Disclaimer: I do not own Maria-sama ga miteru.

You can never know

I.

Everyday I watch her every move for every second. It's like torture to me, but I can't help it. Most of the time we are together anyway, so what does it matter whether I look at her or not? If I didn't, I would simply feel her presence as if I was actually watching, and that's as intoxicating and agonizing as staring at her. So I prefer to just watch, always. She knows what I'm doing of course, but she has no clue what goes on in my head when I do it. She merely thinks I'm being a caring and curious petite soeur. That would've been true if it were several months ago; but now it has evolved in something much more. There's something dark lurking inside of me now.

She has always been so kind to me, helping me when I was in trouble, comforting me when I was sad, worrying about me when I was feeling down. And on such a particular evening, while she was stroking my hair soothingly because I felt like a total failure, having just broken up with my boyfriend, I felt a hunger I had never felt before. A hunger for Shimako. I was shocked; hadn't I just broken up with my boyfriend? And now I was lusting over a girl? I was convinced I was some sick and perverted mind, but it didn't stop me from dreaming about her every single night; it didn't stop me from waking up every single morning, covered in my own sweat and wetness. I craved her so much that I would have confessed, if only she hadn't been so determined to become a nun. I had never cursed religion before, but when I realized my loss, I did. I cursed all of the gods together.

The only thing left for me to do is to keep staring at her and let myself be taken away in this continuous spiral of agonizing desire. Holding back in silence is of utmost importance, for she can never know.

II.

I can't stop thinking about her, not during the lessons, not when I'm doing my work for the Yamayurikai, not when I'm lying in bed. She fills my thoughts from the moment I wake up until the moment I finally fall asleep. I dare not look at her that often, for the simple reason that I'm afraid of what I will do when I see her lovely face. I always sense her watching me, and it makes me shiver as well as sends heat through my entire body.

I had never expected to fall in love with someone, let alone a person from the same sex. I had come to this school to indulge myself in my religion, to walk the path of God. My father had told me to wait and make a proper decision after I finished school, but it had been my life-long passion to become a nun. There was no doubt about me fulfilling this dream.

As many of the girls at school, I too found a petite soeur. We met in a rather special way, as if being a prelude to the way our relationship would develop. We quickly became more than just soeurs, we became best friends. She entrusted me with every secret of her life, and in return I told her every emotion, every feeling I had. The bond we had only grew stronger and stronger, and I began to notice I had feelings for her. I felt an indescribable need for Noriko. I wanted to see her everyday, wanted to touch her every time, wanted to feel her body under mine. I became scared of myself, having these feelings. What was I thinking, desiring her so much?

I have sworn to walk the path I had long ago chosen. I know my sinful thoughts are slowly eating away my soul, yet I can't stop myself from wanting her. It hurts, but I can't forsake my dream; I must always act normal in front of her and never let my guard down. For she can never know.

III.

She's always by my side, every single moment of the day except during class. After school, she always comes to my house, to chat or to play games. She has no idea what she's doing to me, being near me all the time. Every time I accidentally touch her, it sends jolts of electricity through my spine. Every time we hug, I can hardly breathe because my heart beats so fast. Still, I find myself wanting her to touch me. Even though it pains me to know it can never be more than a pat on the head, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and even though I know it will eventually hurt me more if I keep her so close to me, these small gestures of affection are the only consolation I have for the burning pain inside my heart. But they are also the fuel.

We have been the best of friends ever since I was born. She would always be there for me, protect me, and I knew I could count on her. When I pushed her away because of that, I regretted my decision immediately as I realized I wanted her by my side again. I longed to hear her voice again; I wanted to just be with her. When we finally made up, my feelings of longing had transformed into feelings of love and desire. I desired Rei. This insane thought kept haunting me in my dreams; I started to even daydream about her. It was bad enough that she was a girl, but she was also my cousin. People would think I was a perverted mind if they knew how I felt for her. And I would agree with them.

Why are we always together, why are we always spending time with each other? It tortures me, but at the same time it makes me happy. And the touches, the touches always make me go weak of restrained desire. But I can't let her act differently than she always does, because she would know in an instant that something was wrong. So I just let her be, and let her be close to me. For she can never know.

IV.

I'm always by her side, every single moment of the day except during class. I can't help it; I always want to be as close to her as possible. I go to her room every evening, mostly with fresh-baked cookies or a cake. We eat, we talk, we have fun. I ruffle her head, pinch her cheek and I can't help myself doing it. I want to casually touch her as often as possible, because that's the only thing I can do. I want to do so much more, touch her at places private to anyone besides her, but I know it's impossible.

I realized these feelings when she gave back my rosary. My heart broke at the sight of the necklace swinging in front of my eyes, as she held it out to me. Those few days when we were apart I could not eat, sleep or even think coherently. In the beginning, I did not fully understand why I felt this way. It was true that we had always been together, and it was normal that I was sad and mad at her for acting this way, but the pain inside of me made me numb. I could not do anything. I suspected something about my true feelings, but I ignored them. After the kendo tournament, I went to see her in the hospital and we made up. She wanted to show me her scar, but in order for her to do that, she had to undress herself first. When I caught sight of her perfect breasts, realisation hit me so fast I was unable to deny it this time. I was in love with Yoshino. I refused to think of her that way, I trained harder in kendo than ever before, but it was of no use. The image of her naked body popped up in my mind every time possible, blocking my senses. It would be unfair to her, to our families, if I confessed. What would they think of me? Things could never be the same again if I did, and it hurt me to no end as I realized it.

We spend our days together as usual, and I act around her as if I don't crave her with my entire mind, body and soul. I live to be with her, but she let's me suffer as well. I can't keep her away from me however, because she would ask me why and then I wouldn't be able to lie to her. And I can't let that happen, ever. For she can never know.

V.

I think she's the most beautiful person on earth. Rather, I'm convinced that she is; everything about her is perfect. Everything from her long, dark hair to her soft, feminine voice. She knows that I think she's perfect, because I told her so. But what she doesn't know is that I want that perfect body only to myself. I want to touch it, kiss it, taste it. I want her to scream my name in pleasure.

I thought I was going to faint when she wanted me to become her soeur for real. The first time she offered, I declined. I didn't want to become her soeur that way, even though I admired her so much. But the second time, it was a genuine offer. And I accepted it gladly. Because in those few days we spent together talking and practicing for the school play, my admiration for her had turned into something else. I had gotten to know her a little bit better, but I wanted to get to know her much better, better than anyone else. I wanted to know everything about her, wanted to know her every secret, her every dream. God, I wanted Sachiko. She was a girl and already engaged to her cousin, but I couldn't control my feelings. My mind drifted away, every time I thought about her. I had fantasies about her doing things to me so I constantly had to take care of myself in the bathroom. It didn't exactly help that she was always touching me, fixing my scarf and wiping my mouth. She merely acted as a good soeur would do, and I did not complain, but it ached to know that I could never be more intimate with her. It ached to know that she had to give her love to her cousin in marriage. I hated him for that.

I'll never tell her my true feelings, because she would think I was crazy. I already think I'm crazy for wanting her this way. I can do nothing more than to stay by her side and be a good soeur. Nothing more than that. For she can never know.

VI.

I love every single thing about her. Her eyes, her smile, her personality, everything. She has no clue of what she means to me, no clue of how I feel for her, what I think every time I watch her. Not only is she in every single dream I dream, I also feel her in my very essence. She's everything to me.

She supported me throughout every difficult task I had to endure; she consoled me whenever I was sad; she was by my side every time I needed her. It was no surprise then that these feelings grew inside of me, slowly but surely. And then it exploded inside of me when she told me she loved me. I wanted to hold her in my arms back then, and kiss her. I wanted to kiss Yumi. But I composed myself and simply smiled, even though I was disgusted by my true intentions towards her. It was wrong to have these feelings. Yet I thought about her constantly. I brought pleasure to myself while her name was on my lips. A pleasure that could only be topped if it were really her bringing me to that edge. A pleasure that foolish cousin of mine would never be able to bring me, not even close.

It sickens me that I'm bound to him and that I can never be bound to her that way. I condemn him to hell for it. I condemn myself for wanting her so bad. The thought of not being able to have her is driving me to the brink of insanity, but I must act normal for her sake. For she can never know.