41 Ways To Get Rid Of Max's Atrocious Moustache
Disclaimer: Again, I do not own Across The Universe, nor do I own any of the characters or actors. I do, however, own most of the credit behind these crazy ideas. Others belong to Melissa, Angela, Emily and Nicole.
1. Take a lighter and burn the blasted thing off (best if you do not let him drink nor douse himself in lighter fluid or gasoline prior to this)
2. When undressing him with your eyes, remove his moustache along with his shirt.
3. Tell him that you'll take away his glorious porn collection if he doesn't shave it off.
4. Spin around in 3 circles counter-clockwise, jump up and down 27 times on your right leg, jump up and down 182794369532142236892 times on your left leg, clap your hands 2 times and say 'SCHNABELTYBOO!" and it will magically disappear.
5. Us Jews have been known for our many miracles. The candles that lasted for 8 days, the 8 days of plague… basically, a lot of the number 8. All you have to do, if you aren't jewish already, is convert to Judaism, and once you are a jew, pray for the miracle of the moustache, and it will slowly begin to fall off over a period of 8 days.
6. Get him drunk and/or high. He'll probably most likely give into it then. If not, he won't be in his best state of mind, and he'll probably have trouble fighting back.
7. Max is a child at heart. Bribe him. Perhaps… a cookie? Or a puppy! GET MAX A PUPPY! OH MY GOD! GET HIM A CHIHUAHUA NAMED KILLER!
8. Hire Criss Angel to come in and make it disappear. Criss Angel can do anything! GO CRISS ANGEL! WOOT!
9. Well, since his American accent is fake, then the moustache MUST be fake as well. Therefore, you could remove it painlessly.
10. Go all 40 Year Old Virgin on him and wax it off… Wax a happy face into his moustache!
11. Well, since Jude is a super being, he can do anything. For instance, he could be like all 'BZZZZZZAP!' with his super hot laser eyes and burn them off (see number 1)
12. Take some invisible paint and paint all over his moustache.
13. Tell him if he doesn't shave it off, you will take his favorite stuffed lion, Mr. Shnuffles, and attack it with several exact-o knifes. It will not be pretty.
14. Bribe him with sex.
15. Slip some sleeping pills into his drink and then shave it off as he snoozes. Could be potentially harmful to him.
16. Pull out a picture of him dressed up as Frank N Furter and threaten to put it all over New York.
17. Get Sadie to tell him to shave it off. Everyone listens to Sadie. ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY SADIE!
18. Go all Sweeney Todd on him. Warning: Going all Sweeney Todd on someone may result in them being killed, but if you want to try it, go ahead, be my guest. I can't stop you. You're probably all the way in Timbuktu, and frankly, I don't like flying.
19. Give him cancer. He'll go through chemo and end up loosing all his luscious hair, along with his moustache. OH NO! NOT THE LUSCIOUS HAIR! NO! AH! I'M MELTING!
20. Put gum in his moustache and then be like 'Oh my, there's nothing left to do except shave it off!' and then promptly shave it off.
21. Fire ants plus moustache equals a nice clean shave from your local hospital, and some painkillers.
22. While he sleeps, dye it pink. When he wakes up, shove a mirror in one hand, a razor in the other and yell 'SHAVE!'
23. Put some hair-eating leaches in his moustache. Within seconds, Max will be facial hair FREE! Act now and get TWO BOTTLES of this shit!
24. Make Max go emo. Emo kids love cutting things, so he'll probably cut his moustache off himself.
25. Crazy glue his hand to his moustache and then help him pull his hand away, and at the same time, every single little hair will be ripped out of his skin.
26. Put some fish oil in his moustache. Honest to god, that stuff is IMPOSSIBLE to get out. The smell lasts for weeks.
27. Google 'skin disease'. Show him the pictures. He's going to want to make sure that nothing's happening under that moustache.
28. Take him snorkeling. You can't get the mask thingymajigger on properly with a moustache, so he'll HAVE to shave it off.
29. Threaten to let that weird hippy guy attempt to shave it when he's high. You'll scare the bloody shit out of poor Max.
30. Just tell him that it's not hot. Max thrives off of being hot. That's hot.
31. Make a time machine that will go back in time to when Max was facial hair free.
32. 'What would you do if I sang out of tune, would you throw your fake moustache at me?' THWACK!
33. High School Musical can make anyone go crazy. Crazy people do crazy things, like, shave off their moustaches that took ever so long to grow.
34. Throw a spleen on his face. Make sure his moustache gets extra bloody and then crusty after a while from the blood. Then, you will probably be allowed to shave it off.
35. Say that Jesus (or God, whichever sounds cooler to you) came to you in a dream and said ', you must shave thy Max's moustache, for if you don't, all the platypuses in the world will go KABLOOEY and that will mess up the food chain. The alligators will adopt chickens like babies and pandas will eat thy faces. And all the Liverpudlians will start eating liver like CRAZY BANANAS!'
36. Shave it and then say that the other people in your head told you to do it.
37. Say that he looks like Rosie O'Donnell with his new moustache. That's enough to scare ANYONE into changing the way that they look.
38. Tell him that the government is after him, and that they only recognize him by his moustache.
39. Cut it into a Hitler moustache. Then, unless he wants to be pulverized, he HAS to shave the rest of it off.
40. Get Lucy to do it. Brothers are suckers for their little sisters' puppy eyes.
41. Shun him for a few days. He'll realize that it's the moustache and shave it off.
Le fin
Okay, people. I really hope that you like this. I seriously worked forever on this, and, with a little help from my friends, I came up with these, but there are still some in my head. So if you would like some more, just review and say, 'I want more'.
Also, if you have ANY other malicious ideas for the removal of that atrocious moustache, please tell me, and I shall put some in.
Many thanks
Kawaii-babi