A/N: Hey guys, I'm really very sorry for the delay. And yes, my only alibi would be "I've been busy", so shoot me. Anyway, I appreciate the reviews I've received so far. I'm sorry if I haven't replied to each one, but do know that I'm still alive, and that I just love you guys—all your encouragements mean so much to me. I hope this chapter makes up for my previous lack of updates.

A million thanks goes to my beta, Salty-Storm, for proofreading this chapter. (Somehow I have more confidence on this chapter because of you, SS-chan~! Thanks!)

PS to Druid-Chan. Konoyaro is often translated as "you bastard"/"you asshole"/anything along those lines. I noticed that Gintama characters say it often, so I used it in the previous chapter in an attempt to make this fic seem more Gintama-ish… although my attempt probably didn't work lol.

Disclaimer: Gintama and its characters © Hideaki Sorachi

Conspiracy Theory
© Doctor Meowzie

Three – Are you going to help me or not?

All his life, Sougo had never wanted to blast all of Edo into smithereens as much as he did now.

* * *

Approximately ten minutes has passed and, after practically being dragged by Kagura all the way to the destination the girl had in mind, Sougo found himself seated at a fastfood joint, blinking at the ridiculously tall pile of plates that were beginning to form a tower right in front of him. The person seated on other side of the table ate at an equally ridiculous speed, blissfully eating up every bit of food that sat on her plate(s) and almost unceasingly shoving large amounts of food to her mouth, one large helping after another.

Sougo really couldn't understand why the China girl wanted him to tag along. The only reason his common sense would find sensible would be the girl wanting to inflict pain on him, though strangely not the usual physical fight-'til-you-drop kind he'd expect from her. Now he suspects that she simply wanted him to drool at watching her eat— it's probably a new strategy she'd learned. But he wasn't even hungry at the moment, added to the fact that what she's now eating (dango, ramen, and burgers) were, to him, not quite as appealing to the stomach as the type of food he could afford (steak, pasta, and pastries) with his earnings.

Thinking this, the Shinsengumi squad captain almost snorted. The girl really doesn't pay attention to details, does she? China rarely ever hesitates and always does what she wants, as if that's how the world naturally works. This part of her strangely reminded him of the Yorozuya danna, which didn't surprise him, what with the uncanny quirks and chemistry those two idiots had in common. Besides, he got the feeling that they'd been like that in the first place—exactly why the Yorozuya would always effortlessly wreak havoc everywhere they go… and oftentimes clash with their very own Shinsengumi in the process.

Now that he thought about it, the whole unspoken rivalry thing was rather quite silly. That doesn't make the Shinsengumi any different from them, now does it?

(…speaking of danna, he realized that he hadn't seen the dead-fish-eye perm lately—Sougo briefly wondered if the Yorozuya boss died somewhere while he was busy trying to accidentally kill Hijikata-san.)

Ah, screw this.

So much for his all too nonsensical thinking, he didn't even have the time to be sitting around staring at someone eat like she'd been starved in some desert for days. He had more important things—duties—to do as a Shinsengumi captain, and, well, this somehow involved his trademark sleeping mask, if his wide yawning indicated anything at the moment…

Ah, wait, didn't he want to test the new poison he had recently imported from Europe? Surely putting it in Hijikata's next cup of sake (with mayonnaise) will accomplish his goal once and for all. And the sooner he puts his plan to action, the better.

"China," he started to talk, and he was certainly trying hard to keep a straight face while looking at Kagura shove a whole burger to her mouth. "Oi, China." He repeated, seeing as the alien seemed not to hear him and continued to eat blissfully; and just a second ago he swore that the pile of plates on her side was just about a foot shorter than it was now.

He sighed in an annoyed fashion before picking up a bowl of ramen sitting innocently on the table and throwing it at Kagura's face.

Random chattering died down a bit as almost every other person in the fastfood joint gave them weird looks.

Kagura stilled, and then glared through the strands of noodles that partly obscured her view of the sadist sitting across her. Said sadist was smirking very smugly, clearly enjoying the mess that was her face. Absolutely furious, she abruptly stood from her seat and started to yell, all the while ignoring the many whispers and odd looks that came from the onlookers at the fastfood joint. "WHY YOU—"

Just as she was about to start strangling him, Sougo stood up from his seat as well and spoke once again, this time in a somewhat dismissive tone.

"Save it, China. I'd love to play with you again, but I don't have time for this." He started to make his way to the door. "Now if you dragged me all the way here with no important reason whatsoever, then I definitely don't need to stay here any longer—"

"Huh?—Hey—W-Wait!!!"

Annoyed, he stopped and looked back over his shoulder. "What?"

"I…" Kagura started to say, and Sougo saw how irritated and hesitant she looked once again. Her face looked so sour it's as if she had a whole pack of sukonbu shoved down her throat. This must be her face when she decides to smack her pride away, and it amuses him to a certain extent.

"I-I need your help," she finished, her face contorted into an even more sour expression—now Sougo being the natural sadist he is would have given anything just to intensify the already painfully sour look on the Yato girl's pale face, had it not been for the fact that what China had said perked his interest enough for him to momentarily forget his evil mini-plot.

It took a while for it to click in his mind, though. And when it did, he blinked disbelievingly.

This sadistic monster of a woman… needed his help?

Him, of all people?

"Oi," he deadpanned to cover up his disbelief, "You didn't eat anything your doctor forbade you to eat, did you? Or was it something about the food you ate just now—?"

Kagura's sour expression instantly faded, only to be replaced by the familiar pissed-off face that Sougo had somehow, for lack of better words, missed.

"—You really want me to bash your skull, you bastard? I'm the one trying to ask for help here! Tch. Forget it." Kagura took her umbrella with her and began to leave, placing a handful of money at the counter she passed as payment for her meal (the girl behind the counter backed away at the aura Kagura was emitting and nodded nervously when the seemingly Chinese girl muttered "Keep the change").

Although he did think that his assassination attempt(s) on Hijikata was top priority as far as his desire for the position of Vice-Commander is concerned, Sougo admits that he couldn't ignore China's plea for help either. This was unexpected, but it got him interested. Besides, Kagura actually swallowing her pride for once emitted a smug, triumphant feeling within him, as if he'd just been crowned king and she was kneeling before him—the least he could do was reward her and give the aid she supposedly needed. Man, was he feeling kind today or what?

Kagura did not spare Sougo a single glance as she passed by him and kept on muttering darkly to herself. "I knew it. No good, huh? Can't say I didn't expect this though. Who could stand an asshole like him—I guess I'll have to ask somebody else then—"

"Aaa~ahhh, maybe assassinating Hijikata-san can wait after all~" Sougo's sing-song voice cut her off.

A nerve popped up on her temple, and just as she turned to look back at the sadist to start sprouting profanities unbefitting of a girl, an arm forcefully hooked itself right under her chin and proceeded to drag her outside the building by the neck.

"OI—WHAT THE HECK—LET GO OF ME BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD—OWWW! SAVE ME SADAHARUUUUUUUU!!!"

Kagura had dragged Sougo all the way to some fastfood joint several minutes prior to now, so Sougo felt strictly obliged to return the favor—this time by dragging the China girl all the way from that commoner fastfood joint to some family park. This was considerably better; the mood back in the fastfood joint put him in unease, especially since the place was cramped and crowded.

They sat a meter apart at a park bench. Sougo blinked blankly at the glare that Kagura has been shooting him sideways from when she had grudgingly sat there to this very second. It slightly surprised him though—since when had she resorted to glaring when dealing with him? Was she holding back? If it had been four years ago they'd have already reduced the area around them to dust in no time.

(Maybe she took a course on Basic Human Ethics? Ah, what the heck—no matter how he puts it, the mere idea is laughable.)

For the meantime he settled on the notion that China was behaving carefully so she won't get on his bad side. After all, she did ask for his help, and he never said that he disagreed, did he?

"China, China, don't you think it's about time you spoke up?" he asked to break the silence.

"Huh?" Kagura blinked, "Oh, right." And then her expression darkened. "Tch. You still piss me off."

Sadaharu, who had been sitting on the pavement beside her, barked at him as if saying, 'Yeah, you piss me off too.'

"I'm surprised though," Sougo casually admitted, "I didn't think I'd be the person you'd run to when you needed something. Don't you have danna or megane for that? Or did you guys get into a big fight before you left the planet?"

"Shut up," she huffed defensively, "I didn't even remember you existed, not until I saw you blow a whole place up with your crazy bazooka. And you got the last one totally wrong. Anyway…" She suddenly frowned and creased her eyebrows as she continued, "I've looked everywhere but I can't find Gin-chan and Shinpachi. Even ane-go, that old hag, Catherine and Tama… I can't find them anywhere!"

She was raising her arms—her frustration was getting evident, like she was the losing party at a game of hide-and-seek.

"Do you have any idea where Gin-chan is?" she asked him, pouting.

Sougo wordlessly blinked at this.

"Ah, no, I don't," he stated flatly.

Veins popped as her iron hand instantly shot forth and grabbed the front of his coat.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?! YOUR BLUNTNESS IS AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS, YOU BASTARD! YOU LEFT HIM TO DIE ALONE WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING DIDN'T YOU?!" She shook him forcefully. Ah, China. She never changes, especially when it came to danna.

Sougo didn't change too—in fact, it still pissed him off whenever China goes and gets all 'Gin-chan' this and 'Gin-chan' that, as if Gin-chan is the only reliable guy in the planet (or universe).

Since he felt as if looking at Kagura only pissed him off all the more, he turned his head to one side and pointedly avoided meeting her glare. "Danna isn't my responsibility, China; that's megane's job," he deadpanned in reply. "He's not some kid, so quit acting like nanny. It's annoying."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"Like I'm going to repeat what I said, idiot—" Sougo paused briefly before he rolled his eyes and sighed. "You heard me; I haven't seen danna lately, so I don't know where he is… but I think I last saw him a week ago."

Kagura loosened her grip on his coat as soon as he finished talking. She threw herself back to her seat and, surprisingly, quieted.

"No way…" She looked awfully… pitiful; even desperate, with that crushed expression on her face. "…Stupid Gin-chan. Stupid, stupid Gin-chan."

'Ahhhh, hear that, danna? She thinks you're stupid. Really, really stupid.' Sougo mentally scolded him. 'Awww. China looks as if she needs you badly. And she looks like she's about to cry. I thought you disliked a woman's tears more than anything? Seriously. You're the one who should be dealing with this idiot, not me.'

Sougo sighed. He didn't have time for this. He'd always liked torturing Kagura—kicking her sorry ass and beating her up would always make his day back then—and at the same time he regarded her as his worthy rival, but somehow the crushed face that he's seeing right now didn't sit well with him at all. What was more oddly unsettling is that he felt like he just couldn't walk out and leave her to angst alone. Didn't he always just smirk at her and leave her alone whenever she lost against him in a fight, not pitying her in the least bit?

'Darn it. Where's the alien girl with monstrous strength? Who's this person? She looks like China but at the same time not China, not at all like her. Heavens, please give her back, right now. I'd rather get beaten up by her than have to deal with this troublesome thing that looks like her. Oh, and danna, it's your fault I get stuck in this, so I'll be having your head on a golden platter next to Hijikata-san's the next time I see you… '

His thoughts dissolved as soon as he noticed Kagura slowly raising her head and looking at him… with narrowed eyes.

"Hey, sadist," she said rather impatiently, "Tell me, are you going to help me or not?"

"Depends on your favor," Sougo said simply, "…and the situation. But I can't say I'm happy to help."

"Oh." She hung her chin weakly and gave Sadaharu a pat on the ear. "Oh well, I guess I'll have to tell you the situation, then. You see, Papi and some old geezer from some other Yato family agreed to have their children marry. It's an arranged marriage. That old man has a son and a daughter, too, and since my good-for-nothing older brother whose whereabouts remain unknown is definitely out of the question, I'm the one who has no choice, who has to marry a man I don't even know and has to go through this whole ordeal."

Given that he was a natural at being completely indifferent in even the toughest situations known to mankind, it would certainly be odd to see a wide-eyed Sougo gaping in surprise, especially after hearing someone say "Hey dude, I'm gonna get married." like they're only talking about the weather.

However, that certain oddity was exactly what Kagura's seeing in front of her right now as Sougo wordlessly stared at her and said, "Wait—so you're… you're betrothed?"

WHAM!!!

"DON'T LOOK AS IF THE FACT THAT I'D SOON GET MARRIED IS UNBELIEVABLE, YOU ASSHOLE!!! Gah, you seriously piss me off!!!"

"Right, sorry," Sougo half-heartedly apologized while nursing his bleeding nose. In truth, he wasn't that sorry; heck, he may not have been sorry at all. There was no way he could hide his surprise at what she told him and how she told him the news (she was disturbingly calm, damn it!). His incredulous face was proof of that. China? Betrothed? Hah. Impossible.

…and yet, by just looking at her regained composure and serious face, Sougo knew otherwise.

She wasn't lying.

"Can I continue now?"

"Sure, go on." Thankfully the bleeding wasn't severe and he could still talk properly.

"Even if I stick the tip of my umbrella up his nostril or try to hide all his wigs so he can't wear them, Papi won't tell me why they had this whole arranged marriage thing going along. That baldy, he thinks he can get away with forcing his own daughter to marry a total stranger. But it's not like I can't defy their decision!" She suddenly looked all fired up. "He doesn't have faith in my skills as a woman—that must be it! And I'm proving him WRONG!"

Sougo nodded, beginning to understand. "So you came back to Edo to—?"

"—look for a fiancé of my choice, of course!"

A fire of determination was dancing in her eyes. She seemed so eager to prove herself to her father and the old geezer she spoke of.

"Besides, Papi and Mami were forced to marry each other; that's why they ended up being unhappy. But I'm definitely not going to end up like them!"

She looked straight into his eyes and pointed a finger at him. "And YOU'RE helping me, right?"

Sougo was silent as he contemplated on this. His face was unreadable, passive as always, but a hurricane of scenarios and what if possibilities were coming in and out of his head all at once. There were the pros, the cons, the positives, the negatives—but he could only make out the parts saying that being her mock fiancé would be very, very interesting.

And playing along her plot to go against those among the strongest race in the universe? Definitely worthwhile.

He felt his lips tug upward.

'This is going to be VERY amusing.'

"If a fiancé is all you need, then okay. I'll help you."

It was Kagura's turn to do an incredulous face. She seemed surprised, to have gained the cooperation of the sadistic bastard she had always hated. But nevertheless, China beamed gratefully at him, her grin practically reaching her ears. It's the first time she gave him this particular happy face of hers—the kind that had no trace of sadism or malice in it.

"Great! I owe you for this, sadist! Now let's look for Gin-chan. I'm sure he'll agree to be my fiancé!"

His smirk vanished.

'Wait—WHAT?!'

"Wait wait wait—am I missing something here?" He felt as if something that was just beginning to form at the back of his head suddenly fell apart.

"Huh?" Kagura blinked and scowled at him. "Don't tell me you weren't listening! You're willing to help me look for a fiancé, right?"

"Well, yeah, but I thought—"

"—and Gin-chan's the only one who can probably pull it all off perfectly well! Pretending to be my ideal fiancé, I mean. Plus, Papi knows Gin-chan too, so he won't really disapprove, would he? All I need to do is look for him, and you're helping me with that."

Sougo stared at her real hard.

His mouth was twitching. His eyebrow was twitching. Heck, his hand was twitching, too, as if it's itching to get hold of his bazooka, wanting to aim at something badly. He felt incredibly stupid and was pissed off big time. And China's bright, smiling face did nothing but further aggravate his growing annoyance.

Before this he had always believed that Hijikata, Mr. Pestilence in the Flesh, was the only walking nuisance in this world, and that his life can only be perfect if the fates finally determine the day of Hijikata's eventual extinction. But today, in this bench, in this park, at this time, Sougo realized that there was somebody else who can be as remarkably infuriating as that bastard. And that aforementioned person was just there, oh so dangerously there, grinning at him.

All his life, Sougo had never wanted to blast all of Edo into smithereens as much as he did now.

Problem is, he didn't know who he wanted to obliterate first— China, danna… or himself.

TBC

Notes (just in case):

• Sougo refers to Gin-san as danna — fansubs and scanlations would translate this as "boss" or "sir".
• Megane means "glasses" (as in eyeglasses). Obviously that's Shinpachi.
• Kagura calls Otae ane-go, which probably means "big sister". Or uhm… you know how you'd call a female mob boss? Yeah, in that sense (I think). It's like the female counterpart of aniki ("big brother").
• Papi = Umibouzu

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