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"There are two sides to every death, three parts to these tragedies, and one sun to show us the beauty of it all."

- - lunamaria

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"Go fucking die!" she screamed. I flinched. I could never stand her shrill voice; I could never stand the way her voice sounded when she said his name. I hated her. I hated her so much, I could barely express it, and for his sake I didn't, because it would hurt him more then he would know.

He smiled, but both of us know better, I know he's breaking on the inside. I want to take a step forward, but I don't move. I don't breathe. I just wait. She's leaving, and I hear him speak. "Will you cry at my funeral?" All I can see is red hair engulfed in flames, not the fire that's eating my apartment – but my best friend. All I think is, yes – shit fuck for brains. Kairi doesn't say anything. She just turns and leaves. She loved him - he knew that, I knew that, and she lived in it. But for whatever reason, she told him otherwise. She lied to him, and she sent him off the edge, but she didn't know and I don't blame her, after all it was my fault.

My entire fault.

If I'd seen it sooner, the signs he was putting up then are so obvious now, but then they were just raindrops disappearing into the ocean. But I wa—am. I am his best friend, I should know these things. I should have known the minute she walked into our lives to stick closer to him, to save him from her. But I was stupid, and I was jealous, it cost me my best friend. My distance cost me the only person who I cared about, and nothing I say or do will bring him back. I don't know who I hate more, her or me.

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Seeing him jump, that was the hardest part. I chase after him, until my lungs burned and I thought my entire body was going to collapse. I saw the glove before anything, it was just like a piece of garbage floating in the air. I looked up, and saw a bush of red head – I'd know it anywhere. It's the same red hair that I dream about night, that I wish I could entangle my hands in; as my mouth explores his…like old times. I sigh; relief I've found him before he's gone and done something stupid. And then, I find out I'm too late.

I screamed so loud, I think I just blew someone's eardrums out. Maybe they were mine, I screamed and screamed. But he was still falling, falling towards the ground, I couldn't breath – I couldn't think. But he didn't stop, he couldn't stop – by the time I was there, it was already too late. He had hit the ground.

"Axel!" she screamed, she ran into to traffic, running over to me and my best friend's body. I didn't move, tears already blinking through my eyelashes.

"Don't touch him you fucking whore!" I screamed at her hoarsely. I wrapped my arms around his lifeless shoulders pressing my face to the middle of his back and I sobbed. I couldn't stop it, the tears fell faster then I could cover them up, my best friend was dead. The only person I've ever loved was dead. My world came to a crashing halt.

The paramedics had dragged me away from him, the police had some questions for me, they were securing the area. I watched as the scrapped him off the ground, he had landed on his back but his body bounced flipping over cracking his skull. He had the most serene look on his face, blood still warm on his pale face. I wanted to call out to him, I wanted to go to him – but that wasn't him anymore.

I looked over at Kairi, she was holding herself, pouring out her tale to some police officer. "Well Kairi," I said get her attention, my voice as cold as ice. "Are you going to cry at his funeral?" I sneered. It was so easy to blame her, it was so easy to just hate her, let her be at fault. She straightens up quickly, her expression blank. She tackled me, pinning my down, I grabbed her wrists before she try to punch me. She yanked them back, hitting my square in the jaw.

Tears ran down her face. "Fuck you Roxas, I loved him too." Loved. As in past tense, he wasn't here anymore to love. Officer Leonhart pulled her off me, slapping the cuffs against her. I sat up, staring at him.

"You don't have to do that." I got up, dusting myself off. "I could take her."

"It's for her protection, not yours." He answered curtly. I watched as he escorted her away from me that was rich. I was the bad guy here, I stared at Axel's body outline, and I wasn't the one who sent him off the building. "Next time, just go jump off a building, just save me the trouble of saving your sorry ass." The realization hits me, and I started to shake, balling my fist I punch the wall as hard as I can. I slide down against only feet away where Axel's body once was, a black glove lying off to the side. I pick it up, stuffing it in my pocket. My knuckles are bleeding, but I can't feel it. I can't feel anything anymore. It wasn't my blood on my hands, but my best friend's.

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Axel was an accident waiting to happen.

I knew that even at the tender age of six, I was a quiet boy and I didn't like to socialize. My mother had other plans for me, I was going to socialize with the first person she saw at the park. That person happened to Axel Chalmers. She couldn't see the danger she was placing her only son in, deep flaming red hair – and emerald green eyes. He was sitting up in a tree, what part of the I-wreak-havoc didn't she see, I saw it from miles away – but she wouldn't listen, and she was the one who provided to the sea-salt icecream.

So with reluctant steps I went over politely introducing myself, he looked down at me from his domain. King of the tree whilst, I was just a meager peasant asking for food…he smirked at me. The peasant received his food for the winter, and I fell out of the tree and broke my arm. It was a life changing experience being carried to my mother; who was hysterical, while Axel just sighed calmly. Calling the ambulance and refusing to leave me side. "Hey Blondie, don't sweat it – after all I should have realized a baby couldn't handle a tree."

"You pushed me out of it!" I replied slightly annoyed, I mean the kid did just break my arm – he could at least apologize. But of course he was Axel, and even then he didn't bother.

He just shrugged. I couldn't believe him, when I got my cast I was going to sock him with it. "It made you smile."

I stared dumbfounded. "Are you stupid?"

He grinned, suppressing a laugh. "Before you hit the ground I mean, you looked really bummed when you came over." He ran his hand through his hair, a nervous habit that I noticed right away. "I just thought "hey, maybe if that kid were swinging around with a real boy…maybe he'd smile."

"That sounds like something that would come on an after school program." I snickered.

"Shut the hell up." He shoved my bad arm, causing me to howl in pain, the paramedic shot him a dirty look and Axel just smirked. It was the first time I'd heard someone cuss, it was the first time I had rode in an ambulance and it was the first time I had broke my arm. I would soon learn; I'd get a lot more firsts with Axel.

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We've been best friends ever since. I blame my mother, who was frantic until she realized he was the son of her high school pal; Tifa. They had spent their worse and best years, side by side, but as they drifted older they grew apart. My mother made sure no other bones were broken, hugging me fiercely then spent the remainder of her time catching up with Tifa. My father said his hellos, and then came to me, ignoring Reno (Axel's father) completely. A small smile of relief spread through my father like wild fire, when I explained that I was perfectly fine.

Axel and I were inseparable after the accident, we stuck together like rubber and glue. Where he went I followed, sometimes he actually stayed at our house for days and days at a time. My mother never minded, feeding him and loving him as her own son, and even though he was older then me and more psycho me – I came to like Axel. He was an okay guy, he would do things that got us up to knees in trouble.

Once Axel had set Yuffie's moogle on fire, on accountant of she was being annoying to which she responded with beating the crap out of us. Another time we had sneaked off after are parents were well asleep and went to the Gummi Station to buy junk food and the cashier called our parents. And when Old man Cid wouldn't let Axel bummed a cigarette, he throw a can of pop at him, well that one was self explanatory. Cid covered with pop, was not a happy man. I'd have to cleverly get us off of it, or try really hard. Sometimes it didn't always work, then Axel would smooth talk us out of it. It was perplexing, everyone loved him – and I mean everyone; adults, children, old people and even strangers.

It's as if they couldn't get enough of him, and they couldn't. Logic somehow worked it out, that I was a class ahead and he was a class behind or two behind. It's not Axel was dumb, it's just he never showed up. I try to make him once, but he just explained that school was a waste on him. I sighed telling him school was no fun without him, he grinned at that. And half way through recess he'd appear just like that, he'd come to the middle to the elementary school smoking his cigarette and leaned against the dodge ball wall. Everyone stared at him. By nine years old, I was used to the attention Axel got.

We would talk, or I would talk and he would listen...and then the bell would ring, and I'd beg him to go to school and he laugh at me. Waving me off, but somehow I knew he listen – because eventually Tifa quite nagging him about school, and I swear one time I saw a piece of homework lying in front of his computer. And one day, he didn't show up. I sat by myself over on the jungle gym deeming the other children too immature to play with long ago, wondering if Axel had found the wonders of middle school or was simple too busy for me. That's when Seifer and his gang had strolled up to me, I looked at them already bored. Seifer thought he was the king of the fifth grade, and I being a measly third grader had to bow down in his royal presence.

"Hey lamer, where's your boyfriend." He sneered.

"Probably trying to nick some cigarettes from Old man Cid." I answered honestly. This wasn't high school where things were drawn out on a map, this was grade school and I took things literally. I didn't understand that Seifer was poking at my sexuality. This made Seifer and his posse roars with laughter, and I didn't understand what was so funny. I played on the monkey bars, getting more and more impatient, where was he? Had he just forgot? My stomach churned at the thought, of course he'd never forget about me.

"Hey fag, C'mere." Seifer demanded venomously. I blinked, looking behind me and beside me, he was calling me. The bang rang, and that was it – the ending of my life, and the beginning of a never ending ridicule; theme: my sexuality.

Axel…hadn't an excuse, he didn't forget, he got distracted. It angered me, he shrugged it off a sorry like he did everything. "Just forget it, just don't come!" I yelled at him, storming up to my room.

I went to school the next day, a little more moody than usual. I stirred far away from the jungle gym, and Seifer. I just sat and waited for the bell rang on the ground. I was just minding my own, but Seifer wouldn't have that, he couldn't just leave me alone.

"Hey Fag."

Maybe if I didn't say anything he'd go away.

"Awh, is Roxy too gay to function?" He cooed.

Something in me just snapped. I stood up and ran into him, he was surprised so I knocked him down I didn't know what to do past that. I've seen Axel get into plenty of fights, but I've never been in one. Apparently Seifer did, he kneed me in my stomach. But I didn't move, or double over, though at the time it would have been the smart thing to do. I just kept punching like I'd seen Axel do so many times.

It's no wonder why Axel fought so much, it was so exhilarating.

Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick.

I was surprise Seifer's friends didn't move to help him pumble me, but they weren't moving. I wondered when the teacher would come, how I would explain this to them – or much better myself. I heard a roar of children calling it "Fight, Fight!" And then, I was yanked by my collar, up and up away. My good eye rolls sleepily at the adult who had picked me up, to my surprise I was met with emerald eyes I knew too well.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Axel roars in my face. In front of all my classmates, in front of Seifer. "What the hell are you doing?"

I think about this. What was wrong with me, I was getting made fun of something that shouldn't even apply I like girls. I like girls a lot. I just liked Axel more. And it hit me, with horror at nine years old. I liked Axel, of course I did – he was my best friend. Best friends like each other. That was just the nature of things. But. Was it supposed to be like this?

"Your boyfriend here to save you!" Seifer laughed, hard. I blinked, he shouldn't have said that, Axel was the one holding me back, nobody could hold him back. But in that second he dropped me, grabbing me by my arm he yanked me away from them, he yanked me away from my school and my students. Away from everything.

The bell rang, but I wasn't going in.

When we were far away from the school I yanked my arm away from him, he looked surprised, but it vanishes his cool demeanor returning in seconds. "This isn't like you Rox, I'm the fuck up." It dawns on me that he's never put himself down like that before. He lit a cigarette and I watch the smoke fly into the air, I wrinkle my nose is disgust – I could never stand cigarettes.

"He made fun of me…" I started, watching his emerald eyes flicker his attention immediately on me. I liked that about Axel, he didn't look away, or interrupt when I was talking, and I liked having his full attention. "And he wouldn't stop."

"He was probably just jealous." Axel smirked, and I cracked a smile. Even if he was full of himself, he knew all the right words and just how to lay them out. Avoiding all the awkward phrases and the stupid stuttering. He ruffled my hair, blowing smoke into my face, my eyes watered and I coughed.

"Don't be stupid." I mumbled. My heart didn't skip a beat, but something in me changed that day, changed how I viewed the world and everyone in it. I was nine year's old and I fell in love with my best friend.

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Axel used to say, every man was confused about his sexuality when he walked in the room. It's not their fault, he would add, he was the sex god – they just couldn't resist a piece of a pie. I was no exception to this, but whenever this was said, I'd just shrug it off. He talking about other people not me, he was oblivious to me. There was girl 1,234 and girl 1,235 – but never Roxas.

But whatever.

As girl 1,234 smacked lips with Axel, I did my Geometry homework. As 1,235 sat in his lap and nuzzled against his neck, I read the importance of Zack Fair in history. Where I got A's and was the top of my sophomore class, Axel was preparing to be a senior for the second time. Grade point average was non existent the only classes he bothered to go to were gym and art. If he even came to school.

And even if he did, it was to pick up girls and take them "home." If home was in the backseat of his car then they went home and home again. I can't tell you how fun it is to dig for your cds and find a pair of panties smack on top of them.

"Axel, do you really want to be the only twenty-one year senior there is?" Axel pulled away from what's-her-face. Much to her distain, I smiled and his face formed a frown.

"I'm nineteen, got it memorized?" His eyes, he got up. Shoving 1,235 got off him in a huff, storming out of the cafeteria.

"Shouldn't you go after her?" I asked, already knowing the answer. I flicked at my history book bored.

"Larxene? Nah, she'll be back." Larxene. Tall. Bad temper. Blonde. It was processed, then disregarded in seconds. "So smartass, what do you suggest?"

"You could dropout or get a tutor." Axel didn't care much for school, I knew this better than anyone. But I also knew that nobody would support a high school drop out. "I could tutor you." I added quickly.

He looked up, another girl already calling his name. "Yeah, it's a date Blondie." He ruffled my hair, got up and left me alone. Having a sex god as a best friend didn't have as many perks as you think, for one girls wanted to surround me to get him. I was the sidekick to them, unimportant. I didn't care for them, and as soon as they realized that they didn't care for me. So alone I sat, as his words sank and my history book became more and more useless. It was a date, even though it really wasn't, as with anything with Axel I didn't expect much – but it made me grin inside.

Axel lies on my bed, a book over his head. "Read the text, take notes and do the homework." He grumbles. "Do you know how many girls I could fuck in the time you waste reading about Shrina and Sephiroth."

"And you wonder why you're flunking history." I mumbled under his breath. I grabbed the book, and flipped it open to the page he was suppose to be on, shoving it at my tired friend.

"More than you've ever done in your life." He answered himself. I rolled my eyes, pointing to the page.

"But that was given to you, you've never had to work for it." I replied, losing myself in my own work. He paused, looking up at me for a moment, composing his response.

"It's not that easy you know." He said softly. "It's not all a smirk and a quickie you know – there is some work involved." He stated mater of factly.

To this I snorted. "Remembering names so hard."

Axel scowled. "I don't have a problem remembering names." He said indignantly.

"What was the last girl-you-were-with's name?" This battle was already in the bag, I knew this and Axel knew this. But stubborn as he is, he never let go until he couldn't fight anymore.

His hand shot through his messy hair. "You're missing my point completely.'"

"Am I?" I sent him a challenging glance. "Do explain it."

He pushed himself off the bed, taking the book from my hand and tossing it aside. "You have to make her feel she's the only girl you care about," he grabbed my hands, I tried to pull them away, but he had a firm grip. "Which you know, is impossible for me." He chuckles, and I don't take my eyes off him.

"A-and then what?" I try to keep my voice steady, I try to tell myself that this was my best friend and that he had no idea what he was doing to me. He leans his head forward, brushing his hair against hair against my chin.

He rested his head on my shoulder, mumbling into it. I shivered with delight. He looks up his emerald eyes looking into to mine deeply, he smiled. "You've got to make them want you."

Oh I wanted him alright. But I ignored it, I looked away from him He grabbed my chin, his expression was something else. Something I've never seen in his eyes, never in reality at least; desire. "Sometimes they're stubborn."

"A-axel." I forget to breathe. He was going too far, he was fucking with me, and he was going too far. I tried to squirm away, but he was quicker – he used his free hand to pin my shoulder to the wall.

"Shh." He whispered into my neck, I stop moving immediately. Still as a board. I didn't want to move ever, he seemed to sense this, his tongue moving down my collarbone.

"Stop playing your games, you're n-not funny." I said flushed, I bit back a moan that desperately wanted to escape from the back of my throat. I fought with everything I could, to stop my hands from going through his red mane pull on hair, begging him for more.

"I'm not playing games." He responded. He bits at my skin, and I gasp a little. I don't want him to stop, but I can't help it myself. My dreams are coming true, there's obviously something wrong here.

"You are, and you know it." I tell him as sternly as I can manage. He stops, why did I open my mouth, why couldn't I just let him play his games.

"So enjoy it." He says harshly as his lips crash against mine before I can protest. He grabs my waist pulling me towards him, and I let him – we crash on to the floor. Our mouths exploring deep inside each other, I tug at his hair his hair. I dig my fingers into his back as he pulls at my waist, he stands up pulling us towards the bed. I bit his tongue hard before I shove him away. "Fuck." He calls out, falling backwards on the bed. "What's wrong with you?"

I suck hard on his blood in his mouth. "I'm not going to become another number." I miss his warmth, I miss his mouth, I miss being the very essence. But my I knew better, I've seen how it they end, I've seen girls go under and never come back.

"I'm just having some fun, Blondie." He said calmly. "It did get a bit out of hand," he laughs. "I really thought you wanted me for a second there."

My stomach churns. I feel like I was kicked in the stomach, I felt like my world was going to crumble apart. I laugh, I laugh at the irony and I laugh at my life. I laugh, because that's what I suppose to do. "As if." I respond. Just pretend he didn't tear my world apart, just pretend that didn't happen. Just pretend and it'll be over soon.

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I ran my fingers over the black box. "To my world; Kairi." The note read he was going to marry her. He was going to ask the girl who killed him to marry him, and the guy who suggested it to be his best man. I didn't look at her when I shoved it to her, I didn't watch as she started to sob, and I didn't comfort her.

"I kill him didn't I?" she sniveled. And I didn't answer her, because I could conjure up a lie to save us both from blame; so I left her have it. "I loved him." She looked at me, trying to focus under the tears pouring out of her eyes. "I really love him."

"I do too." I said softly. I don't think she can hear me, but that doesn't matter, I just want to say it – have somebody as my witness. "I love him too." I cleaned out his apartment that day, I sorted through his things. Put them where I thought they should go, he had stop talking to his parents years ago. I was his only family left, or was – past tense. I couldn't believe he was gone, I couldn't believe he just wasn't anymore. I picked up his cigarettes, searching for his lighter – it was gone.

I grimaced.

"Kairi, do you—"I turn around, but she was gone. I look around wondering if she was ever there, the black box was on the floor –but the note and ring were gone. I sighed, picking it up and throwing it in the trash. I found a pack of matches with the silver spoons. I smiled typical Axel, I lite the cigarette taking one big puff. It burned, I couldn't inhale, I just let the smoke fly through my mouth. I took another hit, if I was going to die – I was going to die slow, besides I had nothing left to live for. I put the cigarettes in my pocket, and left his apartment, there was nothing left of him there.

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One year, says the calendar.

One year, sings the clock.

Time hasn't frozen, life is still moving on. The seasons have changed, people have changed, and my best friend still lies dead in the ground. At least what was my best friend, decomposed and rotting six feet under the ground – while we live on, we live our lives day to day, laugh to laugh, kiss to kiss. Our guilt sinking, decomposing deep within our hearts...but on this day we remember. The guilt cuts through our hearts like knives and we remember, what we promised we'd never forget. The bell strikes eight and we're at the graveyard.

She doesn't exist, I tell myself, the girl that loved my best friend so much she killed him. She died the very day he did, her hand entwined with her boyfriend's, she places a rose on the grave stone. I ignore her when she stares, she tucks a piece of her auburn hair behind her ear, revealing her tears. I sit down next to it, the smooth piece of rock that lies onto of what's left of my best friend. She's moved on, I flash a glare at the both of them, but they're occupied in their own world. She sobbing and he has his arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly. My heart pains, this pain, the pain she expresses – I know it well, I spent months with it. I sigh, and continue to ignore her. They disappear, and all it is me and six feet of ground separating me from the only person I loved.

"Hey man," I run a hand through my hair. "It's me." I chuckled, I sound like an idiot – I hope he can see that. I hope he's somewhere laughing at me. "I miss you, quite terribly." I manage to choke out. There's a lump in my throat, and it's rising, maybe it's my heart, maybe it can't stand to be in my chest any longer and it's making a break for it. I don't blame it. I'd jump out of me too, if I was it.

I set my head on the smooth stone, it's cold against my forehead. "I can't believe it's been a year." I smile, despite the fact that my tears were blurring my vision. "It feels like just yesterday you were sitting on my couch, watching some stupid sitcom." I take a sharp breath, the tears streaming down my face. "Why'd you leave me here, why'd you leave me here all alone?" I try to take it all back, try to take back the tears and the words. But it's too late, she's heard them. She's heard them, and she's wrapped her arms around me, and all I want to do is push her away but I don't.

"Roxas," she whispers. I don't look up, I can't look up – because all I see is the reason why he's gone. I can't hit her, because he'd hate me for it, I can't hit her because he loved her more. He loved her so much he was willing to die for her, where'd that leave me? Alone, alone and heartbroken, trying to clean up his mess he left behind, mainly me. "He's in a better place now."

"No he's not," I say to her indignantly. "There's no beer up there." She runs her hand through my hair, and I flinch. I hate her so much. So fucking much. She held me, and I let her, I didn't let her know how I wanted to punch her in the face. I just sat like a child in her arms, because she was the only comfort I had – she was the only one who understands.

She was the only one who realized that words wouldn't make the pain go away, time would linger. But this day would rip apart the stitches, again and again. It would be the anchor to the ship, the thing that brought us out of our lives. Axel maybe dead, but his story lives on forever. Through our love, through our hate, through every move and breath we take. We were the only people who understood (I more so, but who's keeping track?) and for that we suffer his lost greater than any people alive, the ones with holes in our hearts.

One year screeches the birds, as they fly off into the sky.

One year calls a girl, I don't even know her name.

One year, just passed on by.

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an: end. I have nothing to say, except that I will be working on fixing it original state – and publish it. That I loved writing this, actually really loved as a mother love a child.

Dedications: Vixen – for being so utterly inspiring, and because a prize fic just doesn't cover it. Jade – because without you, this would have just been an original fic that I probably wouldn't have work on very much. Suki – my lovely editor, and moral support. Noelle – for reading it when I asked her to, and her pwnful words. And for my readers/reviewers – because without you, I'd still be lame somewhere.

Disclaimers: staplegunned is an amazing song owned by the spill canvas, I am so in loved with their lyrics. All KH characters and things associated belong to their respective owners. This fiction, however – is all mine.

Thanks for reading now review please?