What follows is a summary of the ACTUAL Breaking Dawn. Man, do I wish I had a time machine! I'd go back to, say, last summer and post Breaking Dawn here...I'd get soooooo flamed.
Breaking Dawn Condensed!
Bella: Eew, weddings suck. Especially mine.
Alice: Shut up and try on your dress. You're going to enjoy this.
Impossibly perfect wedding scene
Bella: Wow, that was actually nice! Now, if only Jacob would show up…
Jacob: Boo!
Bella: Yay!
Fangirls: Good thing she and Edward already tied the knot…
Jacob: I might not hate you after you become a vampire. I don't know. At least he's not going to try anything stupid like having sex.
Bella: Um…
Jacob explodes.
Edward: Come on, Bella. Time for the honeymoon!
Fangirls (chanting): Lemon, lemon, lemon!
Stephenie: What does "lemon" mean??
Cut to "morning after"
Bella: Wow. Words cannot describe the perfectness.
Edward: Oh, Bella, I almost killed you! Woe is me!
Bella: Sheesh, relax. I'm fine. Let's do it again!
Edward: No! Not until after I've turned you!
Bella: Okay, but now I want to go to Dartmouth.
Edward: Bella, if I didn't love you so much, I'd hate you.
Time passes, skipping over all the good parts. One morning, Bella is mysteriously ill.
Bella: Eddie, my period's late.
Edward: O-kay…
Bella: Edward, I'm pregnant.
Fangirls: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Bella CAN'T be PREGNANT!!111!!1! It's just not possible.
Bella: Hmmm, maybe Edward's an incubus! Or it was born from the fire of our love!
Edward: Bella's carrying an evil demon baby. Don't worry, I'll get it out of you!
Bella: Not my baby! Hello, Rosalie? Guess what, you're my new best friend.
CHANGE TO JACOB'S POV
Fangirls: We wouldn't put up with this absurdity from anyone else, Stephenie.
Sam: Okay, the Cullens are back and Bella's with them, but she's "sick."
Jacob: ZOMG he turned her! Let's go kill them!
Sam: They'll leave soon; it was her choice; they saved our lives (and the fangirls won't let us hurt the Cullens).
Jacob: Fine! I'll go myself!
Edward: Thank goodness you're here. Bella's pregnant with an evil demon baby and she won't let us save her.
Jacob: Srsly?
Edward: It's killing her, but she says she loves it.
Jacob: But…but…Bella didn't even WANT kids!
Edward: If she wants them now, she can have them. With you.
Jacob: Has everyone else gone insane, or just me?
Edward: Talk to her. Please. And if she dies, kill me.
Jacob: Maybe to the first part, and yes to the second…Bella, can I be your baby-daddy?
Bella: What?
Jacob: Yeah, it sounded stupid to me too…I mean…look, do you WANT that thing to kill you?
Bella: I'm not gonna die! Edward will turn me once our baby is born.
Jacob: Great. Just perfect.
Sam: Evil demon baby! We attack the Cullens at sunset. They'll fight back, so we'll have to kill them all.
Jacob: Oh, hell-to-the-no!
Sam: Don't make me go Alpha-dog on your ass.
Jacob: I AM THE ALPHA. I AM LEAVING.
Seth: Wait for me!
Jacob: Great. Fine, whatever. Let's go tell the Cullens they're under attack.
Seth: Yay!
Edward: Why can't Bella be sensible?
Jacob: She married you and you expect her to be sensible? Shouldn't you be smarter after a hundred and fifty years??
Edward: A hundred seven, but point well taken. So this thing's coming out in a few weeks.
Jacob: I'm guessing not a normal birth?
Edward: Ever seen Alien?
Jacob: Oh. Well, then, I guess undead is better than dead-dead…those are sounding like my only options at this point.
Edward: You'd better come in…she might not even be able to carry the evil demon baby to full term.
Bella: Jacob! Hi! Cough, cough, dying noises.
Jacob: Stupid evil demon vampire thing…probably wants blood…
Edward: That's it! Why don't we make Bella drink blood?
Bella: Yummy!
Jacob: ARE YOU SERIOUS??
Fangirls: Wow, we actually agree with Jacob…what kinda freakin' bizarro world is this?
Time passes.
Bella: Why do you call my baby an evil demon thing?
Jacob: Gee, maybe because it's killing you…right, Edward?
Edward: I can hear the baby's thoughts! Ohhhh, it loves you!
Jacob: And the cheese stands alone.
Bella: I told you I wasn't pregnant with an evil demon baby. I'll name him Edward Jacob.
Jacob: You shouldn't have. No, really.
Bella knocks her cup of blood over. The evil demon baby keeps reaching for it.
Edward: OMG Bella's dying! We must save her!
Bella: Save…my…baby…
Edward: It's a girl!
Jacob: Figures.
Bella: Renesmee! My beautiful daughter Renesmee…
Fangirls: Renesmee?? Okay, where'd that come from?
Bella flatlines.
Edward: We've gotta save Bella!!
Jacob: Too late.
Fangirls: OH NO YOU DID NOT KILL BELLA. YOU DID NOT.
Jacob: I'll go kill the evil demon baby.
Jacob stares into Renesmee's eyes.
Jacob: Wow. So THAT'S what imprinting feels like. Oh, and Edward's emergency vampirization worked.
Fangirls: Okay, Stephenie, if we didn't love you so much, we'd really hate you.
CHANGE TO BELLA'S POV
Fangirls: Let's hope this gets better…
Bella: Yay! I'm finally a vampire! Wow, this is really friggin' cool!
Edward: Let's go hunt.
Bella: Sweet. Let's see, will I be the world's first uncoordinated vampire?? Nope, guess not! This ROCKS!!
Edward: But are you faster than me?
Bella: Maybe…ooh, human blood!
Edward: NO! STOP!!1!!
Bella: Oh, sorry.
Edward: Um. Wow. That's…unexpected. I think your power is super self-restraint.
Bella: Niiiiiice. Now can I see my baby?
Renesmee: I has a super power! Yayness! I can show everybody what I'm thinking.
Jacob: Are you SURE Bella won't hurt her?
Bella: Jeez, Jacob, what's the big deal?
Jacob: If anything happened to Nessie, I don't know how I could go on…
Bella: OH HELLS NO YOU DID NOT IMPRINT ON MY BABY.
Jacob: Um, Bells? Kinda not my choice? And by the way, now the pack won't kill her.
Bella: And don't call her Nessie. Her incredibly strange name is Re-nez-may. Thank you.
Edward: Hey, guess what? We're giving you a house for your birthday.
Bella: Again with the obscene wealth…wow. I love the house. Oooh, let's have sex!
Fangirls: Lemon, lemon, lemon!
Next morning
Bella: Are you sure there's no such vampire power as super libido? Cuz I never wanna stop…
Edward: What about the baby?
Bella: Oh, right!
Edward: Actually, she's not really a "baby" anymore…at this rate, she'll qualify for AARP before she's ten.
Three months later
Bella: Wow, my life is, like, perfect. Hey, look, it's Irina! Wait, she hates us…
Alice: Annnnnnnd, cue the apocalypse! We're all gonna die.
Bella: What?
Alice: The Volturi. They're coming to kill us because Irina said we've got an evil demon baby. Your only hope is to bring every vampire you can find and have them testify that Nessie is a half-vampire-half-human super-baby, not an evil demon baby. Bye now!
Bella: But...but...Alice! Gasp! She must've seen that we all die.
Enter the large cast of Other Vampires, with various powers/personalities.
Nessie: Hi everybody! I'm not evil, see?
Vampires: Hmm, guess not. How weird is that?
Eleazar: I can see what powers y'all have…Bella, you're a shield.
Bella: What?
(Me: Oh yeah! Who called it? Totally predicted that, like, four months ago…)
Eleazar: You can use your Super Mind Protection to protect everyone from the mental attacks.
Bella: Awesome! Now you must excuse me, I need to find a forger to get papers for Jacob and Renesmee, in case they don't die with the rest of us.
Time passes. The Volturi arrive
Bella: Everyone I love is here, and they're all gonna die! Crap!
Bella's shield explodes and covers all of the good guys
Aro: Carlisle, wtf are you doing with an evil demon baby? I really don't wanna kill you.
Carlisle: She's not an evil demon baby! Behold!
Renesmee: Hi! Don't hurt my family, 'kay?
Aro: Of course not. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
The Volturi attempt to incapacitate the good guys, but Bella's shield blocks them all.
Caius: She may not be a demon baby, but what if she's evil? We should kill her just to be safe.
Alice: Am I late? Oh, wait, I'm never late. Sorry for pretending to betray you. Everyone, meet Nahuel!
Nahuel: I'm half-human, half-vampire too. Immortal, and not evil.
Aro: Wonderful!
Caius: Crap.
Marcus: Wuteva.
The Volturi leave
Bella: And they all lived happily ever after.
Fangirls: Wow…
A/N: So, what did you think of Breaking Dawn? Love it? Loathe it?? Check out my new poll!