Two Weeks Ago

a perspective from 'They keep Killing Suzie' by wordwaterfall

Two weeks ago, I was shot, until now I believed that was he worst pain I would ever experience

Two weeks ago, I was shot, until now I believed that was he worst pain I would ever experience. I thought it was over. Now, I can hardly think, the pain is so bad. I can't hold my head upright, I have to lean my head against the rattling glass of the car window. The cold of the glass isn't soothing, it is painful, the warm blood dripping down my back tickled. I couldn't move my arms, or my legs, I can hardly hold my eyes open. I idly wonder what Rhys would say if he saw the bloodstain on the passenger seat, or if he would ever see this car again, if it would be stashed away like I would soon. Dead to the world. Lost, but never misplaced.

Someone is talking. If it is to me, I don't know, the words aren't making any sense- all sounding like a crazy backwards alien language in my head. Until I hear my name, Gwen Cooper, I had almost forgotten it. I feel all cold, and all together too hot all at the same time. I feel like I am drifting out at sea. I can hear Jack, maybe he could save me?

If she is dead, I'm gonna kill you, Suzie Costello.

I think she'll kill me first, jack.

I can't move, speak or see- but I can feel. There is no pain like this I have ever felt. There is nothing to distract me. It's not numbing, it's only getting more real. Slowly, I can feel my mind slipping away. I wonder if Owen is panicking, if he'll miss me. I wonder why I didn't think of Rhys first. I wonder if that was my last thought. Or if that was. Or that.

I want to close my eyes. Maybe sleep will help? No! No, my heart jumps to my throat painfully as I panic. I don't want to die, I don't want to be stashed away. Bloody rules and regulations, I don't want to be stashed away under rules and regulations. I want to live. I want to live! I want to see Owen again. I need Owen, Owen is a doctor he can make this go away. Make this pain go far away. Make this fear disappear.

Rhys could have, once.

The rattling window ceases, and the engine dies. A door slams, another opens, and I fall sideways. Suddenly, my handle on the world disappears. My head spins, I feel so ill, I want to be sick, I try to put on foot in front of the other, but I just clumsily trip over my own feet. The early morning air burns my lungs, the light sting my eyes. I can smell her, and she smells so fresh, so alive. I'm dying.

The familiar scent of my Grandma greets my nose, and I smile weakly. Maybe Suzie lied. The pain begins to disappear. I feel the floor, and then nothing. Nothing at all.

That's them. There they are. Gwen is on the floor. No, no, this isn't right. We can't be too late. Jack stops the car, and we both tumble out. Stop the menace, save Gwen. Save Gwen, Save Gwen, She can't be dead. Can't be dead. Like mantras in my mind.

I fall to my knees next to her. Her eyes are closed, she is pale. Her freckles stand out in stark relief to her skin. I thought they were cute once, but now they'll forever be part of my nightmares. I grab her shoulder, shaking her, nothing. I check her pulse, searching her neck desperately for blood being pumped through veins. Nothing. No, Gwen, I gather her into my arms, blood pours over my arm. Slippery on the leather of my jacket.

"No, Gwen" I whispered into her bloodied hair. "Don't let that bitch win, please don't let her win"

Suzie was right. Gwen was more than she ever was, in every sense. She was human, she was strong, she had morals. She meant more to me because she.picked.me. She wasn't some easy fuck, I'd picked up on a night out. Suzie happened to be around on a stressful day, and I instigated what was easy . Gwen resisted at first, but she turned up on my doormat. As I opened the door, I didn't feel gratification that she gave in, I felt amazed that she had picked me.

I felt things I was terrified of, and now I'm selfishly scared I'll never feel them again. Because maybe she's the only one that can create them in me. The only one. I wanted to feel.

"I want to feel Gwen, I don't want you to go, please don't go. She can't win."

"Owen, Anything?" A shout.

"I think we're too late" I hear the words, and I'm convincing myself.

Gunshots in one ear, and silence to its partner, who is the most eager. The absence of that tickle of breath on my face, that was felt many a morning.

I miss her, he miss her comments, the flirting. Her. I miss Gwen. And Gwen's gone.

"Anything!?" Even Jack is desperate now.

"Nothing!" I shout back, "Nothing" I repeat, my voice breaking on the last syllable.

Gwen's gone. She's not coming back. Tears push at my eyes, and I choke them back. No woman is going to make me cry. Not Owen Harper.

I can't hear anything Jack is shouting now. Just the constant Mantra in my head until-

Movement in my arms. Gwen is taking huge gasping breathes, panicking, trying to get away, crying, sobbing. I clutch her to me, and she utters my name. I hold her tighter, and she holds me back. Muttering my name over, and over. Colour returns to her face, and the cute freckles are back.

Thank god, was all I could think, Thank you.