Until Next Time

By: Blade-kun

Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass.

Note: This is not shounen ai, although it might seem implicated. It's totally up to how you interpret it. And yes, I have seen episode 5. I wrote this after I watched it. So I know Lelouch remembers Suzaku. Read closely, and you'll see too.

He sits by his bedside, and he thinks.

You're not sorry.

He sits by his bedside, and he hates.

You're never sorry.

He sits by his bedside, and he grieves.

But you get to forget.

He sits by his bedside, and he prays.

But I will never forget.

Before him, the one he once called his closest friend leans absently against the window next to his bed, staring blankly outside. He isn't really there. His body is, but his mind is far away, and the things around him are without notice.

Suzaku as well.

The brunette clenches his hands tightly together, because he is fighting the urge to act on his feelings. Part of him wants to lash out, beat the boy in front of him until he is broken and dead. The other part wants to grab him, touch him, to tell him everything will be all right now.

He doesn't know which one he'd act on, and doesn't trust himself, so instead he stays, quiet and conflicted, until his fingers feel like they'll crack under the strain.

Lelouch doesn't notice. He is a mere shell now. After the emperor used his geass, Lelouch had seized up, for a moment writhing and uttering strangled cries as though suffering a seizure, and then he had collapsed bonelessly to the floor, unconscious. Suzaku had gathered him up, and followed the emperor's men as the escorted him quickly and inconspicuously to a private hospital, where Lelouch was placed in a secured room, and he was told to stay with him. Suzaku had done so without question, even though he wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

When Lelouch had awoken the next day, his eyes had been void of thought or feeling. The emperor had come by briefly, taking Suzaku outside, and explained that it would take a little while for the new memories to sink in and replace the old ones. Until then, Lelouch would be unresponsive and more or less catatonic. He then ordered Suzaku to stay with him and wait, and report if Lelouch should show signs of something being wrong, aside from an occasional spasm as the memories were rewritten.

So he watched and he waited. And he couldn't stop the thoughts in his head, his murderous feelings to take his revenge for Euphie here and now, where no one could stop him. Again he held back, but it was so difficult, and he hated Lelouch, because the violet-eyed prince was completely unaware, trapped in his own mind without having to worry about anything outside him, or the consequences of his actions.

Though Lelouch, if he were conscious, would likely consider it the worst possible prison, unable to do anything, or even realize anything around him.

If he were conscious.

If we ever meet again…

Because Lelouch hates to lose, and he has lost. And not only has he lost, he has lost everything.

I wonder what you will say to me…

Not that it will matter. When this is over, he won't remember anything. Not Nunally, not himself. Nothing.

Even Suzaku has to admit it is cruel, because nothing is more precious to Lelouch than Nunally, and to forget her…Lelouch would likely rather die first.

I have no idea what I'll say to you.

A tear suddenly falls down his face, and he is confused. He's not sure what it's for, if it's for himself, or Euphie, or perhaps even for Lelouch, but even so, he understands something inside him hurts, even if he's not sure why.

So he is startled when suddenly, without warning, Lelouch's slender fingers catch it on their tip.

He stares, mesmerized, as the other withdraws his hand, and lifts his finger slightly to study the quivering drop. His face tells Suzaku he doesn't understand what it is, doesn't recognize it, and yet he examines it as if he still knows it's important somehow. Then his blank eyes slide over to stare at Suzaku, and he tilts his head slightly, hair falling into his eyes. Suzaku feels sick, but can't look away.

Don't look at me like I'm the one who's wrong.

Why do those eyes always see right through him?

Like I don't have the right to cry.

Lelouch always seems to find a way to tell him things he doesn't want to hear. Show him things he doesn't want to see.

You're not the only one who's suffering.

He's selfish that way.

You don't even remember you are.

There are times when Suzaku witnesses Lelouch's old memories trying to fight to the surface, while the new memories are still settling, spreading, taking over him. He imagines, if Lelouch were to describe it, he would say there were infecting him. And those are the times when Lelouch struggles and Lelouch thrashes and fights just to breathe, and Suzaku stays by his side in case something should happen, holds him down when he fights. And he is amazed sometimes when the prince flings his arms, because for someone who has never been strong, who has always been weak and of poor stamina, Lelouch really lays on the hurt when his flailing limbs connect on Suzaku's flesh.

Suzaku always sits through these sessions with a calm patience that he otherwise never has around Lelouch when the other is stable. It is only in his fits of violence that Suzaku's subside, and as he grips thin hands he does not have the urge to crush them in his grip like he wants to at any other time.

Suzaku hates that he is torn between his all consuming hate for Zero and his overwhelming affection for Lelouch. As the dark-haired boy rampages he wants to scream at him 'stop fighting, stop fighting, damn it! If you do, then maybe I won't have to kill you!' And sometimes he actually says it, but it's not like Lelouch can hear him.

When Lelouch is quiet and calm, he merely stares blankly out the window, without sight, without sound, without understanding. He merely sits, and if Suzaku isn't feeling particularly guilty, or angry, he'll sometimes talk to him, just about random things, like the weather, or the news, or how his days went, because Lelouch never hears him, never understands him. If he didn't know better, didn't know it's because the other's mind is still recovering from his father's geass, he would think that Lelouch was simply refusing to acknowledge his existence.

And if, during these times, the nurse comes in with food, he'll take it from her and feed Lelouch himself. He'll grip that frail chin and turn that blank face with those empty eyes toward him, and he has to be careful not to break Lelouch's jaw as he lifts the spoon, be careful not to shove the utensil down the other's throat and kill him as he feeds him, one bite at a time. Lelouch doesn't notice. He swallows obediently, out of reflex more than anything else.

For two weeks this is all Suzaku does, just sits beside him, his watch guard, his judge, his friend, his enemy.

And never does Lelouch recognize him, not once. Except one time.

It was during a particularly nasty fit, the last one Lelouch ever has, where the memories have almost completely been implanted, and the prince just has to give one last fight, struggle one last time, because he knows, in some corner of his mind, that he is drowning somehow, that a hand is steadily holding a part of him under the water until it chokes and dies.

And this fit is so bad that Suzaku has to crawl on top of him and forcefully hold him down, press all his weight down on the other to hold him still. Lelouch's eyes, for the first time, well with tears, and Suzaku is momentarily stunned, because he cannot remember the last time he saw Lelouch cry, and is willing to bet that in all the years that were apart Lelouch never shed so much as one tear.

And the black-haired boy turns his head to look at him, eyes half-clouded, half-clear, and there are so many emotions in them that Suzaku cannot even begin to tell what they are. And then his lips move, and utter the most terrifying words he has ever heard.

"I…will never…forgive you…"

Suzaku is stunned, frozen, and then Lelouch abruptly passes out, growing completely limp and still in his grasp. And Suzaku is surprised to find, in the quiet moments following, that tears are raining down his own face, and he feels sad, and angry, and mournful, and unrepentant all at the same time. He reaches out a hand and gently caresses Lelouch's face, pets his hair.

"Yes you will…" he murmurs, "Because the next time you wake up…you won't remember anything…"

I won't say I'm sorry.

This is the end of their friendship.

You wouldn't.

This is the end of their past.

You never did.

This is the end of everything between them.

And you wouldn't forgive me anyway.

And Suzaku prays beyond everything that it will stay that way.

Just like I…can never forgive you.

The next time Lelouch awakens, his eyes are much clearer, but he still looks dazed. He turns his head, and Suzaku waits, wondering if he'll explode, waiting for that face to turn angry, those eyes to harden, that mouth to twist into a scowl.

Instead, they soften, and a smile spreads lazily on his lips. A hand reaches out to touch his cheek, and for a moment all he remembers is Euphie, pale and dying, reaching out the same way. But where her hand was cold, his is warm. And Suzaku can't find the strength to brush it away.

His mouth moves, a breath exhaled, a soft sound drifting out. It takes him a moment to realize it's his name.

Then those eyes close, and Suzaku wants to cry all over again.

After that, he is taken somewhere else. Lelouch regains consciousness a short time later, and Suzaku hovers nearby as he and a younger boy are discreetly escorted to a private jet that will take them back to Japan. Suzaku almost wishes he could go with them for some reason, even though he knows he'll be going back soon for his things and for affairs involved with him. But he hates letting Lelouch out of his sight now. He feels if he does, he can't make sure the demon inside the prince stays buried.

Lelouch is going to be bait, he's been told. He'll return to a quiet life as a normal student, and behind the scenes he'll be used to lure out the one who gave him the Geass, C.C. She apparently is the green haired girl Suzaku encountered several times.

He wishes he could kill her for a moment. This whole thing is her fault.

If she hadn't been there, Lelouch wouldn't have been in Shinjuku. He wouldn't have received the geass. He wouldn't have started this whole crazy Zero thing. He would've stayed the compassionate, if bitter, childhood friend Suzaku loved.

They wouldn't have met perhaps, but then again perhaps they would've.

But it's pointless to dwell on the 'what ifs' now, isn't it? He should be happy that in a way things can start over.

Maybe it's unfair for Lelouch, but when has Lelouch ever played fair?

He watches the plane leave, taking with it the only friend he ever had. The one he hates more than anything. The one he loves just as much.

Don't remember.

He wishes Euphie were here. Now more than ever he wants her to tell him what to do now. To tell him how to move forward.

Please don't ever remember.

He even wishes he could ask Lelouch. The old Lelouch. Because Lelouch is the clever one. The one who was wise. He could tell him.

This is goodbye.

But he's left alone to find the answer by himself, in a place he doesn't know, doesn't like, and never wanted to be.

Goodbye to you.

He has a lot of things to do, a lot of things to learn. He'll have to push those things behind him for a while, because he doesn't have time to be confused.

Goodbye to the past.

It's time to fix things. To make them right. To achieve the dream he and Euphie, and once even Lelouch, longed to create.

It's time to go.

Goodbye, Lelouch.