I came back with another one, I am sure you all are bored by now…Yet, I am trying my best to entertain you, sniff. Well, this time I wanted to explore our little Sasuke's mind - show how true emotions work, how illogical love and crush can be. Never thought of these yourself? So, on with the story then!

Please do not flame (I do not find a reason for it so you better not either). I apologize for the possible misspellings and other errors.

CHECK OUT MY OTHER SASUNARU/NARUSASU STORIES TOO AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

Pairing: Naruto x Sasuke / Sasuke x Naruto

Summary: Loving your best friend secretly, drowning in despair not being able to tell him how you feel; sounds familiar? All Sasuke wanted was Naruto to see him, really see him and love him back. Why is it so hard then…why does it hurt? NaruSasu, M for SEX

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the characters or whatsoever (do not sue me Mr. Kishimoto), I am just loaning them and returning to the rightful owner (Mr. Kishimoto).

Killing Me, Killing You

I hate seeing him like this; I hate how stubborn he is. His whole body gets tensed when he is angry; I hate making him feel like this. Yet, I cannot help myself…every time I kill some part of him. He must hate me…lying half-dead in my own vomit, choking. The alcohol rapes my body, makes it numb, drowns me in a sweet non-existence. I just look at him hazily while his velvety lips keep moving, but I do not hear anything.

I can only think how amazing he is taking care of me, making sure I do not die here. If I raised my hand, would he let me stroke his cheek? What would happen if I said that I loved him? I bet his blue eyes would widen making them seem more like two diamonds. He would be surprised, maybe even scared. But, he would not love me back…Naruto would not love me back.

It all started in junior high; I was the new kid and maybe considered odd because of it. He was the only one who ever talked to me - a real cliché and I fell for it. Why would I stand here if I did not? Well, things lead to other things and soon we were best friends. It never occurred to me how it happened, you know, I just found myself in him or something.

Suddenly it was not just hey and hi in the cafeteria but real conversations. Like talking about movies and how he had a weird obsession on Milla Jovovich. That part I never understood, since I always thought guys - including me - liked big boobs. He said he likes tomboyish girls, which was rather odd, but I shrugged it off - now it seems to be my only life-saver although I am not a girl.

Everyone thought he was not the brightest crayon in the box but he was actually quite clever for a blonde noisy guy. Like, one night he took me to our city tower just to watch stars; he even brought a blanket and food. We talked about life and all other shit and that was probably the moment I knew I was falling for him. His eyes twinkled alongside the stars as he ate strawberries and all I could do was watch his strawberry-stained lips form perfect words full of nonsense and it tickled in my tummy.

I wondered whether his lips would taste like strawberries, hell -any berries would be fine. I did not have the courage to ask him nor taste those plush lips myself and I still do not have. I am afraid I will destroy everything we have now; all I can do is jerk off to him at night and moan his name on my sinful lips. I touch myself all over pretending it is his hands doing the sparkling magic, but I guess I cannot ever reach the full essence of it. It is never sparkling magic, just a small lighter that does not even work properly.

They are still my hands, not his and they probably will not change into his hands even though I wish for it more than anything. After ejaculation I feel so utterly empty as if I had raped his pure image. I always feel so dirty afterwards and yet, I keep doing it. It is not just his body I crave for…I crave for his love, soul, and the thing that makes Naruto "Naruto". I want to walk hand in hand, share a milkshake and go to movies while snuggling. All those girly romantic stuff that guys resent - I want them all.

Maybe I am a hopeless, but for me, love is just that; it is somewhere between energy equals mass multiplied with speed of light raised to the square and me. I try to reach for love and it slips away just to show up from behind the next corner smiling like an idiot. I know I probably should not keep my hopes up since Naruto is straight like an arrow is and I am…well, straight like a circle. Just for him though, I do not know why - that is something I want to get out in the open.

Am I mixing love, friendship and gratitude? What is the difference between love and friendship in the end? One loves one's friends, when does it cross the line of not being appropriate anymore? Wanting to kiss your best male friend? Maybe. Stealing glances in the locker-room while he is in the shower? Perhaps. Why am I so fucking agitated by this? It is probably something all the guys go through in their puny lives not telling anyone about, since they are too ashamed.

Guys and I-love-yous do not usually occur in the same sentence when one is under 18 years old. It is that stupid wild and free "girls cannot pin me down" way of thinking that is actually a load of bullshit. I think this ankle-twisting situation of mine is not a trick of puberty; I really do want Naruto in all aspects. I do not even care whether I would be the bottom or the top…that does not really matter in a relationship.

I think situation offers the best solution to everything - if I want to be fucked by him then be it so and if not, I am still willing to bend. You know why? Because I am fucking in love with that guy. Really in love and not just that teenage shit that only lasts two weeks. The only time those girls and boys meet during those weeks are to say something nonsense and blush and dump the other since the other never really understood anything. "He was not what I expected" is the greatest lie of them all; one creates stupid expectations that cannot be true in any universe. When those images crumble the problems always lie in the other person - what if the problem really lay in you? Like in me for not being able to kiss him and tell him how much I wanted him to be mine.

I am drunk and I still cannot open my mouth and blurt everything out. Instead I just watch him and smile like an idiot so that he thinks I am making an ass out of him and all I fucking wanted to tell him was that he was my Rushmore. Okay, maybe I have never been to Rushmore but the movie was quite good.

What the fuck I am thinking? I should be telling him now that everything is okay and he does not have to worry. But then again, if I closed my eyes, would he think I was passing out and give me mouth-to-mouth screaming "do not die on me Sasuke!"? Probably not, but I think it is worth trying, although I am quite sleepy…I hope I can remember how his lips tasted before I doze off.