The Three Years
Author's Notes: If you do NOT like stupid crack stories, go. Get out of here. Well, you can read it if you want, I'm not saying you can't but… this is a mega, ultra, super crack story. Yet, I must say that everything here is the TRUTH.
Okay, it's not the truth. I lied there a bit, but I don't care much. This is the story of when Sasuke went off to Orochimaru for his "training". The story of Naruto gives very little detail about what occurred in the three years Sasuke stayed with Kabuto and Orochimaru. So one day last year it got me thinking: what could I fit into the three years that's relatively funny? I quickly came up with this horrifying story that has entertained my close friends for a year now. Now that I have few chapters left to write, I've decided to put the chapters already written up online to see if they entertain the masses and just put a smile on people's faces. People may flame me for it, but I really have to see if it works.
So without further ado, I bring you The Three Years, a crack story that torments our little Sasuke. If you dislike him, you may get a kick out of it. I hope my torment to him brings you joy.
Summary: Sasuke enters the lair of Orochimaru and Kabuto, hoping to receive the power to beat his brother. However, it is not what he expected at all.
Comedy/ Crack
Chapter ONE/ Introduction: Arrival
Sasuke looked up to see what he had waited to see for days; the small makeshift hut said to be one of Orochimaru's hideouts. He had come from all over the land to find them, only to find the ones he had come across empty and abandoned. His shoulder was still sore from his previous fight with Naruto and his body was heavy with traveling fatigue but finally, he had found one that was indeed, at the moment, housing Orochimaru himself.
Quietly, he stepped across the path, careful not to step on any mines or traps. After making an amusing dance-like strut to the door, he stopped where he was and stood motionless. He stared at it; stared down that door as if he could burn it down with the powers of his mind. This moment was what he had waited for quite some time now, and yet he felt unsure and nervous, as if he was about to sign his soul to the devil. (This, when you think about, was exactly what he was doing.)
At first, he had no idea how to enter. Should he fling open the door and scream out, "Train me! Now!" Or sit there until somebody realized he was standing out there. He felt like a Girl Scout who was selling her first box of cookies on her first day of door-to-door selling. Now that's scary.
Finally, after much debate, he moved his hand forward… and rang the bell. At first, when nobody came, he thought that perhaps, nobody was home, and that they just left. No, he was certain they were here. He knew it.
The doorknob turned from the inside and the sound of the lock opening gave him the worst feeling. Run, he told himself. It'll look like kids playing Ding Dong Ditch. To late, for the door opened, and a heavily bandaged, white haired man stood before him. The two stared at each other for a long, long time.
Sasuke was the first to speak. "Orochimaru!" he shouted. "I… NEED… TO FIND… HIM!" He stood there shaking from head to foot. "I…AM…UCHIHA SASUKE!"
The man suddenly beamed at him, as if Sasuke was Santa Clause on Christmas day. "ME!" he shrieked. "I am him! Me!" He jabbed pointed fingers to his bandaged face, as if pointing himself out. But Sasuke refused to believe him, and his nerves were wearing off.
"No." he said. "I need the real Orochimaru. The real one." The man kept smiling. (If you could see his face, that is.)
"Me!" he shrieked yet again. "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Now Sasuke's patience was gone. "Not you, I need a guy with BLACK GIRLY HAIR AND MAKEUP! NOT AN ALBINO!
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The man screamed, now not as happy as before. "I AM HIM!"
Luckily, a familiar face appeared. "What's with all that god damned screaming!?" Sasuke perked up but this. Kabuto had made his first appearance.
The medic-nin guy! Sasuke thought. He must be smart and super serious. He'll help me…with logic!
Kabuto looked down at Sasuke, but his reaction was not what Sasuke expected. Perhaps words cannot described Kabuto's reaction, but let's say if was like a walrus noticing the sea was made entirely of fish sticks. Only like a human instead of a walrus, and no fish sticks. Let's just say he was happy.
Finally, after the two stopped spazing over Sasuke's presence, Kabuto and the albino guy led their new guest into the lair.
"So where is Orochimaru?" Sasuke asked suspiciously. Kabuto laughed.
"He's right here!" he chucked, and pointed to the albino. Sasuke felt his face flush.
"Oh dear." He muttered. "I'm very sorry."
"That's fine, honey." Orochimaru grinned. "My liposuction was a success! My face should be ready now." He ripped off his plastic face, bandages and all. He truly was the devious Orochimaru, in the flesh.
Although the fact that he had called him honey just then frightened him, Sasuke ignored it and continued to follow the two deeper into the tunnels. During this time, the two whispered back and forth things Sasuke could not hear or understand, but several times they glanced back at him, and several times Orochimaru giggled with huge excitement. Sasuke found this very concerning, but tried his hardest to ignore it, telling himself, Think of the power, Sasuke. Think about it.
After three minutes and walking down the winding tunnels, Kabuto opened a door and motioned the rest to follow. Inside was another hallway.
"Are there guards here?" Sasuke asked Orochimaru, noticing the unusual and creepy loneliness of the halls.
"Not a single one, but we have the best security money can buy."
"You're rich?" Sasuke asked, amazed.
"No." Orochimaru said simply.
"But you own an entire ninja village." Sasuke said. "Why aren't you rich?"
"I spent it all on the security system." He smiled. "It talks when you enter certain rooms." He stopped in front of a random door and opened it with a look on his face that said, "Oh my gawd, the door talks." Sure enough, as the door opened, it beeped three times and a woman's voice called, "Washing Machine Room OPENED." The voice made Sasuke's neck hair stand on end, but he continued walking.
Now Kabuto was making a long and boring speech on the uses of soap, and Orochimaru was opening all the doors he could find with the security hooked up in them. Down the hall, Sasuke heard, "…soap was invented by the Romans, who…BEEP BEEP BEEP! OROCHIMARU'S STUFFED ANIMAL CLOSET OPENED!...of course, we also use liquid soap as well… BEEP BEEP BEEP! SIMULATION OF A STRAWBERRY FIELD ROOM OPENED!...and I clean my hands three times a day…"
Already, Sasuke felt an extremely large headache and Orochimaru giggling was NOT helping at all. As he walked, he rubbed his temples vigorously, trying to get the images of soap out of his head.
"Are you sick, honey?" Orochimaru said suddenly, making Sasuke jump and shiver.
"I'm fine." He said and walked as far away as he could. Orochimaru looked disappointed, but rushed up to Kabuto to whisper once more.
Sasuke walked slowly behind them, rubbing his arms as they kept walking, really, REALLY nervous at the decision he had made. Kabuto leaned over to whisper something into Orochimaru's ear, which made Orochimaru burst out laughing. Sasuke nearly passed out by the sound of his shrill laughter. Still, he kept thinking of glorious power, and continued to follow.
He noticed the more they talked, they looked happier and happier. Just what were they talking about? he wondered. He seemed afraid to find out, but the feeling of knowing was eating at him. Finally he got the courage to walk faster and reach earshot of their constant whispering. He had to walk as silent as he possibly could, but he could not seem to do even that for he tripped a lot. Yet they did not turn around. Now was his chance.
He got just far enough to make out what they were saying, yet it was hard to hear with his heart beating that fast. Stupid heart. Sasuke mentally yelled at his organ. SHUT UP OR STOP BEATING! He didn't seem to care at how completely odd that may have sounded. He continued to try and listen, craning his neck closer to hear.
Orochimaru started talking to Kabuto. It was hard to make out, but suddenly Sasuke heard a few unexpected words. In between the giggling, Sasuke heard Orochimaru excitedly whisper, "I wanna be the mommy!"
That was it. That was all Sasuke needed to hear. He backed into a wall panting and frightened. He had no idea what it meant, but he knew it was bad. Kabuto and Orochimaru turned back to him.
"You okay, Sasuke?" Kabuto asked. "I am a doctor, you know."
"Stay away!" Sasuke grunted. "Don't get near me!"
"Awwwwwwww…" Orochimaru sighed. "He's delusional."
"Don't worry." Kabuto grinned. "I'll have him fixed in a moment. I am a doctor, you know."
And with that, he bent over and picked up a massive rock the size of his head. Smiling, he turned to Sasuke and smashed it into his skull.
Sasuke groaned, blinking at the strange dream he had just had. "That was weird." He said to himself. He seemed to be on a bed, perhaps he was still at his hotel. Maybe he never left and all that was a silly dream. He chucked and sat up.
It was NOT the hotel. The room was covered in blue fish and trucks. Toy boxes were stuffed into anyplace that they could fit. And there were white bars surrounding him on a pink bed that was too small for him, and made his knees tuck under his chin.
He tried to climb over the bars, but a silvery mobile kept hitting his head, and stopping him. It was a simple trap indeed, but very difficult to escape. He tried kicking down the bars when suddenly Kabuto and Orochimaru leaned over the side of the cage of evil.
"Hi." Kabuto said with a strange grin on his face. He seemed unusually stiff, but unusually happy. Orochimaru, who was now wearing a pink, flowery apron, was less stiff than his doctor friend.
"He's so CUTE!" he squealed, pinching Sasuke's cheeks. Sasuke smashed the bars down with a sudden kick and rushed across the room. Orochimaru stopped him.
"He's such an aggressive baby, isn't he, Kabuto?" Orochimaru said in a babyish voice.
"Baby?!" Sasuke repeated, trying to squirm lose from his grip. Kabuto gasped.
"He said his first word!" he said, shocked. "Children do not usually speak this early in life. He's a prodigy! I am an expert on these things, you know!"
"What is this about!?" Sasuke cried. "What are you talking about!?" They blinked at his. "I was supposed to be trained, but I do NOT understand what this is! Explain, now!"
Orochimaru looked as if Easter had come early, and he had received one thousand chocolate bunnies. "Oh honey," he smiled teasingly while nudging him. "You know!"
"I do not!" Sasuke glared. "What is going on!?"
Kabuto stood up. "I guess we should tell him. We shouldn't lie about this type of thing."
"Very well." Orochimaru sighed. He looked up, looking serious. "Sasuke…"
"…we adopted you."
Author's Notes (After you read that): ……...………………………………..well, wasn't that a shock?
Mmmm-kay, that's the beginning of the story. The beginning of the twenty-chapter story. Not sure what you people are gonna have to say about this but I'm putting this on the internet because I want to see what you people think about it. Good or bad. I'll finish it. If you like it, thank-you. If you hate it, thank-you as well. Just do not flame and shoot your Naruto logic at why this would never happen because I've heard it all already.
Anyways, just to sum up some little things, the alarm system is based off my friend's house that shouts when you open the door. We call it Pam because it speaks in a creepy female voice that scares me every time I hear it. The rest is me putting stupid things like blue fish and trucks into every bit of the story I can.
I also hope I fixed any spelling errors that I could get to but if anything seems a bit off I apologize. I've looked over it a few times but I miss things easy.
Thank you anyone for spending time on this story and I hope you enjoy reading the rest of the story as well.