Disclaimer: I am not Garth Nix; I would've thought that was slightly obvious.

If I was, why the hell would I be on here pretending to be a girl? Ask yourself that!

So yeah, Arthur's moody, Suzy's a bit dumb and Sneezer's obsessed with cleaning!

Arthur.

"Where are we going again?" Suzy asks me dubiously.

I sigh. No matter how many times I tell Suzy that we're visiting Earth, my home planet, it just doesn't seem to sink in. Either she doesn't listen, or she isn't quite all there.

"Earth, Suzy. You know big, round, blue and green planety thing, where I should be right now, but no. I'm stuck here aren't I. I should be allowed to grow up, have a childhood, and make friends! I'm such a loner!"

My voice catches and I decide to shut up.

Ok, maybe that was a bit much, I don't want to upset Suzy but…

You try defeating some strange, overgrown things that want to try and kill you, every single bloody day!

It doesn't do anything for your stress levels, I can tell you!

But anyway. Breathe.

I finish packing my stuff and turn to Suzy. She's sitting in the middle of the meeting table in Monday's dayroom drinking tea and humming to herself.

The Will, or Dame Primus as she likes to be called won't be very happy about that, and Sneezer will have one of his mad sneezing fits when he sees the muddy boot prints she has left.

Sneezer's like that you see. Obsessively tidy, hates mess. I suppose it started when I changed him back to normal after defeating Mister Monday, and gaining the first key.

Meh. You win some, you lose some.

"Ready Suzy?" I ask.

She jumps down from the table with a huge grin on her face, and gives me the thumbs down. I ignore this and hope to god a holiday will do her some good.

We've used the Improbable Stair before, but only in emergencies. Now it's just for fun, for a holiday that I deserve so much.

I withdraw the first key from where it rests at my side. It's my favourite you see.

It's all shiny and pretty…

I stare around the room, wondering what I can use to form the stair.

"Ah hah!" I cry, spotting a pile of official looking papers in the corner, left over from when the morrow days were trying to drown us in official mumbo-jumbo.

Suzy grabs hold of my belt, and grins at me as I look back at her over my shoulder.

LET'S DO THIS THING!! She yells as we jump into the air.

Solid ground is beneath our feet again almost instantaneously.

As I open my eyes, I have to squint until my eyes get used to the glare coming off of the cool white marble of the Improbable Stair. It disappears off into the distance, and I try to visualise where I want to go.

Before we proceed, however, I have to make one thing clear.

"Now Suzy, whatever happens, don't let go!"

"Yeah yeah, as if I'd ever do that! I'm actually quite careful you know…I mean, I didn't actually mean to sit on that transfer plate and break it, and that whole hoo-ha about Sneezers shoe polish 'going missing' was nothing to do with me. I only wanted to see what a turtle would look like if I painted it black and…"

Her voice fades away into an incoherent mumble as I concentrate on moving forwards up the stair.

I can't help but think about that time I fell down the stairs at home though.

Imagine falling down here, I mean OUCH!

Now that I think of it though…it's quite likely to happen. I mean look at Suzy. She's still rambling on bless her. She has moved on from breaking transfer plates and turtles and is insulting Superior Saturday again. Calling her names I again see.

She'll get over it I'm sure.

I don't how much more of this I can take though, so I decide to change the topic of conversation.

"Suzy…?" I say as calmly as possible.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you always wear a hat?" It was the first thing that popped into my head, honest.

"What, this old thing?" She questions, pointing at the squashed and battered top hat that she always wears.

"No, the one on your butt. Which did you think I meant?" I reply sarcastically.

"Well… It's handy, y'know. For putting stuff in, sandwiches and the like. Ooh and cheese! But not that smelly stuff, that don't do your hat much good. You've got to respect your hat you see. Respect it Arthur, respect it."

"Really?"

This doesn't seem all that exciting.

"Well…if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone, especially not Monday's noon?" Asked Suzy hesitantly.

"Of course I won't tell anyone!" I smiled, while mentally preparing a list of people that I could tell, including the world and his wife.

"It's just…umm… myhairgoesfrizzysometimes!" She mumbled, squishing the sentence up into one word and saying it in the quietest voice that she could manage.

I thought it would be something amazing, some really big secret that would help me solve the mystery of girl kind.

But no. Frizzy hair is all I get.

"Have you never heard of straighteners?" I ask…then I realise what I said, and how damn camp I sound.

"And they would be?"

"Well, they're these really cool things, they get hot, then you put them on your hair for a bit and they make it all nice and straight and unfrizzified!

I'm losing concentration now, but I just can't stop. I love straighteners; they're like my personal saviours!

As I look up, I see the steps fading away a bit, and the floor beneath my feet feels a bit unstable.

What's going on?

Suzy is starting to trip behind me, and I stumble too.

All of a sudden, we're flying, falling through the air.

"Suzy! I'm gonna kill you for this!!" I yell.

Thump

I stare up towards the bright lights and wonder where the hell we are.

Maybe some cool other world, with new stuff to eat…and highly advanced straighteners!

A wonderful world full of people with straight, unfrizzy hair…

The light is fading a bit now, and I can just make out a sign.

Suzy stirs beside me, and, as she is part denizen and can recover quicker than me, starts to read the sign.

"T-E-S…"

I cut her off before she can finish.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I hope you like this first chapter, it may be a bit long, but hopefully it's ok!

Please review and tell me what you think.

:D

XxX