Author's Note: Wow, it's been too long since I've written anything. I've gotten rusty. So please excuse this poor thing. Consider it a pick me up for myself. Thanks.
That's Not Funny
By: The BatThing
That night hadn't been boring. It wasn't even one in the morning yet, and there had been a robbery attempt and two separate accounts of assault, all of which had been countered by the Dark Knight and his partner (who was in quite good spirits). After all it was the weekend and that meant more freedom. The eleven-year-old was practically bouncing, flipping about and being a show-off when given the opportunity. He liked praise. Commissioner Gordon had even said Robin was 'quite the acrobat.'
It was growing a bit annoying to the Batman, who found the stunts unnecessary and becoming flashier with each passing chance. Usually Robin kept a level head, but tonight he wasn't taking things seriously. The Dark Knight had even pulled a bit of a lecture early, after watching the scarlet clad figure getting a bit too cocky. Instead of just making things simple, Robin had taken his dear sweet time, bobbling about, going this way and that, mocking the man who had tried to attack some woman on her way home.
He wouldn't fight, he'd just move out of the way, laughing when the man got frustrated. Then the eleven year would say something sarcastic, like he usually would. Batman had allowed it until the man had gotten in an easy hit that could have been avoided if Robin had been paying closer attention.
"Take things seriously or go home."
"I am taking it seriously! Maybe you take things too seriously. Huh?"
That had earned a glare.
That had been almost two hours ago, and now the two were making their way across Gotham, cutting in and out of traffic. Robin had seen a car full of pretty girls who waved profusely even though they couldn't see through the tinted windows. It was at that moment, between wishing he could wave and knowing it'd be pointless, that a call to the police was intercepted.
The Joker had been spotted down in Crime Alley.
Batman's demeanor changed completely. He made a call to Gordon, which didn't get through, naturally. "You aren't going to leave the car. Do you understand?"
Robin held his breath. Never before had he been able to go anywhere near a case involving the Joker. He had heard rumors about the insane clown, but never had Batman even dropped a hint that the boy would ever even be considered to work anywhere near the mad man. It was his lucky day. Naturally he was a bit frightened, but curiosity was overwhelming. The Joker was Batman's arch enemy, right? Robin was supposed to be able to work on cases involving the criminal. "I promise." He was hasty with his reply, maybe a bit too hasty, because his mentor gave him another glare.
They had been in the Upper East Side, so the drive itself took a few minutes. Dillon Avenue would have been the easiest choice, but it wasn't ever clear of traffic, so back roads were taken in its place. Through Burnley and over to Crime Alley where the car was parked in the middle of nowhere, Batman opened the hood and jumped out. He gave a pointed glare. "Stay."
"Yeah. I'll stay." And the child watched his guardian go, nowhere near planning to sit this one out. He waited a few moments and then opened up the car, about ready to follow in the direction his guardian had gone when another call came through.
"Suspect has been spotted in the Bowery." Static, a lot of static. "Hading Street." More static. "Advise caution."
He knew he'd have to be fast and lucky, but this was so worth it! Speedy, Kid Flash, Aqualad – let them all know that Robin was going to bring down the Joker, and he wouldn't be scared. The Boy Wonder sprang from the car, knowing he could get to Hading Street quickly from here.
By the time Robin got there it was clearly too late to call 'firsties'. Cops were swarming the place, and to the child's horror he saw his guardian down there, stalking about with Gordon, the two sharing what they knew. Just great.
"Aren't they something to see?"
What the? The eleven-year-old swirled around in horror, chills running all over his body, yet at the same time he was frozen. Here, just a few feet away, staring him in the eyes, was the man who everyone feared so much. Who even Batman appeared frightened of. And … he was wearing a dress? Robin kept still, eyes wide and mouth shut, back arched as he tried to keep his distance.
"I'm a woman."
That was almost funny. "…You're the Joker." It was hardly a whisper. "What are you still doing here?"
"I'm a woman." There was such seriousness there, and the man with the white skin shuffled a bundle in his arms that caught Robin's attention. It was like he was holding a baby. "Do you like my dress?"
Silence.
"I found it in a second hand thrift store, half price, you know." He laughed a little and stepped closer to Robin, staring him down and then smiling. "You're smaller than I thought you'd be."
"You're weirder then I thought you'd be."
This was the cause for more laughter, and the Joker threw his head back, pulling the bundle tighter against his chest. "Kid has nerve. I like that. So, think they'll find me?" He dropped down and crawled oddly over to the edge, peering up to see what was going on down below. "Or did you find us good hiding spot?"
Was this really the Joker? The man in a floral dress that looked like it was from the thirties? The man making conversation? From where Robin stood, the villain appeared to be nothing worse then Moth Man or the Condiment King. Lame criminal of the month goes to … "You're under arrest. You broke the law."
"I did?" A look of confusion. "What did I do?"
Good question, Robin certainly wasn't sure. He ignored it and pulled out handcuffs, like that might show his authority. "You're insane, and you have a bad taste in clothing. Does that work?" He was getting a bit confident again.
"But I'm a woman."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am. My name's Mrs. Crocker." So Joker knew how to get a smile out of a little boy apparently. Robin couldn't help himself. He tried to regain his serious expression, but just seeing Joker in his ridiculous outfit, sitting there, looking so serious – Robin gave a giggle. "You're crazy."
Joker got up to his feet, big smile, and approached the boy again. He put down his bundle carefully and then held out both hands. "Guilty as charged, arrest me before I do any more damage to anyone else. Please."
Robin wasn't stupid. Things weren't that easy. He backed away only to have the Joker suddenly launch himself and bring the boy to the ground, knocking away the handcuffs and laughing yet again as he pinned the child down. "You don't arrest poor defenseless women! Didn't the big black meany bat teach you anything?"
Now there was real fear. Robin struggled and discovered that with the Joker looks were as deceiving as could be. The man was strong, holding him down so powerfully. "Let me go."
"Oh, hush, I won't hurt you. I'm a woman. Now hold still. This will only take a second." He pulled out a tube of lipstick from his purse and took off the cap. His knee was uncomfortably holding down Robin's arm, digging in, and he was afraid for his life. Joker, on the other hand, just began to apply the lipstick, tracing across the lips and drawing the Boy Wonder's smile wider, up across his cheeks. "You should thank me. I got this from Cover Girl's Private Collection." And with that, he jumped to his feet and ran across the roof of the building, jumping down and scaling down a latter, screaming the whole way. "HELP ME! THE JOKER'S AFTER ME!"
Robin slowly sat up, unsure what to do. He watched as the dressed man ran into the center of where all the cops were gathered, getting everyone's attention. It was almost funny. Seeing the Joker in the dress, running around until he came to Batman, at which point he stopped, smiling wide. "Hello tall, dark, and handsome."
This earned another giggle from Robin who quickly covered his mouth.
The Joker was quickly handcuffed, cops with their guns drawn all watching him carefully. Batman, on the other hand, wasn't amused with any of it. He reached out and grabbed a fistful of the fabric, jerking the clown close. "Where's the baby?!"
"MY BABY! HAVE YOU SEEN MY BABY?!"
"STOP IT, JOKER!" Gordon shouted. He practically ran at the man, grabbing fistfuls of the dress and shaking. Hard. "What did you do with the baby?!"
"Clearly I lost it. I think the Joker took it."
Robin shivered and reached up to his mouth, touching his lips and feeling the thick painted smile that the mad-man had etched across his face.
"He's atop that building over there. SAVE MY BABY!"
Oh god. Turning to look over at where the Joker had placed the bundle, Robin realized what was happening. He held his breath and walked over to the pile of blankets, staring down at them and already feeling tears starting. He didn't want to look. So then why was his hand reaching out and pulling the blankets away, trying to see what they were holding.
A baby, no more than seven months old, neck snapped and head loose to the side. Skin white, bleached, a red smile painted in place.
"SAVE MY BABY!"
Robin stared at the child for what seemed like forever. He couldn't do anything else.
He snatched a blanket and tried to clean off the paint, to make the baby look like it had before taken. But all the flannel sheet did was smear it about and make the infant's head turn in ways that were frightening.
And from the blankets, pictures were falling. Pictures of the baby before. It was smiling, being held by the Joker, who was smiling with it. And then pictures of the baby crying. Pictures of the baby dying.
Robin shot away from the child, not knowing why he had thought it would be such a good idea to come. Why had he come? He ran to the edge of the building, not a clue as to where he was going. Maybe back home. Maybe to the car. Maybe to beat the Joker for what he had done. It didn't matter anyhow. No matter where he went the baby would still be dead.
A dark figure landed soundlessly beside him, the sound of the cable stretching filled the child's ears and his eyes grew. "It's hurt." He whispered.
Batman was picking up the small and lifeless body now. He collected the pictures and then growled a: "stay here."
Robin didn't have to be told twice. His confidence was gone, and his pride diminished. He watched his mentor walk back across the roof, the whole while cradling the baby so carefully. Down below the Joker was laughing, but nothing was funny.
END