Damn Regret
A/N: Aaah, finally! I managed to get another chapter up and going! This is getting exhausting, it feels like I've ran ten miles now! Okay, maybe not that exhausted, but it's tireing indeed! Now, read and be happy! Or sad… I'm not sure if this is a happy story Oo
"Good morning, love!" Maggie said, and opened the curtains. Draco groaned, and pulled the covers over his head. The light was too bright this early in the morning, especially when it got reflected by the snow.
"Good morning, Maggie," he grumbled from under the covers. He couldn't remember what he had dreamt, but it was a good dream. Harry was in it. His stomach clenched, and he suddenly felt sick. Harry… the night Harry had found him, he was sure he'd fail. He had been pacing whole fucking England for months without any luck in finding Harry, and in the end ended up in the Muggle street. He was terrified The Dark Lord would come after him and kill him, or send someone else. He was useless if he couldn't kill Harry Potter. And then he saw him. It was as if it was destined. But Harry hadn't attacked Draco, or shipped him away to Azkaban. He took him in, and helped him. He let him have a shower, food, and clean clothes. He even cut his hair for him, helping his self-confidence a little. Then they had sex. And Harry had been so helpless… Draco curled into a little ball under his nice, warm covers. He had raised the wand, he was prepared to rip away that beautiful creature… then Harry had mumbled his name in his sleep, a smile on his lips. That's when Draco knew he couldn't do it. He could never have done it.
"Are you asleep?" Maggie asked, stopping by his bed. Draco pulled away the covers, and sat up.
"No, I was just thinking." He put his feet down on the floor, and rubbed his forehead. Why was he who he was? Why couldn't he just be a normal boy, someone who could live with Harry without feeling guilt of fear? Why did he have to hide? Why did he have to go against that one person that made his heart feel too big for his chest, that made him want more, more, more? Why? Why couldn't he just disappear, so that The Dark Lord couldn't find him, and Harry couldn't find him, and the Department couldn't find him? He had fought too much and too hard to just die, but he could hide. He could run away… no. Someone would find him, and the punishment would be more cruel than he could even think about. He sighed, and got to his feet. Maggie was following him with her eyes, looking for something that would give away what he was thinkning. But Draco never gave away what he was thinking: he simply had too much on his mind.
"Are you all right, dear?" Maggie asked, her voice concerned. Draco shot her a quick glance, and smiled.
"Yes, I'm no worse than I've been. I think I'll go take a bath before breakfast. Is that okay?" Maggie hushed him off to the bathroom, smiling.
"Go clean yourself up, kid."
--
He sat down in front of the toilet, feeling sick. His stomach clenched, and he doubled over, vomiting into the toilet. The taste made him feel even more sick, and he vomited over and over again, until he had emptied everything that had been in his stomach, even the stomach acid. His stomach kept clenching, making him double over again and again, making absurde noises as his body tried getting rid of whatever made him sick. But it couldn't, because it wasn't compact – it was mental.
When he finally stoppet dry-vomiting, he got to his shaking feet, flushing away the disgusting substance in the toilet. He walked over to the sink, staring at his gray face. He looked horrible, but the only difference from before, was that he was paler. He had looked like this for years now, and he even looked a little better now than he had done before Harry found him. He cleaned his mouth, avoiding the mirror. He didn't need to look into it to know how he looked.
He turned on the water, sitting down in the empty bathtub. He shuddered, since it was pretty cold on his skinny body. He drew his knees up to his chest, and wrapped his arms around his knees, burying his face in his arms. He closed his eyes, holding his breath for some seconds. As the water slowly filled the tub, giving his body even more goosebumps, he started daydreaming. The picture in his head was so clear, he could almost feel Harry's fingers on his shoulders, caressing the slightly chilly skin. He pictured how his fingers would run through his hair, and over his face, lovingly, as if Draco was something that was easily broken, like glass.
"Harry, please help me," Draco whispered. He knew no one could hear him, and he forced himself to be happy about that. Harry would be in great danger if he were to rescue Draco from The Dark Lord, so it was for the better if he stayed where he was, and forgot all about Draco. But just as he thought that, a wave of fear washed through him. Harry couldn't forget about him. He just couldn't! Draco forced himself to relax, and empty his mind. Now was not the time to be thinking about that. Harry was where he should be, and Draco was where he had chosen to be.
--
"You said you had done the job." Draco had never been so afraid in all his life. He was sitting on his knees in front of The Dark Lord, shaking violently. He had his eyes glued to the floor, scared of what he'd see if he looked up. He swallowed, and nodded once. The crucio hit him like an arrow, the pain starting from one point, and spreading all over his body. He rolled over to his back, and screamed. Suddenly, the pain was gone, just as sudden as it had started.
"You lied to me. And on top of that, Harry Potter is still alive. All because of you." The pain started again, and Draco screamed louder, so loud the windows shook. The Dark Lord dispelled the curse, and walked closer to Draco. He sat down on his knees in front of him, and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at him.
"You couldn't do it. You couldn't even lift that wand and kill him, you worthless piece of shit. Was it because he fucked you? Did it feel so good, you couldn't kill him?" Draco squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to hear this. He didn't want The Dark Lord to know things like that. But of course he knew. The Dark Lord knew everything. Draco was just beyond surprised he hadn't found out about his lie earlier. A strong hand wrapped around his neck, and lifted him up.
"You're a disgrace. I should just kill you right now. What use are you for me now?" he sneered, and Draco tried to swallow. But his adam apple wouldn't go past The Dark Lord's hand, and he was suffocating slowly. He was standing on his toes, though he barely touched the ground. He felt the blood pump violently in his head, and black and white sparks appeared before his eyes. He grabbed the hand that was holding his neck desperately, trying to get it away. But The Dark Lord just tightened his grip, hissing at him.
"John! Drop him at once!" someone shouted, just as the world became black in front of his eyes. He was dropped down on the floor, and the world returned, piece by piece. It was like a jigsaw puzzle, piece by piece. The person who had told The Dark Lord to drop him, sat down next to Draco and pulled him up sitting.
"Are you all right, love? Can you hear me?" Maggie's gentle voice said, stroking away his hair. The Dark Lord was still towering over them, like a building.
"Get him out of here. I don't want to see him before my eyes ever again." Maggie huffed loudly, but pulled Draco up standing. He was a little shaky, so Maggie had to hold his arm tightly, so that he wouldn't fall down. She guided him slowly towards the door, speaking comforting and couraging words in his ear as he walked. Just before they walked out the door, Maggie stopped and turned around.
"John, if I see you harming this boy ever again, I will personally deal with you. Is that clear?" No reply. "Is that clear, I said?" Maggie sounded nothing like the loving, caring woman Draco knew. She sounded like a real Dark Witch, her voice like a breath of wind from the North Pole and filled with warnings.
"Yes, ma'am." Draco almost fell down when he heard these words. The Dark Lord, calling someone 'ma'am'? And allowing himself to be bossed around? He didn't have time for anymore thinking, because Maggie guided him out in the hallway.
"Come now, love. We'll get you right back to bed, and you're going to stay there until I say it's dinner." Draco looked at her, and nodded. He just felt exhausted and beaten, he didn't want to do anything anymore. If he was allowed to, he would go to bed and stay there for the rest of his life. He'd just be happy if nobody would feed him, then he might die. He wouldn't mind dying now, though he wouldn't kill himself. That was too cowardly.
They arrived outside his door, and Maggie opened it. She pushed Draco inside and towards the bed, before she gave him a stern look.
"Go to bed, now. I'll wake you up later. And don't think too much about what he said to you. Just sleep." Draco nodded, though he didn't look at her. He just walked over to his bed, and started undressing. He could hear Maggie sigh, before the door was closed. He stared at the floor, his shirt in his hand. Crying. Why couldn't people do something else when they were upset? Why crying, showing a sign of weakness? Couldn't they turn into a monster and start ripping people apart when they were sad? But no, humans had to cry. Draco felt his knees shake, so he let himself fall down. He was now on his hands and knees, struggling to keep his tears back. But for no use
"Bloody crying," he whispered, tears running down his face, mixing with snot. He kept his sobbing silent, so that no one would notice. He pressed his forehead against the floor, and tried to calm his breath. But it just got worse, his whole body was now shaking from the sobbing. He rolled over to his side, and curled up into a little ball. He wrapped his arms around his knees, and buried his head into his knees. He was so messed up.
--
"Are you sure you are able to do so?" The man nodded quickly. You didn't oppose The Dark Lord. A sigh was heard, and the man in the chair got to his feet. He walked over to the kneeling man on the floor, and grabbed his chin.
"You have to be absolutely sure. Because if you fail, I will kill you. It won't be quick, and it won't be nice. Remember that. It will be slow, and it will be painful. I am not a nice man. But I need you to do this. It's of great importance that this job is done, and that it is done quickly. Nice and clean. Get it?" The man tried to nod, but The Dark Lord held his chin tightly.
"Y-yes, Lord. I understand." The Dark Lord studied him a little more, before he let go. He walked over to his throne, and sat down. He tapped his fingers lightly on the table next to the throne, his nails making a ticking sound. The rings on his fingers made metallic sounds as they clicked together, echoing through the dark room. His face was hidden by the shadows, but the man on the floor didn't dare look up. He worked for the last Dark Lord, but he didn't know how this Dark Lord worked. He didn't know how his mind worked, or what he was planning. It made him nervous.
"Are you afraid of me? Don't lie, I can see it in your face. You're thinking about all the horrible things I can do to you. Or who knows if I actually do things like that? Maybe I just bark, and don't bite. Do you think so? Do you think I'm harmless?" The man on the floor shook. That was the last thing he would think of The Dark Lord. He could imagine what he was capable to, he had heard his speeches, heard him talk about Voldemort's many flaws. It was things no one had noticed before, but when The Dark Lord pointed them out, it was as if lightbulbs were lit over the Death Eaters heads.
"I will accomplish the mission, Lord," the man on the floor said silently, keeping his head down. All he wanted, was to get out of the dark room, and start his mission. The Dark Lord laughed. It was a cold laugh, like a breath of icy wind.
"Go. Sneak away, like the coward you are. Find the boy, and bring him to me. And do it quick, and do not fail. You don't want to disappoint me." The man on the floor nodded quickly, and hurried to his feet. He bowed to The Dark Lord, before he turned around and almost ran out the door. The glossy light outside hit him in the face, and he sighed relieved. Even if he was a sneaky person, he prefered the light. In the dark, he couldn't see his enemies. And seeing his enemies, targeting them, was his speciality. Without the light, he'd perish.
--
"Time for dinner, darling," Maggie said, shaking Draco's shoulder lightly. Draco groaned silently, and sat up. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and blinked at Maggie. She had his dinner on a bedtray, one of those you put over your lap while you're in bed. He gave her a grateful glance, as she put the pillows up against the headboard, so that Draco could lean against it comfortably. Then she put the tray over his lap, and sat down in the chair next to his bed.
"Thank you, Maggie," Draco said, grateful. Maggie just smiled, and squeezed his arm.
"It's okay, darling. Just eat now, you really need it. You're still too thin," she said, her eyes wandering critically over his skinny body. Draco looked at the food, and swallowed. He wasn't really that hungry, but he knew Maggie would force him to eat it no matter what. So he grabbed his spoon, and dipped it down in the soup, stirring it around a few times. Then he raised it to his mouth, and took a sip. It was warm, but not too warm, and it slipped easily down is throat. As usual, Maggie's food tasted wonderful, but as usual, Draco wasn't hungry. But he forced it down, bit by bit. When he was done, he sighed, and leaned back on the pillows. Maggie took the tray away, and put it on a table in a corner. Then she walked over to the windows, and opened the curtains. Cool light flooded into the room, bathing the pale figure in the bed with light.
"Hey, Maggie?" Draco asked silently. Maggie kept fuzzing around with the curtains and such.
"Yes, darling?" Draco looked up at her, feeling awfully lonely.
"Why are you so nice to me? I'm just trash. There's no one who would mind if I disappeared. So why do you care about me?" Maggie stopped her fuzzing, and looked at him. She was smiling, and her eyes were shining lightly with tears.
"Love, it's impossible for me not to care about you. You're lost, and you need love. Besides, you're a very nice young man. I'll be surprised if nobody misses you. What about the young man John talked about?" Draco blinked, and tried to remember who John was. In a flash he remembered that John was the name Maggie had called The Dark Lord by. He blushed, and swallowed, looking down at his hands.
"I… he… we hated each other at school. I don't think one night would've changed that. And you heard what The Dark Lord said, I was supposed to kill him. But I couldn't. I just left. He have to hate me." Maggie sat down on the bed, and took one of Draco's hands in hers. She squeezed it lightly, and smiled at him. She still had some tears in her eyes, but she looked more determined now.
"You don't know that. You don't even know if he really hated you before. Maybe it was something else?" Draco shook his head. It had definetly been hate.
"It was hate. I'm sure of it. At least I hated him. I hated him for being so bloody perfect, for being so famous. Everyone knew who he was, and he always got away with everything. Well, maybe it wasn't hate. Maybe it was envy." Maggie squeezed his hand.
"Maybe it was envy on his side too, darling." He stared at her. Why should Harry envy him? There wasn't anything special about him… then he stopped himself. To Harry, there was something special about Draco. He had a family. He had a family, a home, a house. To Harry, Draco had everything. He hadn't thought of it that way before. His head was hurting, and all he wanted to do, was to sleep and sleep, until there was no memories left. Until he forgot everything.
A/N: Okay, so I planned on making this chapter longer, but I'm drained for ideas! Seriously, I'm just completely drained. As always, ideas are welcome! Now, I'm going to England in twelve days guess who's looking forward to leaving Norway?, and I won't have that much time to write then. I will write this year, it's not as if I'm going to just abandon you all! You're all so amazing!