again?

UMBRIDGE: (watching from the window—Willy Widdershins who? She needs no spies, she just needs to look out the window!) This means war.

NEVILLE: I now have officially replaced Dobby in these movies. Everything Dobby did in the books, I'll do in these movies. Who knows, maybe I'll even take a knife for Harry in the seventh (or eighth, most likely) movie. For now, I'll just discover the Room of Requirement.

DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY decides to practice their spellwork in this room.

HP FANS: Why are they keeping the name Dumbledore's Army? Dumbledore isn't even in the movies.

EVERYBODY ELSE: For the last time, he technically is. He's just a jerk, that's all.

HP FANS: We said...Dumbledore. Isn't. In. The movies.

CANON RON AND HERMIONE: It's okay, big guy. Neither are we.

NIGEL casts a successful Expelliarmus at HARRY.

HP FANS: Whoa, no. Nuh-no. No more Nigel, remember? We all know he just got a walk-on role in the fourth movie 'cause he's Mike Newell's neighbor boy who comes over for tea.

MICHAEL GOLDENBERG: I like Nigel.

HP FANS: If you really loved him, you'd write him a hero's death. To occur within the next five minutes.

RON and HERMIONE also have a little duel, which MY FELLOW R/Hr SHIPPERS find adorable for some unfathomable reason (it actually could not be farther from a sweet R/Hr moment; it is clearly just another scene of shameless HERMIONE propaganda at RON's expense—plus, it gets completely wrong the use of the "Stupefy" incantation). We also see HARRY and CHO get some eye action. Various other spells (the incantation to one of them sounds very much like "Innuendo!") are learned, all to the sound of HARRY throwing out such original, earth-shattering words of wisdom as "You must always believe in yourself" (I'm serious, he really says that). Meanwhile, UMBRIDGE, FILCH, and THE INQUISITORIAL SQUAD are totally on to them already, constantly trying to invade the Room of Requirement, only for the door to shrink or for it to turn into a broom closet.

HP FANS: Wait, wait. The Room of Requirement doesn't work like that. It doesn't play favorites, it gives the entrant what it needs. Always. It doesn't know if you're a Slytherin.

DAVID YATES: But it's funny!

HP FANS: Okay, newbie, lesson one: When it comes to direct contradictions of the book, we have NO sense of humor. Where do you think Steve Kloves went, on vacation?

NEVILLE makes some progress and gets a hug from EVERYONE. GINNY perfects her Reductor Curse (her film version of the Bat-Bogey Hex), which is evidently supposed to wow us and make us forget that the movies have completely ignored her till now and that they plan to ignore her for longer still. And why is she wearing a boy uniform when most of the other girls are wearing skirts and tights with their uniform? Anyway, this jumbled montage ends with everyone departing for the Christmas holidays. HARRY hangs back with CHO, who is looking longingly at the picture of CEDRIC that watches jovially over their meetings as a shining beacon of inspiration.

H/G SHIPPERS: Did you see that?!

EVERYBODY ELSE: No, what?

H/G SHIPPERS: Ginny looked jealously back at them!

EVERYBODY ELSE: When?

H/G SHIPPERS: Just now, for like half a second! We don't know whether to be happy, or pissed because this was actually supposed to be the movie in which Ginny moves on from Harry, not the one where her unrequited longing kicks in. Curse you, Yates. And thank you as well.

CHO: (sniff) I just miss Cedric so much. He was the bestest boyfriend in the world.

NON-READERS: He was her boyfriend? Since when?

HP FANS: Dudes, don't you remember? It showed her standing next to him at the Yule Ball for half a second. And it showed her crying when he died.

NON-READERS: Oh. Our mistake.

CHO: I wonder if he'd have lived if he'd known all this.

HARRY: He did know it. He was really good. It's just, you know. Voldemort was better.

CHO: Well. Those have got to be the worst words of comfort I've ever heard. But—but you'vealways had a crush on me, right? Can I, like, go on the rebound with you? I'll be thinking of Cedric the whole time, just so you know.

HARRY: That's okay, apparently I'll be thinking of Luna the whole time, as I can't shut up about nargles.

The Room of Requirement provides mistletoe. Were they a hotter couple, it no doubt would've provided a bed and champagne, but what happens next is the suckingest kiss—and I don't mean sucking in a good way, like "Whoa, check out their suckage power!" but sucks as in their hands stay rigidly at their sides and they stand about a foot apart—ever to receive eighty megatons of media hype.

RON: Well? How was it?

HARRY: Wet. (pause) She was crying.

CREDIT: (goes to the actual script. In fact, the whole following conversation is funny enough not to need me)

HARRY has another dream about the freaking door, but this one ends with MR. WEASLEY getting mauled by an invisible snake. Though NON-READERS have no idea it's supposed to be a snake, and come to think of it, MR. WEASLEY may not register with them either. McGONAGALL takes HARRY and THE WEASLEY KIDS to DUMBLEDORE's office.

HARRY: Hi, sir!

DUMBLEDORE: Hello, Minerva. Ronald. Ginevra. Fred. George. George's shoe. How may I be of service?

HARRY: Well, I had this dream, but it wasn't a dream, it was real, I just know it, and—

DUMBLEDORE: Anyone? Speak, somebody.

HARRY: OMG YOU FREAKING BEEPHEAD PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, Severus? Might I enlist the aid of your baby-sitting services? I've got a little pest problem.

SNAPE: (Michael Jackson voice) Hello, little boy. Come with me to my magic boudoir, where I will attempt to penetrate you. (pause) Too much?

HARRY: I'm actually kind of digging it, sir.

A FRIGHTENINGLY LARGE PERCENTAGE OF HP FANS: Oddly enough, so are we.

SNAPE: This will not really be important in this movie—I mean, you learn nothing from me whatsoever, and blink and you'll miss my big 'worst memory' scene—but let's face it, more people come to these movies and read these books for me than they do for you, so let's relish the opportunity for Snape time. RAHHH!

SNAPE penetrates HARRY...through his mind. We are bombarded with clips, with disturbing emphasis on that one hug he got from HERMIONE, much to my irritation (I mean, dudes. Would everybody just let that sucktastic pairing die already?). HARRY grunts and writhes, looking for all the world like SNAPE is indeed………stepping on his toe.

The whole visit to St. Mungo's and any suspense as to MR. WEASLEY's condition has been cut. MR. WEASLEY has suffered no damage other than a black eye and being forced to wear a Festival of Fools crown. THE WEASLEYS and HERMIONE are celebrating Christmas at Number 12, Grimmauld Place, and a very crappy Christmas it is. Apparently, THE WEASLEY KIDS are still being attacked by windup Santas and being given coats made of Monster Book of Monsters fur, while being informed that it's "just what you wanted, actually!" HARRY and SIRIUS arrive and take another bonding moment in the family tree room.

KREACHER: Harharhargack!

HP FANS: In case, you're wondering, yes, there is a point to him being in this movie.

DAVID YATES: Not in this one, no.

HARRY: Sirius, I'm scared. Strange things are happening to me.

SIRIUS: Oh. Right. I, uh, I guess your aunt and uncle didn't really, uh, tell you much about...puberty, and the birds and the bees, and all that? Okay, I'll start from the top, but let's try to talk like big boys here and not get all giggly, capiche?

HARRY: Dude, I'm fifteen. I've pretty much worked it out. No, see...for a second I wanted to kill Dumbledore.

SIRIUS: That's normal.

HARRY: Sirius, am I bad?

SIRIUS or perhaps OPRAH: You are not a bad person. You're a very good person that bad things happen to.

HERMIONE: (decides the only thing that could make this scene more moving is her presence) Time to go, Harry!

HARRY: I don't want to leave you. (buries his face in Sirius's trench coat)

SIRIUS: You'll see, Harry. When all this is over, we'll be a proper family.

SOME H/Hr SHIPPERS I KNOW: Oh, precious! He says that when both Harry and Hermione are there! That makes it sound like the three of them are a family!

EVERYBODY ELSE: Which would mean that either Harry and Hermione are siblings, or they're the parents and Sirius is their heck of an ugly baby. Give up, guys, this is just getting sad.

HERMIONE: Hagrid's back!

HARRY: Oh, yay, finally!

NON-READERS: What? We didn't even realize he was gone.

HP FANS: Are you saying you don't care about Hagrid?

NON-READERS: No, we're saying there's so many freaking characters that any one of them could disappear without explanation and we wouldn't notice. Especially that boring whiny kid who wears glasses and has the thing on his forehead.

HAGRID: I went as an ambassador to the giants.

HP FANS: That's...actually, that's not really super important later.

DAVID YATES: Yes, it is!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER makes out with her own arm and busts outta prison in her jailbird jammies. It rocks.

NEVILLE: That lady tortured my parents.

THE FEW NON-READERS WHO HAVE ACTUALLY MANAGED TO KEEP UP WITH THESE MOVIES AND HAVE PRETTY GOOD MEMORIES: No, the Pepsi Twist dude did that.

NEVILLE: This lady did too, now shut it. I'm trying to have my moment. I'm not going to clarify what happened to my parents; you can assume they're dead for all I care.

HARRY teaches THE D.A. to conjure their own little animal friends. Then the room lets in UMBRIDGE and THE INQUISITORIAL SQUAD at last.

HARRY: You stupid cracker box! How come you didn't turn into a broom closet or have your door shrink?!

ROOM OF REQUIREMENT: Something about...Cho, I think?

HP FANS: No, it wasn't Cho! It was Marietta! Oh well...they have to break up somehow.

HARRY and CHO get dragged to DUMBLEDORE's office.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, shoot. Guess I have to take the fall for you screw-ups. (muttering) Can't even handle an illegal rebel army without my help. It's okay, though, I'll just disappear in a flaming blaze.

KINGSLEY: Man, he got style!

DUMBLEDORE; Like, OMG—you know it, darlin'! (hand flop)

UMBRIDGE replaces DUMBLEDORE as HEAD HONCHO and puts THE WHOLE D.A. in detention. The sight of her sitting orgasmic in her throne is not to be missed. Afterwards, GINNY rams CHO with her shoulder and HARRY turns up his nose at her. Even the people who didn't really give a flying fudgeduck about CHO before (aka THE VAST MAJORITY OF EVERYBODY) feel a bit sorry for her.

HAGRID: Hey, you three. Come look at this!

GRAWP: (sends the franchise's CGI prowess about 20 years back)

HAGRID: This is my little brother. That's why he's chained up, see; I'm living out every older brother's dream.

GRAWP, in the most retarded King Kong reference since that musical cartoon that was made starring Jodi Benson, picks HERMIONE up.

MUFFINPUPPET: If this takes any longer than three seconds—

DAVID YATES: Will this make it better? (throws in a semi-cute R/Hr moment in which my dearest does his usual jealous/awkwardly protective thing)

MUFFINPUPPET: I guess I forgive you.

GRAWP: (gives Hermione trike handlebars for the next 3.2 hours)

MUFFINPUPPET: Never mind.

NON-READERS: This better be really important to the plot.

HP FANS: (sigh)

HARRY: That's private!

SNAPE: Not to me.

Once again, some great lines ruined by their thoroughly unsuggestive actual context. Another clip show follows.

SNAPE: Your father was a jerk.

HARRY: Was not! (looks into Snape's memory to see a two-second clip that shows Snape was a quiet little loner in school, who doesn't know anyone named Lily, and Sirius and James were bullies who gave him wedgies and said "Ha ha!" in Nelson Muntz voices) Oh. He was. You know, when you think about it, this really adds fuel to my internal conflict of whether or not I may be innately prone to letting my dark side in, as well as my gradual loss of all the childlike ideas I had faith in. Let's explore this, shall we?

MICHAEL GOLDENBERG: No time, Harry, no time!

HARRY: Dude, I honestly don't know what your big hurry is. We all know there's no real plot in this one to get through.

FRED and GEORGE: Yeeeeeee-haaaaa!

HP FANS: Yay! The Weasley twins are finally getting the attention they deserve!

HARRY: Wha—nobody's paying attention to me! This'll do it. (faints dramatically)

He has a vision of VOLDEMORT and SIRIUS in that same place he keeps dreaming about.

VOLDEMORT: Moses, I will not let your people go.

(What, that's a stupid cross-reference? Nobody else associates Ralph Fiennes with the voice of Rameses in a Biblical animated feature? Me neither. That was a typo.)

HARRY: Voldemort's gonna kill Sirius! Let's ditch school and travel hundreds of miles somehow to save him somehow.

HERMIONE: Harry, I don't wanna say 'gullible,' but—

HARRY: Don't question me, woman. (drags Ron and Hermione to Umbridge's office to use the fire) Though actually, I don't really trust either of you with anything important. I'm really the only one who's up to anything really dangerous and cool like this, so...this is buh-bye.

RON and HERMIONE: But—but you just got pissed at us because it looked like we might not come with you!

UMBRIDGE: Oh, wait, don't do that. There's no time for the whole Kreacher thing, I'll just pwn you now.

In what has got to be the biggest middle finger yet to the NON-READERS in the audience, the INQUISITORIAL SQUAD suddenly turns up with GINNY, NEVILLE, and LUNA in tow with no explanation other than "Caught this one trying to help the Weasley girl," which if anything only makes this make even less sense. UMBRIDGE asks SNAPE for some Veritaserum, which means Truth Potion (see? I'm nice to NON-READERS), but SNAPE reveals that she used it all up on CHO.

HP FANS: So first you make a change for the worse so they can break up, then you make another change so Harry should take her back? What do you want?

HARRY: Don't worry, this changes nothing. She is so last year.

CHO: (now gives Ron and even Ginny a run for their money for the title of Character Who Has Been the Most Unabashedly Screwed Over By These Movies)

HARRY: He's got Padfoot!

SNAPE: I have no idea what that means.

NON-READERS: Neither do we.

UMBRIDGE: Just gonna have to torture you, then. (takes out her collection of rap music)

HERMIONE: NOOOOOO! Harry, talk! No, wait, we'll show you something cool! Let us go and allow us to lure you into some dark corner of the forest where no one will hear you scream.

UMBRIDGE: Hmmm...okay, I can't find a problem with it.

The CENTAURS are willing to take down UMBRIDGE, so GRAWP is, once again, thoroughly unnecessary. And once again, he does his King Kong thing, but with UMBRIDGE this time, who gets a considerably less amorous reception than HERMIONE did. He feeds her to the CENTAURS, 'cause she uuug-leh (though I actually think she's cute, you know, in an evil granny kind of way).

UMBRIDGE: Harry, tell them I mean no harm!

HARRY: I'm sorry, Professor. I must not tell lies.

AUDIENCE: Oooooooh, oh no he dit-ent!

HERMIONE thanks GRAWP and gives him a disturbing tender look that out-weirds even Naomi Watts making goo-goo eyes at a gorilla (even though, you know, in the book, far from being a lovable helpful doof, GRAWP was perfectly happy to crush her and HARRY and EVERYBODY). HARRY and HERMIONE dash to the bridge, where RON, GINNY, NEVILLE, and LUNA are dashing towards them at the same time.

HERMIONE: How did you get away?!

MUFFINPUPPET: Ginny did it! Finally, she gets a moment in the sun.

RON: Nope! It was my brilliance!

MUFFINPUPPET: Any other time, Ron—any other time!—and I'd have been thrilled for you, but I have to say your timing sucks.

HARRY: Now you all get lost. I'm not about to share the climax with you.

RON: Harry, nobody wants to watch just you for twenty or so minutes. Without colorful supporting characters like us, nobody would even like your stories.

So HARRY condescends to let his friends come with him to the Ministry. We can only guess how he planned to rescue SIRIUS from VOLDEMORT without the help of a supercool support team—do a striptease for him, evidently. As LUNA suggests, they fly to London on thestrals.

HARRY: It's okay, Sirius, I'm here! And...you're not. Oh, geez. This is awkward. Uh...hey, look, everybody! A thing!

TRELAWNEY: Can you tell it's me in here?

HP FANS: Sort of. By your voice, kinda.

NON-READERS: Yeah, us too, we can totally tell it's Kathleen Turner. Whoa, look at that mysterious masked figure that looks like something from The Mummy. Is it something scary?

LUCIUS: (removes the mask and tosses his fairy princess hair) Give me the crystal ball and nobody gets hurt.

NON-READERS: Damn it. Is this movie ever going to get good?

BELLATRIX: HAHAHAAA! Me so crazeh! Teh heh.

HP FANS: Oh, come on, scare us, homegirl!

LUCIUS: Don't you want to know the secret of your scar? Don't you want to know everything? That prophecy will tell you everything.

NON-READERS: Well, that's sort of cool, we guess. So that crystal ball thing contains some huge cool secrets that'll blow our minds and make this whole movie worth it. Right?

HP FANS: Well.

LUCIUS: Yeah, so, uh, kid, if you could just give it to me, that'd be great.

HARRY, naturally, says, "NEVAAA!" though this is really just for the heck of it, because as we know there really isn't any point in holding on to this thing because it'd be about as much help to either him or VOLDEMORT as a newspaper ad from the fifties announcing the invention of the VCR. We get to sit through a few minutes of THE KIDS running around firing off spells, perhaps intended to make the AUDIENCE think that all the D.A. meetings they had to sit through actually had a point. GINNY dramatically shows off her new kickbutt spell, but far from this being her long-awaited moment to shine, she ends up kind of exploding the whole place and forcing them all to run for their lives. This brings them to the Veil Room, which is the only other room we get to see. No Brain Room, Time Room, or Space Room for YOU.

THE DEATH EATERS: (fly around in the form of black smoke)

HP FANS: They do not.

DAVID YATES: Would you kindly let this one go? I need to show the audience that, contrary to the impression they've given thus far, Death Eaters are not easier to beat than Wile E. Coyote.

When the smoke clears, the DEATH EATERS have each of HARRY'S FRIENDS by the throat. There is a good reason why they chose to wrestle five people into this position rather than just swipe the ball from HARRY while they were at it. A reason clearly too complex for we mere mortals to grasp.

LUCIUS: Okay, kid, here's the deal—you surrender this thing that actually turns out to be of no use whatsoever to anyone, or we kill all your friends.

HARRY: Hmmmmmmm...sorry, I'm no good at hard decisions. Ummmmmmmm...

HIS FRIENDS: YOU SUCK!

SIRIUS: Hey. Lucy. Get away from my godson. (decks him to complete the endearing cliché)

A LOT OF DORKS IN THE AUDIENCE (possibly including ME): (actually clap and go "Yayyyy!" and receive a lot of sympathetic looks)

THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: (fly around in the form of white smoke, because good people naturally exude white smoke and bad people black)

HARRY: Hey, it's those guys the movie's named after who HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN IN THE MOVIE. You better kick some serious butt now to make up for that one.

SIRIUS: Please, junior, please get lost. You never help matters.

HARRY: No, I'm staying with you!

HP FANS: Oh my gosh. This is too sad. We change our minds, we don't want to see this part. We can't watch.

NON-READERS: What?

HP FANS: You'll see in a second.

BELLATRIX: (AKs Sirius, who for some reason that I guess has something to do with the veil lives for another few seconds afterwards, then floats through the archway)

HP FANS: Told you it was heartbreaking.

NON-READERS: Seriously, what? Oh, you mean that guy who just died? Yeah, we guess he was...sort of tight. We guess.

THE WHOLE TWO PEOPLE WHO MIGHT READ THIS: Okay, leave this part alone.

MUFFINPUPPET: But—but the silent scream!

THE TWO PEOPLE: Leave. It. Alone.

In a fit of grief HARRY runs after BELLATRIX, who is cackling and gloating sickeningly. He actually manages to pin her down, but finds he doesn't have the heart to hurt even her.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Go on, Harry. Do stuff to her. Slap her. Bat her around like you're the cat and she the mouse. Dress her in degrading outfits and violate her. Do it, no one's watching. No one's, you know. Videotaping this for the next Death Eater party or anything.

HARRY: Who is this? (pause) Are you my conscience?

VOLDEMORT comes yawning into view, and BELLATRIX gets a bit giggly. And he is one gorgeous hunk of man, for sure. I always did think hair, pigment, and noses were overrated.

VOLDEMORT: Harry Potter, I am finally gonna kill your butt dead. Just a second, though—does anyone wanna save him?

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, what the hey. I'm not busy.

VOLDEMORT: I had to ask. Why do I always have to ask?

DUMBLEMORT and VOLDEDORE—I mean...oh, what the heck, I'll keep it—engage in a pretty sweet duel that literally brings the mighty building crashing to its knees. However, you do have to wonder if either wizard is actually trying to achieve anything—seeing as they get burned, drowned, and eaten countless times with no effect whatsoever—or if this is just an excuse to show off their cool CGI powers. VOLDEMORT eventually gets bored and, after several movies of being a gentlemanly wuss who always gives HARRY the chance to a more than fair fight, finally decides to fight dirty.

DUMBLEDORE: Merlin! No disappearing!

VOLDEMORT: Madam, I am not disappeared. I am very tiny. I am a germ. A rare disease called malignalitaloptereosis—AND YOU CAUGHT ME, POTTER!

CREDIT: (goes to one of the awesomest movies about a wizard and his boy protégé ever. Harry and Dumbledore could learn a lot from them)

HARRY appears to be going into labor, but seriously, he's just being possessed.We are treated to another clip show, the longest yet, intended to convince HARRY that he is weak, though they pretty much just look like random clips to me.

RON, HERMIONE, NEVILLE, LUNA, and GINNY: Hey, guys. What'd we miss?

HARRY gazes breathlessly at RON and HERMIONE (mostly HERMIONE, it seems like, though ANY IDIOT can tell you it would've been the other way around in the books), then gives us yet another clip show of schmaltzy friendship moments.

HARRY: You're the weak one. And you'll never know love...or friendship! And I feel sorry for you!

VOLDEMORT: (bursts out laughing) Oh...oh gosh...oh, oh, thanks, man. That was...that was so great, I'm gonna leave you alone all next movie, just for that. That...that was comic genius, man.

He leaves, but not before FUDGE and A BUNCH OF MINISTRY GUYS see him. FUDGE gasps, "He's back!" which is met with a thundering "duh" from the AUDIENCE (true story—in your theater too, right?).

HARRY is sitting in DUMBLEDORE's office.

DUMBLEDORE: I know how you feel, Harry.

CANON HARRY: OMG BREAK HIS STUFF! GO CAPSLOCK ON HIS CRUSTY A--!

HARRY: Go away. Anyway, sir, the prophecy said I'm either going to kill Voldemort or he's going to kill me, but that's all I heard. What else does it say?

DUMBLEDORE: Nothing, really. Except for some details about Neville that apparently don't matter and some crap about you having all this love in your heart, that's pretty much it.

HARRY: That's—that's it?

DUMBLEDORE: That's it.

NON-READERS: You are freaking shizzing us! We've all known that forever!

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, but you're actually wrong. Neither one technically kills the other in the end.

NON-READERS: So that whole prophecy plotline truly was pointless in every sense of the word.

DUMBLEDORE: Not at all. There's this whole thing about Snape and Lily that sort of goes with it, but you apparently don't need to know about that.

HARRY: Why have you been a bigger jerk to me than usual this year? Well, not quite a bigger jerk than you were last movie, that's a tough act to top, but still...?

DUMBLEDORE: I...I...Do I have to say this?

DAVID YATES: Yes, damn it!

DUMBLEDORE: Okay, okay. CoughIcaredaboutyoutoomuchcough.

HARRY: What?

DUMBLEDORE: I said Icrdboutytmch.

HARRY: I'm sorry, I really can't understand—

DUMBLEDORE: I CARED ABOUT YOU TOO MUCH, YOU LITTLE MAGGOT! NOW GET OUTTA MY OFFICE!

HARRY gets another bonding moment with LUNA. She even holds his freaking hand for a second. While this is actually really sweet, we can't help but wonder why they kept his big bonding moment with LUNA—plus made up a new one—and cut all his bonding moments with his future wife.

DAVID YATES/MICHAEL GOLDENBERG: You're imagining things! (drawing pictures of Ginny lying in a pool of her own blood while a nargle eats her nose)

Fast-forward to HARRY AND CO. on their way to catch the train home.

NON-READERS: Okay, don't worry. There's still time for something—anything!—of value to happen! I mean, if that's the whole thing, we're pretty much just back to where we were at the end of last one and we might as well have just skipped this installment altogether—but there's some final revelation or surprise that will actually matter in the long run, right? Right?

HARRY: You know, Ron, Hermione, everybody—there is something mind-blowingly important to the overall plot that I've forgotten to mention till now.

NON-READERS: Okay...?

HARRY: (beams at his friends) How much all you guys mean to me! I've got something worth fighting for, because I have you!

NON-READERS: (deep, calming breaths through the nose) Okay, but the next one will be super thoroughly mind-blowingly exciting and eventful all the way through, right?

HP FANS:...Shut up.

Author's Note: Okay, this is actually my favorite Harry Potter movie, so you know the drill—all in fun, don't get mad. If you got this far, please leave a comment and I'll love you for it. I noticed several people favorited my Goblet of Fire parody but only a few people reviewed it. Speaking of which, if for some reason you enjoyed this at all (hey, it could happen), read my GoF one (and leave a review, please!).