"Nnnnh! Ah.. hhh..."

I couldn't help myself. My need had become a burden, weighing down upon me more and more as time went by, to the point where I became angry. I had avoided this for as long as possible...

"Hh..hah...!"

Unlike any other need I'd felt before. Even unlike the need for chocolate. Like my body was asking for it, like when you're too thirsty. I had deprived my body. At least, thinking this made me feel more comfortable with what I was doing.

"Nnnh... haaah!"

No, no matter how much I tried to avoid the truth, this was wrong. So so wrong. Considering... considering what prompted me to do this in the first place. I still didn't understand that part.

"Aaah!" I bit my lip to stop the groaning from getting louder. I definitely didn't want to be heard doing this. I felt myself come close to a finish... this ordeal would finally be over. Hopefully I wouldn't have to lower myself to this for a long time to come. Maybe by then, it'll be about something that doesn't embarrass me...

"Aa-aaahh!!" I bucked my hips as finally, I was finished. I slumped back on my bed and thought over what I had just done. The sin I'd just committed. It felt so wrong.

And yet, as much as I denied it, my body ached for my brain to realise that what I'd done was so right.

XxxxxX

When I opened my eyes, I could barely tell where I was. Of course, I was still in my room, but why did it look so... different? What was different about my room today?

I realise now that the feeling of change was caused by the strange experience I'd been through the night before. When the pressure had become too much to deal with, and I could not escape what I had to do. But the world I was seeing was through different eyes now, like it was... somehow calmer.

My room was still a rubbish tip, with books strewn all over the floor, stacked up in high piles. My desk was completely covered in paper and all sorts, you could barely see the light brown wood of the table top. One could barely stand up in the room without having to kick something out of the way first to put your foot down on the carpet. Of course there wasn't much room to walk anyway, my bedroom was very small.

I never complained though. No point. Every bedroom in the orphanage was the same, some were only slightly larger because there were multiple people sharing it. However, nobody shared my room. Nobody dared even approach it. And I can't blame them. Not even the cleaners came near it. I liked it that way, though, it ensured maximum privacy.

When I dragged myself out of bed today, I seemed more... energetic than usual. Normally, I would act like a zombie for about an hour before properly waking up, seeing as I was not a morning person. But this morning I seemed... ah, what's the word... giddy? Yes, like I had more power. I practically leaped out of my room after I'd gotten dressed.

Saturday. Saturday morning. Matt came up to me earlier, asking if he wanted to play, or something, I wasn't really listening. I declined. Why? Because I wanted to see the cause of my giddiness. The single person who had turned my life upside-down in one night, made me see the world in a completely different way, the one person who had made me commit that sin of the previous night. That selfish act of pure lust which I could no longer contain, despite how strong I thought I could be. Sure, it's a normal thing for a boy to masturbate, but I thought I could be stronger, better than normal. But it's not that which angers me the most.

Oh no, it just had to be that person. I would have at least though it would be some girl in a magazine, or something like that. Something... something to make it seem not so evil. But to think this way of someone you actually know is completely different. It feels deeper, like... I can't describe it. Why me??

So there I stood, in the doorway. Watching. I held my chocolate bar loosely in my right hand, ignoring it's presence entirely for the time being. I was ignoring every other presence at the moment.

And so it happened that the person who was the culprit for all this, the one person who had made me feel such strong emotion that it kept me from resisting temptation, this person turned around from their position on the floor and looked at me with the same blank emotionless expression that I'd seen every day.

"Mello." He said, addressing me directly. I knew he was asking me what I was doing there, although he wouldn't say it in those words. He just looked at me, a piece of a puzzle still in his hand, paused in its journey to take its place in the almost-full puzzle.

So fittingly, I addressed the centre of my troubles in the same manner. "Near." I could have thrown up at the sound of that name escaping my lips. To think, this was the name I'd had to keep myself from screaming out the night before. I honestly at that point could not decide whether to smirk or grimace. Unfortunately I couldn't do both, so I kept my face emotionless. Which was easier, considering it was very hard to pick a single one out of the cocktail of emotions bubbling inside me right now.

Then, I was overcome by anger. This boy made me lose control of myself, yet again. How?

Yay! A MelloxNear. Yes, I know my writing style has changed yet again. But stfu. XD 'tis better now. At least, I think so. No idea when this will be updated, hopefully soon. Please review! You guys out there who read my stuff are awesome.