A/N: Okay, so I realize this isn't an update to "Christmas With Derek", but I'm having MAJOR writer's block for that story. Then suddenly this puppy came to mind, and I couldn't resist. I swear cheese and crackers I'll update the other story soon.

In the meantime, give this two-shot a chance. :)

"So…tell me about Casey."

Derek snapped out of his daze in math class and eyed the guy next to him. He immediately recognized him as John Malsh, who had just transferred to their high school last week. What could he possibly want with Casey? "Why…?"

John shrugged. "I was thinking about asking her out. You're her brother, right?"

"Step-brother," Derek replied, grimacing.

John rolled his eyes. "Whatever. So, what can you tell me about her? Besides the fact that she's cute, of course," he added, smirking.

"Cute?" Derek scoffed. "No. The only reason she looks even remotely decent is the make-up."

"Really? It doesn't look like she wears that much…"

Derek laughed incredulously. "Yeah, well, you haven't seen her "Before" pictures. I have. And trust me—they're not "cute". 'Specially with that mountain range of zits on her forehead…"

"What?"

"Yep. You'd never guess her forehead's Greaseland, if you know what I mean."

John narrowed his eyes at Derek in disbelief. "You're kidding, aren't you."

"I wish," Derek replied. "And that's not even the worst part. Living with her is like living with a whiny two-year-old. 'Derek, I hate you! You're ruining my life!' Blah, blah, blah," he mocked. "The woman complains about everything. Just ask Sam."

"Casey went out with Sam?" John asked, interested.

"Oh, yeah. For about forty times. The poor sucker was trapped. 'Sammy-poo, why don't you love me? Were you just looking at her? Oh my gosh! You're cheating on me!'" he finished in a shrill voice. "By the time she was through with him, he had Suicide Hotline on speed dial."

John's eyes grew as huge as saucers. "No way."

"Yeah…but don't tell him you know. He doesn't like talking about it," Derek added nervously.

"Oh, definitely," John promised with a solemn face. He leaned back in his chair. "Anything else I should know?"

Derek almost considered stopping there—almost. The sheer hilarity of this situation was too alluring, however. He sighed. "She was obsessed with me when our parents first got married…"

Now John's mouth became saucer-sized. "You're kidding!"

"Once again, I wish. She was really creepy—following me into my room, "accidentally" walking in on me in the shower…" He shuddered. "She even locked me in a bathroom with her once."

"Oh, God. How'd you escape?"

"Sprayed shampoo in her eyes. Worked like a charm."

John smiled in appreciation. "Nice!"

"But then I realized she removed the freaking door knob! So I called the cops," he replied, shaking his head.

"Shit," John sighed, astounded. "She's sounds like a whack-job…"

"Pretty much. But, hey, if you want to ask her out go right ahead. You could probably take her," Derek told him. "Just don't compliment her or anything; she always takes them the wrong way. And trust me, you do not want to get on her bad side. You'll have to get that story from Mike Adams—he should be back from Memorial Hospital next week."

"Are you kidding me? Like I'm going to ask out a psycho." He put a hand on Derek's shoulder. "I'll pray for you, man. I don't know how you do it..."

Derek put a hand over his heart. "I'm the only one who can handle her; I can't just abandon her like that. It wouldn't be fair."

John just nodded somberly.

The 9th period bell rang and John left. Derek let out the laughter he'd been holding in and grabbed his books, satisfied with a job well done.