Firefly Reality Checklist

Re-posted with the corrections suggested by Serenity Hope. Thanks for the help! And I bow to the wisdom of a greater fan - its good to know I'm not the scariest one out there ;)

xxx

As we all know, with a series as excellent as Firefly, it's often hard to know when you've spent one too many hours watching the episodes. However, thanks to the good people at Blue-Sun Corporation, that is no longer a problem. Since Blue-Sun has no wish to lose the entire fan-base to mental institutions (although they do realize that most are already a lost cause), they have compiled this simple reality checklist to help you know when to walk away from the TV and re-enter society for a little while – that or just avoid human contact so others don't notice the various 'quirks' you have developed.

You May Have Watched One Too Many Firefly Episodes...

1. If you have the overwhelming urge to refer to things as 'shiny'… despite the fact they really don't look all that reflective, metallic or otherwise eye-catching

2. If you find yourself glaring at law enforcement officers and referring to them as 'purple bellies'

3. If you find yourself speaking with a southern drawl after having one too many drinks… instead of just slurring your words like everyone else

4. If you're only willing to purchase Blue-Sun products over all other name brands… despite the fact you're not exactly sure what it is they produce

5. If you refer to the vast, frozen, vacuum of outer space as simply 'the black'

6. If you find yourself cursing in Mandarin despite not speaking a word of it (except for the more colourful ones of course)

7. If you accept the incomprehensible (yet sometimes prophetic) ramblings of a nearby crazy person as 'normal'

8. If you find yourself making witty remarks during inappropriate and dangerous situations

9. If words like 'rutting' and 'gorram it' become commonplace in your vocabulary

10. If you routinely forget that being a 'companion' is not a legal and more respectable occupation then smuggling and petty larceny

11. If you find yourself turning nouns into verbs (ie. truth-some) and using other imaginative grammar that would give your English teacher an aneurysm if s/he heard you

12. If you're convinced that somewhere out there, there's a slave colony where you are a folk hero (complete with your own song and statue)

13. If you name your weapons and treat them better than most women you encounter

14. If you find yourself getting into bar fights over the 'brownish-like' colour of your coat on a yearly basis

15. If you still consider it a 'good day' despite the fact you were lied to, cheated, threatened and shot

16. If one of your favourite pastimes is enacting elaborate prehistoric battle scenes with toy dinosaurs (complete with different voices) – despite the fact that you are a 'mature' adult

17. If you are convinced that vibrant Hawaiian shirts are a good fashion statement rather than just obnoxious

18. If you find yourself betting the mild-mannered priest beside you could take out the 3 body-builders coming his way without breaking a sweat or messing his ponytail

And for those truly obsessive individuals that are way past the point of 'dedicated fan'... We have the Extended Reality Checklist - You May Have Lost Touch with Your Reality and Entered the World of Joss Wheden's Firefly…

19. If most business dealings end in an exchange of bullets

20. If the only currency worth earning is platinum rather than cash

21. If you continually find that the most disreputable looking thugs in every bar you enter are the men you're there to do business with

22. If you continually find yourself being shot, tortured or having to flee for your life, just for doing the right thing

23. If you find yourself repeatedly doing business with a short, bowler-hatted, English thug with delusions of grandeur

24. If you find yourself having an unusual (and maybe unhealthy) attachment to your spaceship

25. If there is an insane Russian crime lord bent on inflicting a world of hurt on you

26. If you trust your pilot to perform near-impossible manoeuvres and navigate narrow canyons without so much as scratching the hull, yet can't help but wonder how he manages to dress himself in the morning

27. If you continually insult the woman you love and her chosen profession rather than just telling how you really feel

28. If one of your greatest fears is crossing paths with a group of savages who would rape you to death, eat your flesh and sew your skin into their clothes (and only in that order if you are "very, very lucky")

29. If you are an Amazon warrior that could kick Xena's ass, yet can't help but find yourself attracted to one of the most defenceless and childish men to ever cross your path

30. If you can't help but call your most trusted comrade and friend 'Sir'

31. If you're able to rewire an engine with nothing more then 10 minutes and some duct tape or reassemble grav-plating with your eyes closed – just 'cuz'

32. If you find yourself on a ship full of criminals and mercenaries leading dangerous and unpredictable lives – yet realize it is the best place in the universe for you to be

33. If you find yourself continually cursing the Fox executives for their short-sighted idiocy and are convinced they have the collective intelligence of a soggy walnut

34. If you were interested, and hopefully entertained, enough to read all the way to the end of this list