A/N: Read this, please!
Okay, this is a crack-filled, shounen-ai, OOC AU (have I scared you off yet?) where Light has succeeded in becoming Kira. L has been convinced that Light has the right idea and they are living together. This is totally separate from my other fics.
Please keep in mind that this is OOC on purpose, for the sake of comedy, and do not review ranting about how "L doesn't act like that!11" This is crack and will remain as such.
Thank you!
DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN
"Light-kun."
"Mrrgh."
"Light-kun has criminals to eliminate."
"I am aware."
"So you should do it."
"I knooow, don't hassle me!"
"But when I do not hassle Light-kun, he gets behind and becomes cross with everyone."
Light huffed and opened his eyes to glare up at the man crouching next to him in bed. The past few years had been highly enjoyable, with him reigning as Kira and L…being with him, but sometimes…
Sometimes L, however cooperative and pro-Kira, was so…L-like.
Light clamped his eyes shut more tightly. "I should eliminate your skinny ass," he responded.
L just blinked down at him. "Skinny? I am not skinny. You would notice that I actually have a healthy amount of muscle, if you paid attention to matters other than your hair," the black-haired man commented, reaching down to ruffle the murderer's silky locks. "Which you keep in rather good condition, by the way."
"Whatever." Light batted L's hand away, and sat up with a groan and a stiff back. "Ooh, I'm going to need a massage later on, L…"
"From who?" L questioned.
"From you!"
"No, I do not think so. Just because Light-kun is getting old does not mean he can snap his fingers and get a massage whenever he fancies." L stretched his legs down onto the ground and cracked his toes. "Ouch."
"Eew, L, please don't crack your toes. I hate it when you do that," Light whined. "It makes me gag."
L ignored his lover and stood up, reaching toward the ceiling to crack his back and shoulders as well.
"That's disgusting!" Light sent a pillow flying at L, but it was caught and thrown back at him within seconds. "Oof!"
"Kira-kun thinks he is in control of the entire world-"
"That's because I am!"
"-but in reality I have dominance over him." That established, L shuffled over to their walk-in closet to pick out his jeans and white shirt for the day.
"Open the curtains! It's gloomy in here!" Light demanded.
"No. Call in the help."
"But," Light prodded at the white remote on his nightstand, "my buzzer is broken. I think that one maid disconnected it."
"Which one?" L asked, emerging from the closet in his usual garb.
"That one with the weird spoon-like face." Light gave up on his buzzer and hauled himself out of bed to open the curtains himself. "You know who I mean?"
"No."
"Oh." Light jerked the drapes open to get his view of the city. "Ooh, looks like a nice day!"
"Yippee."
The man known as Kira turned around and made his way over to L. "You could have some enthusiasm," he drawled. "You have no personality." He grabbed L's hand and yanked him into their bathroom. "Come on, we have to get ready for that meeting with the UN leaders."
"I hope Light-kun does not expect me to shower."
Light, wrinkling his nose, raided their cabinet and pulled out some styling gel. "Here. Hold still so I can fix your puff," he ordered, squirting a liberal amount of the purple goop into his hand.
"My hair is not a puff." L jerked away and stepped out of the bathroom. "And you can put that poison in your own hair. I do not wish to go bald prematurely."
"You're only thirty!" Light called after the other man, and got a blank stare in reply.
"I am, and will forever remain twenty-nine, Light-kun. Remember that."
"Denial!"
L scowled and shuffled over to turn on their flat-screen television, grimacing when he saw that Light had been watching the cartoon channel again.
"Happy, happy, happy Mickey Mouse Time!" the characters sang, and the man just stared and wondered what possessed people to make such inane shows.
"Ooh, is that the Mouse House?!" Light called from the bathroom.
"No, Light-kun!" L changed the channel to the news:
"…that Kira will be holding a conference with the leaders of the UN today…"
"Light-kun!"
"Yes?"
"The media caught on overnight!"
"Dammit!"
L held back a smirk when he heard a crash in the other room. Light was so clumsy before meetings.
"Hey, L? Can you call that maid in? I kind of…broke a few things…"
"The maid with the spoon-like face?" L clarified, perching himself on the bed.
"Yes!"
"I already told you that I do not know which one that is," L yelled back.
"A lot of help you are!" More crashes echoed throughout their chambers, and L blasted the volume on the TV to drown out Light's trademark cussing hissy fit.
"Kira's right-hand man, known only as R, has been seen wearing famous designer Misa Amane's new line of clothing…"
L huffed and looked in the closet at the hideous shirt that Misa had made "special for him!" a few weeks back. Light, being the control-freak ass that he was, had forced him to wear it in public and make a fool of himself. Apparently the paparazzi had snapped a picture of him in it.
"…strange because he is usually seen in generic long-sleeve white shirts and jeans. Those jeans, in fact, have now been proven to be the same exact pair through photo and video analysis. One cannot help but wonder why someone as wealthy as R would repeatedly wear the same pair of pants for years. Our psychological expert will now explain why R is so fixated with these pants…"
"Ha!" Light entered the bedroom and watched the report on L's jeans for a few minutes. "I told you they'd catch on, L."
"Hn." L muted the TV and stood to put on some clothing for the meeting.
"Hey, should I wear pink," Light grabbed a pink shirt out of their closet and held it up, "or blue?"
"Light-kun should wear pink. It suits his personality more than blue does." L waited for the response:
"No, I think I want to wear blue."
Typical.
L picked up his jeans from the floor and slid into them, not bothering to change his boxers. Then he carefully chose one of his white shirts from the closet and pulled it on.
"You don't smell pleasant, you know," Light quipped as he rolled up his cuffs. "You could bathe from time to time. It's pretty offensive when we're in bed."
"Light-kun knows this property better then anyone. He may go to the guest wing at night if he so chooses." L stood and let Light fuss with his hair and clothes for a little while.
"Your shirt's crooked," Light snapped, "and you didn't zip your jeans up." He fixed those problems and led L out of their room.
"You," Light said to a maid in the hall, "spoon-girl. Please go clean my bathroom."
"Sir, my name is-"
"Your name is spoon-girl. Go." Light shooed her off and continued down the window-lined hall.
"You are awfully mean to the staff," L mumbled, pulling a gumdrop out of his pocket. "They're going to rebel against you."
Light ignored his lover and looked at his trusty watch. "We're late! Shit, come on L!"
"I cannot run, Light-kun!" L protested, but Light raced ahead of him and gestured for him to catch up.
"Come on!"
Stumbling a few times, L finally took off jogging, but he stooped forward too far and lost his balance, skidding on the floor.
"Move!" Light yelled, frantically turning back around and grabbing L by the back of the shirt. "Get up, you clown! Get up!"
"I am not a clown!" L stumbled to his feet and allowed Light to tug him down the rest of the halls, through the various living rooms, and out the door to their limo.
"Whew!" Light heaved for breath once he plopped down on the leather seat next to L. "Nice run, panda man. You almost ruined the whole meeting."
"Shut up, Light-kun."
"It's because of your crooked posture." Light reached behind L's back and pushed at the ever-present hunch. "You aren't streamlined enough to be able to run properly."
"Be quiet, Kira-chan!"
"Don't call me that…"
L leaned back to trap Light's prodding hand in-between his back and the limo seat.
"Ouch! Sit up, L! You're crushing my hand!"
"Light-kun must first apologize for calling me a clown."
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
L leaned forward and let Light recoil his hand back. "Do you have your speech?" he asked suddenly, eyes widening a bit.
"Dammit!"
DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN
A/N: I don't know what this is, but it's really fun to write! :-)
Umm…Minor Annoyances readers- I'll update tomorrow, kay?
Please review! Or Light will call you a spoon-face!
Up next: Meeting