Just so you know, if you didn't already, there is a sequel up! It's called 'Finding Tomorrow', so go have a look. And, because I didn't want to post something that was just an author's note, I give you the product of extreme boredom and a twisted sense of humour: a script format parody of Escaping Yesterday. You can blame Ed's Angel for this, she convinced me to post it.
Disclaimer: I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I have absolutely no excuse for the following, and I don't own the characters I am so cruel to. Read on at your own risk...
Chapter one: The Three Elrics
In which we establish that Ed is randomly missing two limbs
Envy: I randomly live with my half-brothers. Normally, I would be going all homicidal right about now, but for some reason we have brotherly love. You readers won't know why until the megaflashback starts. Sucks to be you.
Ed: I'm missing two limbs and can't do anything for myself. I think the author hates me.
Al: I am cute. Look at me being cute. It's all I do in this chapter, so LOOK AT ME or I will cry and Ed will come and kill you with his awesome wheelchair ninja skills.
Author: Uh... well, um, let's end the chapter with some angst. You like angst, right? Right?
--
Chapter Two: Grave of the Mother
In which we establish that poor Trisha never gets a break
Ed: Oh, look, more angst. What a surprise.
Envy: I shall now get oddly sentimental and OOC.
Al: It's okay Envy, all the cool kids are doing it.
Envy: And now I'm being a protective older brother. Ed, did we swap personalities or something?
--
Chapter Three: First-born Son
In which the megaflashback begins
Dante: I'm a loopy obsessive bitch... nothing new, then.
Hoho: OMG WTF BABY?!
Dante: Oh yeah, he's yours. Now MARRY ME.
Hoho: NO WAY CRAZY LADY. Also, you'd make a sucky mum, so give the baby to me and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.
Dante: Damnit! Okay, sheesh, have the dumb brat. Now I will leave and PLOT YOUR DOOM.
Hoho: What was that?
Dante: Nothing.
--
Chapter Four: Love and Life
In which the megaflashback continues
Trisha: Whoo, I'm alive! ...But not for long.
Hoho: I have another son!
Chibi Envy: I HATE YOU ALL.
--
Chapter Five: An Envious Child
In which there is yet more megaflashback
Envy: I must now dye my hair green, rename myself, and dress like a girl, or I won't look like I do in the show. To justify this, I will now angst about jealousy. –angst-
Trisha: I'm still alive! Whoo!
--
Chapter Six: Loss
In which we have EVEN MORE MEGAFLASHBACK
Trisha: Let's go shopping!
Envy, Al and Hoho: Nah.
Ed: Yes!
Envy: Mama's boy.
Ed: Screw you. See ya!
Trisha: OH SHIT.
--
Chapter Seven: Not So Accidental
In which there is... does this flashback EVER end?
Roy and Riza: This is our only line, and we have to share it. The author hates us.
Ed and Trisha: You think she hates you? You got it lucky!
Hoho: You know, they have a point.
Author: Uh, guys? PLOT?
Hoho: Oh yeah, that. OMG, DANTE DID THIS?! Never saw THAT coming! I'm gonna run off on you now, kthnxbai.
--
Chapter Eight: Death
In which there is lots of angst... also, more megaflashback
Trisha: The author hates me.
Author: I don't really, it's for the plot! ...I killed Trisha. I feel horrible.
Envy, Ed, and Al: YOU SHOULD.
--
Chapter Nine: Obsession
In which the megaflashback FINALLY ends
Dante: I'm creepy and obsessive! Hoho, MARRY ME.
Hoho: What the hell? You tried to kill my wife and kid! No way!
Dante: -in a huff- So that the readers know who they are, I shall now rename my followers after the seven sins. Now, Lust, Gluttony, beat up the brats.
Lust: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Gluttony: I'm hungry.
--
Chapter Ten: Dark Deeds
In which gang members with guns threaten a bunch of kids
Lust: Hi, I'm Lust, this is Gluttony, the crazy bitch who tells me what to do hates you, so I have to shoot you now.
Envy, Ed, and Al: WHAT THE FUCK!? –hide-
Lust: Mmhm, you do that. Bye.
Gluttony: I'm hungry.
Cast: WE KNOW.
--
Chapter Eleven: Return of the Father
In which Hoho gets hated on
Author: Hey, did anyone notice the really stupid and pointless LOTR joke? Return of the father, return of the king? Anyone?
Cast: SHUT UP.
Author: Oh, fine. Back to the plot!
Hoho: Hello, I'm a representative of Neglectful father's Glazing Company, and I'm here to offer you a once in a lifetime opportunity to double glaze all your windows for the reasonable price of please don't kill me for running off on you!
Ed and Envy: GO THE FUCK AWAY, OLD MAN! –beatdown-
Al: Am I the only one who's pleased to see him?
Hoho: Oof. Yes. Anyway, I've come to tell you that my crazy ex-girlfriend is responsible for your missing limbs-
Ed: I thought that was the author.
Hoho: Well, yeah, but for the sake of the plot, it's my crazy ex. Oh, and now she's trying to kill you, so I'm gonna live here, okay?
Ed: NO.
Hoho: YES.
Ed: NO.
Author, Envy, Al, and Hoho: YES.
Ed: ...goddamnit.
--
Chapter Twelve: Prosthetics
In which there is angst
Author: Hey Ed, I realised it would be really hard to write all the cool stuff that happens next with you in a wheelchair, so A Convenient Plot Device- uh, I mean Winry- is going to give you automail now, okay?
Ed: Yeah, sure, whatever. I can angst now, right?
Author: Yup. The readers love that stuff.
--
Chapter Thirteen: Automail
In which there is pain
Pinako: Don't worry kid, this won't hurt... No, wait, I lie. Brace yourself, 'cause you'll be feelin' this in the morning!
Ed: Ow. GODDAMNIT THE AUTHOR HATES ME.
Author: Ed, I don't hate you... it's just tough love.
--
Chapter Fourteen: On the Run
In which very little happens
Ed: Even though I have automail now, I'm STILL in a wheelchair. And did I mention the pain? I don't care what she says about 'tough love', THE AUTHOR FUCKING HATES ME.
Hoho: Actually, you're her favourite character.
Ed: ...
Hoho: Yeah, sucks to be you, doesn't it? Gosh, I'm tired, but I can't fall asleep, I'm keeping watch for Dante and... –snore-
--
Chapter Fifteen: Narrow Escape
In which there is fight scene
Ed: I HATE YOU ALL.
Al: Brother?
Hoho: Don't worry, it's just that time of the month- uh, the automail.
Dante: I KILL j00 NOW.
Hoho, Envy, Ed, and Al: OH SHIT.
Lust: Die, wheelchair, die!
Wheelchair: -Explode-
Ed: OH SHIT. Hey, guys, how about we run away now?
Hoho, Envy, and Al: Sounds good to us. We weren't doing much anyway. -escape-
Dante and Gang Members: Damnit.
--
Chapter Sixteen: Disguises
In which nothing much happens
Author: Y'know, this chapter is really just an excuse for me to play dress up. You might as well skip it, really.
Ed: Yeah, but if you do that, you miss the part with Envy putting his hair in -snicker- a braid.
Envy: I hate you all.
--
Chapter Seventeen: The Beginning of the End
In which there is foreshadowing
Author: This chapter only exists so that I can be evil and build up even more suspense for the fight scene.
Cast: Stop stalling and write the damn fight scene already!
Author: Oh, alright.
--
Chapter Eighteen: Envy's Mother
In which the author FINALLY writes the bloody fight scene
Dante: Why, hello there. This is where I make my evil villain speech about how it's all Hoho's fault for leaving me and-
Envy: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Dante: OH SHIT.
Ed: -kicks Gluttony where the sun don't shine-
Gluttony: ohgodthathurt.
Ed: -knocks Gluttony out- Hey, Lust, right? You should totally switch sides right about now.
Lust: Yeah, okay. Greed, you too.
Greed: Yeah, okay.
Wrath: DIE!
Al: OH SHIT.
Ed: Damn right, oh shit! GET THE FUCK OFF MY BROTHER!
Envy: I HATE YOU!
Dante: OH SHI-
Envy: ...Oh god. Did I really do that?
Author: Um. Oh dear. Uh... wow. That needs some angst.
--
Chapter Nineteen: The Elrics Depart
In which the Elrics finally get a break
Author: You guys can take five now.
Cast: Oh, thank god.
--
Chapter Twenty: Home
In which Winry and Pinako finally get some more stage time
Winry: Ed! Ohmigod you're home! I'm so happy I- waitaminute. What happened to your WHEELCHAIR? And your AUTOMAIL?
Ed: Uh-
Winry: EDWARD! -attacks with wrench-
Ed: GODDAMNIT, DO I EVER GET A BREAK?
Author: No.
Envy: Anyway, now we'll have an awkward moment and then Hoho will fix it by moving out on his own.
Ed: Good riddance.
Author: Well, that's it. The end. I... I feel so sad...
Cast: We don't. THANK GOD IT' S OVER!
Author: Oi, watch it, you lot- there's a sequel, you know!
Cast: OH SHIT.
Dante: I'm suddenly really glad I'm dead.
...Please don't kill me. I'm sorry!